I feel like she killed "the nice guy" in me

[Infern0]

Anyone else feel this.

I'm so jaded,  cynical, angry.

I'm sick of people's problems, I want to just live for me and if people want to be around me then fine, if not I no longer give a damn.

I honestly do feel different. It's hard to explain it, but yeah that nice kind guy who would give his last dollar to a friend in need... .I don't think he's ever coming back? I've never felt like this... .I kind of like it

[Alex86]

I definitely relate to that. I have read so much about the "nice guy". And this I believe has been exploited by not only by my BPDexgf  but also from other girls.

Moreover, I have become more sensitive to criticism and bad reactions of people. If I feel any of these I don't spend time anymore to argue or try to understand.

In addition to those feelings I feel tired to compromise again for anything.  

If someone wants to be with me then fine. Otherwise let's split up and move on.

[TheBPDSurvivor]

I can so much relate to what you feel infern0.

I believe we all grown up as "the nice guy" because of our FOO issues. I've been USED by so many friends and neighbors and I always wondered why are people so cruel and using me but unfortunately, the world is so messed up. Our BPDexgf simply max it out with all the clingy behaviours and idealization and suck all the kindness within us.

I take it as a life lesson. Thanks to this crazy experience so now I know what boundaries are and when to lift my guard up.

[Pieter2]

Hi there

I identify with it, but in a positive way. I still want to be nice, but now I am not taken advantage of anymore. I would always try and please everyone and help everyone out. Now, I will still do it, but if you take advantage I cut you off. Are you angry about it? TOUGH. I feel it's much better. I also now think twice before helping others as I can see how it lead me into a bad space.

[camuse]

Hi there

I identify with it, but in a positive way. I still want to be nice, but now I am not taken advantage of anymore. I would always try and please everyone and help everyone out. Now, I will still do it, but if you take advantage I cut you off. Are you angry about it? TOUGH. I feel it's much better. I also now think twice before helping others as I can see how it lead me into a bad space.

This is definitely the correct thinking. We should all treat others with kindness and compassion, but we should look after ourselves best of all and expect to be treated the same way as we do others.

I think one of the reasons my r/s lasted 2 years was in fact that I was reasonably good at sticking up for myself. But eventually she broke me down and it was over.

She actually said it often. "You always look after yourself so well." But she said it with a very sad face. She wanted me to look after her 100% and sacrifice myself totally.

[Recooperating]

I soo wanna get back to the way I was before the r/s with my exBPD! BUT... .With a better guard for my boundaries... .I can only help people when I am ok myself. I think I had good values and good boundaries before... .I just never hung out with people that violated them as insanely as my ex did! I never had to protect them like this before... .

I am so tired of feeling the way I do... .Angry, sad, confused, dark, tired, over-analysing, hurt etc. I wanna be my old self, nice, kind, funny, full of energy, understanding... .I wanna feel good and happy. I wanna be able to dance freely, enjoy every moment and genuinly laugh till I cry, care for people like I always did, with a healthy sense of till what extend I can help.

I want the dark clouds out of my head... .I do wanna be nice... .But this time around it starts with being nice to me first!

[Caramel]

Yes, I can relate and I am very happy about it.

I have learnt that there is a difference between kindness and weakness, and that's the biggest lesson I took from this experience. I now have boundaries and I don't let people define my worth, abuse me or take advantage of me. I am now my first priority in life and am learning to love me and take care of me. My relationship with other people is more genuine now and I am a much healthier happier person. 

[Infared]

Hi there

I identify with it, but in a positive way. I still want to be nice, but now I am not taken advantage of anymore. I would always try and please everyone and help everyone out. Now, I will still do it, but if you take advantage I cut you off. Are you angry about it? TOUGH. I feel it's much better. I also now think twice before helping others as I can see how it lead me into a bad space.

I really identify with this. I did not try to please everyone, but definitely my pwBPD, although I really will never trust a woman in a relationship again... .I had to let that go.


I love what survivor said, too:

"Our BPDexgf simply max it out with all the clingy behaviours and idealization and suck all the kindness within us."  He forgot to add that they then blame everything that went wrong on us as well, when they are done sucking the life out of us.

[Popcorn71]

I am definately no longer the nice trusting person I used to be.

I don't trust anyone as far as I could throw them now and probably never will.  I assume that everyone has a hidden agenda and is out for what they can get.

Maybe I am wrong to think that way but experience has taught me that trusting people gets you treated like s**t.

I am now living my life exactly as I want to and I will no longer consider how it affects anyone else except my kids.  If people don't like it then they can get lost.  I have learned that I don't need anyone except my close family and at the end of the day, they are the only ones that have been there for me anyway.

It's terrible that I can't be the caring, loving, trusting woman I once was, but what's the point?  I might as well just 'take' from life like everyone else seems to do.

[BuildingFromScratch]

I was a nice guy before her, but I was the overly nice guy. Which tells me that much of it was born of my own lack of self esteem and my own vulnerable narcissism. I don't want that back, I want to love myself enough to only give out of the kindness of my heart. And the wisdom to not compromise myself when people try to step on me. I do feel like I've lost my spirit and joy though, and that makes it hard to give anything to anyone.

[Infared]

I was a nice guy before her, but I was the overly nice guy. Which tells me that much of it was born of my own lack of self esteem and my own vulnerable narcissism. I don't want that back, I want to love myself enough to only give out of the kindness of my heart. And the wisdom to not compromise myself when people try to step on me. I do feel like I've lost my spirit and joy though, and that makes it hard to give anything to anyone.

+100

[Visitor]

Hi there

I identify with it, but in a positive way. I still want to be nice, but now I am not taken advantage of anymore. I would always try and please everyone and help everyone out. Now, I will still do it, but if you take advantage I cut you off. Are you angry about it? TOUGH. I feel it's much better. I also now think twice before helping others as I can see how it lead me into a bad space.

Excellent post Pieter2

I'm always impressed when I see somebody taking responsibility for himself. You have learned from the experience and have woken up to people taking advantage of you.

[Infared]

Hi there

I identify with it, but in a positive way. I still want to be nice, but now I am not taken advantage of anymore. I would always try and please everyone and help everyone out. Now, I will still do it, but if you take advantage I cut you off. Are you angry about it? TOUGH. I feel it's much better. I also now think twice before helping others as I can see how it lead me into a bad space.

I LOVE this:

":)o not mistake my kindness as weakness!"

[LettingGo14]

When I found this community, I felt like a strung-out addict shivering in a corner.  It was 4 months after abandonment, and I wondered if I'd ever "get back" to normal.

We experience trauma.   I have no doubts about it.  And, trauma leaves an imprint.   But, as evidenced by our community here, we each seek to work with what we have.

There are two Pema Chodron quotes which nave guided me on this journey of healing.

First, "nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know."  

And, second, "Our true nature is like a precious jewel: although it may be temporarily buried in mud, it remains completely brilliant and unaffected. We simply have to uncover it."

It took a while for me to stop ruminating over questions about what was "lost" and what was "damaged" and what was "changed"  [those are all valid considerations].   I did not "forgive and forget" my ex-girlfriend -- in some ways, it was much simpler (in retrospect) -- I "let go" and just sat with what I was feeling without judging it (or trying to "fix" me).

I learned that my own mind and heart generated so much of my own suffering.  There are 7 billion people in the world -- why did I give so much power to one?  And, why was I taking my suffering so personally -- after all, so many of us suffer... .

The fact that we are here together -- trying to heal and help each other -- is a sign that we remain caring and able to empathize.  Yet, it's so much easier to empathize with others than to put a hand on our own hearts and say, "it's going to be okay... .I care about your suffering."

My experience did change me.  I ended up letting go of much more than my ex-girlfriend.   I also let go of the thinking that I was damaged somehow.   I let myself become more human than I ever let myself be in the past.   Instead of "fixing" anything, I just sat with it, and I found something more core within me than I ever knew existed.

[thereishope]

I soo wanna get back to the way I was before the r/s with my exBPD! BUT... .With a better guard for my boundaries... .I can only help people when I am ok myself. I think I had good values and good boundaries before... .I just never hung out with people that violated them as insanely as my ex did! I never had to protect them like this before... .

I am so tired of feeling the way I do... .Angry, sad, confused, dark, tired, over-analysing, hurt etc. I wanna be my old self, nice, kind, funny, full of energy, understanding... .I wanna feel good and happy. I wanna be able to dance freely, enjoy every moment and genuinly laugh till I cry, care for people like I always did, with a healthy sense of till what extend I can help.

I want the dark clouds out of my head... .I do wanna be nice... .But this time around it starts with being nice to me first!

DITTO!

[thereishope]

When I found this community, I felt like a strung-out addict shivering in a corner.  It was 4 months after abandonment, and I wondered if I'd ever "get back" to normal.

We experience trauma.   I have no doubts about it.  And, trauma leaves an imprint.   But, as evidenced by our community here, we each seek to work with what we have.

There are two Pema Chodron quotes which nave guided me on this journey of healing.

First, "nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know."  

And, second, "Our true nature is like a precious jewel: although it may be temporarily buried in mud, it remains completely brilliant and unaffected. We simply have to uncover it."

It took a while for me to stop ruminating over questions about what was "lost" and what was "damaged" and what was "changed"  [those are all valid considerations].   I did not "forgive and forget" my ex-girlfriend -- in some ways, it was much simpler (in retrospect) -- I "let go" and just sat with what I was feeling without judging it (or trying to "fix" me).

I learned that my own mind and heart generated so much of my own suffering.  There are 7 billion people in the world -- why did I give so much power to one?  And, why was I taking my suffering so personally -- after all, so many of us suffer... .

The fact that we are here together -- trying to heal and help each other -- is a sign that we remain caring and able to empathize.  Yet, it's so much easier to empathize with others than to put a hand on our own hearts and say, "it's going to be okay... .I care about your suffering."

My experience did change me.  I ended up letting go of much more than my ex-girlfriend.   I also let go of the thinking that I was damaged somehow.   I let myself become more human than I ever let myself be in the past.   Instead of "fixing" anything, I just sat with it, and I found something more core within me than I ever knew existed.

I like very much how you expressed all this, LettingGo14!  Thank you for sharing it.  I know I definitely have already become much more AUTHENTIC and REAL through my experience with uBPDh... .and I trust I have much more to grow through... .Ultimately toward becoming a stronger and more effective person overall... .Thankful to be thinking about an actual benefit of BPD... .

[levelup]

One challenge I have, is that I fear, in trying to become an assertive good guy, instead of a people - pleasing nice guy, is that I might overshoot my goal and become a bully.

I was bullied a lot in my adolescence, and I'm always afraid of becoming that which hurt me the most.  Through that fear, I put myself in a box that's way smaller than it needs to be.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Anyone else feel this.

I'm so jaded,  cynical, angry.

I'm sick of people's problems, I want to just live for me and if people want to be around me then fine, if not I no longer give a damn.

I honestly do feel different. It's hard to explain it, but yeah that nice kind guy who would give his last dollar to a friend in need... .I don't think he's ever coming back? I've never felt like this... .I kind of like it

I can so also relate to that as well. I got burned so bad that I don't care anymore ( I don't know if that is good or bad). In fact I met a girl about a month ago, she was starting to tell me about her roommates issues and crap. I told her that I don't want to hear any of that and told her that I was too busy to date. I basically dumped her. To be honest here, I have never dumped a girl in my life ( I am 42). I just don't want to be in the same situation and besides it is too early to be in another relationship. I still think everyday about my ex and all the stuff I went thru with her. I am focusing on myself and hanging out with friends and travel and that's it.

[elessar]

I learned that my own mind and heart generated so much of my own suffering.  There are 7 billion people in the world -- why did I give so much power to one?  And, why was I taking my suffering so personally -- after all, so many of us suffer... .

Thoughts like this going in my head has what calmed me down from the pain. I was a nice guy. I am a nice guy. But I am not the "nice guy" who felt entitled to a girl I liked but who "friendzoned" me. It happened a couple of times in teenage years and once I was fine, second time I did feel entitled a little because I felt that girl strung me along for a while.

As far as being nice is considered, I thought of being bad. Because hey, its the devil may care bad boys who always get everything. To many of us guys, we know its not authentic. But to many girls, that comes across as confident attitude. So I thought I am going to be that. But when I calmed down I realized, if I change myself... .then she wins. People have loved me because I am nice. I don't need 10 girlfriends to feel my value. I dont need any girlfriend to feel my worth. Why should I let down others who haven't hurt me, why should I let myself down because of this one person, when there are 7 billion people on this planet.

Second thing that helped me stay "nice" was - it is true that girls like bad boys. its a sociological thing. not all do, but it is too common to try denying it. As the nice guy with a lot of female friends, I have seen girls complain and complain about their abusive bfs and exes. And whenever I suggested a nicer person, they would complain "but he is boring." And I realized, am I becoming like them where I want this abusive person who takes me on a roller coaster ride, and not give any attention or chance to a simple and nice girl? I feel nice people deserve more attention and deserve everything. Therefore, no more trying to keep my abusive ex in my life, nor trying to be anything but myself.

[workinprogress]

Okay guys, I have been told that I am a nice guy my whole life.  My whole life has pretty much sucked.

That being said, I began looking at the reasons I was a nice guy... .

Seeking approval

Afraid to anger others

Wanting to be loved

Wanting to take care of others because I was not capable of facing my own issues

My failed attempt at being perfect because I was not permitted to make mistakes as a child

Now, I see that most guys make a plan for their lives and follow it.  I had to find someone to share my life with and please them.  It is self-defeating.

So, look at the reasons you feel like you need to be nice.  I was programmed since childhood to deny my own needs.

To resolve this, I am really trying to formulate a plan for my life.  What do I really want?  I'm not sure, but I am working on it.

Also, I don't have a problem with telling people "no" now.

I don't have a problem making someone else angry.  I now tell myself that they will get over it.

The key is making a plan for your life, and not being nice and allowing others to side track you.  If someone truly loves you, they will support you, even when you are not so nice.

Your best bet is to be your own best friend for awhile.  Also, hanging out with other guys is a great way to learn to let go of being so nice.

Lastly, allow yourself to make mistakes.

[Notsurewhattothinkofthis]

Okay guys, I have been told that I am a nice guy my whole life.  My whole life has pretty much sucked.

That being said, I began looking at the reasons I was a nice guy... .

Seeking approval

Afraid to anger others

Wanting to be loved

Wanting to take care of others because I was not capable of facing my own issues

My failed attempt at being perfect because I was not permitted to make mistakes as a child

Now, I see that most guys make a plan for their lives and follow it.  I had to find someone to share my life with and please them.  It is self-defeating.

So, look at the reasons you feel like you need to be nice.  I was programmed since childhood to deny my own needs.

To resolve this, I am really trying to formulate a plan for my life.  What do I really want?  I'm not sure, but I am working on it.

Also, I don't have a problem with telling people "no" now.

I don't have a problem making someone else angry.  I now tell myself that they will get over it.

The key is making a plan for your life, and not being nice and allowing others to side track you.  If someone truly loves you, they will support you, even when you are not so nice.

Your best bet is to be your own best friend for awhile.  Also, hanging out with other guys is a great way to learn to let go of being so nice.

Lastly, allow yourself to make mistakes.

Well said,

Basically the points listed above is what I have been doing. In fact, I am going to copy and paste into notepad and comeback to it and keep reading it. So true... .

[nolisan]

Anyone else feel this.

I'm so jaded,  cynical, angry.

I'm sick of people's problems, I want to just live for me and if people want to be around me then fine, if not I no longer give a damn.

I honestly do feel different. It's hard to explain it, but yeah that nice kind guy who would give his last dollar to a friend in need... .I don't think he's ever coming back? I've never felt like this... .I kind of like it

Sounds like you have received a great gift - you have recognized and even befriended some of your "shadow" parts - parts of you that you had disowned. That's how we become whole. WTG

[Turkish]

I can relate to this. One woman "killed" that in me who used to write love poems. Another, The Listener, my uBPDx, The Rescuer (ok, maybe that needed to be killed, or at least maimed, because not all rescuer traits are bad as long as one has healthy boundaries).

The three most significant women in my life abandoned me in various ways due to their addictions or mental illnesses: addict and alcoholic birth mother when I was 1, BPD mom who adopted me when I was 2.4 (growing up with a BPD Hermit-Waif), and finally my Waif-Hermit uBPDx. Though I have these feelings like I can't discern those who want something from me as opposed to those who would just enjoy my company, my gut says this isn't right.

I had no choice with my two mothers. I was an innocent child. Despite the    from my BPD mom, with my Ex, I had a choice. I'm even more cognizant of it now; painfully so. Can I lose the dysfunctional parts of myself without losing Me? More importantly, can I make that choice myself without me letting my pain make that choice for me?

[MommaBear]

Hey infern0,

I know how you feel! And let me tell you, there are women out there who can't STAND crazy exgfs who turn otherwise "nice" guys into a-holes.

Don't be that guy.

I would, however, suggest asking yourself how nice is too nice. Is the problem really that you were a nice guy, or that you (like all of us) have trouble keeping and maintaining boundaries? This is my problem.

But it is tempting to be selfish at times. To just put on my best pair of heels, find some young, hulking specimen of manhood and have my way with him for a weekend, before forgetting his name and finding another one the next week.

Okay, so maybe you can't relate to everything I'm feeling

But the truth is, I don't want to stop being a caregiver. Yes, a lot of that stemmed from FOO issues, but the truth is, the world needs more compassion and care, not less. It also needs a healthy sense of give and take, and that's something I think all nons need to work on. I'm still navigating this new mindset, but I think somewhere in us, we push our boundaries because we feel this will do something for us in the end. Maybe we were taught that the only way to get validation was to "be nice" at an early age? I don't know.

These are just some random thoughts because I think your post made me reflect on a lot of the feelings I've been having, and the struggle between doing what's selfish because I need it, and doing it at the expense of others. It's a difficult thing to grasp, especially after leaving a relationship with a pwBPD.

[workinprogress]

Okay guys, I have been told that I am a nice guy my whole life.  My whole life has pretty much sucked.

That being said, I began looking at the reasons I was a nice guy... .

Seeking approval

Afraid to anger others

Wanting to be loved

Wanting to take care of others because I was not capable of facing my own issues

My failed attempt at being perfect because I was not permitted to make mistakes as a child

Now, I see that most guys make a plan for their lives and follow it.  I had to find someone to share my life with and please them.  It is self-defeating.

So, look at the reasons you feel like you need to be nice.  I was programmed since childhood to deny my own needs.

To resolve this, I am really trying to formulate a plan for my life.  What do I really want?  I'm not sure, but I am working on it.

Also, I don't have a problem with telling people "no" now.

I don't have a problem making someone else angry.  I now tell myself that they will get over it.

The key is making a plan for your life, and not being nice and allowing others to side track you.  If someone truly loves you, they will support you, even when you are not so nice.

Your best bet is to be your own best friend for awhile.  Also, hanging out with other guys is a great way to learn to let go of being so nice.

Lastly, allow yourself to make mistakes.

Well said,

Basically the points listed above is what I have been doing. In fact, I am going to copy and paste into notepad and comeback to it and keep reading it. So true... .

Thank you.  Trying to stop being a nice guy, yet not turn into a jerk, has been very tough.  As tough as when I decided to start jogging after 20 years.  I catch myself saying things that I think people want to hear, instead of how I truly feel.  It's odd how ingrained this is in my psyche.

It is quite the undertaking.

[drummerboy]

This is a great thread! It's bringing up the same thoughts in me. I seeing a T and working on inner child stuff and the message I'm getting is to get to your true self, which is usually a pretty good self, and to peel away all of the armour we put on throughout our lives to try and fit in. I do think that those of us who have fallen for, and having trouble getting over a BPDex have some wounded inner child stuff to sort out. In my case I was the youngest of 4 and by the time I came along my parents were probably a bit over the parenting thing and my much older brothers were off doing there own thing so I've been going around looking for that deep unconditional love that I probably didn't get as a kid. A BPD in the idealisation stage pours love and affection onto you and that's why I think I fell so deeply for her. Even as I sit here typing I'm thinking, I don't believe I've ever felt as connected to someone as I did with my BPDex. Through therapy I think I'll find a pretty nice guy but a guy that will be able to set boundaries because I don't "need" that over the top love but "want" a deeper more grounded love. A love that has much more reality to it, a kind of love that a BPD has no knowledge of.

[thereishope]

All of these posts are great!  I want to quote them all and respond to them all... .

I guess I'll just try to share what I've gleaned from this topic... .  I fall into this same category... .major people pleaser while stuffing my SELF down underneath whoever I thought I had to be... .  Today, at 43, I find myself seriously desperately longing for TRUTH and AUTHENTICITY in my most inward parts.  I want to peel away all the layers of dust these 43 years have showered upon me (by the externals of life itself, as well as internally by the decisions I myself have made), and get to the core of WHO I REALLY AM.

I, too, believe it is a wonderful thing to "be a nice person", to have love, mercy, compassion and encouragement for those around me.  I agree that the world needs MUCH MORE of this, vs. the self-focused mindset blasted everywhere, through the media, etc... .  We humans need each other, and I want to truly "be there" for people in need.  In contrast, boundaries have definitely been my weak suit... .I've even said about myself, "I'm not good at the hard things... ."... .  I never really learned how to stand firmly on my own two feet (thanks for the input OOE!  ), having healthy boundaries around myself so I could be a healthy enough person to give to others in a healthy manner.  I, instead, became swallowed up in people and circumstances.  Time for a change!  Thank God for this experience with a BPD SO because without it, I would not have realized what an alternate reality I have actually been living!  Much hard work ahead, but I am looking forward to getting stronger as a person, and being a healthy blessing to others!

I also want to say that I believe you are ALL doing excellent, excruciating work here, and I, for one, am very thankful for all of you who are selflessly voicing your journeys here for us all to glean from... .!  Blessings!  <><

[Tibbles]

This has all really got me thinking. I too am was/am a people pleaser. Being empathetic and listening and reflecting was really valued in my family as a child and I think I got so caught up in that role I didn't learn how to be me rather than some one who is there for everyone else. Worked well for my exBPD, I was there to listen to his every emotion, to absorb his pain to support him no matter what and it worked for me too, that was the role I was used too. His rages and anger took me totally by surprise, not something I had any experience with or knew how to handle. Could not believe it when they started and had no defence against it. By the end I was so full of pain and frustration and anxiety I had even forgotten how to be kind. I feel I became a manipulative b___ ( something he accused me of and maybe bits of it were true) All of my good points had gone as I just gave up on living. Now I am out I am really enjoying learning to feel peace again, and I feel good about caring about others again. The nice me is coming back again and this time she has personality and is developing boundaries and is learning to put myself first. It feels weird but good.

[Visitor]

Could the traits a lot of you have been recognizing in yourselves be traits of narcissistic personality? (people pleasing, passive aggression etc)

I must admit I am certainly reading up on some material that is sending a slight shiver down my spine:

Are we allowed to post links to external articles?

Let me know what you think of this article. I'm also researching the effects our upbringing has on our interpersonal relationships. Its fascinating reading.

Can we really say we can CHANGE our core being  

[elessar]

We aren't allowed to post links from professional therapists' websites. Yesterday I had posted an article from that same site! Haha. Its a great site but unfortunately we can't. But I guess we can use the information we learn from there and share it here.