Not good enough and never will be

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

G'day I'm a newbie and just starting to feel my way out of the nightmare my life has become,  I know that I am just as responsible for the slow and painful death of my marriage as my wife, I have explored and exposed the reasons for the way I have been my wife's enabler and my codependent issues in therapy, my wife is right in that I am screwed up but I'm working on it I'm getting better and I want to be the best father I can be.

I am convinced that my wife has BPD and my psychologist thinks it extremely likely as well,  my wife has always had symptoms of BPD not that I knew it at the time but for the first few years of our relationship I stood up to her, I had boundaries, but after the birth of our first child everything escalated, her rages became constant and extreme, criticism, put downs, outright hatred, friends were thrown away for imagined insults, family were openly disdained and not welcome,  I thought she was suffering postpartum depression if so it's been going on for more than 6 years.

Through therapy I realised or rather came to understand the reasons why I stopped standing up for myself after our daughters birth, it came back to my parents and how my emotionally/verbally/physically abusive father treated my mother after she gave birth to a son when he wanted a daughter and my attempts to protect and make my mother happy and failing to achieve either goal, I was fearful of becoming my father so I took all the abuse my wife has thrown my way.

My moment of clarity my road to Damascus moment was when I had my beautiful 4 year old daughter sitting in my lap and she started sobbing and she asked me "daddy why doesn't mummy like me" it hit me like a punch to the stomach I watched my family and myself and it felt like I was coming out of a mist and could see with some clarity for the first time in years,  I talked to my wife about it and was told in no uncertain terms and with a good dose of criticism that it was all my fault and that I am screwing up everything and everyone and she has never done anything wrong.

I believed her and wanting to be a better husband and father got myself off to therapy my wife found this extremely threatening but also validated her opinion that I was the whole problem, the amount of criticism I copped was unbelievable, after some months of cognitive behavioral therapy it became clear that I was not the only problem and that neither I nor our children are responsible for my wife's actions,  when I asked her to go to therapy the rage episode was monumental.

About 18 months ago she started demanding divorce telling me that she hates me, everything is all my fault,  she's never done anything wrong, I'm screwing up our children our marriage and our lives all by myself, she started going out jogging with other men and telling me about how guys are trying to get her attention and how easy it would be to replace me, by this time I had rebuilt my self esteem somewhat, 3 months ago I accepted her 17th demand for a divorce and moved out, her rage episode has become so predictable it's almost boring.

I realised that no matter how hard I tried to be perfect it would never be good enough, my wife wishes she never had kids but won't let me look after them more than 50% of the time, now I just concentrate on being the best dad I can be for my children,  my home is an island of calm for them to retreat to, I will try to be a rock a solid foundation my children can always count on, they cry when they leave to go to their mothers house but know that I will always be right here for them.

That's all I have left.

[Pogo14]

G'day I'm a newbie and just starting to feel my way out of the nightmare my life has become,  I know that I am just as responsible for the slow and painful death of my marriage as my wife, I have explored and exposed the reasons for the way I have been my wife's enabler and my codependent issues in therapy, my wife is right in that I am screwed up but I'm working on it I'm getting better and I want to be the best father I can be.

I am convinced that my wife has BPD and my psychologist thinks it extremely likely as well,  my wife has always had symptoms of BPD not that I knew it at the time but for the first few years of our relationship I stood up to her, I had boundaries, but after the birth of our first child everything escalated, her rages became constant and extreme, criticism, put downs, outright hatred, friends were thrown away for imagined insults, family were openly disdained and not welcome,  I thought she was suffering postpartum depression if so it's been going on for more than 6 years.

Through therapy I realised or rather came to understand the reasons why I stopped standing up for myself after our daughters birth, it came back to my parents and how my emotionally/verbally/physically abusive father treated my mother after she gave birth to a son when he wanted a daughter and my attempts to protect and make my mother happy and failing to achieve either goal, I was fearful of becoming my father so I took all the abuse my wife has thrown my way.

My moment of clarity my road to Damascus moment was when I had my beautiful 4 year old daughter sitting in my lap and she started sobbing and she asked me "daddy why doesn't mummy like me" it hit me like a punch to the stomach I watched my family and myself and it felt like I was coming out of a mist and could see with some clarity for the first time in years,  I talked to my wife about it and was told in no uncertain terms and with a good dose of criticism that it was all my fault and that I am screwing up everything and everyone and she has never done anything wrong.

I believed her and wanting to be a better husband and father got myself off to therapy my wife found this extremely threatening but also validated her opinion that I was the whole problem, the amount of criticism I copped was unbelievable, after some months of cognitive behavioral therapy it became clear that I was not the only problem and that neither I nor our children are responsible for my wife's actions,  when I asked her to go to therapy the rage episode was monumental.

About 18 months ago she started demanding divorce telling me that she hates me, everything is all my fault,  she's never done anything wrong, I'm screwing up our children our marriage and our lives all by myself, she started going out jogging with other men and telling me about how guys are trying to get her attention and how easy it would be to replace me, by this time I had rebuilt my self esteem somewhat, 3 months ago I accepted her 17th demand for a divorce and moved out, her rage episode has become so predictable it's almost boring.

I realised that no matter how hard I tried to be perfect it would never be good enough, my wife wishes she never had kids but won't let me look after them more than 50% of the time, now I just concentrate on being the best dad I can be for my children,  my home is an island of calm for them to retreat to, I will try to be a rock a solid foundation my children can always count on, they cry when they leave to go to their mothers house but know that I will always be right here for them.

That's all I have left.

[tired-of-it-all]

You sound like a good father.  You are doing the best that you can with the hand you have been dealt.  Don't blame yourself.  This is a baffling and confusing disorder.  You are just one more victim of BPD.  Be good to yourself.  Take time for you.  DO NOT GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP until you have had time to heal and know that you can stay away from this personality type.

Stay with this forum and you will find lots of support.

[Pogo14]

Thank you, it was quite strange when I first separated from my wife I had a very powerful urge to find someone else but talked myself out of it,  now I'm sure that I'm not ready for that and may never be again, once bitten twice shy.

[gtrhr]

Thanks for sharing your story.  You sound like you're doing really well with this.  I think it's great that you got into therapy and were able to realize that divorce would be the healthiest choice for you considering how she was treating you, even though it may not have been the outcome you wanted.

Well I think it's good you're there for your kids as well.  I dated someone with BPD for a while and I have to say I treated her kids as if they were my own.  At times she would build me up and call me super-dad.  Other times I felt like disposable garbage based on how she treated me.  So I can related to not feeling good enough.  And unfortunately I could see her treat her own children this way, especially her older daughter.  That was sad to see, but it does reinforce that it's not you, it's the person with BPD and anyone in a close family situation is going to be subject to this treatment.  Good to hear your kids have a calm place to go.

[Mutt]

but after the birth of our first child everything escalated

I can relate to this Pogo14. After the birth of our first child it seemed like she became worse and I attached that to PPD but her depression never seemed to lift.

I had 3 children with her and each childbirth it seemed like she was getting worse. PPD is especially hard on women and I felt like I couldn't understand or help.  I'm sorry to hear you had a difficult 6 years. That's tough.

"daddy why doesn't mummy like me" it hit me like a punch to the stomach I watched my family and myself and it felt like I was coming out of a mist and could see with some clarity for the first time in years,  I talked to my wife about it and was told in no uncertain terms and with a good dose of criticism that it was all my fault and that I am screwing up everything and everyone and she has never done anything wrong.

It could be that your DD was split black in that period  that your D told you this. Mothers with BPD will split children black as well as SO, you csn read accounts from members coping from parents board to get an idea.

Your wife is projecting shame and guilt on you and throwing up FOG, emotional blackmail. A marriage is equal parts as you already understand. You can't cast blame entirely on the SO (it takes two as you say) she is putting herself in the position of victimhood.

after some months of cognitive behavioral therapy it became clear that I was not the only problem and that neither I nor our children are responsible for my wife's actions,  when I asked her to go to therapy the rage episode was monumental.

I'm confused, I understand nons benefit from  CBT but did she go? I apologize if I don't understand. She is emotionally immature. Your wife is projecting herself again Pogo14 and trying to attach her shame and guilt on you. You have themes of FOG (emotional blackmail) heavy projection from her and emotional immaturity with say she can get any man to her H. I'm sorry but there's not much from her end that she is contributing in a healthy non-toxic manner is there?

You have S4 and D6? Why are they crying when they are going to mom's? What's going on at her house? Are you co-parenting or parallel parenting?

[Pogo14]

The behavioral therapy was to help me correct my unhealthy thoughts and is ongoing and probably will be for a long time,  my wife however believes there is nothing wrong with the way she treats people, she found it extremely insulting when I raised the possibility of her seeking help it was as if I was attacking her and she responded with rage, the response was the same when her parents raised the subject, she has never had anything to do with mental health professionals.

Yes my son is 4 and daughter is 6 turns 7 next month they cry when they leave because as they say mummy is always cranky, mummy shouts all the time,  my wife can be very affectionate towards the kids, can put a lot of effort into birthday parties, Christmas, easter, reads them bed time stories and can be very caring and nurturing and I believe she loves them very much,  however I don't know if she realises how much she damages them with sarcasm, yelling throwing things, slamming doors etc.

I feel down about it at times, but buck old son and get on with it.

[Pogo14]

I'm a little confused about some of the terms used here I only figured out what FOG was yesterday no idea what split black is referring to.

I will learn

[Mutt]

Your wife has a distorted belief system and maladaptive coping skills. She has defense mechanisms such as splitting and projecting that is a subconscious force.

Let's look at projection. Your wife acts out: Her mood is cranky, she is sarcastic and likely mean? She has tantrums and yells, screams and slams doors. She throws things, she gets emotionally dysregulated and can't soothe her emotions on her own - she takes that out on whomever is in close proximity - a loved one, kids.

All negative behaviors and actions? She denies that she has any issues. She projects and she says you are the problem and need to go into therapy. Projection is subconsciously attaching a negative attribute and action on someone else. In the case of her need for therapy she attaches that to you. It's confusing and can be hard to detect but it's sort of a role reversal when our actions triggers feelings on shame and guilt to someone else. It's a coping mechanism.

I share a similar experience. My wife is not diagnosed and her family couldn't get her to get help when her symptoms and behaviors emerged in her teens. I couldn't  convince her to get into therapy for herself. Having said that, everyone else is the problem and she projects and blames others for her actions. Projection is not something that belongs to you, it's feelings and actions that come from someone else. They own that. Your wife doesn't like mental health professionals, that is her issue. She's made it clear? I don't want help but I will continue my behaviors if I'm left to my own devices - enabled. I'm sorry she is so difficult it is the nature of the disorder.

Now let's look at the term splitting or split black. You can also be split white. Splitting is another defense mechanism - a primitive one to cope with anxiety but it is such a destructive force on the family. Your wife has a very difficult time with the grey area in life - and in people as well.

People are not in the middle but on either sides of the scale. Either all good or all bad. The white and the black. Now let's look at what your D6 and what she said and what triggered this.

"daddy why doesn't mummy like me"

Your D likely said this for the following reasons. She can't understand why mom is undervaluing her (split black, all bad a defense mechanism) D may of approached her  for attention or tried to say something to mom, maybe she was trying to be nice.

Your wife in her mind subconsciously sees D as being all bad. It's like attaching an action that's negative to someone and you see everything about that person as bad. Devaluation. Your D obviously feels confused with her mom's behaviors and attitude towards her. She's asking herself "what did I do that deserves this from mom?" You can relate to D with your wife's hostile behavior towards you when you were maybe being a peacemaker and she lashes out?

That is being split black - black and white thinking. Being undervalued and devaluated as a person. Never being good enough - this is the disorder.