Wounded masculinity

[freedom33]

I woke up this morning at 6am having slept just 5 hours. I knew I couldn’t sleep more but still didn’t have the courage to get up and face the world. I was turning in my bed until 9. Thoughts of not being man enough… Questions of what sort of man am I? would come in my mind.

This recent relationship has taken a serious toll on me. I had to resign from my job and have become progressively irresponsible. I might need to ask for some money from my parents next month. This will come with a lot of shame... .I lost most of my discipline. Even this forum sometimes feels like and addiction and a waste of time. Some days I think to myself ‘Why can’t I just carry on with my daily activities as I used to and be measured, disciplined, resilient and join society?’

Now, I feel like a complete outcast, a black sheep, an omega male. No job, status, money, just a very fragile self-esteem to show for myself. I suppose some of this was ‘false self’ and N supply but it also did help pay the bills and the rent. There are practical issues that can feed this vicious circle of self-loathing.

I saw in my dream a woman talking nice / needing her husband last night and I woke up saying to myself ‘you are seeing this dream because you are like that woman’… Then thoughts of being gay started coming up in my mind. These obsessive thoughts have appeared about half way through my relationship with my ex (i.e. they started about 10 months ago).  I never had sexual thoughts or otherwise romantic feelings for a man. Since I can remember, from being a little boy until now, I always liked women – maybe too much for my own good. Such thoughts of  being gay never troubled me before (mid-30s now) - I was always comfortable with my sexuality. I am not the most macho guy around but I am not a wimp either. Anyway, there was a period when it was all very intense (now get an episode like this once a week or fortnight). Those days, I would walk on the street and look at a man and I ‘d think that I looked at him because I like him.

I talked to a couple of close friends about this issue and they both said that there were periods in their lives when they were very low that they were going through a similar phase.  One of them told me it’s a form of OCD and can be triggered due to extreme anxiety – he had it for years.

I think this is a combination of my exBPDgf having had my balls on a plate while abusing me with the occasional subtle comments that undermined my masculinity. From being the ‘stallion’ at the beginning to becoming the ‘maybe your friends think you are gay…’ or ‘I couldn’t come because your **** was not hard enough’ and the like.

What do you guys think? Any similar experiences?

[BuildingFromScratch]

I can relate to feeling neutered by the whole experience. I still feel that way, three years out. But trust me, there is liberation in feeling a sort of androgyny. You can overcome your feelings of having to placate to societies standards on this matter. And maybe when you are doing better you can recognize it, in order to attract a mate, but it is not that important, we've just been trained to make it so important. Personally, I am not looking for a girlfriend until I am doing MUCH better so realistically it is meaningless.

[Fluff]

I know the feeling! Though, today I'd like to re-frame it as loss of adulthood rather than masculinity. And knowing I wont put up with the same bull___ again, knowing what to look out for and knowing the world better than before gives me a sense of masculinity/adulthood/power! back. I'm not afraid. Try me world! I can't wait.

Or maybe wait a little bit, I've got to check out my ex facebook first... .

[SC91]

I echo so much on your post. This is something I have been experiencing in the last few years (broke up with ex 4 years ago), esp past 18 months. I am also mid-thirties and a woman, but my ex is a girl. I used to run a very successful business which I started all myself when I still studied in university, in a foreign land without family support. I was so proud of myself, family proud of me, being able to achieve such success at the age of 26 when all my school friends struggle to keep up their career in the lower rank. I even thought some people who did not work hard was such a loser. I admired my independent and intelligent. Ex drama play after broke up consume alot of my energy, then another borderline straight away took half of my energy and self esteem, then another sociopath 18 months ago completely took all my energy, self esteem and sanity away. That was the last straw. You know when you got on crap from one and not fully recovered, you have such a hole in your energy field become weak that you tend draw attention from the predator.

Now I am broke bankrupt. Past 18 months I did nothing, living alone, sleep 18 hours a day, sitting house doing nothing more than checking fb, psychology websites (possibly still seeking answer on humanity). Same as you, at mid-thirties, I asked my dad's financial support to feed me. What a deep shame! Added to this I have a mom with BPD traits, she spread around the relative circle that probably says I shouldnt ask family money at this age, I m loser irresponsible blah blah blah. You can see the eyes from relatives gathering who one or two will just look down on me in such a way. This sister in law who we used to be very close also try keep a distance. My sister is the only one who sympathy me, my dad doesnt know the whole situation (he wont understand anyway) but just try his best to support on financial matters. Everytime I ask dad for money I feel so much pressure, shame. I was the child in the family who were so capable, I used to plan buying a nice flat for my family when i reach 30, etc. Now it all destroyed! My dream my ambition my life goal all turn into a mess. Since young I planned to get marry at early thirties and get a baby who I am confidence put my love to nurture to be a good, strong, loving person... .something my mom did not know how to. But now all these plans failed, I have to accept I am defeated.

Tommorrow I have to ask dad for money again. Added to this, I still have this ___ company bankrupt matters to sort out (which I should have done 12 months ago... .and just denying), mu own reputation of bankrupt list on official government data that will be permanent on my life record. And see how these borderline sociopath are doing? They are doing very well (externally, in society) except my ex (who I still care the most). Sighs... .

I am putting my "Very long story" and will give this until I gather myself back, on another thread in this forum. Check it out when you have time you will see how much ___ I am in. Total mess, both in mind and in real world matters.

[SC91]

Just realise the website block two of my words on above writing. I was meant to say "___" in above. And thats the only word I can describe myself now.

[Mutt]

Now, I feel like a complete outcast, a black sheep, an omega male. No job, status, money, just a very fragile self-esteem to show for myself.

Sometimes you need to lose everything to gain everything. I learned very valuable life lessons from my borderline ex. More than any other life experience. Most importantly I learned about myself.  Materialistic things can be obtained again.  Take this opportunity to learn, look closely and slowly rebuild. You will come out stronger.

What I learned holds more value than what I lost.

[freedom33]

Thanks for your thoughtful responses. This seems to be the only way forward Mutt. I got to do the best I can with what I have, which at the moment is not much, but it is what it is. A good opportunity to get to know myself again and build from scratch. Learn to appreciate and love me for who I am not what I do or how much I earn. It's funny because I wasn't like that in my early twenties. I started getting progressively worse and slowly acquiring this mindset when I entered the rat race in the mid-twenties. Then I progressed quite quickly through the ranks only to find myself in this mess. If someone a year and a half ago told tell me that I would be in this state financially, emotionally and mentally today I would have thought they are crazy. I suppose things can go the other way the next year and a half.

[Mutt]

A good opportunity to get to know myself again and build from scratch. Learn to appreciate and love me for who I am not what I do or how much I earn.

You are a wise man freedom33   

I learned more in 17 months than I had in 2 decades. I needed a difficult personality disorder to stop and look within.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”

― Rumi

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, Mutt.  Sometimes we need to lose our self in order to find our self.

Hey freedom33, It may be worth considering whether you are internalizing toxic messages from your Ex.  If you buy into that cr*p, it's dangerous.  If you don't ingest the poison, on the other hand, it's harmless.

LuckyJim

[SC91]

Well said Mutt and Lucky Jim. You both comments were exactly the sort of comments I would make to friends who needed help, before I met the borderlines. Positive, thoughtful, rational, hope.

I am hoping I will see the positive me again soon.

[Ihope2]

I can relate to the feelings of having been wounded to the core, cracked open and laid bare and thrown to the wolves, so to speak.

We have been broken down to the absolute minimum, and the task that faces us is daunting.  To rebuild ourselves from scratch.

Question everything we have ever known about ourselves, make an inventory of ourselves, sift through our lives and try to make sense of it all and carry on.  And learn to love and forgive ourselves in the process.

Many Blessings to us all on this difficult journey to healing and wholeness... .

[freedom33]

Hey freedom33, It may be worth considering whether you are internalizing toxic messages from your Ex.  If you buy into that cr*p, it's dangerous.  If you don't ingest the poison, on the other hand, it's harmless.

I think so too Jim. There's nothing wrong with being gay but men are just not my thing. She was making such spiteful comments to further erode my self esteem. And when one is at a vulnerable state where boundaries have been progressively attacked and thinned anything that goes in goes straight to our core.

I just found this "Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones (Engel, 1992, p. 10)."

At any rate - This morning has been a good one for me. Spoke with a couple of friends yesterday and had a good man chat with my dad this morning. :-)

Love to all and thanks for the support