Being accused of being selfish

[refusetosuccumb]

I figure Im better off posting a vent here than a reply to ex's accusation.

I have full custody of both kiddos. I give him liberal visitation but at my discretion. He chooses to have the kids 2 days per week while I work, no communication from him to the children any other time.  This is his chouce.

My sister in law asked to take my kids for the week yay! I texted ex and asked if he was ok taking the kids just one day this week instead of two. He answered "sure no problem hope they have a good time"

Awesome right? I felt relief too soon.

I get another text from him about an hour later. He wants to know if we can hang out since I wont have the kids. I texted back "no I want to enjoy my quiet time" I support the kids on my own and never get a break (which I am fine with because I am their stable parent). He gets 24/7 downtime.

I just received another text telling me Im selfish for not wanting to spend time with him. I guess me not acting like I hate him has him convinced we will reconcile?

Blech. Just trying to clear my head and enjoy my day with the kiddos before they leave.

Wondering if he will try to ruin my quiet week andcwaiting for accusations of having a boyfriend to start.

My evening plans this week involve Netflix and sleep. Lol.

[Mutt]

I'm happy to hear that you are getting a break from the kids and enjoying some quiet down time - a much deserved break. I'm a single parent although 50% of the time and it's a lot of work. You have a very nice SIL

I just received another text telling me Im selfish for not wanting to spend time with him.

Consider the source. It's a response that sounds emotionally immature. Triggers a little guilt from FOG. Ignore him for your downtime - you don't need interruptions and triggers from ex. Enjoy!

[Lolster]

Selfish?  I sense some projection going on there.  Ignore him, if he wants to start tying himself up in knots about whether you have a new bf etc then let him. 

[MommaBear]

I think what they don't understand is that they are TOO MUCH.

My ex never let me have downtime. I had to be fully charged and ready to go, every minute of every day. Be a mom, a student, work 4 jobs, clean the house, cook, look beautiful, do my hair, my makeup, make the calls, pay the bills, run the errands, listen to his whiney incessant rants and paranoid delusions, and if I don't answer a text or a call right away ... .BAM! The rage, the accusations of cheating, the delusions, the crazy justifications for why he KNEW I was cheating (I wasn't) ... .

One time, I was about 10 minutes late from an evening class, because I stopped to buy milk. He was convinced I had an affair.

I showed him the milk. He actually suggested that I bought the milk as part of my "cover story". 

Sometimes, we have to fight for our downtime. I had this experience as well, when I was trying to be civil and co-parent as friends. Eventually he got bored of not being able to control me, and my not giving him validation, and I got painted black. Now the abuse is (in some ways) worse than when we were married, and I can't get even the slightest information about my child when they're together.

Take your downtime. It's yours. Your time is yours, not his. Even still, my ex thinks he can tell me how to spend my time, when to complete various tasks, and how my money should be budgeted.

Sit in bed, eat cookies, watch Netflix and shut off your phone! Sometimes not answering, or even looking at the phone, is so, SOO SWEET! 

[refusetosuccumb]

My ex REALLY put on a show today about how pissed he is that I won't sleep with him or spend time with him while the kids are gone.

I dropped the kids off (his day) and all was well.  Then he started texting me at work.  Over and over and over again.  When I didn't respond, the texts got nastier (I won't repeat, i'm sure you can all relate to how low they can blow.

After about 2 hours, I texted him back that he needs to spend time with the kids since it's his time.  Kept texting.  Texted him that if he texted me another thing not kid-related, I'm coming to collect the kids.  Few more texts.  Made arrangements at work to leave and headed over.  Texted him to send the kids out.  He texted he wanted to speak with me upstairs.  I told him no.  He came outside.  My kiddos peaked out and yelled "hi mom!" and went back inside.  He stands between me and the door and starts pleading with me to "just give him 20 minutes of time this week while the kids are away"  I stayed firm.  He rants and raves, I keep firmly telling him this conversation is over, get the kids ready and we are leaving.  He finally relents.

He is so wrapped up in getting my time that he wasted his precious time with his kids harassing me.  I didn't feel comfortable with the kids there today.  I asked them how their visit was and they said daddy was at the kitchen table most of the morning.  He fed them and went back to texting me.

I'm going to see my lawyer tomorrow to see what I can do about this.  I'm hoping it's just a burst from him, as he usually has a good time with the kids when they are over.  But I need to cover my bases that I was OK with cutting his parenting time short due to my concern for the kids.

The kids are gone, I'm back home.  Got invited out for a movie with a few friends.  So I'm going.    And will enjoy every moment of my evening.

I think I handled him the best way I could today.  If I could rewind the day I never would have dropped them off today.  But it's over for now.  No texts or calls from him.  I did remind him that if he shows up at my house unnanounced that I WILL be calling the police.  This is MY time.

[swiftkick]

Yea for you sticking to your guns and your well-deserved time to do whatever the heck you want.  I was once a people person--would rather spend time with my friends than sit at home looking for something to do.  I don't know if it's having kids or being with someone who has BPD that has made me realize how precious my "me" time really is!

My foo was very big on not being selfish (which was just another way to guilt us into doing what my mom wanted), so I've realized one of my big hurdles was to let that go and not let it be a catalyst for the FOG to start drifting in.

Thank you for being an inspiration, refusetosuccumb! 

[refusetosuccumb]

Thank you so much for the compliment.  I sure don't feel like an inspiration, but I'm grateful that someone can learn something from me 

Watched "Guardians of the Galaxy" and it was actually pretty good.  A few times I felt myself drifting to the events of today and I kept telling myself "you are out and having a good time, focus"  So yay me, I did end up having a good time I just wish it wasn't somewhat marred by what happened today, or my ex in general.

One day at a time, right?  Tomorrow I booked a coffee date with a friend and another coffee date with another friend Thursday night.  I'm sure my ex will have a cow if he finds out, but I don't care at this point.  He also, in the past, accused me of being a lesbian (I wouldn't sleep with him because he developed a drinking problem.  Sloppy isn't sexy to me).  So if he finds out both evenings are actually occupied by other women, wow . 

[Tibbles]

Thank you for your post. I've been fighting so hard to get some time for me and to set some boundaries and it has been so hard. My marriage is over because of my selfishness - the final insulting thing I did was wanting to stay home with our adult daughter who was sick rather than spend time with him. You post helped me feel I am not insane and an awful person. x x x

[swiftkick]

Thank you for your post. I've been fighting so hard to get some time for me and to set some boundaries and it has been so hard. My marriage is over because of my selfishness - the final insulting thing I did was wanting to stay home with our adult daughter who was sick rather than spend time with him. You post helped me feel I am not insane and an awful person. x x x

It is so validating, isn't it?  When we finally realize we aren't the crazy, cold, manipulative people we've been told we are all this time?  And your example rings home with me big time.  My teenage daughter experienced depression last year, and instead of focusing on her emotional health and well-being, we had to focus on how he felt ignored for years when he tried to point out behavioral issues he had observed.  I mean, screaming and yelling to be heard, with no regard for how I was feeling as her mother and that I might need some emotional support in order to be there for her.

He did the same thing on her birthday this year by acting as if we didn't have plans for him to watch our son so that I could host a bunch of teenage girls at my home.  I spent 1/2 the day arguing with him via text instead of enjoying my time with her. 

It is ALL about them at the expense of everyone else in the family.  An infant doesn't demand this much attention!