BPDEx Contacted Me

[Depression = 72% of members]

So it's about a month NC. I go to check my e-mail and see she's sent a message, literally the minute I refreshed my inbox.

I had been doing well, dating/talking to new girls, etc... .I haven't read the message [yet], but I could see the first line or so.

My heart dropped and I feel like I've taken a step backwards, just seeing her name in my inbox.

I am debating whether or not to read it (and to not reply, regardless of what it says), or just to ignore it entirely.

[blindjoe]

So it's about a month NC. I go to check my e-mail and see she's sent a message, literally the minute I refreshed my inbox.

I had been doing well, dating/talking to new girls, etc... .I haven't read the message [yet], but I could see the first line or so.

My heart dropped and I feel like I've taken a step backwards, just seeing her name in my inbox.

I am debating whether or not to read it (and to not reply, regardless of what it says), or just to ignore it entirely.

[Ventus2ct]

Either delete it or if you are really curious (who isn't?) why not send it to a good friend and get them to read it and if important they can tell you its contents/gist. I am so lucky mine doesn't reach out and i don't have these issues.

[blindjoe]

Well, I went for a smoke and read it. I don't feel as bad as I thought I would.

It was fairly long. Basically her detailing how she gave me a second chance and doesn't understand why I've just dropped her out of my life after so much.

Really it read like she was affirming that she was a better person than me because she's trying to reach out to me. She even said she hopes I'll treat the next girl I'm with kinder. What the heck? . This is nonsense. I'm over it. Moving on.

[Mr Hollande]

I was much in the same situation as you. A month after the split with NC. Enjoying the quiet and seeing a nice new girl. My heart jolted when the contact came but I never replied. Several contact attempts later (both phone calls and FB messages) and on the two occasions I've spoken to her even if I've been nothing but cold and dismissive I've felt worse than when maintaining my silence. I'm almost 3 months out of that toxic relationship now and staying NC always feels better.

[Mutt]

Well, I went for a smoke and read it. I don't feel as bad as I thought I would.

It was fairly long. Basically her detailing how she gave me a second chance and doesn't understand why I've just dropped her out of my life after so much.

Really it read like she was affirming that she was a better person than me because she's trying to reach out to me. She even said she hopes I'll treat the next girl I'm with kinder. What the heck? . This is nonsense. I'm over it. Moving on.

Guilt from FOG blindjoe.

Workshop - US: What it means to be in the “FOG”

Keep doing what you're doing. There's an old Buddhist proverb:

“If we are facing in the right direction, all we have to do is keep on walking.”

[BacknthSaddle]

Really it read like she was affirming that she was a better person than me because she's trying to reach out to me. She even said she hopes I'll treat the next girl I'm with kinder. What the heck? . This is nonsense. I'm over it. Moving on.

This happens to me whenever contact is made.  If I'm dismissive, she "misses her best friend."  If, however, I show the least bit of emotional engagement, I get a condescending tone regarding how much more mature she is than me for being able to, as she said last time, "navigate those other feelings and be friends."  In no way is she actually my friend, but she likes to tell me how much better she is at being friends than me to devalue me. If I want to talk, she's disinterested.  If I don't, I'm made to either feel guilt (FOG) or I'm devauled for being childish. 

You are very right.  It's nonsense.  Mutt's take on FOG and the link he's provided are very helpful. 

[blindjoe]

Thanks for the replies.

While I don't necessarily feel as crappy as I thought I would following seeing her send that message, it had me ruminating that night about her and the relationship.

Because I was the one who broke up with her, and basically went NC the SECOND I left her apartment that afternoon, I feel like I initiated the sudden drop out of her life that so many people here experienced on the other end of their BPD. It makes me wonder if perhaps I am BPD or Narcissistic or anything like that.

Furthermore, I've been talking to new girls and had a few dates, and have another one tonight, and what I'm finding is that I am simply not interested in women outside of sex right now, and I find it incredibly boring to have to go through the dating process and 'prove' myself. It makes me miss the ease and comfort of at least knowing I had SOMEONE with the BPDex. Not that I'm going back, but this is just how I feel right now.

And I'm noticing too, that due to my circumstances, sober, 26 this month, living at home, a few months away from a degree, etc... without going into too much detail, I'm basically not where I should be in life. No one's fault but my own. Anyways, I'm finding it difficult to meet women. I don't have any desire for a relationship. I don't feel like I'm even capable of being in a relationship anymore.

I'm all sorts of confused, basically. I really want to start drinking again so I can at least feel some semblance of pleasure. I'm kind of stuck in a state of anhedonia. I know how to play the 'game' to get women, but I find it tedious. At least the BPDex was with me despite my own flaws. So now I wonder if I made a mistake. In that, maybe I should have just waited to end things with her until my own life was improving so I wouldn't be so alone.

And the girls I've been meeting, it seems like the attraction is there intensely and then it just fades as quickly as it arose. Probably due to my incapacity to take things slowly after the last whirlwind of a relationship I was in.

This probably makes little sense. tl;dr I'm finding meeting women difficult now, and it's not a problem I had before. Being sober is not making this any easier. I don't miss the ex or her behavior, however I miss the knowledge that I had someone to be intimate with, even if they were bad for me.