Should I have sex with ex?

[Visitor]

I think the title says it all but if you can remain "emotionally detached" is it ok to meet up with the BPD ex just for a bit of fun      

[.cup.car]

Fun? Yes.

Bad idea? Yes.

[NeedHelpPls]

That's always a bad idea, even BPD or no BPD.

One of you will most certainly start to want more,

Also, you could potentially be limiting yourself,

slamming the door shut to other opportunities... .

Its tempting. but bite down hard, and resist!

[camuse]

Have sex with a prostitute if you want detached, emotionless joyless porn star sex.

The cost will be a lot less, probably much less risky too.

I'm looking forward to some run-of-the-mill ordinary sex with someone who actually wants to be with me, not just what I can offer them

Until then, my right hand will keep me happy 

So, my answer is no - have some self respect, you'll feel better for it in the long run.

[Michellinda]

I would think definitely not a good idea but I know how good borderlines are in bed so it would be hard to resist. Any other exes without borderline that you can bang? Better to go the safe route.

[Visitor]

Oh its not that I dont have any other options I was just wondering if anybody does it.

The sex is good with a BPD but I think only because they have had so many sexual partners and they are very eager to please. My ex BPD would of acted out my wildest fantasies.

This can be achieved with any girl if you are both open and communicate well. My nonBPDex was just as good in the sack.

I think good sex is very low on the agenda when it comes to a good relationship as its one of those things that can be easily worked on. This is where the BPD's go wrong. They use it as a control mechanism when men generally see this as a fleeting pleasure and a bit of porn will keep them going for a while when the ex has gone.

My imagination does go back to my ex's sometimes when im erm... having a night in 

[woofhound]

You know how they say that in order for a vampire to enter you home, you have to first invite said creature in?

Same for BPD. You might get what you want temporarily, but you will (probably) get additional nonsense as well.

[Ventus2ct]

No way, self respect etc etc…... There are so many other girls out there that to be honest would nock spots off my ex BPD in the bedroom department, sure she was ok but nowt special. Had far better sex with non's, at least you can be emotionally engaged with them and not feel like a human vibrator!

As Camuse said, right hand far less stressful and prob more useful than your ex BPD!

[Lolster]

You know how they say that in order for a vampire to enter you home, you have to first invite said creature in?

Same for BPD. You might get what you want temporarily, but you will (probably) get additional nonsense as well.

This!  From my recent experience. 

[Lucky Jim]

To ask the question is to answer it.  NO!

There is a price tag under every fig leaf.

[Harri]

Generally, there is no such thing as emotionally detached sex with a borderline.   

Why subject yourself to all the other crap you had to deal with again? 

[Rise]

... .if you can remain "emotionally detached"... .

I hope you know that's a big "if". Here's the problems as I see them:

1. Once you already have had an emotional attachment to someone, it's incredibly difficult to interact with them and be completely emotionally detached. That connection has already been formed. And I assume you had a pretty strong emotional attachment to your ex, as otherwise it wouldn't make to much sense for you to be here. But, let's just say for the sake of argument you are capable of remaining completely emotionally detached... .

2. What are the chances that the emotionally disturbed individual with the personality disorder is going to be able to do the same?

[Dutched]

My dear Visitor,

I suggest to have a deep look into your norms and values first.

   “emotionally detached”… ? no, no my friend.

Be honest to yourself, ask yourself if you want a reconciliation

Be honest to ex ( at least within your thoughts)

Etc., etc.

To me it would be utterly disrespectful towards myself AND towards the other person, BPD or not!

[biglearningcurve]

NO

NO

NO

[pallavirajsinghani]

Why?

First ask yourself the question why.

[merlin4926]

I agree its not a good idea .  Its something Ive been doing since March and everytime it happens I feel like we are closer again and then BAM it blows up, he doesn't speak to me for a bit then sucks me back in.  Very hard to stop though!

[Visitor]

Some good replies thanks all.

I think with any girlfriend you get to a point in your sex life where you both know what each other likes and enjoys. This is what makes the sex better. It's much easier to jump into bed with an ex if the opportunity is there but you both have to be on the same page. A few years ago me and an ex kidded ourselves that we could be friends with benefits but we ended up back in a relationship.

It just wouldn't be worth it for than moment of fleeting pleasure I guess.

[Visitor]

P.S. The title of this thread was changed by the moderaters ... .I just asked if its ok to bang your BPD ex.

I have no urge to get back with her at all.

Fun while it lasted but I have been split black and its over. (bullet dodged)

[Blimblam]

Dude,  she attached to you.  If you use her Knowing she is mentally ill and feel no guilt what does that say about yourself? 

[goldylamont]

Visitor, I'm wondering, have you ever had your heart broken? i mean really fallen hard and had your heart broken by someone? i know in this r/s with your BPDx this doesn't seem to be the case. i just mean in the past perhaps?

[Visitor]

Visitor, I'm wondering, have you ever had your heart broken? i mean really fallen hard and had your heart broken by someone? i know in this r/s with your BPDx this doesn't seem to be the case. i just mean in the past perhaps?

Hi goldy yes I have and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Blimblam it says that I wouldn't be a very nice person and I would be just as guilty as most BPD stories on here of others doing it.

I wouldn't do it myself as (I couldn't anyway as she has gone for good). I am just hearing lots of people say how good the sex was and was wondering if this is something that would draw a person back other than hopes of gaining back the idolization.

[goldylamont]

Visitor, I'm wondering, have you ever had your heart broken? i mean really fallen hard and had your heart broken by someone? i know in this r/s with your BPDx this doesn't seem to be the case. i just mean in the past perhaps?

Hi goldy yes I have and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

well, i am so glad that it wasn't this pwBPD that did this to you as it would be even more difficult to deal with. and personally i don't think it would be so much morally wrong for you to have sex with your ex as it would be practically dangerous  at this point she seems vengeful and unstable... .you might find yourself in restraining order territory afterwards, who knows? false domestic violence claims, anyone? and also, even though you are handling the situation really well, you know there was at least some investment for you in the r/s and even though it might affect her more, it could still have some negative side affects on you emotionally. in your case being in different countries is definitely a good buffer against the carnal desires though. best of luck to you.

[OutOfEgypt]

Hell no.  If you think you can remain "emotionally detached", you are lying to yourself.  Self-deception is how we wind up in a recycle again.  Sex is one of the main ways many borderlines hang onto and keep control of people.  Is that what you want for yourself?  Do you still have a need to punish yourself?

[recoil]

I would be worried about:

- her getting pregnant on purpose (she loves those child support checks from her ex).

- her filing a false police report (mine did that to someone before me; I didn't know about BPD at the time).

- getting an unwanted disease (she's been with a few guys after me from what I understand).

- other non-sense.

Nope.  It was great sex but the downsides are too terrible to ignore.

[camuse]

After I split up with my ex, we spent a weekend together about a month later. It was just like old times, lots of good sex, fun, laughter. The following day she met me with some friends, because she "just wanted to see you." But she saw me having fun, and I was split black again because "you are just back to the old you - laughing, joking, having a good time." She said "We had sex at the weekend, then you just went out with your mates." It made no sense at the time.

I stupidly thought after that weekend she might see what a great life we could have. We had great sex, and I was emotional afterwards, but she was indifferent. How naive I was. She just wanted me to continue being obsessed with her, seeing me having a life outside of her killed her. After that point I was never really released from the darkness, she was distant, then cold, then we stopped talking forever.

They just don't think like us. They aren't logical. It's hard to get your head around.

I like to think one day she will realise what she threw away. But she probably won't.

It's all very very tragic.

But that weekend didn't benefit me, it made it harder. I wish I hadn't bothered. Normal people want to have a nice happy life. BPDs see it as a threat somehow, a danger, and they push away.

Don't do it. No sex is worth any hassle or heartbreak. Sex with a BPD is more like rape - emotional rape. I feel disgusted now, it just isn't worth it. It seems so good at the time, it's the very worst kind of sex - transactional, abusive, manipulative and fake.

I'm not sure what I did in a previous life to deserve this nightmare.

[HostNoMore]

I concur with all of the excellent points everyone has mentioned prior.  Not no, but hell no is the only answer if you value yourself and your well being.

Basically, you know what you are dealing with here.  You know that the BPD stove is very hot and can burn you in so many, many ways yet you're still tempted. Yes, the porn sex had a fun quality, but in my experience my exBPDgf turned it into an extremely dehumanizing experience for me.  I would never go back with her under any circumstances.

[Vatz]

Whew boy. I wouldn't. I mean, I would do it. But I'd rather just totally avoid any and all contact because I would toss it to her in a heartbeat like there's no tomorrow. Then I'd get emotionally attached and she'll just disappear again and I'll be all alone. Can't have that. So I *would* but I definitely *shouldn't.*

I have kinks and she engaged in a bunch of them with me. Unfortunately, we didn't have sex as often as I'd have liked. By the time she started initiating, I had just given up on even bothering to approach (except once in a blue moon.) She had a balls to ask me what was wrong with my sex drive when she was showing me a bunch of corsets she wanted and I didn't appear interested. I wasn't passive aggressive about it though, I don't think so at least. I was suffering with depression and I told her that I was really depressed, so sex wasn't much on my mind and that I'm sure she'd look wonderful in them. When she approached me, I'd be all about it. But I didn't really feel as close afterwards. Maybe a lot of the stuff towards the end was my fault after all.

But, like I said before... .holy crap would I feel ashamed at myself, and I know damn sure that I'd be left heartbroken. Very heartbroken. My thing is, avoid the possibility all together. Stay NC.

[Conundrum]

If you accept that she has an axis II cluster b personality disorder, then whether you have sex with her is entirely irrelevant. The question is whether you accept her individuality as a disordered person, not whether you can or should sleep w her.

[BuildingFromScratch]

Personally, I'd rather sleep with Adolf Hitler. And I'm a straight guy. But that's just me.

[Infared]

That's always a bad idea, even BPD or no BPD.

One of you will most certainly start to want more,

Also, you could potentially be limiting yourself,

slamming the door shut to other opportunities... .

Its tempting. but bite down hard, and resist!

"But bite down hard" Was that a Freudian slip?

(Sorry, I couldn't resist  )

On topic: No. It's just a bad idea on so many levels, IMHO.