The Brutal, Ugly Truth and How Liberating it Is to See.

[Artisan]

We have all come here trying to understand why and how our relationships went south. The easy path is to demonize our BPD others, stigmatize them, and see them as broken.

The noble path is to go within and recognize the patterns. It is by far the hardest thing to do because one must face their own disconnects and inner ugly.


The process of going within is more than just seeing and experiencing blame, shame, guilt and fear. It is going to the root cause of such feelings and resultant behaviors.

With all integrity, I am not certain if my ex is BPD or not. She exhibits some traits, and she has other traits that are not borderline.

For me to judge somebody I love is unloving.

And we all love our BPDs, intensely and immensely. It is self-harming to see them as wicked, evil, monsters. Even though their behavior could be that destructive, vampiric and annihilating.

The only path to liberation for me in the past nine months has been inner work.

And I would like to share my story for those of us who are still seeking, hurting, and healing.

The first thing I had to work through was the guilt, fear and anger. I have never been so angry in my life. Or so I had thought. In all honesty, the relationship with my exBPD opened up wounds from my first love ever ... .who had cheated on me.

I have to give honor and credit to my exBPD for revealing this wound. It was driving me unconsciously, and without her being in my life, I may have never seen it or had to face it and the consequences it brought to my life.

Every relationship I have been in has had similar traits. The woman has come from a broken home. Her parents are split. One parent or the other was some type of substance abuser. Most of these women have had a spiritual bent

Only one relationship did the woman come from a marriage whose parents were still together, but they were abusive and controlling parents. At least, according to her.

The common trait to all of these women was low self-esteem. Even though they are beautiful, intelligent, savvy, and just amazing.

They didn't feel amazing. Until I came along and brought that to their life.

So I have had to look at why and how I attract these kind of people into my life.

I had to ask these questions ... .am I BPD ? Am I a narcissist ? Am I broken ? Am I a cheater ? Everything my exBPD said about me raised questions. Why ?

Because I also have low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem will attract and be attracted to low self-esteem because there is a feeling of settling. What a person really wants and how they deserve feels as if it is unattainable or that one is not worthy.

How I came to have low self-esteem has been its own process. Rooted in childhood wounds, judeo-christian upbringing, and school experiences ... .I have not comprehended the influence that these earliest events had on me.

I am going to say something that will make most of us sick because we have heard our BPDs say it ; I had to focus on the positive.

Because in those early years I was also given the loyalty, sensitivity, family orientation, patience, love that makes me so attractive to somebody who has BPD.

Oh yes, and now that I understand this personality disorder more ... .I have to admit I've probably been involved with two BPDs, and others who really couldn't care about me. One was bipolar. One was a control freak. I've attracted and have been attracted to neurotic women my whole life.

Why?

Because they give me the intense love and attention I did not receive at home.

At home, I was not validated in ways I needed. Yes, I was validated in other ways ... .just not the ways that mattered to me.

My parents were both abused as children, and though they did not abuse me ... .some of their behaviors were unintentionally abusive. I give my parents a lot of credit for making the best effort they could. And to this day, they still do ... and I can see where the disconnects have occurred.

So a sexual relationship and intimacy gives that validation to me, at first. The high of the idealization period made me feel seen, wanted and validated. The affection, which is so big for me, lights me up and I feel real. The adoration, seen.

However, once the real personality comes through the disconnects begin to happen.

And with the case of a BPD, that disconnect was epic and huge and could not be ignored.

I have been struggling with WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY for months. And perhaps nine months is a magic number, a new me is being born. My birthday is next week, and I feel different.

I have to honor my authentic needs. What lights me up. And do that. So ... .I do! The days I don't, I am not feeling so hot.

My needs for valiation are being met in other ways, and the demand is removed from my beloved. This does not diminish their value, instead it makes them that much more for me because I can receive freely what they can offer without demanding that they give me what I need.

I see this as true service and a more balanced approach to love.

Love does not demand and punish if the demand isn't met.

And when I listen and read on these boards, I see many of us who need love and demand it, and we feel hurt when it is withdrawn. Myself included.

Second, taking personal responsibility is a growth process. One must have the intention to do it, and then follow through. Like a seed, growth is slow and depends on the right environments. At first, when we break up or recognize there is a problem, the environment is wrong. It's actually toxic and detrimental. Hence, all of us being here trying to understand how to love, move on, what does it mean, and more.

When it comes to love and healing, the wounds could be so deep and invisible that to see it seems an insurmountable challenge.

It isn't. It will be seen. And once seen, can be addressed. A good therapist can assist in this process.

But it always comes down to personal integrity. And not just belief in being honest, but in follow through with action.

This means maintaining that no contact ... .we know contact will diminish our integrity and beauty.

This means not dating so that we can be at peace with who we are and find the love relationship of our dreams, the full monty and not the half-assed crazy monty that leaves us begging to die.

This means putting into action the things that nurture our spirit and cause us to feel ALIVE.

And not doing the things which cause us to feel dead.

Third, one must take responsibility ... .OWN IT ... .But without being judgmental, blaming, shaming, or guilted about it.

The emotional aspects are a hinderance, a blindness to the real core issue.

When we talk about radical acceptance ... .reframe it to mean radical acceptance of ones own self and the pains and disconnects that we have.

Because, we do have them. This is why we are here. It is the source of our pain.

The blame, guilt, shame, FOG AND FOO ... .are part of the broken aspect. As long as one focuses on those feelings, they will remain present and dominate life and diminish joy.

Go behind the emotions to the causes, and find what makes the soul brighten.

Is there an acronym for Joy, Belief, Faith, Love, Integrity, Aliveness ? If not, there needs to be ... .the ANTI-FOO ... .

because if we can be brought down by emotion, we can cultivate the emotions that vivify us.

Part of the issue with our xBPDs and BPD relationships is that we have relinquished the power to be happy to somebody else.

Somebody who is contradictory, unstable, and confusing with the love-bomb and splitting. We love the positive, and fear their negative.

Isn't that true within our own self ?

The truth is ugly and brutal. And our BPDs have it right ... .

We need unconditional love ... .for our own self.

We need to focus on the positive ... .within ourself and our past.

We need to be radically accepting ... .of who we are.

... .A BPD will try and change the focus of these ideas and opinions to them ; because that IS what they also need. For their own self.

A BPD does not know how to truly self-nurture.

And neither do NONs.

However, where a personality disordered person has little to no understanding of these things ... .

As a NON we DO HAVE THAT POWER.

We DO HAVE THAT POTENCY.

And even though our souls have been bared and raped ... .it makes us stronger to see the purity and presence of who one truly is even in the midst of adversity and tribulation.

Keep your faith alive. It is ok to be in the shadows. The positive is there, the sun shines, even on the darkened days.

You are always you. Now is the time to see and understand the wounds within oneself and be liberated.

Our BPDs are a gift. A genuine treasure, for how they unveil our own shadows and secrets.

Gratitude for the trauma, appreciation for the agony, delight for the damage and laughter while dancing away.

Everything is ok.

[Tausk]

   

Thank you!

[Mutt]

I came from an invalidating home as well and was attracted to women with negative personality traits and eventually met my uBPDw. I had no other choice but to search inside without avoidance and distortion of my true feelings because I wanted to break this cycle and I wanted change. That's a difficult thing to do Artisan I had low self-esteem and no boundaries and I attached myself to a woman to make myself feel better. That's how I attached with her during the idealization phase. I couldn't of said it better myself.

I feel different as well and I feel stronger, less anxiety and stress for having work through my issues. I feel a peace inside. I feel confident that my decision making and boundaries are going to be healthier moving forward. 

Thank you for sharing Artisan very powerful and honest insight. Bravo 

[antjs]

I will always refer back to this post artisan. Thank you 

[Blimblam]

Artisan

I agree with you but I think the focusing in the positive could use a little clarification.  Like you I have been attracted to neurotic women my whole life and them to me.  I got ripped open once before very badly it was my first love. 

When I actually healed from that their was a process where I located core beliefs in my psyche of that were harmful to me I then summoned up the feeling it brought up in me and I would experience it fully and let it pass while being very present with my breath.  It would rewire the neauralpathway and then I could focus on the positive.  That action I guess is mindfulness but I did not know it then.   It required intesive self reflection questioning everything I believed about everything. 

That action was the taking of responsibility but I had a choice when to also just deny those negative emotions and focus on the positive but it would only reinforce my false self and keep those core issues repressed.

[Ventus2ct]

Great post Artisan, great, great and I relate to all of it myself, core issues, she made me feel complete when in fact i need to be complete before embarking on any form of relationship, if i had been complete before meeting her I simply wouldn't have put up with her, the relationship would never have happened (or would it?)

One thing I have tried to do of late is "let go" of all the negative people in my life, why do we need them when we are trying to look at life in a positive manner, positive peeps all the way here.

I truly believe once healed (if!) that I will be one day very grateful for what my ex has put me through with the hope and excitement of being able to embark on a truly meaningful relationship with someone truly special.

I am not at that stage yet but am determined to learn enough about my inner self and outer self to get there, with much guidance from peeps on here.

Thanks again.

[Blimblam]

I wanted to clarify a bit more on what I meant.

I'm writing on a phone and I am not good at it.

We all have a false self we need one if we completely shed it and didn't internalize any suffering while also being completely present we would be

Enlightened.  

The false self is parasitic it has no ability to generate it's own energy. It is a detached proxy.  

The false self gives us a false sense of belonging and identity to a group or organization which feeds it energy and is it's source of power basically false idols.  

In alchemy the goal was to turn lead into gold and the search for some sort of super material.  I think what they were trying to achieve was to take the aspects of the psyche that are like lead.  The negative emotions connected to deeply ingrained beliefs in our psyche and transform them into positive energy or gold.  

In my experience this process is sort of specific and can be felt in mud and body when the change occurs.  The difficult part is getting Into the propper space for this process to become present and a choice.  But durring the action itself their are specific moments to reinforce the false self and fortify it rather than embrace the negative energy and transform it and realize it was an illusion the false self protected us from


The false self gives bliss.  Turning the negative emotion into a postive one gives satisfaction.  There is a big difference

The point at which bliss and satisfaction meet in our consciousness is when we achieve release like taking a crap or peeing crying orgasm.  

Also it is tricky because even when doing work and releasing a bunch of negative energy and turning them into positive what happens is now your true selfs ability to feed the false self is reinstated and will make one think there is not more deep work to be done.  But you can't force the deep work to just be available to be worked on it takes creating the propper environment like for a seed to grow if not all the environmental conditions are conducive it will not grow and thrive and be healthy.  

The false self never goes away as soon as you think it has the false self has once again deceived you into feeling bliss

[Blimblam]

Great post Artisan, great, great and I relate to all of it myself, core issues, she made me feel complete when in fact i need to be complete before embarking on any form of relationship, if i had been complete before meeting her I simply wouldn't have put up with her, the relationship would never have happened (or would it?)

One thing I have tried to do of late is "let go" of all the negative people in my life, why do we need them when we are trying to look at life in a positive manner, positive peeps all the way here.

I truly believe once healed (if!) that I will be one day very grateful for what my ex has put me through with the hope and excitement of being able to embark on a truly meaningful relationship with someone truly special.

I am not at that stage yet but am determined to learn enough about my inner self and outer self to get there, with much guidance from peeps on here.

Thanks again.

I don't think "negative" people should be shunned.  In our deep state of despair we are all negative people and parasitic because we have given so much of ourselves. They deserve what each of us deserve, compassion. 

[Karmachameleon]

Well said all around.  This post helped me realize that I am making progress because I wouldn't have even been able to wrap my brain around this a week ago.  But today I get it.

[Ventus2ct]

No, I agree with you Blimblam, just as you say, we are feeling and are pretty negative having to deal with whats on our plate, I implied that I just don't need to be around negative people in my current fragile state. If we are surrounded by positive peeps then we tend to be enlightened, such as coming on the forum, plenty of positive people here.

[Mutt]

Great post Artisan, great, great and I relate to all of it myself, core issues, she made me feel complete when in fact i need to be complete before embarking on any form of relationship, if i had been complete before meeting her I simply wouldn't have put up with her, the relationship would never have happened (or would it?)

One thing I have tried to do of late is "let go" of all the negative people in my life, why do we need them when we are trying to look at life in a positive manner, positive peeps all the way here.

I truly believe once healed (if!) that I will be one day very grateful for what my ex has put me through with the hope and excitement of being able to embark on a truly meaningful relationship with someone truly special.

I am not at that stage yet but am determined to learn enough about my inner self and outer self to get there, with much guidance from peeps on here.

Thanks again.

I don't think "negative" people should be shunned.  In our deep state of despair we are all negative people and parasitic because we have given so much of ourselves. They deserve what each of us deserve, compassion.  

You're walking in the right direction Ventus2ct and you'll get there. There's a Buddhist proverb that goes like this “If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking”

I kept hitting the snooze button and my borderline wife was the wake-up call. After having been in a toxic relationship,  working on my own issues and detaching from the FOG. I can now see toxic traits in other people and I have boundaries now, whereas I had none when I met my wife. I surround myself with people with more positive personality traits. We all have our faults.

I agree with you Blimblam about compassion and empathy. I feel a deep sadness for my wife and some of her more toxic friends. I stay away from them and I wish that I could do something for them. You can only change you. You cannot change someone else. I would hope someday they find enlightenment, it is what it is for now.

[Rescuseme]

Artisan - what you write it beautiful and the truth.  I couldn't have written it better myself!

[Feralnerd]

The easy path is to demonize our BPD others, stigmatize them, and see them as broken.

It is self-harming to see them as wicked, evil, monsters. Even though their behavior could be that destructive, vampiric and annihilating.

Love does not demand and punish if the demand isn't met.

And when I listen and read on these boards, I see many of us who need love and demand it, and we feel hurt when it is withdrawn. Myself included.

A BPD does not know how to truly self-nurture.

And neither do NONs.

Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing so openly. I can't tell you how much your sentiments articulate ones that are just eluding me, that I know I can grasp if I delve a little deeper into myself. I had the same problem with parents who were abused themselves, who did the best that they could, but never quite knew how to nurture in a healthy way, and left me looking for home and family of my own choosing. What I'm trying to say is, your story resonates strongly with me, and it is incredibly useful to hear it.

You advocate a very hard path, one of self confrontation and addressing our own role in being half of a damaged relationship instead of simply blaming our partners, but it seems to me to be the only path to healing. I've bookmarked this thread to refer to as my own self-work continues. Thank you so much.

[Artisan]

It is the hardest path and the only one that has worked for me.

I've had to learn how to not be so hard on myself ... .

[Blimblam]

Artsan how long did it take you to get to this point?

[Artisan]

Nine months.

And I still have the shadow days.

The first 3 months was pure depression.

Then it started getting a little better.

And in the past month, I've had two really ultra negative-down days.

I just keep going. Juggernaut doesn't stop.

It is my choice to engage in the drama. It is my choice to keep giving her the power (even if we aren't together, thinking about her, dwelling on the past, all of that stuff, is giving her power.)

It is my choice to own my life. The shadows and light. To dance when dark, and laugh at the absurdity of existence.

There is still stuff I am working through.

I still feel broken.

[blue_skies_ahead]

STANDING OVATION!