Your most irrational demands from your bp?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

This thread has brought forth to my mind all the ridiculous things she said over the years. People use the "literally" wrong, but literally I am in a dizzy remembering everything. haha.

I am a guy, I am a feminist... .by that I mean equal rights for women, and one of my pet peeves about her was how she wants equality when it suits her, and how she wants chivalry when it suits her. She NEVER pays, even though she earns ~$140k. Once she raged at me how I do not get out of the car and open the car door for her or pull out the chair for her. I swear you guys, I am a chivalrous person. I do it subconsciously whenever I can for anyone, men or women. But I never thought of it as a requirement. That I would get yelled at in public if I ever forgot to do it. An infinite demands of hers were crazy or hurtful, but I felt this thing about being provided for or being taken care of was something special. Oh, when we would go to a motel she wouldnt pay a cent either because else she wouldnt "feel like a lady." yup, have sex with me in a motel because you can't leave your parents' home, and that's lady like. paying for it (even once) is unladylike.

[elessar]

This thread has brought forth to my mind all the ridiculous things she said over the years. People use the "literally" wrong, but literally I am in a dizzy remembering everything. haha.

I am a guy, I am a feminist... .by that I mean equal rights for women, and one of my pet peeves about her was how she wants equality when it suits her, and how she wants chivalry when it suits her. She NEVER pays, even though she earns ~$140k. Once she raged at me how I do not get out of the car and open the car door for her or pull out the chair for her. I swear you guys, I am a chivalrous person. I do it subconsciously whenever I can for anyone, men or women. But I never thought of it as a requirement. That I would get yelled at in public if I ever forgot to do it. An infinite demands of hers were crazy or hurtful, but I felt this thing about being provided for or being taken care of was something special. Oh, when we would go to a motel she wouldnt pay a cent either because else she wouldnt "feel like a lady." yup, have sex with me in a motel because you can't leave your parents' home, and that's lady like. paying for it (even once) is unladylike.

[OutOfEgypt]

elessar,

I soo identify with this.  Things that would normally be "nice to haves" were required, expected.  Yet, nothing should be expected of her.  Any expectations of her are considered "controlling" or "smothering."  And the shifting sand... .one minute dominant, one minute taking whatever she wants, next minute victim, next minute expecting to be a little pampered princess... .it's all about them taking whatever they want, when they want it, how they want it.  Like a petulant child.

[Heartandsole]

Wow, I think I could write a book about this.  I can't even narrow it down to one story, and thinking about all those stories has me shaking.

"You are not allowed to talk to anyone in my family or it's over"

Then there is the time for 8.5 hours she verbally attacked me for wanting to see my Mom on Mother's Day... . 

[OutOfEgypt]

You guys are actually helping me remember things as I read through the stories:

"You steal my friends.  So, you are not allowed in my social circles any longer."  What really happened:  Some of her friends realized I was a good man who did his best to care for her, yet she walked all over me, lied to me, cheated on me, and enjoyed it.  They saw it, didn't want anything to do with her, and cared about what happened to me.

"I'm changing all my passwords, and you are not allowed near my computer.  You obviously cannot be trusted."  What really happened:  I snooped, got her email password, and found out about her affairs after about 9 months of being tortured... .lied to and used and told he was her "gay friend"... .doing my best to give her the benefit of the doubt and trust her.

There were, of course, the implicit demands.  I was expected to take her side on all arguments and support her hatred toward family members (mine and hers) and former friends of the family who she felt rejected or snubbed by somehow.  All of us in the household were.  Those people were bad people and "never really loved her."  Allegiance was demanded.  If it was even questioned, prepare yourself for being blamed, guilt-tripped, yelled at, and punished and cast out.

[elessar]

Haha OutofEgypt... .yeah... .so in our honeymoon phase we went through these kind of unrealistic expectations. She said "all men do it". I felt so confused, I started asking my female friends am I not doing it right? Their unanimous questions were "has she ever been in a relationship?" (no), and "she watches too many movies".

Btw, Thanks OutofEgypt... .while writing that above sentence I finally remembered stuff that happened in our 6 month "good phase". It wasn't so "good" after all. Man... .the number of stuff I have blacked out over the years just keeps growing... .

[elessar]

OutofEgypt... .looks like we are on the same wavelength right now. Or maybe blacking out of harmful memories is an evolutionary survival mechanism?

[OutOfEgypt]

Btw, Thanks OutofEgypt... .while writing that above sentence I finally remembered stuff that happened in our 6 month "good phase". It wasn't so "good" after all. Man... .the number of stuff I have blacked out over the years just keeps growing... .

You are welcome, I think   Haha.  It comes back to me like flashbacks. 

Seriously, one thing the DSM criteria cannot capture is how controlling and demanding of total allegiance and attention these people can be.

[OutOfEgypt]

definitely some kind of unconscious survival mechanism!

[Bak86]

To not tell anyone about our relationship. What is wrong with her?

I had so much irrational demands from her that I wasn't going to type them all here. But this statement got me. She didn't want me telling anyone we were seeing each other (after the first time she split me black). She never had me meet her friends or anyone who is remotely close to her family. That truly hurt. And I knew she was doing that to keep herself "pure" when she eventually got married to someone else. As she told me once, "if a guy found out I have been with someone else, he won't marry me." She is from that conservative society where if you are not a virgin your value plummets like a rock. A relationship that went on and off for years secretively from her end is something that was painful.

Ugh... .sounds exactly like my ex 

[Lion Fire]

there were some really crazy demands along the way but this one stands out as the most ridiculous... .

in the course of a couple of days she had several blow ups sparked by jealousy... .a woman smiled at me on the underground, a woman "looked at me longer than necessary or appropriate" while we were walking in a park, a gay guy eyed me up as we walked into a supermarket.

She was seething and blamed me for " giving off an aura of sexual availability"   

Anyway, after finally erupting, abusing me verbally, screaming, threatening to throw me out of her apartment, talking about available guys who are interested in her etc... she goes on to show me, with a straight face, how to adopt a "London look" that makes eye contact unlikely and therefore "will reduce further incidents of this nature". She demonstrated this by showing me a middle distance, disengaged and disinterested look. She also showed me how to lower me gaze if I was approached by an attractive woman. I was told to be aware of attractive people and immediately look away so as not to be tempted. I stood watching this slack jawed. At one point I asked her if she was joking. It was like stand up comedy. She remained deadpan which made it more ridiculous  She went on to explain that I was "a beautiful man" and I have to be responsible with this because I was now in a real relationship.

I still chuckle when I think of that mad scene. 

There were so many more but this is the standout.

[Sofie]

Oh, too many to count... .

There was one incident, though, which really helped open my to eyes to that something was seriously wrong. While exBPD and I were together, I was in a car accident. Due to plain luck I got away with a broken arm and being bruised and battered - it was a miracle, really, that I did not get killed. When my exBPD showed up at the hospital to see me, she pulled out pen and paper from her bag, because she wanted my help to make a list of guests to invite for her coming birthday party.

(Hello... .uhmm... .I nearly died a few hours ago, you know? Sorry that your birthday party isn't presently the first thing on my mind... .)

[OutOfEgypt]

You just reminded me of another thing, Sofie

My ex wanted me to be "fixed" so that there was no way that she would ever get pregnant again.  She brought it up for a number of years, insisting how it needed to be done and how it was safer for me to do it than for her.  She brought it up again after she came back from one of her affairs, like now that she's back, let's get back to where we left off and make sure she can't get pregnant.  I gingerly explained some of my reservations, without directly saying, "I don't even know if we will be together in a few years" because I knew it would make her flip out and challenge me and want to split up -that was always her button to push, she was always one-foot-out (except when I finally said "enough!".  She explained how she would take care of me when I was recovering and blah blah blah.  So, I made the decision to go ahead with it, at the time, based on my own reasons, not hers.

Well, I finally had it done.  She let me go ahead with it while having two affairs behind my back (I did not know about at the time... .one with one of my best friends, one with some guy who STILL follows her around to this day).  And did she take care of me while I was laying in bed, recovering for a few days?  I think she brought me a glass of water and tylenol once.  I told her I was hungry and needed something to eat.  Nothing.  I told her again.  Eventually, like an hour or two later, she sent in my daughter with a box of Cheezits.

[woofhound]

Oh, too many to count... .

There was one incident, though, which really helped open my to eyes to that something was seriously wrong. While exBPD and I were together, I was in a car accident. Due to plain luck I got away with a broken arm and being bruised and battered - it was a miracle, really, that I did not get killed. When my exBPD showed up at the hospital to see me, she pulled out pen and paper from her bag, because she wanted my help to make a list of guests to invite for her coming birthday party.

(Hello... .uhmm... .I nearly died a few hours ago, you know? Sorry that your birthday party isn't presently the first thing on my mind... .)

Dude... .I was in an accident (head on collision with a full size pick up at speed). Luckily I only had some damaged muscles in my arm and contusions here and there... .She shows up to the hospital, and acts like she's doing me a favor being there. Wasn't upset at all. If she had been in an accident I would have been beside myself with worry... .

[Vatz]

OutOfEgypt,

I can't fathom ever getting "fixed." I get you did it for your own reasons. When you first mentioned how she said she'd take care of you, I've read enough stories to know what foreshadowing looks like.

Mine didn't want kids. But something tells me she's already been knocked up by my replacement. All the more reason I never want to see her or hear from her again. Even the most remote chance of finding out that after aaaallll that, after how I wanted children, she's squeezed out some other ___hole's runts I'll be pissed. Ever seen documentaries on lions and what they do with cubs that ain't theirs? If it was something I could get away with... .well... .fill in the blanks. Probably want to talk to the T about why that's the first place my mind goes.

[elessar]

Vatz, you have that anger because they change their mind. What I have learned is that they do not know what they want. If she likes me, she wants what I want. When she has decided she doesn't want me, anything I want or like is exactly what she doesn't want or like. But with the next guy she will want the things she didn't want with me. I would completely understand why her having kids will piss you off. If you want them so badly and she used that as an excuse to leave you, to have kids with someone else... .initially it feels like "why didn't she realize this while she was with me!" but we know thats not how they work. they are defined by others, so they give what the others like. and that brings us back to mirroring and a lack of self...

[Vatz]

elessar,

It would be a horrible low-blow. It helps a little to keep in mind that it's not personal. It's the disorder at work, and most likely has nothing to do with my value. It's got nothing to do with me. That's just something I have to keep telling myself. Most days I still have a hard time doing it. Even with work I feel like that negative self-assessment will probably stay with me so long as I'm alive. But, maybe the fact that they're disordered can help me at least accept the possibility it isn't me. I don't know why but I'm not there yet, and it's sort of frustrating for a number of reasons.

Anyway, thanks. You helped remind me that it's all the disorder, that these weren't the actions of a normal and sane person. I can start there at least.

[letmeout]

I am partly the reason her mom got cancer and died

Oh my, I forgot about this one. He accused me of killing his father (the man died of stomach cancer), He also accused me of cheating on him when I bought a vibrator.

LOL

[Pieter2]

Had an incident downtown on my way to pick her up: Gun put to my face and muggers took my phone. Got to her work in shock. She proceeded to scream and yell at me (Having just had a real gun to my head) - Next day when my brother phones her (since I don't have a phone) to find out if I'm OK she tells me I am attention seeking and how is SHE supposed to feel? Proceeded to demand that I apologise to her since the fact that I had a gun to my head reflected badly on her.

[letmeout]

Pieter2, that just creeped me out; it showed how sick she is as a human being.

[Heartandsole]

I go in major trouble one time when my uBPDw saw an old picture frame that came out of an old box in storage.  It had nine little wallet sized photos in it. One was of my previous girlfriend (the ONLY previous girlfriend). At this point we had been together for more than 10 years.  She was so pissed and thought it was a reasonable expectation for me to have decided one day to go through every box of old photographs and throw out old photos of that woman.  Like I am supposed to delete that chapter of my life?  Like I am supposed to say one day, "Hey I think I'll go through a couple thousand pictures and purge ones that have my exgf in them, I don't need any of those college memories" 

I had totally forgotten about that one!

Another time, my parents were giving us a loan to buy a piece of property to build our dream home on and she says we can take the money but my parents are NEVER allowed to step foot on the property or have ANY knowledge or opinion about ANYTHING related to the house, or it would be ruined for her.

The phone message:  "If you don't call me back right now, we are getting a divorce"

[Stjarna]

Reading through this thread has brought back so many memories!  I have too many stories to count in my 40-year marriage, but I will just tell the most recent ridiculous one. 

We split 16 months ago.  We have 5 children, all adults, but our youngest daughter is high-functioning autistic.  We also have a son who has been in rehab for his addictions.  So, we have chosen to maintain limited contact, as now and then there are issues that come up with these kids.  We go through these cycles of being able to communicate a bit, but they always deteriorate to him threatening me or the kids with various things (he threatens things against our children as a way to hurt me).  I have blocked his phone on a couple of occasions where the texts start to be relentless rants and threats.  Then a month or so later I will unblock it (I know, I know... .probably should just stay NC for good). 

So, anyway I was at work yesterday when he started in on a barrage of threatening texts, and I blocked his phone number to get some peace.  About an hour later, I got this email:

":)o not ever unblock me again.  You have lost the previlage (his spelling) of texting me forever."   

[tired-of-it-all]

Don't beat yourself up for having contact with him.  You have children together.  I hope you can maintain NC; however, it was not unreasonable of you to try to work with him. 

His response was ridiculous and typical of his condition.

[workinprogress]

Had an incident downtown on my way to pick her up: Gun put to my face and muggers took my phone. Got to her work in shock. She proceeded to scream and yell at me (Having just had a real gun to my head) - Next day when my brother phones her (since I don't have a phone) to find out if I'm OK she tells me I am attention seeking and how is SHE supposed to feel? Proceeded to demand that I apologise to her since the fact that I had a gun to my head reflected badly on her.

Being threatened with a gun is a hugely traumatic experience.

I had a buddy that was robbed at gunpoint in college.  He had nightmares about it for years afterwards.  You have my sympathies.

[Mutt]

Pieter2 you have my sympathies. That must of been a terrifying experience. I'm sorry she invalidated you and put her needs above yours. You experienced a very traumatic event and she's being waifish. It's not fair to you. I hope you're feeling better. Are you OK?

[MrFox]

Her most irrational demand:  "I need to have total honesty, total commitment, and total trust."

Why was it her most irrational demand?  Those are things that are built in relationship by both partners engaging in those actions, a two-way street.  She is completely unwilling to give those things in return.

[Pieter2]

Pieter2 you have my sympathies. That must of been a terrifying experience. I'm sorry she invalidated you and put her needs above yours. You experienced a very traumatic event and she's being waifish. It's not fair to you. I hope you're feeling better. Are you OK?

Hi Mutt

Thanks. Yes, I'm perfectly fine having left her 4 months ago now. It happened just before I ended it. I live in South Africa and it's quite common here to get robbed unfortunately. Happened really quick. Still shaken up about ever driving there again, but since I'm not with her I won't have to  It was actually her that traumatised me. She told me immediately after (whilst I could barely talk from shock) that I'm stupid and shouted : "Why do you talk on my phone  when you're in the dangerous part of the city!" (She phoned me and always got upset if I didn't answer - That's actually why) Sad, so sad. When my family heard about that they all told me to leave. Was a real wake up call with regards to lack of empathy. 

[ConverseHome]

There were so many, that they've become like wallpaper in my memory... .one that immediately comes to mind is when I was incapacitated from an accident. I blew out my knee, and was awaiting reconstructive surgery once the swelling went down. I was incapable of doing much of anything, including driving the kids to school, getting up/down stairs.

My xBPDgf then announces that she is going to visit her ex-spouse for two days in Chicago (we live on the East Coast) and would be back in time for my surgery. Claimed her ex (who was of ailing health) was going to die imminently, and she had to go (btw, her ex is still alive and kicking to this day). I was dumbfounded... .yet, still hung in there for another 8 months.