How long did it take for them to detach?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I ended the relationship and went LC with my uBPDexB almost 6 months ago.  We were together a total of 8 years and have a 3 year old son together, so going NC is not an option.  He has refused to move on and continues to try and contact me daily to get me to come back.  I have firm boundaries in place and communicate only via email several times per week.  I only respond to issues that directly involve our child and do not engage in any other conversation.  I am wondering how long it took your ex to disengage or find another attachment after leaving the relationship? 

[razemarie]

I ended the relationship and went LC with my uBPDexB almost 6 months ago.  We were together a total of 8 years and have a 3 year old son together, so going NC is not an option.  He has refused to move on and continues to try and contact me daily to get me to come back.  I have firm boundaries in place and communicate only via email several times per week.  I only respond to issues that directly involve our child and do not engage in any other conversation.  I am wondering how long it took your ex to disengage or find another attachment after leaving the relationship? 

[Pingo]

I found out about a month after he moved out (2 months after I told him I wanted to end our marriage) that he was already with another woman.  As my ex sister-in-law put it (the one who told me), he says "he's always smiling now because he's so happy"!  No contact from him since (over a month now).

[Popcorn71]

My ex detached before he told me we were finished. He made sure he had a replacement first.

[hergestridge]

My wife wanted to be "friends" to begin with (we have a 4yo daughter) but I have refused that and only communicate with her on a minimum level. Only thing related to our daughter.

I think she is annoyed at this and perhaps she expects it to be a passing phase (we broke up three months ago), but she accepts it and does not contact me.

Sometimes she calls me but I don't answer. If it's important she will text me.

I don't know if she has a new partner and I frankly don't care.

I know that if I had been the least bit chatty with her, there would be huge boundary issues and she would be all over my life and I would find myself involved in her life against my own will in no time.

To answer your question: She detached almost immediately. It's a complete on/off type situation. It's not a gradual thing.

I found that when I cut contact altogether things work out very quickly.

[fromheeltoheal]

I was with my ex twice, 25 years apart, with periodic communication attempts over the years, and she never let go of the attachment.  I didn't know what was up with that until I got here and learned, but with attachments being life or death for a borderline and fear of abandonment being the core of the disorder, borderlines never let go of them, they just stay in a perpetual 'pull' mode of the borderline push/pull dance.  And of course if there's another attachment, considered a replacement under some circumstances, the rules are the same, and as we know, getting too close will trigger the 'push' side of the dance, but the newbie also serves as a distraction, a possible soother, for the abandonment they feel with us.  It's a flow-through system.

[intoashell]

Hi razemarie,  sorry that things are still the same from his end but great to hear your keeping your boundaries for you and your son. My experience has improved, what I have found is at 10 months post breakup he seems to have found another source to attach to (whoever it is) he has not informed me but his behaviour speaks volumes.  The LC that we had just wasn't enough, however detachment is not something I think he is genuinely capable of and so still keeps mental strings to all ex's and LC where possible. Which means for me I have to work on being detached myself whilst having LC.

[MommaBear]

Took mine about a year to detach, but when they do, oh BOY do they detach!

He's got a replacement, so now I'm painted black and in the "ex-wife-she-devil" phase.

Sometimes I miss the days when he was still optimistic. At least he treated me with a shred of respect, even if it was for his own selfish motives and not the result of any genuine sense of empathy or gratitude on his end.

[Mutt]

My ex was clearly attached to her first boyfriend. She had a child with him and he was split black the entirety of our r/s. She really devalued him. Unfortunately he didn't understand BPD and kept engaging. An adverse effect was that he was inadvertently giving her attention with negative attention. They were together 15 years ago.

The second relationship partner she spoke about him but didn't denigrate or devalue him but I can't say she spoke highly of him either. She recounted stories and memories. She spoke negatively about his father. Both passed away in a car accident 3 years ago and she felt sad.

The ex before me, she had split black and devalued him. Out of all of her ex partners she undervalued him quite severely.  

2 were split black in the 8 years I knew her and one not so much. She didn't have children with the 2nd or 3rd boyfriends. I don't know their side of the story. I had believed everything she had told me and had sympathy for her. Stories of physical, emotional abuse, alcohol and drug abuse of the partners split black. You can throw me in that pile

She's still attached to me, I'm still split black and her current bf keeps her busy. It makes it less chaotic for me. She had attached herself to him after I unknowingly triggered her fear of abandonment by saying "I want a divorce" She had threatened me countless times with divorce. She asked if I meant it and I responded "yes".

I'm sorry to hear it's difficult razemarie. Keep at it with LC respond what needs responding to and disregard the rest. It takes effort but in time it becomes easier. If i get an email That keeps me engaged I dont take it personally. I have become indifferent and I feel l have control of my life back. Certainly different than when I was enmeshed.

Hang in there.

- Mutt