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Author Topic: Help I'm about to contact her after 2 months NC  (Read 555 times)
zenwexler
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« on: July 20, 2014, 04:09:09 PM »

I know I shouldn't but I want to so badly it's been 2 months NC I've had her number blocked this entire time. I've never gone this long without hearing from from her in the last two years of knowing her and it's starting to chip away from me. I know I shouldn't unblock her but i feel myself slipping
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motherof1yearold
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« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2014, 04:17:16 PM »

Stay strong!

Do you have any hobbies you like to do, or something for relaxation to help get your mind off of this?
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Overbeck
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« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2014, 04:59:37 PM »

The odds of success, however you measure it, are extremely slim.

Your ex will feed off if your capitulation and might humiliate you.

Take a long, hot shower. Take a walk. Endure.

We are with you.
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blindjoe

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« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2014, 05:10:29 PM »

Just don't do it.

My ex recently contacted me. I haven't replied. But since seeing her attempt and reading the message, I've been extremely tempted to respond.

I can't contact her. I look at like drinking. Both are no longer an option for me.
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Aussie JJ
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Relationship status: apart 18 months, 12 months push pull 6 months seperated properly, 4 months k own about BPD
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« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2014, 05:48:04 PM »

Zen,

You are doing a lot better than many of us.  I'm up to 16 days on day 17 now.  Thread below was first for a check in for me.  Reading others experiences has helped me a lot.  Knowing I am not alone.  I have replaced my addiction with her with an addiction writting my thoughts out and reading others posts.  Makes it easier to accept for me how horrible I feel at times.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=228426.0

And were up to thread #2 now... . feel free to read and post.  Helps me and may help you.  

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=229136.0

Another thing I do is go for a walk, read a book.  Something that is 'mine' and nothing to do with her.  
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Tausk
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« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2014, 06:00:51 PM »

For some people, NC is the most painful at about 2-4 months.  This is because the initial adrenaline of NC is gone and all that remains is the void of the loss of the addiction. 

There's a painful chasm, which was malignantly filled with our addiction to the Disorder.  And that void is sharp and terrifying and cold. 

So the solution for me is:

1: not to try and fill it with my addictions

2. try and fill it with meaning.  Devotion to a cause, person, effort that is value.  And thus my void is also filled eventually with my true self.  Not the false self that was mirrored by the Disorder.

My efforts to my ex were of no value.  The resulted in selfish destruction.  There was no real meaning.   And going back each time only resulted in more destruction.

Hang in there.  You can make it.  Find a spiritual effort if you can.

T
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myself
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« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2014, 06:12:21 PM »

It's best to not go back, if it's really over.

But sometimes we're not sure of that just yet.

Like needing to see if the teeth do indeed fit the wounds.

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Trent
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« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2014, 08:48:20 PM »

Sorry, as the self-appointed authority on breaking NC, I hereby decline your request to contact your ex.    Being cool (click to insert in post)

And in the highly unlikely event my declination doesn't carry as much weight as I think it should  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post), try this:  every time you think of something good with her, think of two bad things she did to you.   

hang in there! 
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2014, 09:05:59 PM »

zen,

I echo everyone else. My r/s was a relatively short engagement, and she also had a 1 yr/old daughter. I wanted to believe it was true love after she ended things abruptly. I spent almost 2 years in a long process trying to figure out if it was love, or if there was anything there from her. I wish I could have those 2 years back. In a way, I guess it's good I know now that I wouldn't want a relationship with her. Basically her friends and people who knew us around the time of our r/s pretty much confirmed her stormy history and how they were all equally surprised at how fast she fell for me and then at how fast she pushed me aside. She seemed somewhat accomodating at times, and other times she would ignore me and throw a huge tantrum. After the last email from her I realized we would never have a mature or equal relationship, and I need to do the best I can to forget her. It's a different kind of struggle for each of us. I wish you the best as you move forward and seek answers. My guess is that most of us put a lot more love an energy into these relationships than we'll ever get credit for from outsiders, and that we deserve someone who can give us the same love.
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Huh?
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« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2014, 09:07:03 PM »

Im also 16 days no contact from my ex fiance.  Like you, I do miss the "good" her... .but I will not contact her for four reasons.  1. Her narcissism.  She would absolutely love it and feed her "perceived" power and control over me.  2. I can never win with her, Im always on the defensive... .about the smallest things.  I have no energy left to prove myself or my intentions towards her anymore. 3.  My bank account is growing exponentially since the split... .as I know longer have to throw my money away to feed her bottomless needs.  4.  I have ZERO trust in anything she says.

So, contact her if you will... .but just remember... .what you think may good, may be good for awhile... .till it goes right back to the way it was.  OR, you can wait it out and heal, and start new by finding somebody with good CHARACTER.  

Proverbs in the Bible says, "As a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his foolishnes".   Lets not be fools, together. Smiling (click to insert in post)  
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gtrhr
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« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2014, 09:33:45 PM »

 Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) Don't contact her! Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)    Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post)

As someone who recently made the mistake you think you want to mistake let me tell you what happened.  I told her, after all of this time due to the nature of our past relationship I had no closure.  Instead of getting that I got the following:

I miss you.

I want to come see you and visit you in your studio so you can play music for me.

I want a future together.

I'm dating someone and I tell him about you all the time and that I miss you.

Followed by... .her not doing anything about any of it including breaking up with her current friend, coming to see me, or even meeting me face to face even after agreeing to do so, until I basically announced I was coming over as it's been two weeks since she started filling my head with this nonsense.  And then I subjected myself to just more kind of ambivalence.

No contact and the occasional "I still miss her" pangs were a dream compared to being racked with anxiety and stress for 2 weeks of me spinning to try and win back her love or whatever it is I think I'm doing.  It was stupid the other times I tried to work out with her when she said and did virtually the exact same thing.

She wants to be lovers for life, just not this week.

So if you have a usual pattern, unless she's done a LOT OF WORK on herself and is proactively contacting you to explain exactly what she's learned about herself, best to avoid like the plague! 

Sorry, been a tough couple of weeks!




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Karmachameleon
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« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2014, 09:37:39 PM »

After a month and a half of excruciating pain from not contacting my ex, he just tried to text and call in the past 3 days.  I was sure I would never hear from him again and it was completely unexpected since he has been badmouthing me to everyone and on Facebook and his whole family has blocked me, as well.  I didn't respond to the text (I accidentally saw the first couple of words, "I miss you soo... ." and I deleted the voicemail without listening.  Felt good.  The thing that has worked for me is to imagine that contact=pain and I just can't handle any more pain.  I am making myself Pavlov's dog, I guess.  Contact = pain, contact = pain.
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antjs
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« Reply #12 on: July 20, 2014, 10:51:05 PM »

I have found that writing down 2 papers helped a lot. The first paper has all the characteristics that i hate about her eg liar, cheater, manipulative, control freak, has daddy issues,... .etc. the other would be the bad incidents and crazy making and rages that happened eg when we were together then suddenly she raged at me because i forgot to do so and so


That really helped me a lot and every time i did long to reach out for her i get these 2 papers and keep reading them. It breaks the fantasy in my head and missing the "good" times with her. Keep these 2 papers folded in your wallet for immediate access.
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Infared
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« Reply #13 on: July 20, 2014, 11:36:42 PM »

This site has helped my pain a lot... .I have learned so much here and have also gotten support and understanding and some humor about a very hurtful disorder... .

Zenwexler... .I am with everyone else here... .keep up the NC for your own good.   Think about the consequences of making contact... .I am years down the road now and I have not attempted any contact... .but she now occasionally tries to interact with me... .but, now I never allow it as I know it is not healthy for ME.  I still have pain and sadness assoc. with it... .but it gets easier.

I know, when I was at your stage of NC and I broke it, she was always demeaning and abusive to me, and I always ended up ten steps backward and in a TON of pain. We are all cheering you on... .just keep moving forward and consider it an act of loving you, because that is what it is... .you will see and understand more as you move along the road to a healthier you!
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zenwexler
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« Reply #14 on: July 21, 2014, 07:11:34 PM »

Everything everyone saying is all so true. I know contact is futile. She does always put me in defense mode she is always demeaning and talks to me like I'm beneath her and I do everything i can to jump through her hoops and prove to her that I'm worthy of her love. And it always leads to nowhere.

I just miss her right now so much. I really do. I conveniently forget how much I hate and despise her and how much pain she put me through and crazy she truly was. I ways put that in the back of my mind.

I also have a ton of anxiety because since I blocked her I have no idea if she's tried to contact me. Every time I went no contact in the past she would always reach out. Which would feel good because it would confirm to me that she didn't let go 
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Infared
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« Reply #15 on: July 21, 2014, 10:12:45 PM »

Everything everyone saying is all so true. I know contact is futile. She does always put me in defense mode she is always demeaning and talks to me like I'm beneath her and I do everything i can to jump through her hoops and prove to her that I'm worthy of her love. And it always leads to nowhere.

I just miss her right now so much. I really do. I conveniently forget how much I hate and despise her and how much pain she put me through and crazy she truly was. I ways put that in the back of my mind.

I also have a ton of anxiety because since I blocked her I have no idea if she's tried to contact me. Every time I went no contact in the past she would always reach out. Which would feel good because it would confirm to me that she didn't let go  

I so feel for you... .I had depression, mixed with anxiety that at any time, almost for no reason would develop into panic attacks... .I really suffered, I never smoked in my life and I started smoking 3 packs of Marlboro Red a day. (I don't recommend that! LOL!). The down-spiraling of the relationship has something to do with our make-up and something to do with theirs... .but from my experience, once it starts to come undone, there is no fixing it. There is only our minds telling us that it can be fixed, but every time we take actions to fix the relationship it just plays out into a repeated beat down for us, again and again, and in my case my ex and her new lover seemed to take great enjoyment in dishing it out to me.  It was God-awful... My thinking at the time was, "I really love this woman, We shared so much together, her family loves me and I love them, I believe in us and I will get her to understand and get us back together and we can make it even better than it was before".  In reality all I really appeared to do was to proved to really sick people with entertainment with my attempts.  She had not only turned on a dime and abandoned me, but she took great joy in causing me emotional pain.

So many here have the same story with minor variations... .

I know like the rest of us that you can get thru this. I wish you well and I send you strength.
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Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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« Reply #16 on: July 21, 2014, 10:57:52 PM »

Everything everyone saying is all so true. I know contact is futile. She does always put me in defense mode she is always demeaning and talks to me like I'm beneath her and I do everything i can to jump through her hoops and prove to her that I'm worthy of her love. And it always leads to nowhere.

I just miss her right now so much. I really do. I conveniently forget how much I hate and despise her and how much pain she put me through and crazy she truly was. I ways put that in the back of my mind.

I also have a ton of anxiety because since I blocked her I have no idea if she's tried to contact me. Every time I went no contact in the past she would always reach out. Which would feel good because it would confirm to me that she didn't let go  

I so feel for you... .I had depression, mixed with anxiety that at any time, almost for no reason would develop into panic attacks... .I really suffered, I never smoked in my life and I started smoking 3 packs of Marlboro Red a day. (I don't recommend that! LOL!). The down-spiraling of the relationship has something to do with our make-up and something to do with theirs... .but from my experience, once it starts to come undone, there is no fixing it. There is only our minds telling us that it can be fixed, but every time we take actions to fix the relationship it just plays out into a repeated beat down for us, again and again, and in my case my ex and her new lover seemed to take great enjoyment in dishing it out to me.  It was God-awful... My thinking at the time was, "I really love this woman, We shared so much together, her family loves me and I love them, I believe in us and I will get her to understand and get us back together and we can make it even better than it was before".  In reality all I really appeared to do was to proved to really sick people with entertainment with my attempts.  She had not only turned on a dime and abandoned me, but she took great joy in causing me emotional pain.

So many here have the same story with minor variations... .

I know like the rest of us that you can get thru this. I wish you well and I send you strength.

Zennie:  Like Infared said (it's like an X-man movie with the names Smiling (click to insert in post)) you can get through this.  It's hard, but I have faith that you will do it.  Just the level of introspection, honesty and self responsibility in your posts indicate to me that you're well on your way to recovery.  What you are feeling, everyone on this board not only understands... .but we have all had those feelings.  It's how we respond to the feelings that determines where our path leads us.

Perhaps lean into the pain with a Therapist to help if you need.  I found that leaning into the pain let me know some of my core spiritual wounds, such as loneliness, and even deeper, insecurities and self esteem, and trying to fix my childhood by fixing damaged people as an adult... .it goes on...

but I can say, that today, I'm more complete as a person than I've ever been.  I'm more genuine.  I can be with people, as myself, and strangely, they flock to me to be with me for support.

I still hurt, but I'm recovering.  You are too.

But I'd suggest staying away from the daily 3 packs of Marboro Reds, unlike Infared.  Too expensive and not good for anxiety in the long run.  Perhaps joining a gym with the money you save from not smoking  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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Blimblam
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« Reply #17 on: July 21, 2014, 11:59:02 PM »

Wait untill she has a full line up of replacements before contacting her.  When she has a full line up she won't "need" you.  Then you might get a sorry.  But it really means sorry I have a full line up to cover all my needs and no need for you any longer
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