Wife Wants Divorce With No Attorneys

[hurthusband]

Besides the fact this shatters my world...

I am not sure this is a good idea.  I mean on other hand the debt she has wracked up past 2 years is enormous and I am 83% of the income earner with all the debt in my name so in a way that is attaractive since.

I am not sure what to do here.

I know at this point I feel like somebody who has been lying on the ground and kicked by a gang of superpowered villians for about 10 years.  At this point, I do not have the power nor strength to fight anything.  I just want the kicking to stop. I mean the actual physical abuse has stopped, but the mental abuse is much worse

[Moselle]

Besides the fact this shatters my world...

I am not sure this is a good idea.  I mean on other hand the debt she has wracked up past 2 years is enormous and I am 83% of the income earner with all the debt in my name so in a way that is attaractive since.

I am not sure what to do here.

I know at this point I feel like somebody who has been lying on the ground and kicked by a gang of superpowered villians for about 10 years.  At this point, I do not have the power nor strength to fight anything.  I just want the kicking to stop. I mean the actual physical abuse has stopped, but the mental abuse is much worse

Sorry to hear this. It must be so demoralising and depressing to face this! My wife has threatened divorce 18 times in 6 months, including saying about 6 times that she has filed, expect a visit from the sherriff, but she never filed. It was all hot air/abuse/punishment.

However it was so demoralising and destructive. I remember feeling exactly like you describe. The temptation is just to give up and let the process unfold, but perhaps you can summon just a little bit of energy. The times will change and you will one day feel excited to be alive again. If you can hold onto that thought. There will be joy for you again. If you can't fight for you, let a lawyer do it. Get one. The best divorce lawyer you can find and just ask for advice. It doesn't mean you have to use one, but it is assertive. I did, and she was well versed in the games of BPD spouses too. It gave me all the information needed to feel like I was able to fight this, or at least she was, if I couldn't.

Abusive spouses are masters of isolation. Do you have family/friends/ therapist who can allow you space to be you?

Strength to you hurthusband.

[hurthusband]

yea this is what I was thinking.  Man... what a mess.  The damage is so inflicted by her... I am just confused and given up

[enlighten me]

Hi Hurthusband

Im sorry that it has come to this for you.

One thing that I wish I had done was file for divorce and take control of the process. As it was when my ex wife dumped me I told her I wanted a divorce. She successfully recycled me and then dumped me again and filed for divorce. This left her calling all the shots and running up massive bills with my attorney as she kept on moving the goal posts.

If you are certain it is over then you need to control the divorce. For your sake and your childrens.

The more drawn out the process means more chance of your children being exposed to hostility.

By not seeking legal council you may leave yourself open to more trouble in the future. An attorney will be able to make it water tight so that you don't end up back in court in years to come.

She may not have any money for an attorney at this time but who knows who she may meet and she may decide that's she's in a position to revisit the divorce either to get more money out of you or just to punish you.

[hurthusband]

Hi Hurthusband

Im sorry that it has come to this for you.

One thing that I wish I had done was file for divorce and take control of the process. As it was when my ex wife dumped me I told her I wanted a divorce. She successfully recycled me and then dumped me again and filed for divorce. This left her calling all the shots and running up massive bills with my attorney as she kept on moving the goal posts.

If you are certain it is over then you need to control the divorce. For your sake and your childrens.

The more drawn out the process means more chance of your children being exposed to hostility.

By not seeking legal council you may leave yourself open to more trouble in the future. An attorney will be able to make it water tight so that you don't end up back in court in years to come.

She may not have any money for an attorney at this time but who knows who she may meet and she may decide that's she's in a position to revisit the divorce either to get more money out of you or just to punish you.

in a way if she left me it would mean i wouldnt have to worry about her.  i know she would be somewhat taken care of

[Bellerphon]

I was in a seven year relationship, we were married had two children. I tried to get out three times.

My ex during the relationship physically assaulted me six times (went to Jail once), left our three year old outside at night in 40 degree weather while I was at the grocery store, was addicted to prescription drugs ( failed rehab attempt) , and cheated on me a few times when she was traveling when she was employed. It was a hot mess.

I had the same attorney for 5 years in a row. Trust me you need an attorney and you will need to record and journal everything. When the BPD turns on you and begins to obsess on you... .the protection with keep you from going insane. What saved me $$$ and the kids was documentation, good discovery motions and sound court room representation. I have gone through: protective orders, two assault trials, a contested divorce trial and now pending the final hearing for custody ( the kids are placed with me). I don't regret having an attorney one bit.

B

[Dutched]

Been there and gone through it. 

At this point, you won’t believe me! You are lucky(!), yes very lucky that you know about BPD as I did during the last years of the r/s. 

When/if (and I sincerely hope that you can manage to continue the r/s if you want) she wants to divorce, have your own lawyer(!), never without it, nor get a mediator to “pre settle” (if that is possible in your country)

Before you jump to the legal board, with ton’s of info, keep her behaviour in mind.

All just in case my friend:

= You know her,  feelings = facts   so use it to your advantage

= Do not listen to the words, judge upon her action only!

(she needs you during the procedure... .for her advantage only... .)    

= A BPD will try to act behind your back, prepare and stay prepared.

= Most likely she will act as the victim, trying to use that to her advantage.

= She will try to hurt you on your most sensitive spots (family,belongings, etc)

= Prepare finances, passwords, keep hold on your papers (house, insurances, etc).

As said, when/if you (both of you) want to continue the r/s take over the lead, set strict boundaries for your finances, otherwise you will be ruined financially.

I never gave her control of our money, although we had a mutual account.

Very early in the r/s I told her, based on her spending, that I didn’t accept it, so I managed finances.

I budgeted/controlled it and she never, never dared to exceed budget, unless we agreed.

ExHFPBDw ended in a blink of an eye 30+ yrs. with the words:

“I can’t stand this anymore, I will temporarely leave for my rest (!) and the kids go with me!”).

Translated she meant a divorce.

It’s a hard place to be, sleepless nights, a rollercoaster of emotions contradicting the rational mind.

To be very direct to you but from a good and very sincere hart:

Kick yourself and get up! Protect yourself (emotionally / financially) for your (and kids?)wellbeing/future

[Boss302]

Besides the fact this shatters my world...

I am not sure this is a good idea.  I mean on other hand the debt she has wracked up past 2 years is enormous and I am 83% of the income earner with all the debt in my name so in a way that is attaractive since.

I am not sure what to do here.

I know at this point I feel like somebody who has been lying on the ground and kicked by a gang of superpowered villians for about 10 years.  At this point, I do not have the power nor strength to fight anything.  I just want the kicking to stop. I mean the actual physical abuse has stopped, but the mental abuse is much worse

There is no debate here. Protect yourself. GET THE ATTORNEY. And make sure that attorney is painfully aware of what you're dealing with.

The only reason I didn't use one to finish up my divorce was that I ran out of money.

And make sure all communications are on email. Document, document, document. Hang in there.

[hurthusband]

Yea... she has broke me financially.  The renovations she started has the house in a place that it cannot be even shown to be sold... the cars and the house are all in my name.  House before we married.  Credit cards and finances all in my name, but used by her to rack up the debt.

So basically, when we met she had no job and no income.  She went to college and got a degree and got a job which is below her but a start at $10 an hour.

I on other hand had a degree/job/no debt.  I started a business and got up to 6 figures, but if relationship ends at this point I will have $40k in credit card debt, a house in disrepair, a busted up truck that I use and her late model Lexus in my name to pay for.  I have little clothing or items at all, and I will lose the kids I have grown close to because they are not biologically mine, but where 3 and 1 when I met her.

I feel sick

[Heartandsole]

Hang in there Hurthusband.  She may be doing you a big favor here.  Do you realistically see getting your financial house in order and having a mutually nurturing relationship? 

I say this to you because we are in the same boat.  10 year marriage, I am the breadwinner, she has been ill and underemployed (we have no kids though).  Cars house, cc, all in my name.  She has no ability to function in a budget (has outlawed the use of spreadsheets in financial discussion) 

Anyway, I know you are are hurting and just wanted to give you some support.  I am getting ready to talk to my atty about filing this week and it breaks my heart.  She is playing the victim role and has the papers filled out and signed but won't serve me so that I can be the bad guy.  She keeps egging me on to "hurry up and file" at the same time. 

Oh yeah, she wants a new car after I've just put $1500 into the one that is paid off in the last two weeks... .

I wanted to try and do a no atty route to save money... .I've been convinced otherwise so I echo advice above to deploy the lawyer.  See if you can find a female that knows about BPD,  that would be my suggestion but I'm not far ahead of you.

[ForeverDad]

You do need an experienced problem-solving attorney because you don't know what she will do.  Think false allegations.  (The legal people passively call them 'unsubstantiated' allegations.  They shy away from calling a lie for what it really is.)  I was a religious volunteer when I met my now ex-spouse, she joined me in it for 8 years.  You would think she would never make false allegations based on our joint history of religious activities, right?  Wrong, she made some of the worst child abuse allegations imaginable.  By then of course I had already had to step down as elder.  The legal consequences could have been dire.  I could literally have been wearing an orange jumpsuit for a decade or more.  Fortunately the professionals weren't easily fooled, but they had to investigate each allegation just in case.  Most were made (1) just before a big hearing or (2) just after she had made a big mistake and felt she had to make me look worse than her.  Even after she had made numerous failed allegations they still looked at each allegation as though it were the first.  Only when her credibility was weakened in court did she make fewer allegations, but it took me over 4 years to get to that point.

If you are not the parent or adoptive parent of the children then you would need a lawyer to advise you on your parental rights, if you have any.  Yes, you've raised them but if you didn't adopt them then it is possible she will control access to them unless she agrees to it or a court decides to grant you access.

A lawyer can tell you what applies in your state but likely any agreement would have to be filed and approved or ordered by the court.  Be aware that a private agreement to allow you to continue parenting or one not filed with the court may not be enforceable.

She may use access to the children as hostage negotiations to get more $$$ from you or force you to take on more debt.  That could be an endless drain, always threatening to block access whenever she wants more money.  You'll need firm boundaries to protect yourself and not invite/enable more and more demands.

For example, you may not have to continue paying for her car loan if the car is that much better than yours.  The court could agree it should be sold and she be forced to get a less expensive vehicle.  (Beware of her agreeing or ordered to take over payments.  Lenders are not forced to accept court orders, their relationship was with you, they may still demand payment from you if she fails to pay.)  That's why I suggest selling the car may be the safer long term option for you, it ends your loan obligation.

If she has a degree but is choosing not to use it to the full, then that's her choice, court won't force her to find a better job.  BUT the court could 'impute' and use her potential income when it comes to calculating what support is ordered for her during/after the divorce.  Oh, did we warn you that if she starts out with a favorable temporary order then she will be doubly certain to delay the final decree as long as she can?  People with BPD may be messed up but they're not dumb, most know the value of money in their hot little hands and try to prolong the gravy train as long as possible.

As for the credit cards, if you are the account holder and she is the cardholder, then you control the accounts.  You can cancel her cards and she wouldn't be able to spend willy nilly as before, she would have to come to you to get money.  But then expect the mother of all Extinction Bursts - rants, rages and perhaps even allegations trying to intimidate you into undoing your fixes.

[livednlearned]

Usually, "no attorney" means gives me everything I want. You absolutely cannot do that. If "no attorney" means you draft a proposal and she signs, then you're one lucky guy. More likely, she will ask for all the assets and want you to take all the debt.

It might be worth seeing what she will ask for, in which case, just let it play out to see what she thinks is "fair." Then make a decision about what you think is best, to protect you. A lot of people here try to be reasonable and fair, and even then, that's not enough. I gave my ex the house and wish I hadn't been so dumb. I could've used the equity to help me pay for the legal bills it cost just to get him to refinance. Three trips to court to give him the house. I still don't understand.

Have you talked to an attorney? It's a good idea to consult with a bunch if you can -- maybe 3 or 4. Don't tell her otherwise you'll pay for it. Talking to them doesn't mean you have to retain them, it's just for information gathering. Depending on where you live, it can run $50 for 30 minutes and up. But it's worth it. Just to strategically to get a sense of how things will end up playing out. She may try to claim child support and alimony. In my state, if you're married less than 10 years, alimony pretty much doesn't happen. If you're married 10 years, then alimony is roughly half the years you were married.

You also need to know whether she can even try to get the house, or half your retirement. I read somewhere that it's a good idea to stop paying maximum into retirement (if you're lucky enough to even be doing that) because it's usually split right down the middle. Set aside the $ you would put into retirement for your legal fund.

Usually, the debt is split according to income. In high-conflict divorces, BPD sufferers tend to drive up court costs just by obstructing and delaying things. Everything you experienced during the marriage, you will experience during the divorce. Agreeing to things, then denying that ever happened. Blaming you for everything, meanwhile doing the very thing you're accused of doing. Fabricating things that never happened, never mind that there is no proof, if not contrary proof. The problem during divorce is that the court gets involved, and all that conflict gets jacked up in pretty miserable ways.

It's also a good idea to read Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. Unless you've already been though a high-conflict divorce before, you probably aren't all that familiar with the legal system. It's this weird combination of cut and dry, plus incredibly fuzzy. So it helps to read how BPD mixes with a pretty opaque system.

Also very important: usually once divorce gets brought up, things get worse. Including false allegations like FD mentioned. Wishing it would get better, and hoping for it all to go away is magical thinking. Once you've been split black, it's kinda a one-way street and you need to be careful. People on these boards have been through unbelievable horrors because they didn't think things could get any worse... .

Talk to some lawyers and find out how things work in your state. At the very least, gather as much information as you can. And start doing things to protect yourself, like getting rid of credit cards, or setting up a private savings account.

Keep in mind, too, that she can up and leave at any moment, and clean out the joint checking and savings account, if you have one.

[Moselle]

Usually, "no attorney" means gives me everything I want. You absolutely cannot do that. If "no attorney" means you draft a proposal and she signs, then you're one lucky guy. More likely, she will ask for all the assets and want you to take all the debt.

It might be worth seeing what she will ask for, in which case, just let it play out to see what she thinks is "fair." Then make a decision about what you think is best, to protect you. A lot of people here try to be reasonable and fair, and even then, that's not enough. I gave my ex the house and wish I hadn't been so dumb. I could've used the equity to help me pay for the legal bills it cost just to get him to refinance. Three trips to court to give him the house. I still don't understand.

Have you talked to an attorney? It's a good idea to consult with a bunch if you can -- maybe 3 or 4. Don't tell her otherwise you'll pay for it. Talking to them doesn't mean you have to retain them, it's just for information gathering. Depending on where you live, it can run $50 for 30 minutes and up. But it's worth it. Just to strategically to get a sense of how things will end up playing out. She may try to claim child support and alimony. In my state, if you're married less than 10 years, alimony pretty much doesn't happen. If you're married 10 years, then alimony is roughly half the years you were married.

You also need to know whether she can even try to get the house, or half your retirement. I read somewhere that it's a good idea to stop paying maximum into retirement (if you're lucky enough to even be doing that) because it's usually split right down the middle. Set aside the $ you would put into retirement for your legal fund.

Usually, the debt is split according to income. In high-conflict divorces, BPD sufferers tend to drive up court costs just by obstructing and delaying things. Everything you experienced during the marriage, you will experience during the divorce. Agreeing to things, then denying that ever happened. Blaming you for everything, meanwhile doing the very thing you're accused of doing. Fabricating things that never happened, never mind that there is no proof, if not contrary proof. The problem during divorce is that the court gets involved, and all that conflict gets jacked up in pretty miserable ways.

It's also a good idea to read Splitting: Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy. Unless you've already been though a high-conflict divorce before, you probably aren't all that familiar with the legal system. It's this weird combination of cut and dry, plus incredibly fuzzy. So it helps to read how BPD mixes with a pretty opaque system.

Also very important: usually once divorce gets brought up, things get worse. Including false allegations like FD mentioned. Wishing it would get better, and hoping for it all to go away is magical thinking. Once you've been split black, it's kinda a one-way street and you need to be careful. People on these boards have been through unbelievable horrors because they didn't think things could get any worse... .

Talk to some lawyers and find out how things work in your state. At the very least, gather as much information as you can. And start doing things to protect yourself, like getting rid of credit cards, or setting up a private savings account.

Keep in mind, too, that she can up and leave at any moment, and clean out the joint checking and savings account, if you have one.

I'd like to echo this. I had the sexual abuse claims and child abuse claims against my children too. It is the nature of this stuff that it's believed when a woman says it. It's just how society operates. So be prepared for anything.

I took all the precautions and set up my life ready for a divorce, and one of the best options financially is to set up a trust with a sister, brother or friend as the sole trustee, and your lawyer as the independent trustee. Put everything in there including cash, and do not make yourself a beneficiary of the trust. That can happen after the divorce. In this way, the court cannot touch anything in the trust, there is no connection to you. But you control it through your sister/brother or friend.

Fortunately, my wife told me two nights ago that she admits being daignosed BP/NP, is in serious therapy and has reverted to Dr Jeckyll. When Mr Hyde comes back I know I am covered legally. I am of course also documenting all the things she is admitting to. Mental illness is serious business. Assertiveness is the only appropriate response.

All the best with this. Strength to you!

[enlighten me]

A word of warning when it comes to documenting their mental health. My ex wife told me she was diagnosed with Bi-polar and ME. She played on this for years and even had prescription anti depressants.

I used these facts to try to prevent her from moving away with our children as there would not have been the support network available that she had at the time. When I got her medical records thee was no mention of any of it. She had made it all up and got the antidepressant off of a friend.

Only build a case with what you have evidence of. I was lucky. Her behaviour obviously rang alarm bells with the judge so it didn't make it look as if I was throwing mud. Others may not be so lucky.

[hurthusband]

A word of warning when it comes to documenting their mental health. My ex wife told me she was diagnosed with Bi-polar and ME. She played on this for years and even had prescription anti depressants.

I used these facts to try to prevent her from moving away with our children as there would not have been the support network available that she had at the time. When I got her medical records thee was no mention of any of it. She had made it all up and got the antidepressant off of a friend.

Only build a case with what you have evidence of. I was lucky. Her behaviour obviously rang alarm bells with the judge so it didn't make it look as if I was throwing mud. Others may not be so lucky.

O i know she is BPD, because I have been asked to come to some of her sessions with psychologist who has said in front of me she is BPD and she is abusive.

I found the comment earlier from Heartandsole funny  btw.  He said his wife wanted a new car after he just paid $1500.  My wife sort of did the same thing.  I owed $2k to pay off our CRV.  Wife was already hounding me for a new one.  Then a wreck happened late one night and totalled it.  Suddenly it late model luxury or you will suffer.  Lol... yup I seen that one.  Audo payment basically doubled, insurance doubled, and then the DWI just happened too!

Yea the thing is about no attorney, I do not have much to lose.

Right now due to me not setting boundaries, I own nothing I want outside of my work computer.  I have tons of debt that I will not be able to load off as its in my name.  The house?  Its a disaster.  I suppose I would want it just cause I hate to move, but it makes sense for her to have it with the kids anyways.  Got the house during the financial bust so 2 teens and 1 adult need really 3 bedroom and the mortgage and property taxes still make it cheaper than a 2 bedroom apartment in town. 

As for the kids, I cannot get them anyways.  They are from different fathers.  I have no real right to them.  They love their mother and would not want to be seperated from her anyways. 

So what can i really lose?  Not an alimony state so I do not have to give her anything there.  I mean i would be entitled to compensation for her physical abuse but it was never reported to cops so no record there.  I would pay child support to get visitation though, but no lawyer can help me there.  It is entirely in her court

Kids really make things the hardest. 

[Moselle]

So what can i really lose? 

Hurt, my guess is that she has seen a lawyer, and has a good idea of what she can take from you even if it's your self-respect. Also, you don't know what you have to lose until you lose it - don't let her surprise you

[catnap]

The house is yours so keep it.  I can almost guarantee if it is signed over to her, she will not pay the mortgage or the taxes and lose it anyway.  If you divorce providing shelter for her is not your problem. She survived before you and she will survive after you.  You will not have the outlay of her medical costs.  It is sad about the children but you do not have any legal recourse.

In reading your past posts, you are paying close to 30k on her medical expenses.  That money can be used to pay off debt and slowly repair the house. 

The disordered person has an uncanny ability to survive.  You want to do what is legally fair, but any thing you do to be nice will not be reciprocated. 

[ForeverDad]

So what can i really lose?

Hurt, my guess is that she has seen a lawyer, and has a good idea of what she can take from you even if it's your self-respect. Also, you don't know what you have to lose until you lose it - don't let her surprise you!

O i know she is BPD, because I have been asked to come to some of her sessions with psychologist who has said in front of me she is BPD and she is abusive.

Courts generally don't care about a diagnosis such as BPD, well, not unless there's a murder.   Courts pay less attention to labels and more attention to behaviors.  And much of the adult behaviors are ignored, focus is more on the parenting behaviors.  Since they're not your children, not much you can do about that.

I owed $2k to pay off our CRV.  Wife was already hounding me for a new one.  Then a wreck happened late one night and totalled it.  Suddenly it late model luxury or you will suffer.  Lol... yup I seen that one.  Auto payment basically doubled, insurance doubled, and then the DWI just happened too!

The fact that she has a DUI may give you REAL LEVERAGE to reason with the court that you can't let her leave the marriage with a luxury vehicle that is in your name and has your loan on it.  The fact that she drives it does NOT make it hers... .well, not unless you appease again.  Better that it HAS to be sold to pay the loan off.  It's in your name, you can sell it and buy a less expensive model.  (But once the divorce is filed you may be prevented from selling major assets during the divorce process unless the court gives its approval.)

Frankly, you need some boundaries now, a backbone.  But be aware that when you set limits and boundaries she will try to overwhelm you with pleas, guilting, obligations, promises, demands, ultimatums and even threats.  So do have 'self-protection' in place before she gets her hackles up and teeth bared.

The house?  It's a disaster.  I suppose I would want it just cause I hate to move, but it makes sense for her to have it with the kids anyways.  Got the house during the financial bust so 2 teens and 1 adult need really 3 bedroom and the mortgage and property taxes still make it cheaper than a 2 bedroom apartment in town.

Frankly, you are currently your own worst enemy... .far too passively acquiescing.  That is precisely why you need an attorney, you need someone level-headed to protect you and your future.  If she got the house she would destroy the house even more, you know that!  Or fail to pay the mortgage, taxes or insurance and have it foreclosed on.  Or sell it for some quick cash without a shred of remorse.

Yes, right now you just want to walk away, gifting her everything but the debts.  Years from now, while you're still paying off the immense financial consequences, maybe even wanting to start a relationship with a wonderful woman and start a family, you will regret not doing more to protect yourself now.  Count on it.  She squandered your finances?  Then she ought to experience the consequences too, please don't reward her.

The house is yours so keep it.  I can almost guarantee if it is signed over to her, she will not pay the mortgage or the taxes and lose it anyway.  If you divorce providing shelter for her is not your problem. She survived before you and she will survive after you.  You will not have the outlay of her medical costs.  It is sad about the children but you do not have any legal recourse.

In reading your past posts, you are paying close to 30k on her medical expenses.  That money can be used to pay off debt and slowly repair the house.

The disordered person has an uncanny ability to survive.  You want to do what is legally fair, but any thing you do to be nice will not be reciprocated.

Catnap's comments are not predictions, they are future history, it's that sure to happen.

What we are writing is not mean or unfair.  It is just basic self-protection.  The lawyers will state what the standard outcomes are.  Court deals with this all the time.  They can keep it businesslike, so you should too.  A good lawyer can guide you through the process.  Or at least a consulted lawyer can warn you of the pitfalls of doing everything she will demand.

Some experienced ones here have learned the wisdom to shift the blame of saying No onto the lawyer.  "I'm sorry, but my lawyer said I can't do that."  If you are the one who has to say No, then you are likely to give in and "get taken to the cleaners", cleaned out of all assets and left with only debts.

[hurthusband]

Yea... I do not worry about her surviving.  She can. I worry about the kids though. I mean I worry about her and still care, but I am scared of the mess that will happen without me there with kids and what damage might be done in that time

Honestly, I am scared what she will do to me still even if I am not there.  There have been threats to ruin lives around me because she knows them and their secrets by being with me and using them to hurt them.  Sometimes it feels like the best thing is me dying so nobody around me gets hurt, there is life insurance to float wife and kids for a bit, and I do not have to suffer through this

[catnap]

Without speaking to an attorney, or several, you do not know what options you may have.  Is there a way to express concern (CPS report) for the children? What about the bio Dad of the oldest child? 

Just by speaking to attorneys you will have a much better idea how things work and it might mitigate some of the fear.

[hurthusband]

Without speaking to an attorney, or several, you do not know what options you may have.  Is there a way to express concern (CPS report) for the children? What about the bio Dad of the oldest child? 

Just by speaking to attorneys you will have a much better idea how things work and it might mitigate some of the fear.

ugh the dad for the oldest kid is less mature than his 14 year old.  34 and still living in band tshirts at the same job he has had since he was 18... no promotion... no nothing...   although has the newest video games at all times

[ForeverDad]

Yea... I do not worry about her surviving.  She can. I worry about the kids though. I mean I worry about her and still care, but I am scared of the mess that will happen without me there with kids and what damage might be done in that time

Honestly, I am scared what she will do to me still even if I am not there.  There have been threats to ruin lives around me because she knows them and their secrets by being with me and using them to hurt them.

You can only do just so much, the rest is not in your power.  There's a phrase I've seen here, "Let Go and Let God."  That is, take care of yourself and leave your worries and the rest in God's capable hands.

Sometimes it feels like the best thing is me dying so nobody around me gets hurt, there is life insurance to float wife and kids for a bit, and I do not have to suffer through this.

We've all faced disquieting thoughts when we were at our lows.  This tells me that besides peer support and local trusted friends and family, you could use a counselor to assist you to handle and get past these feelings.  They're not "you", they're situational feelings because of your relationship and situation.  You can use some outside objective support to guide you and keep you from getting unbalanced and unrealistic.

[Boss302]

Yea... I do not worry about her surviving.  She can. I worry about the kids though. I mean I worry about her and still care, but I am scared of the mess that will happen without me there with kids and what damage might be done in that time

Honestly, I am scared what she will do to me still even if I am not there.  There have been threats to ruin lives around me because she knows them and their secrets by being with me and using them to hurt them.  Sometimes it feels like the best thing is me dying so nobody around me gets hurt, there is life insurance to float wife and kids for a bit, and I do not have to suffer through this

It sounds like you could definitely use someonel to help you through these awful feelings. Do you have a therapist? I didn't have one during my (gawdawful) divorce, and I wish I had. I probably suffered through a lot of fears and other things needlessly.

Stay strong... .and take care of yourself. Let us know how you're doing, OK?

[livednlearned]

Yea... I do not worry about her surviving.  She can. I worry about the kids though. I mean I worry about her and still care, but I am scared of the mess that will happen without me there with kids and what damage might be done in that time

Honestly, I am scared what she will do to me still even if I am not there.  There have been threats to ruin lives around me because she knows them and their secrets by being with me and using them to hurt them.  Sometimes it feels like the best thing is me dying so nobody around me gets hurt, there is life insurance to float wife and kids for a bit, and I do not have to suffer through this

hurthusband, we're here for you and understand. These relationships when they break down can feel excruciating. Like nothing could possibly hurt like this. We worry about our loved ones and it can be all-consuming, like the cloud will never lift and we'll never return to an emotionally stable place. Are you talking to a counselor? I can hear in your post that your grief runs deep.

Even low-conflict divorces can be devastating. Add to that years of BPD struggles, and not surprisingly, many of us are at our lowest when we arrive here. It's hard to see how it could ever be ok again.

It sounds like you love the kids very much, and you want what is best for them. Insurance money can't heal the hurt a child feels when someone close to them takes their life. It tells them that this is how an adult solves problems, at a time when they are so vulnerable themselves and need hope.

Despair is part of the grieving process. It's something to work through, not give into. There are people a phone call away who understand.

People here understand too, and care about you.

[Moselle]

Hurt,

Sorry to see this is so devastating for you.

Stay Strong.

I also offer my support during the next phase of your challenge. Keep posting

[Heartandsole]

Sometimes it feels like the best thing is me dying so nobody around me gets hurt, there is life insurance to float wife and kids for a bit, and I do not have to suffer through this

Hey man, I don't know you, but I know some of your pain and despair.  I want to suggest to you that EVERYONE around you gets hurt when you die.  If you are having really dark thoughts and/or actually think that is the way to fix this, I encourage you to go get in front of someone via telephone or a counselor a Therapist, pastor etc.  Like today!

You have a light inside of you and it's smoldering, but it is there.  You have special talents that you either already know of or you have not yet uncovered.  There is a lot of happiness in the world, some of it belongs to you.  Take care of yourself.  You have value to people in your life that may not be obvious to  you.  This process, however painful is here to teach you some kind of lesson because and you are going to get it one way or the other.  It is imperative that you don't give up before it's your time to shine! 

Existing as a negative impact on the world is a distorted view of things, but it is understandable.  Lots of us here get so messed up and don't know which way is up or down, and everything seems harder than it ought to be.  You have lots of worth, maybe not enough self awareness to recognize the self-worth today, but you are important.  Believe that.  Believe that you will find understanding and support here.  This too shall pass.  Until then it will bee a pain in the @ss.

     

[enlighten me]

Hi Hurthusband

Things may seem bad now but trust me they do get better. You've a lot on your plate with your wifes behaviour, debt and the thought of not seeing the kids. A lot of the pressure you have is real and a lot is just perceived. I know it feels like a juggling act at the moment trying to balance everything and keep on top of it all but no matter how bad you think things are it does get better.

When my ex wife dumped me I had nothing. I had to live in a tent for a month as she had spent everything so I didn't even have enough for a deposit on a flat let alone the rent. I slowly but surely built myself back up. Found somewhere to live and furnished it. I still had the battle of the divorce and the fact the ex wife was moving 3 hours away with the kids to deal with but I slowly got my life back on track. I now have a house and get plenty of quality time with my children. If I can do it then so can you.

I realise the kids aren't yours but you have been a huge part of their life and they will appreciate that. They will no doubt still want contact with you and when theyre old enough will probably visit off of their own backs.

As others have said stay strong.

[hurthusband]

Thanks for support

I had a psychiatrist of some sort for about 30 years of my life.  latest one for past 12 years, but stopped going couple of months ago because just could not afford it anymore.  I mean i will still see him from time to time but not regularly like i was.  He and I have gone through all of this before, and I know what he will say.  Some reason I just have a hard time detaching what she feels from being the reality i believe...

[Heartandsole]

It is great that you have invested so much into therapy in your past.  One thing that a good friend of mine told me that gave me a different perspective when I was in the throes of indecision about staying/leaving is that he asked me what I would advise HIM to do if he was in my shoes.  For some reason I was able to remove my own emotion and tap into more logic.  Just a thought for you and the rest of your support group here: 

Would you consider telling all of us a dialogue of what you think you would say to your T now, and what you know he/she would say back to you? 

Potentially it would be good for you to hear yourself say it, and it may help us know how to support you better as well.  You obviously have a crowd of people here that care about you!

[hurthusband]

It is great that you have invested so much into therapy in your past.  One thing that a good friend of mine told me that gave me a different perspective when I was in the throes of indecision about staying/leaving is that he asked me what I would advise HIM to do if he was in my shoes.  For some reason I was able to remove my own emotion and tap into more logic.  Just a thought for you and the rest of your support group here: 

Would you consider telling all of us a dialogue of what you think you would say to your T now, and what you know he/she would say back to you? 

Potentially it would be good for you to hear yourself say it, and it may help us know how to support you better as well.  You obviously have a crowd of people here that care about you!

I would talk about the emotional abuse and toll that my wife is taking on me.  Her rages, her mistakes, her demands.  The insults and blaming and questioning me as a good person and husband.  I would say I feel guilt and shame.  I feel I am inadequate.  I feel scared.  Very scared.

He would say that it is not my job to make her happy.  That I cannot make her happy and only she can.  He would say that I am doing everything possible, but I have to take some time for myself.  I have to think of myself.  I need to stop beating myself up.  He would say even if she thinks how I do things is wrong, it is ok how I do things if I believe in them.  Nobody is perfect, and what one person believes in right differently from another does not mean they both cannot be right or wrong.