Euthanasia

[Hutsepotmetworst]

My uxBPDgf contacted me yesterday (textmessage) to tell me she's starting the procedure to get euthanasia.

She lives in terrible psych. pain and she wants out of this life... .

She wants me to help her on this last journey.

After that she went to her doctor and started the procedure, she has to be examined by two doctors to see if she's indeed living in constant pain and that her claim to die is justified.

I really don't know what to do with this. I don't want her to die.

I want her to get a proper diagnosis and a specialised treatment to see if that helps her live a more stable life... .

But she's determined to die... .

[Ihope2]

This is a terrible situation to be put in and it sounds like a huge imposition.  It raises many questions.

Is assisted suicide permitted in your country?

Why does she contact you with this request?

Is she terminally ill and in severe physical pain?

Or does she just want release from her emotional/psychic pain?

Why does she announce that she is "starting the procedure" of euthanasia?

Is she trying to obtain maximum reaction/empathy/concern/distress/attention from you?

I apologise if I sound cold and factual, but I have had a recent very traumatic experience involving my exBPDh announcing to me the intent of killing himself (when he had moved out of the house and I had no idea where he was  living). Then keeping me guessing as to on which date he was going to attempt this (it was leading up to our first wedding anniversary date).  Then some days later emailling me to tell me all about his most recent overdose attempt and that it did not work.

So at this stage, I am quite jaded about BPD suicidal ideation/intent and how the Signficant Other/s are sucked into this manipulative dynamic.

If all else fails, and a person feels no more reason to keep living, who are we to keep on getting sucked in to trying to convince them otherwise. 

I would say, let her carry on consulting with the doctors.  They are the expert professionals and are also bound by ethical codes of practice for this type of intense situation.  Walk away from her with loving kindness in your heart.  Her life is NOT on your hands.

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Ihope,

that must have been a nightmare for you ! 

To reply on your questions :

Is assisted suicide permitted in your country?

yes there's a legal procedure for this, there's where the doctors come in.

Why does she contact you with this request?

Maybe because I'm the last one who was close to her ?

Trying to figure this out myself.

Is she terminally ill and in severe physical pain?

No she's not.

Or does she just want release from her emotional/psychic pain?

Yes that's it

Why does she announce that she is "starting the procedure" of euthanasia?

Is she trying to obtain maximum reaction/empathy/concern/distress/attention from you?

She wants me to support her.

Don't know what the underlying reason is... .

She's really serious about this, she told her kids about her plan, told her xhusband, her colleagues. So I don't believe it's an attempt to get me back.

[birdlady]

I know it sounds cold, but detachment from the drama is not coldness, it is detachment.  You can't control her, or her decision to pursue this.  Leave it to her physicians.  It is not your responsibility.  You don't get a say, it's her decision.  If she's doing it for your attention it's working.  Detach and let her problems be her problems.  You can tell her that it is a sad thing but that you respect her decision and will not interfere between her and her doctors.  It is sad the lengths some go to, but since she is going a medically supervised route, it is the physicians who are responsible now for her mental illness, not you.

[tired-of-it-all]

It is horribly selfish of her to lay this on you.  This is basically a complicated threat of suicide.  You have not obligation to participate in this.  This is her decision and, for your own sake, you need to stay out of it.  You will get so sucked into this emotional pit that it will be noting but pain for the duration of the whole legal process. 

And when the end is near, I wouldn't be surprised if she changes her mind.  I met a T once who said that the only way the BPD's commit suicide is if they trip over something while dialing 911.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear about the news with your ex Hutsepotmetworst. It must be frightening and scary for you   You care for her - it causes you great anxiety and stress. You can control your actions. I'm saddened to hear that she feels like she is in so much pain. If she threatens suicide call 911 before her appointment.

She controls her actions and her decisions. Please try to center yourself with mindfulness. Do not feel guilt for her choice.

How are you holding up?

[Hutsepotmetworst]

Did not hear from her since 2,5 days. I expect a text from her soon to tell me how I disappoint her... .(by not asking her how she is).

I feel a certain responsibility for her kids (son of 18, daughter of 15), they will be the biggest victims of her decision.

I feel pressured to reach out to them, although they may not even want that.

I'm just not sure of what this all means for her, what she's trying to do, I'm so confused... .

If I reach out to her, I know she will see that as if I want to come back to her, but to me it's just a friendly gesture, I do care for her, very much... .

I'm glad I can talk to my new girlfriend about this, and she understands me being upset. But I don't want to drag al the drama from my uxBPDFgf into my new relationship.

Always the drama, drama, drama, I'm so tired of it... .

[InSearchofMe]

Hutsepotmetworst,

I am so sorry you are going through this.    All I can say is I hope that through seeing the doctors, she may end up getting the help she so obviously needs. 

Tired-of-it-all,

I have to say I am absolutely appalled that a T would make such a flippant, uniformed, uncaring comment.  BPDs do succeed at suicide in an intentional and deliberate manner.