Do Borderlines ever leave your mind?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hi all as you can see from my posts on here I have been through enough  "Crap" these last two years that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I have been thinking a lot and find myself ruminating on my previous ex before my current ex ( Yikes ) and I really do not know what the hell i was doing when I stayed this long in the relationship with her for 2 years especially with constant recycling of me? I am a strong man i should have known better but I have to think that I was more addicted to the thought of trying to cure her and be her knight in shiny armor that I lost my own sense of sanity.

I cannot tell you how many depressed days and nights I have had with her and the constant break-ups and make-ups that it literally made me sick and caused me to get into therapy. I should have seen the ' Red Flags " from the get go and especially when she told me her ex was a doctor and she still worked with him and then seeing all them anti men books in her house and depression cures etc. I should have said " Hell No Jim " but i proceeded and look where it got me now.

I never listened to anyones advice but i should have i would have not been in my current situation if I only did what my heart had said to me after our first argument over me buying her an expensive ring or she was "out " I am sure you all on here have seen this caregiving trait and it drives us to help these vampires but it ends up ruining our lives.

I have to tell myself this much I know she will never be in a serious relationship given her track record and also there are a a lot of guys who are stronger than I am and will not put up with her crap. I think I ruminate over her still as many of us do on our exBPD's because we feel we "lost " when we should feel a constant 'Victory"

[ynguns2]

Hi all as you can see from my posts on here I have been through enough  "Crap" these last two years that I would not wish on my worst enemy. I have been thinking a lot and find myself ruminating on my previous ex before my current ex ( Yikes ) and I really do not know what the hell i was doing when I stayed this long in the relationship with her for 2 years especially with constant recycling of me? I am a strong man i should have known better but I have to think that I was more addicted to the thought of trying to cure her and be her knight in shiny armor that I lost my own sense of sanity.

I cannot tell you how many depressed days and nights I have had with her and the constant break-ups and make-ups that it literally made me sick and caused me to get into therapy. I should have seen the ' Red Flags " from the get go and especially when she told me her ex was a doctor and she still worked with him and then seeing all them anti men books in her house and depression cures etc. I should have said " Hell No Jim " but i proceeded and look where it got me now.

I never listened to anyones advice but i should have i would have not been in my current situation if I only did what my heart had said to me after our first argument over me buying her an expensive ring or she was "out " I am sure you all on here have seen this caregiving trait and it drives us to help these vampires but it ends up ruining our lives.

I have to tell myself this much I know she will never be in a serious relationship given her track record and also there are a a lot of guys who are stronger than I am and will not put up with her crap. I think I ruminate over her still as many of us do on our exBPD's because we feel we "lost " when we should feel a constant 'Victory"

[Infern0]

We have had a victory,  however it's a victory that tastes as bitter as defeat.

Will she ever leave my mind? Perhaps not. Every day with them is worth at least 10 with a normal person. I don't know if I'll ever forget,  but I think there is some closure in accepting that I can't control my thoughts when it comes to remembering her,  hoping she's ok,  worrying about her,  being angry or upset. Just have to put some music on and ride it out.

The one thing that is taking my mind off it is actually flirting with other girls and working on improving myself and my self worth. It's tumultuous but at times now I have this extreme confidence,  it comes and goes but it's different and I like it.

Work on yourself,  get rid of the white knight because he doesn't stand for anything good. This world isn't a fairytale and there's no room for a fairytale "hero". Work on being a good guy,  not a "nice guy"

[elessar]

This world isn't a fairytale and there's no room for a fairytale "hero". Work on being a good guy,  not a "nice guy"

Very well said. when I was much younger, in my late teens and early 20s, I used to think like Sansa from the game of thrones - believing in heroic stories of knights rescuing damsels. Today, I really do not like that character Sansa. Haha. There are no knights. But there can be heroes. But I have learned not to try being a hero for an individual. But being a good guy, you can be a hero for many people. And that is something we can strive to achieve.

Does she ever leave my mind? When my ex first left, I left she was in my head every 10 mins for the first 1-1.5 yrs. after that for the next 3 yrs, I would say a few times in a day. The sudden intensity vs the sudden breakup is a very traumatizing event. And the longer we are with them, or the younger we were when we knew them, makes it even harder to stop thinking. I've done the same things you have done, ynguns2. I hope time heals you, and heals quickly

[LettingGo14]

Will she ever leave my mind?  No.

Am I learning to accept this fact?  Yes.

Negative thoughts and emotions can be overwhelming, and I've learned to give each negative thought and emotion its own space to exist (primarily through meditation, and primarily by using Tara Brach's RAIN technique).  When I tried to excise certain thoughts or control certain emotions, I found these thoughts and emotions controlling me.   Interestingly, when I accepted that the love I had came from within me (rather than from my ex-girlfriend), I also accepted that the negative emotions came from within me (rather than because of the situation & end).   

A quote I have long liked, by Pema Chodron, is that "nothing ever leaves us until it teaches us what we need to know."   I have also heard it said that depression is sometimes caused by longing to change the past, while worry & anxiety is sometimes caused by fearing the perceived "wreckage of the future."

We start where we are... .whether it's 2 years after a relationship, or 2 days, or 10 years, or still within it.  Once we accept, without judging ourselves harshly, we give ourselves space to heal.

[Blimblam]

I had a borderline relationship in the past I gave my all too and it took about 3 years to stop thinking of her. 

This time though the wound went much deeper than that.  Deeper than I knew even existed.  I think if I ever do stop thinking about her I would have to experience complete ego death.  Each time I think I can stop thinking about her my ego gets dragged back down into my unconcious mind and there she is once again. A new deeper level of the bond to be processed. More extreme anxiety and pain more suffering. 

[ynguns2]

Wow all your answers are all very informative and also very helpful. I never experienced a borderline individual before her but I can tell you this much I shure don't want to ever come across another woman of her caliber. My current situation is horrible and I know it is from not giving myself enough time to heal. I was so hurt last year when my ex cheated on me and then called me back. I was a fool to take her back and her denisl that what she did was wrong and I think Bpd's rationalize their decisions no matter if it is a wrong one or not.

I am in this situation now and feel hopelessly lost on what to do. I always wanted a family and a child but I wanted to at least be married before having a child and unfortunately this will not happen now. I was set up I think because she was always talking about having a baby and even said " I would sign a contract " prior to even getting pregnant. I should have seen the "Red Flags"

[OutOfEgypt]

Hey man,

Try not to beat yourself up too much.  You'd be condemning a lot of other people, too.   We all had many reasons for staying... .many of them very legitimate and good, though some of them probably a bit short-sighted.  But hindsight is 20/20.

Will they ever leave your mind?  Well, maybe not 100%.  But I think about my ex far less than before, and I have to see and talk to her at least once a week because we share children.  I do not look forward to the times that I have to see her, and as I'm in a new relationship it is easy to have her fall like a shadow over it, but it gets better.  Sometimes, the other partner in the new relationship is the one who keeps that shadow alive.  Sometimes you have to say, "Hey, no.  I don't think you are her, and I don't want her to be a constant reference point in this relationship, so let's let this go, okay?"

It gets better... .much better.  Be glad you got out.  Some never do.

[walksoftly]

Lets face it- you are the normal one. You had and may continue to have an emotional attachment. BPD's have learned to detach from love well before they reached adulthood. They did it for ego survival. Relationships are planned- sure they probably do fall in love but its not a healthy love. They cant sustain love -  they need to be adored and sorry but adoration cant last.

Your emotionally attached so grieve - it will get better.

[lemon flower]

my first BP-boyfriend is gone for 9 years now and he doesn't affect my thoughts anymore, ofcourse a memory pops up now and then but it doesn't hurt anymore nor does it give me much joy either, I became indifferent to the emotional effects allthough I can remember myself being in very heavy states of emotional suffering, so I'd say they might not really get out of your mind but they do get out of your heart slowly, I think it took me about 3 years to arrive at that no-more-emotions-modus  

however, throughout the years another pwBPD has entered my life, and recently a third (and very last !) one so possibly I was just transferring all my emotional energy from one disordered person to another  

[OutOfEgypt]

In either case, the point is true.  We do heal.  Our emotional enmeshment does change and die down.  Hard work with a T helps, but it does get way better.  The only way in which my ex is "on my mind", these days, is either in a flashback or painful memory or in the slightly turned stomach I get when I know I have to see her.  Even her periodic drama-blowouts impact me far less than they used to.  I'm able to disengage and get back up much quicker. 

You will heal, too, my friend.

[walksoftly]

Hi out of Egypt.

Yes... .the emotional attachment doesnt just go away - especially when she has an affair, leaves you and expects you to "move on!" When one person decides to end a marriage they usually are contemplating the decision before they bring it up to their partner. When the decision is communicated the other partner is shocked. In many cases the "leaver" has empathy and tries to make the blow soft. There is a phase in period.

In my case, the blow was not soft- there was no explanation, no discussion, just that she found someone who was a real man.

So you try to heal from a broken marriage, the fact that your wife had a man waiting in the wings and the fact that she tries to destroy you by taking the children away, finances, etc. Its mind blowing knowing that while you were with your wife she was "playing" you. Its an incredible betrayal of your trust and your identity.

Thats a lot to handle in one swoop. Her response?- " Get it together."

Rest assured, you will be the one who transforms, heals and becomes more aware. Know well that she will continue her maladaptive comorbid behaviours.

[OutOfEgypt]

Yup, sounds very familiar.  I was cheated on multiple times over the course of fifteen years.  Some of them were only internet affairs, but some were not.  And those are only the ones I know about.  I was played like a well-tuned fiddle in ways that are unbelievable to some.  Thankfully, she did not try to take the kids away, but I'm carrying a financial burden because of the divorce, for sure.  And it is worth every penny to be out .

Thankfully, I'm past the nonsense of her finding "a real man".  I see now that she just says things like that to punish and hook men.  After all, what man wouldn't like to feel like they are a "real man' and that they can "handle" her, since other men "failed"?  It's just a tactic to have one in her pocket, another in the trash wondering why and if he can be good enough for her, and another in her sights.  Always going to be that way for her.  I get to see it coming into bloom with other men, and I feel badly for them in a way.

The best thing in the world is in going through your whole day and doing what you need to do, enjoying life, enjoying your kids, friends, and new relationships, and not really caring if she pops into your mind or conversation.  It is and was a part of my life.  I can't undo that.  But it is my old life.

[walksoftly]

Out of Egypt--- thanks, very validating.

I realized she was looking for other men while I was with her. She found one! Ten years older and going through his third messy divorce. easy pickings I guess.

[BuildingFromScratch]

It's just a tactic to have one in her pocket, another in the trash wondering why and if he can be good enough for her, and another in her sights.  Always going to be that way for her.  I get to see it coming into bloom with other men, and I feel badly for them in a way.

It's really eerie how similar they all are. They are like doppelgangers of each other and anyone they are around.

[ynguns2]

I do agree I don't think of my ex as much anymore and when I do I get angry so that I guess is better then ruminating all the time and thinking of her in positive ways. We all are on this site for basically the same reasons and this is to get help and heal from emotional trauma caused by Bpd partners. I have really became stronger now going through all this crap but I wish I would have just stuck to my gut feelings from the start.