what were YOU accused of?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Here Goes:

"You don't REALLY have any confidence"

"You never do any work and are lazy"

"You always hold me back"

"You've never dated anyone attractive"

"You ALWAYS talk about your exes"

"You don't need me enough"

"Your friends LIVE in your house"

"You don't deserve to be part of your family"

"You're arrogant"

[Pieter2]

Here Goes:

"You don't REALLY have any confidence"

"You never do any work and are lazy"

"You always hold me back"

"You've never dated anyone attractive"

"You ALWAYS talk about your exes"

"You don't need me enough"

"Your friends LIVE in your house"

"You don't deserve to be part of your family"

"You're arrogant"

[enlighten me]

Here's the thing... .The intent behind it. It was a cosidered action on his part - was it not? An action undertaken in order to convince me I snored in order to alleviate his guilt? One big head ___ basically.

I don't know whether it was to convince you that you snored or not but personally I would say it was a childlike attempt at revenge. You had upset him and he wanted to get back at you for it. He knew you got annoyed with the snoring so he did it on purpose thinking that you would get annoyed but not catch him as you would think he was sleeping.

Ive had my exs do things for petty revenge that they didn't think they would get caught for.

My ex wife used to urinate in my bath but for some reason confessed this to me.

Its the emotional immaturity that drives them to do these things.

[Witchway]

Here's the thing... .The intent behind it. It was a cosidered action on his part - was it not? An action undertaken in order to convince me I snored in order to alleviate his guilt? One big head ___ basically.

I don't know whether it was to convince you that you snored or not but personally I would say it was a childlike attempt at revenge. You had upset him and he wanted to get back at you for it. He knew you got annoyed with the snoring so he did it on purpose thinking that you would get annoyed but not catch him as you would think he was sleeping.

Ive had my exs do things for petty revenge that they didn't think they would get caught for.

My ex wife used to urinate in my bath but for some reason confessed this to me.

Its the emotional immaturity that drives them to do these things.

I'm pretty sure it was to convince me I was snoring. He sulked about it afterwards (waif / hermit tpye - no rages as such) and went on to inform me that it was in fact me who snored, and he'd never told me previously as he didn't want to hurt my feelings.    So what he did just seems so much more calculated and manipulatitive, as opposed to impulsive.

I understand the emotional immaturity of it, but I still think about culpability and the need to be responsible for managing our own actions, disordered or not.

As for the bath... .They never cease to amaze me ! As is said so often on here 'we couldn't make it up'. 

[Forestaken]

I was accused of her infertility even though my sperm checked out perfect. The justification for her to rage and blame me on the matter, I forced her to work

and the award for the most ridiculous accusation ever has to go to this guy   

Sorry, It's a tie - bc my Xw accused me of that too.

Plus:

Having an extramartial affair with my kids' martial arts instructor (he's married with 3 kids)

Having an extramartial affair with my son's underage girlfriends

Giving away her clothing to "my lover"

Having another completely separate family (with a dog!-found dog hair on my overcoat)

Cooking everyday for the kids to win their favor over her (she stayed home).

Oh yea,

After she beat me, the bruises were caused by BDSM sex with "my lover"

[Wastedyears25]

Projection yes. And there's quite a few examples.

Mine snored quite badly so I would nudge him to change position. This was met with anger and blame. I was the one with the problem - his snoring should not bother me and I was in fact keeping him awake by trying to move him. Why should HE lose sleep as it was MY problem !

Wow! I was told the same thing almost verbatim.

[SpringInMyStep]

I was accused of all the things she actually did to ME, but only after I pointed out (in email) that I was tired of being manipulated and used. She replied with a rant about how I abused and controlled her, systematically distanced her from friends and family, pressured her into sex when she didn't want it. ALL of this was exactly what she did to me. Exactly. I cut off contact after that.

[hergestridge]

Actually my wife could accuse me of anything if she was under preassure, but it was almost impossible to take seriously. For instance, if I told her that she really should not be drinking while on her medication then she accused me of being controlling.

I knew very well that I was not controlling and that I did let her do whatever she wanted to do in her life and I would support her. The very few times I suggested that she would something differently or *not* do somehting (you can count the occasions on one hand!), she would freak out and tell me I was controlling.

Since I knew I was not I thought of that as defensive nonsense and never even thought of it as an accusation.

[goateeki]

This is a GREAT thread.  It makes me think maybe I am not crazy.  Here are some of the craziest:

"I was angry about it 18 years ago and I'm angry about it now. I have never believed a word of what you've said about it." What my wife describes is an event in which a mutual acquaintance (female) hitched a ride with me to and from the neighborhood where I maintained my office, so she (the woman who carpooled with me) could attend a job interview.  When my wife called me in the car that evening, she asked "Who are you with?" I told her, and stated that our acquaintance was hitching a ride back with me from her job interview. My wife demanded that I hand the phone to our acquaintance. I did. My wife screamed "Stay away from my husband!"  Needless to say, the young woman broke down in tears and cried for 15 minutes.  Can you imagine being angry for 18 years? To this day, my wife will not take responsibility for this event, and it is just one for which I am endlessly accused of infidelity. I have never even come close to infidelity.

Last November, out for dinner at a fancy restaurant for my birthday.  We are talking.  I mention a telephone conversation with my former law partner -- someone who is my good friend but with whom I have not worked in 13 years.  She throws down her silverware, throws her napkin on the table, and nearly shouts "You were talking with Kevin? I hate that you do that? I hate that about you! Why didn't you tell me?"  It was at this moment that I finally began to realize that there is something deeply wrong with her.

":)on't you have any pride?" This might be the most far out thing that she has ever said, when you understand the context.  I discovered that whilst in the midst of marriage counseling, she made an appointment with a divorce lawyer.  I asked her how she did not view this as an action that conflicts with the goals of marriage counseling, and she went berserk. She never answered the question, of course, but attacked me for not taking better care of our gold course like lawn, and cited as the basis for her criticism a few weeds that has sprouted in the wake of heavy rain two days before.  She accused me of "giving up on the house" while ten days before I had replaced the roof, and every door in the house and its hardware.

To me, these things really are a view into her mind.  It's why (it seems to me) there cannot be a marriage.  I feel like Rochester in Jane Eyre.  It's just a matter of time before this is brought to a conclusion, whether it be divorce or her setting fire to the house.  

 

[willtimeheal]

I brought a coworker a soda from McDonald's. Apparently that meant I had sex with them. Who knew?

[Forestaken]

I brought a coworker a soda from McDonald's. Apparently that meant I had sex with them. Who knew?

WOW - What would it mean if you purchased a Happy Meal? 

[Rise]

I brought a coworker a soda from McDonald's. Apparently that meant I had sex with them. Who knew?

WOW - What would it mean if you purchased a Happy Meal? 

A marriage proposal?

[RisingSun]

This is such a fun thread. I want to share another one

My stbxw has cost me a few friendships over the years. I'm hyper vigilant when it comes to her saying crazy off the wall stuff to others I value

to have in my life.

One evening, at a party, she walked up to one of my closest friends and accused him of being sexist. I didn't happen to be there at the time to hear this.

She came home and told me what she said. She was proud of the fact she spoke up for herself. My friend needed to hear how she felt about him!

This friend she called a sexist is no where close to being a sexist. He's a kind, big hearted person, I've never heard him say a derogatory word to or about a woman.

By no means was he deserving of a verbal assault.

I responded calmly when she so proudly told me of her verbal digression. I told her this friend meant a lot to me and that I hoped she didn't ruin our friendship.

She then accused me of being a sexist and "how dare I not protect her from the likes of this sexist creep" aka my best friend.

This argument went on for awhile. Always ending up back to me looking like the sexist creep protecting his best friend, the other sexist creep.

She never would go into detail of how we deserved being called sexists.

It ended up all about me not supporting her view and being accused of not protecting her from, you know, sexist creeps (like myself, mind you).

A few days had passed and I told her I spoke with my friend about the sexist comment. Told her I wanted to make sure things were ok between my friend and I.

Holy narc fit! I committed a double betrayal. Her perspective, I should have told my friend that he should apologize to her, because he's a sexist. Again, I wasn't

being supportive. Because if she says a man is a sexist, they're sexist. If you disagree with her view, you're accused of being sexist.

 

   

[whirlpoollife]

I wasn't going to post but have to. Vice versa,  I had the infertility problems,  h's sperm was fine.  When I didn't get pregnant , it was because I didn't do it all correctly for him. (I won't get into details)

The only reason he went to work is because I made him.

I wasn't just talking gardening with our neighbor, I was "getting a little something" ( neighbor was 87)

That I enjoyed my yearly GYN exams.

[Tolou]

Lets see... .

After writing her a letter from the bottom of my heart,

"My therapist said your socio-path"

"Your insecure and like to hurt woman"

"If you never loved me, why did you kiss me"

"You like to hurt people, because your sick"

"If you knew I was molested, why did you even touch me"

"I am anthiest now"

"If there was a God you would talk to me and be my friend"

"Your a womanizer"

"You hate your mother"

"You used me"

I don't know how I could have been anymore patient or supportive with her needs? I am far from those things, but to hear someone you cared for and tried so much to help and get through to say those things, very hurtful:   Luckily she will find someone who will:

[grassfedk]

This thread is cathartic.  Here goes:

"You've been a terrible father."

"You are completely selfish and live like a bachelor."

"You made the first 14 years of our marriage terrible when we lived in _____."

"You fooled me by telling me you were a Romantic."

"I never loved you."

"You want to leave me because you're gay."

"You always only think about yourself."

And on and on... .

Everyone else in my life has always seemed to like and respect me, but I began to believe that these terrible things must be true.  What a relief to find this site.

[buterfly]

Off the top of my head... .

Being selfish

Financially abusing him

Not showing enough love/emotion

Having a f--- up childhood

Aborting our child (completely mutual decision when we were young)

Sleeping with my therapist

Running away all of the time/running from my problems

Being afraid of confrontation.

Having a drinking problem (my favorite therapy scapegoat)

Being a horrible girlfriend, a horrible wife, and being a future horrible mother

Spending to much time at work, being an overachiever

Leaving him "all alone," anytime I did anything without him

Falling asleep to early

Never planning anything for us to do

Over planning

Not cooking

Over cooking, then doing things just to make him happy

Spending too much on groceries and dog food

Talking sh-- about him in my journal, well technically I did this but it was true sh--

Getting fat like my sister

Having too many health problems

Screwing up all the time

Not enjoying sex

Withholding sex

Being boring in bed

Making him over eat

Being lazy

Only thinking about myself

Not listening

Controlling

Being grumpy

Being too quiet around his family

Talking too much around his family

I love this... .So releasing... .But I could be here all day... .Thanks... .

[buterfly]

How could I forget my three favorites... .

You don't love me

You are a feminist man hater with daddy issues

You think you are perfect (you expect me to be perfect)

O.k. Now I think I'm done

[MommaBear]

Off the top of my head... .

Being selfish

Financially abusing him

Not showing enough love/emotion

Having a f--- up childhood

Aborting our child (completely mutual decision when we were young)

Sleeping with my therapist

Running away all of the time/running from my problems

Being afraid of confrontation.

Having a drinking problem (my favorite therapy scapegoat)

Being a horrible girlfriend, a horrible wife, and being a future horrible mother

Spending to much time at work, being an overachiever

Leaving him "all alone," anytime I did anything without him

Falling asleep to early

Never planning anything for us to do

Over planning

Not cooking

Over cooking, then doing things just to make him happy

Spending too much on groceries and dog food

Talking sh-- about him in my journal, well technically I did this but it was true sh--

Getting fat like my sister

Having too many health problems

Screwing up all the time

Not enjoying sex

Withholding sex

Being boring in bed

Making him over eat

Being lazy

Only thinking about myself

Not listening

Controlling

Being grumpy

Being too quiet around his family

Talking too much around his family

I love this... .So releasing... .But I could be here all day... .Thanks... .

Did we marry the same guy? I'd say I've been accused of about 90% of these!

I'm going to add a few gems:

Never cook anything good.

Don't comfort him when a zombie movie scared him.

Don't want sex after working 15 hours.

Too intellectual.

Not smart enough.

Too emotional.

Too sensitive.

Too cold.

Too emotionless.

Wasn't "into" sex.

Too horny.

Think too much.

Know too much.

Doesn't "get it".

Don't have enough friends.

Too social.

Cheated.

Too cold and distant around men.

Building my career too fast.

Don't earn enough money.

Dress too sexy.

Don't dress up enough.

You get the idea.

[Forestaken]

I wasn't going to post but have to. Vice versa,  I had the infertility problems,  h's sperm was fine.  When I didn't get pregnant , it was because I didn't do it all correctly for him. (I won't get into details)

You could've bought "Karma Sutra" from Amazon but then he would've accused you of skipping certain pages.

[MommaBear]

How could I forget my three favorites... .

You don't love me

You are a feminist man hater with daddy issues

You think you are perfect (you expect me to be perfect)

O.k. Now I think I'm done

WOW we DID marry the same man!

[Rise]

Don't comfort him when a zombie movie scared him.

After having read all the stuff that people on here have been accused of, why is this the one that just makes me lose it?

[Mutt]

The thread has reached it's post limit and is now closed. It's a worthwhile topic and you are welcome with opening a new thread. Thank you.