Emotional prostitutes

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

"This is your pain. This is your burning hand". 

[Blimblam]

"This is your pain. This is your burning hand". 

[antjs]

"This is your pain. This is your burning hand". 

Cant wait to find the vinegar

[Blimblam]

"This is your pain. This is your burning hand". 

Cant wait to find the vinegar

Lol.  Remember when he warns against guided meditation. No guides no gurus no authorites. This is your pain this is your burning hand it's right here.

[Blimblam]

Fuk the story. Fuk the justifications. Fuk contemporary  psychology mumbo jumbo. Fuk the conditioning. Fuk me. Fuk authority.

"This is your pain this is your burning hand. It's right here " - Tyler durden

"Question authority"- Timothy leory

Even question the authority of the story you tell your self.

"Forget what you think you know about you and me" - Tyler durden

www.youtu.be/UIsXZVhvvGs

[goldylamont]

The BPD is a person corrupted by the world.

no. not necessarily. while it is highly common for pwBPD to have come from abusive childhoods, this is not always the case. we have to be very careful here. you can't always blame the family, childhood upbringing or the parents (or 'society'. just as some pwBPD come from abusive childhoods, there are those where there was no discernible abuse from childhood or FOO. where they have siblings who grew up in the same environment and turned out just fine. the parents and family are left just as confused and hurt by the situation that a bf/gf, husband or wife would be. we cannot not always blame the disorder on outside forces.

if you go to the parents/family board you will often see posts from parents and siblings who are just as confused about the origins as we are. and i say you have to be careful because the family is often unfairly blamed or devalued just as we were. my ex's family seemed supportive of her and of each other. i could tell my ex's mom had a loving but tenuous r/s with her daughter. my ex's siblings all seemed to not have pd's. yet my ex would paint a negative picture of her mother often, when upon meeting her i could see that this wasn't true. i have no idea how hard my ex's childhood was or what could have happened, but i'm not so quick to assume her family was the cause of it. i do feel that there was definitely trauma experienced in her childhood, but i couldn't point a finger as to where it came from (too many lies and unfounded devaluing from ex to really know). there are obvious cases where abuse was present, but i would view any info about events from childhood coming from a pwBPD with skepticism as to what really happened. there are parents dealing with being falsely accused of sexual/physical/emotional abuse unjustly just as there are SO's dealing with unjust accusations of domestic violence, etc.

i point this out because i made a promise one day after reading a post from a distraught mother on the family board that i would try and let others know that parenting and FOO aren't always the direct cause of pwBPD. it is common, yes, but sometimes they are just as much a 'victim' of the disorder as anyone else.

It's just in society we like to pick a group to be the bad guy. This is because the bad guy is dehumanized so therefore it is justified in our minds.  When a human becomes less than human we are able to justify a lack of compassion and bad behavior becomes excusable. Dehumanizations of other humans has led to the greatest atrocities in history.

i get what you're saying here. we do have to stay vigilant and make sure we don't dehumanize others. i for one never felt like i dehumanized my ex. i think pw personality disorders are wholly human. good people, bad people, codependents, narcissists... .all expressions of humanity to me. but i don't feel saying that the overall arc of having a r/s with someone with BPD being similar to that of being in a r/s with a sociopath 'dehumanizes' them. i think there's a lot of truth in this statement. the underlying reasons for doing what they do are vastly different, yet for the person on the other end experiencing the pain, discarding, devaluing the experience i would imagine is much the same. actually, i shouldn't go so far as to compare with sociopaths as i'm not too familiar with this type of person--i'm sure i've probably met one but i've never recognized them if i did.

however, i think the point anthony_james is making is that at some point, does it matter why an abusive person is abusive? to the person getting the abuse, i think it matters little. it does matter in the greater scheme of things though, when it comes to looking to solutions. it's vitally important to understand the motives of abusers in any attempts to heal or mitigate their behaviors. and i feel it's equally important for us to seek to understand their motives with some empathy so we can understand how we got to where we are at now. yet regarding the experience of someone being emotionally or physically abused--i think the abuse speaks for itself and the motive only serves to explain, not excuse.

in short, a pwBPD, npd, aspd, or a garden variety assholle can be terribly abusive or less so, depending on their own personal behaviors.

or in short, a pwBPD is no better than a full on npd, aspd, whateverPD just because they feel sad a lot. they're behavior towards others determines how 'good' they are. and because of the spectrum i'm sure there's people with other PDs that may be less abusive and a specific pwBPD and vice versa. depends on the person, not the PD! decouple-it

The antidote to all of this is compassion. Let compassion be your guide to freedom and forgiveness through the pain. Compassion without limits. The limit on ones compassion is the point at which one has been corrupted by the material plane of society and mind.

my compassion has limits. and i think this is healthy. i think sometimes i hear speak of compassion and forgiveness and i see this more as a cover for a person's attachment. this is just my personal understanding of it, how i feel about things although i recognize it can be different from others. i tend to give less significance to compassion and forgiveness if i feel the person claiming to have this is still attached. because when still attached i feel like what you are forgiving and being compassionate about is still and idealized version of the person you were with. to me, true compassion and forgiveness represents when we are totally free from allowing a person to hurt us, in any way shape or form. complete detachment first, then compassionate understanding of what happened. i have a good friend of mine who when consoling me tried to offer his version of compassion regarding his ex-wife (who treated him terribly during their break). he told me that he'll always love her and wishes her well... .ok that sounds fine and dandy. but then a couple sentences later he says he had run into her recently and that she had gained weight and he kind of chuckled about it. for me this isn't true compassion or forgiveness. you can't still be in-love or in-hate in any capacity.

my own personal gauge to how far along i am with forgiveness/compassion is simply this: Do i still want to hurt this person in any way? << that's all it is. I'm mostly there, I feel it fully sometimes and then others i feel little pangs that pop up where i still want to be 'right', or i still want to feel justified or understood. sometimes i want to chuckle at her or see her downfall a little bit to justify how i feel about her behavior towards me. it's much much less now--i actually have started feeling really amazing in the past few weeks (another post!). but i recommend asking yourself these questions when gauging your own levels of compassion for someone who hurt you:

* Can this person or my idea of them still hurt me?

* Would i cause hurt or discomfort to this person if the opportunity arose?

for me the answer to this question grows closer to a firm NO as the months go by.

[freedom33]

Some good points on the issue of 'compassion'. I have caught myself playing the compassion card in my mind in the past just to avoid facing the plain facts that I have been played like a fool, deceived,  betrayed, hurt and abused.

The compassion card when its played this way it is done to put one in a position of questionable 'moral superiority' supporting maladaptive patterns thinking and of dealing with problems, sticking head in the sand and pretending that one is good and forgiving and kind and that will solve problems etc.

This is a symptom of a way of approaching the world, a maladaptive belief. There is actual genuine evil in the world and there is a purpose for it. If we were all good and compassionate the world would come to a standstill. Detachment is key.

Some people say that evil doesn't exist and evil is the absence of good. People that are too attached to their goodness which is actually weakness. Evil does exist in its own right. You can justify anyone's behaviours to explain the world this way if you have determined the outcome of your thinking process before you have even started it (which is poor other person x had it rough... .).

I have taken of the rose coloured glasses. Now I aim for peace but also be prepared for war and defend my basic rights as a human being. My life has value. The gift of the borderline to me is to have less fake compassion.

[Hope0807]

I'm glad to feel you got a survivor worthy experience in a month, but in my humble comparison, you didn't get to see much at all in a month, not much at all.  What happens to the non over the course of time and experiences in and out of the home, mixed in with more time, people, environments, holiday, events, occasions…the psychological and emotional damage is beyond words.  I was with my husband for 7 years.

[antjs]

The BPD is a person corrupted by the world.

no. not necessarily. while it is highly common for pwBPD to have come from abusive childhoods, this is not always the case. we have to be very careful here. you can't always blame the family, childhood upbringing or the parents (or 'society'. just as some pwBPD come from abusive childhoods, there are those where there was no discernible abuse from childhood or FOO. where they have siblings who grew up in the same environment and turned out just fine. the parents and family are left just as confused and hurt by the situation that a bf/gf, husband or wife would be. we cannot not always blame the disorder on outside forces.

this is my ex. i have met her sister several times. she seems to be ok with 2 children and a seemingly happy marriage. my ex painted her parents black and one day out of the blue escaped her country and came to where i live. i remember her dad calling her several times while i was with her and remember very well her attitude while talking to him. i justified it by her victimization and "how her parents were over-protective after her divorce".

[Zpinal]

Doesn't matter how happy they pretend to be, BPD people will always cycle back through misery. When the mask doesn't hold anymore and the mirror reflects who they really are: mentally ill people who needs help, the mirror crashes and they look for a new supply, Best is to feel sorry for them and move on with your life. Because without intense self commitment to therapy, they will never heal and always resist to treatment. Their emotional development is stuck in childhood and really, who wants to deal with a child in a grown up body?

I've been with my ex for 4 months and as I said in previous posts, her BPD comorbid with Bipolar 2 rapid cycling, hyper anxiety and ADHD. I got blind sided by BPD as i thought it was part of the bipolar sanctum. Thinking back, there was several red flags and lies. The ridiculous idealization phase, within 1 week telling everyone we were in for life, that I was the man she waited all her life for... .all the usual BPD bullsh!t. Then she started to feel a bit down, I thought it was a bipolar low but the episode was quite  contradictory to what Ive known. She got some books at the library in an attempt to self heal from childhood wounds but i know now that was part of the mask. I was trying to encourage her to keep making efforts to get better, thats probably when the black paint started to spray.

She started dating her new supply 2 days after leaving me. Pretending shes all happy now and he is the men of her life. If only that supply knew what I know, I am hoping he sees it quick and drop the breakup bomb on her. I am not the type to wish anyone bad stuff, but the little devil on my left shoulder would love to see her crash. I am aware she is mentally ill and all that Jazz, but imo it doesnt make it right for them to run around rampant screwing up us nons emotional balance.

[goldylamont]

Some good points on the issue of 'compassion'. I have caught myself playing the compassion card in my mind in the past just to avoid facing the plain facts that I have been played like a fool, deceived,  betrayed, hurt and abused.

The compassion card when its played this way it is done to put one in a position of questionable 'moral superiority' supporting maladaptive patterns thinking and of dealing with problems, sticking head in the sand and pretending that one is good and forgiving and kind and that will solve problems etc.

This is a symptom of a way of approaching the world, a maladaptive belief. There is actual genuine evil in the world and there is a purpose for it. If we were all good and compassionate the world would come to a standstill. Detachment is key.

Some people say that evil doesn't exist and evil is the absence of good. People that are too attached to their goodness which is actually weakness. Evil does exist in its own right. You can justify anyone's behaviours to explain the world this way if you have determined the outcome of your thinking process before you have even started it (which is poor other person x had it rough... .).

I have taken of the rose coloured glasses. Now I aim for peace but also be prepared for war and defend my basic rights as a human being. My life has value. The gift of the borderline to me is to have less fake compassion.

thank you freedom33. i love the way you describe evil as being real but necessary. you put into words something i've been feeling but not able to express all the way. on one hand you don't want to completely demonize/dehumanize someone, yet on the other i think it's inaccurate (and perhaps unhealthy) to act as if evil doesn't exist in and of itself. detachment is key. detachment is free(dom) 

[Dutched]

antony_james

Don’t beat yourself up by accusing yourself of “still being here”. Don’t do that my friend!

It is your way, yours only! You are not me, nor any other member, so take your time, step by step, day by day. A cliché? Yes, but true!

Many of us were discarded in a blink of an eye (me too after 30+ yrs r/s in front of the kids) devastating beyond any believe, beyond any normal reason in fact.

Almost 4 yrs. later, guess who is here?  Me…   Even that I already knew about BPD during the r/s, learned, used the techniques and minimized her outbursts to 1 p/yr. 

What was said in my local group once is: 

what “they” once did, “they” do it again, some day

   or   past behaviour predicts “their” future behaviour

Nice isn’t it? So this family guy was prepared… in fact fought like hell for various reasons. And hé even “canalized” her mood swings… Future laughed in a way… That was way back in 2007, same period as I found this Board too (reading and learning as a “free rider”,  and must not forget to contribute tomorrow). 

Almost 4 yrs. later since she left “temporally for her rest”… “divorce” according to a BPD dictionary… Who is here?

Although I still learn a lot about BPD (even beginning me to questioning why should I still as the r/s is over) the reason is for my future and to share experiences in order for others to benefit.

I am not an expert at all, but understand that the reason a BPDperson acts is different from sociopaths or others in cluster B. That takes a lot to swallow maybe as the similarities are so obvious

Plain:

#Discarding you is to protect themselves, you are the bad parent, so it is to prevent themselves for losing themselves totally, a primitive survival mode triggered in the Amygdala!

#Oh yes , A BPD loves, crave for it! But can’t prevent destroying what they love. The bad parent is evil, so I am entitled to punish too… I love you- I hate you

# Lying and manipulation? For a BPD it is a survival technique only! We are the persecutor (the punitive parent) when we catch them lying/manipulating. What will any child do when you ask is he/she took a candy? I don’t tell you as you know the answer.

#Now as you say holding a person responsible.

Ask yourself how to hold a 4 yr. old responsible. Oh yeah,  holding a child responsible in a grown up world, that works, doesn’t it?

A BPD is an adult, equipped with all we are equipped with, except for 1. Their emotional core!

# pwBPD are like chameleons. When the audience is gone, they sees to exists.

Who teaches a 4 yr old? Parents who take care emotionally of a 4 yr old, so on who does a BPD emotionally depends largely?  You! 

# pwBPD love without measure those whom they soon hate without reason

I feel your pain Anthony! My reply being very direct is not to offend you at all! Just to gain a moment (hopefully longer than that ) of rest in order not to blame yourself!

For a longer thought (to distract your thoughts    ) 

   What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly

[Blimblam]

I guess what it comes down to is their are in some ways sociopathic and it is our own inability to accept this that causes the problems. Wanting something they can not provide

[BlackandBlue]

I'm buying this. I fell for her crap hook line and sinker. Loved me right away, was talking about marriage and kids right away. Idolized me. She never met someone like me or felt these feelings before. It was a whirlwind. Something magical finally happened to me. And I reciprocated. Ate it up in fact, just completely sucked in by what I now know was a trap.

When the BU happened to quickly and coldly, I simply couldn't understand how someone could go from that kind of talk, to basically being completely cold to me so quickly. It didn't seem human and I was distraught.

After getting into therapy and finding out about BPD, it makes a whole lot more sense. But not easier, now I am filled with self doubt and guilt over how I didn't see it, why I wanted to believe something as ridiculous as intense love at first site. (i never believed in it before) I also know that this is a pattern she's repeated with probably every boyfriend, told them all the same thins, that I wasn't special at all, just who she was fixated on at that time. That hurts and has me questioning everything about myself.

I wish I never met her.

Wow this sounds all to firmilar... .its almost exactly the same as what i went through. What's sad is that deep down i knew this was to good to be true. I saw so many red flags but bought into the fairytale anyway. I am slowly starting to let myself off the hook for letting myself into this mess. I was depressed and lonely at the time and a cute girl 10 years younger than me was showing interest.

[Perfidy]

A_J, hi, hope you can shake this yuck off quickly. Nice analogy "emotional prostitutes", , I might just quote you someday but probably not. Ok, about you and not "them". Emotion always emerges first. When something like a feeling where we find attraction occurs, emotion always is the first thing we feel after the sense perception. How strong it is felt is a result of how much desire or hatred that we place upon it. "It"as an object, could be anything. Do you remember the first time you tasted your favorite candy, or something shiny and bright caught your attention? If you create a little space between your emotions and your self you will see how we place this value of desire on objects. Emotion is only a good thing when it is felt and expressed from the true self. When it comes from a false perception it is never good no matter what it is. I'm sure that you have heard it like this at one time or another; don't make emotional decisions. What you are feeling is sexual exploitation. It's very common. It couldn't happen without two willing participants, and it's ugly. Makes us feel crappy. Fortunately for us the reality of this human existence is held in the arms of impermanence. This too shall pass. As these difficult feelings leave us, and they do, we have a golden opportunity to know our selves better and arrive at truth. Best wishes.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hmmm.  Well, a ___ conducts a business deal, money for services rendered, a transaction.  I don't see a borderline conducting business, more trying to find love and avoid abandonment, while being convinced it will happen, motivated by fear, which informs all of the decisions and behaviors.  Whatever, I get it; assigning a disparaging term to something that caused us pain feels better.  But that's a borderline. 

It's said someone hangs around in our heads until the lessons they are there to teach get learned.  Borderlines are good at getting their hooks deep in our psyche, they have to be, it is mandatory in their world to attach to someone else, since they don't exist without it.  And we let them.  You can consider it malicious or a matter of survival on their part, doesn't matter, what matters is what you do with it.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  Why did a borderline enter our lives when they did, what lessons were they there to teach, how can we use them?  Using the energy of the pain of detachment in a way that supports us can be very motivating, very fruitful.  And we stay stuck in the pain until we channel it in a way that serves us and start focusing on the future instead of the past, a better future as a result of the lessons.  Happiness is created by progress.

Life deals us a set of cards and we are responsible about how to play with it.

Yep, so what's your next play, in order to win this game of life?

[tim_tom]

Hmmm.  Well, a ___ conducts a business deal, money for services rendered, a transaction.  I don't see a borderline conducting business, more trying to find love and avoid abandonment, while being convinced it will happen, motivated by fear, which informs all of the decisions and behaviors.  Whatever, I get it; assigning a disparaging term to something that caused us pain feels better.  But that's a borderline. 

It's said someone hangs around in our heads until the lessons they are there to teach get learned.  Borderlines are good at getting their hooks deep in our psyche, they have to be, it is mandatory in their world to attach to someone else, since they don't exist without it.  And we let them.  You can consider it malicious or a matter of survival on their part, doesn't matter, what matters is what you do with it.  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?  Why did a borderline enter our lives when they did, what lessons were they there to teach, how can we use them?  Using the energy of the pain of detachment in a way that supports us can be very motivating, very fruitful.  And we stay stuck in the pain until we channel it in a way that serves us and start focusing on the future instead of the past, a better future as a result of the lessons.  Happiness is created by progress.

Life deals us a set of cards and we are responsible about how to play with it.

Yep, so what's your next play, in order to win this game of life?

Great post. That is what I am trying to figure out. The problem is that what I've learned is has shaken me to my core, it feels like the beginning of a long journey that I do not wish to take at my age.

[fromheeltoheal]

The problem is that what I've learned is has shaken me to my core, it feels like the beginning of a long journey that I do not wish to take at my age.

I'm no spring chicken myself, but ever hear the expression 'when the student is ready the teacher will appear'?  Sure, it would have been great had I been all wise and mature in my youth, but it is what it is, and focusing on enjoying the journey instead of getting to the destination makes it fine to be where we are.

Every day above ground is a great day.

[antjs]

i am not new here. i am past the phase of blaming it all on my ex. i did a lot of introspection and held my share of responsibility and my doings during the r\s. i am again saying it i am not try to demonize them but as goldylamount said, it is not important their excuse for abuse as their abuse does not differ a lot from the type of abuse you receive from a sociopath.

i think i am developing a panic disorder in a bad time when my career really needs me as i have to sit an important exam soon. i was glad that preparing for this exam would take my mind off and it did for the past month but suddenly for some days now i am back to fear. really really fear. i am afraid while i am typing this now. i don't know what i am afraid of. but its a really intense feelings that cripples my stomach and make me breathless LITERALLY. i am beginning to get cynical. after removing the colored tinted glasses from all the views in my life now i can see how life is full of ugliness and evil ! evil right here evil right there everywhere there is evil. i have noticed that a lot of people were invading lots of my boundaries and now i am stopping them. they are upset. where did the "kind" antony go ? but this is it. i am not gonna be back to the fantasy and false self i was living with. i will do what it takes to reach. reach where ? i dont know but there must be somewhere to reach with this.

[fromheeltoheal]

i am again saying it i am not try to demonize them but as goldylamount said, it is not important their excuse for abuse as their abuse does not differ a lot from the type of abuse you receive from a sociopath.

Nah, labeling a borderline a prostitute and likening their behavior to that of a sociopath isn't demonizing at all.  Friendly sarcasm my friend... .

i don't know what i am afraid of. but its a really intense feelings that cripples my stomach and make me breathless LITERALLY. i am beginning to get cynical. after removing the colored tinted glasses from all the views in my life now i can see how life is full of ugliness and evil ! evil right here evil right there everywhere there is evil.

Yes, evil is everywhere, and so is good; it's a matter of focus; what we focus on we get more of.

i have noticed that a lot of people were invading lots of my boundaries and now i am stopping them. they are upset. where did the "kind" antony go ? but this is it. i am not gonna be back to the fantasy and false self i was living with. i will do what it takes to reach. reach where ? i dont know but there must be somewhere to reach with this.

You're moving towards a new normal.  I can relate to where you are; when we go through a traumatic experience it changes us, as does the work we do following it.  It's common for people to change and then discover the people they had in their lives no longer fit, and I too have zero tolerance for bullsht from people today, because my ex was the one who finally pushed it too far, she did me a favor in that regard.

So as we create a new life for ourselves, one devoid of fantasy and false selves, we're out of our comfort zone, by definition.  And as with anything new, the more we do it the more comfortable we get; it's that good kind of uncomfortable though, because even though we haven't settled into it yet, we know we're on the right path.  Any of that speak to you?

[antjs]

i am again saying it i am not try to demonize them but as goldylamount said, it is not important their excuse for abuse as their abuse does not differ a lot from the type of abuse you receive from a sociopath.

Nah, labeling a borderline a prostitute and likening their behavior to that of a sociopath isn't demonizing at all.  Friendly sarcasm my friend... .

i don't know what i am afraid of. but its a really intense feelings that cripples my stomach and make me breathless LITERALLY. i am beginning to get cynical. after removing the colored tinted glasses from all the views in my life now i can see how life is full of ugliness and evil ! evil right here evil right there everywhere there is evil.

Yes, evil is everywhere, and so is good; it's a matter of focus; what we focus on we get more of.

i have noticed that a lot of people were invading lots of my boundaries and now i am stopping them. they are upset. where did the "kind" antony go ? but this is it. i am not gonna be back to the fantasy and false self i was living with. i will do what it takes to reach. reach where ? i dont know but there must be somewhere to reach with this.

You're moving towards a new normal.  I can relate to where you are; when we go through a traumatic experience it changes us, as does the work we do following it.  It's common for people to change and then discover the people they had in their lives no longer fit, and I too have zero tolerance for bullsht from people today, because my ex was the one who finally pushed it too far, she did me a favor in that regard.

So as we create a new life for ourselves, one devoid of fantasy and false selves, we're out of our comfort zone, by definition.  And as with anything new, the more we do it the more comfortable we get; it's that good kind of uncomfortable though, because even though we haven't settled into it yet, we know we're on the right path.  Any of that speak to you?

all of what you have said spoke to me except for the demonizing part. describing them as emotional prostitutes is not demonizing them. a physical prostitute shares a very special part of his\her body with anyone who is willing to pay him\her. the borderline shares a very special part of his\her emotions with anyone who would enable,care take, parent her\him though they can predict the result from their past experiences. my ex in a lucid moment cried and told me that i should run away and that she is no good to me, her life is miserable and she does not want me to get involved in this mess and one day she would hurt me. why did not i run away ? thought it would be different with me than with her 10+ partners before me ? i hold myself accountable for this whatever the answer is .if someone shows you who they are believe them. its a metaphor that i find fit so much. regarding their behavior i dont see any difference from a sociopath except for the motivations and intentions behind (which i really dont care about because in the end i got the same result and pain).

moving forward is a must. eliminating people asking to condition my behavior back to the old me so that it would suit them is a must too. its difficult. its life changing by all kinds of definition and meanings but i see the better in the long term future

[Blimblam]

I think emotional prostitutes is a very Apt description. 

[antjs]

I think emotional prostitutes is a very Apt description. 

Apt ?

[antjs]

Lol my bad thought it was an abbreviation for a psychological disorder that i dont know. Wait... .i think i know all of them

[Shell shock]

I'm buying this. I fell for her crap hook line and sinker. Loved me right away, was talking about marriage and kids right away. Idolized me. She never met someone like me or felt these feelings before. It was a whirlwind. Something magical finally happened to me. And I reciprocated. Ate it up in fact, just completely sucked in by what I now know was a trap.

When the BU happened to quickly and coldly, I simply couldn't understand how someone could go from that kind of talk, to basically being completely cold to me so quickly. It didn't seem human and I was distraught.

After getting into therapy and finding out about BPD, it makes a whole lot more sense. But not easier, now I am filled with self doubt and guilt over how I didn't see it, why I wanted to believe something as ridiculous as intense love at first site. (i never believed in it before) I also know that this is a pattern she's repeated with probably every boyfriend, told them all the same thins, that I wasn't special at all, just who she was fixated on at that time. That hurts and has me questioning everything about myself.

I wish I never met her.

Wow this sounds all to firmilar... .its almost exactly the same as what i went through. What's sad is that deep down i knew this was to good to be true. I saw so many red flags but bought into the fairytale anyway. I am slowly starting to let myself off the hook for letting myself into this mess. I was depressed and lonely at the time and a cute girl 10 years younger than me was showing interest.

An exact duplicate experience for me. It is quite remarkable how their pathology directly targets our emotional center.

[Blimblam]

You know what Antony I thought about it more and a borderline is very much like a female psychopath although in my exs case was due to corruption.  Still the tactics and such they employ are much the same.  The disaster she has caused in my life and still to this day family think she's great and I am the problem. 

They love to say,"I don't know what's wrong with you." 

Next time I'll tell them I was dealing with a psychopath.

[BlackandBlue]

I'm buying this. I fell for her crap hook line and sinker. Loved me right away, was talking about marriage and kids right away. Idolized me. She never met someone like me or felt these feelings before. It was a whirlwind. Something magical finally happened to me. And I reciprocated. Ate it up in fact, just completely sucked in by what I now know was a trap.

I glad im not the only one that had things go down this way. I wonder if all of her previous relationships happened like this? This is hands down the hardest thing I've been through yet. I feel like i am making some progress but today has been a bad day. I dont know what made me think of something in particular she said when she was devaluing me but i did and it really has got me down.

When the BU happened to quickly and coldly, I simply couldn't understand how someone could go from that kind of talk, to basically being completely cold to me so quickly. It didn't seem human and I was distraught.

After getting into therapy and finding out about BPD, it makes a whole lot more sense. But not easier, now I am filled with self doubt and guilt over how I didn't see it, why I wanted to believe something as ridiculous as intense love at first site. (i never believed in it before) I also know that this is a pattern she's repeated with probably every boyfriend, told them all the same thins, that I wasn't special at all, just who she was fixated on at that time. That hurts and has me questioning everything about myself.

I wish I never met her.

Wow this sounds all to firmilar... .its almost exactly the same as what i went through. What's sad is that deep down i knew this was to good to be true. I saw so many red flags but bought into the fairytale anyway. I am slowly starting to let myself off the hook for letting myself into this mess. I was depressed and lonely at the time and a cute girl 10 years younger than me was showing interest.

An exact duplicate experience for me. It is quite remarkable how their pathology directly targets our emotional center.

[antjs]

You know what Antony I thought about it more and a borderline is very much like a female psychopath although in my exs case was due to corruption.  Still the tactics and such they employ are much the same.  The disaster she has caused in my life and still to this day family think she's great and I am the problem. 

They love to say,"I don't know what's wrong with you." 

Next time I'll tell them I was dealing with a psychopath.

yes exactly cause i can remember very well how it was obvious that things were intentional and prepared for during devaluation. during devaluation, she was starting to talk to her ex to emotionally abuse me and they were "special friends". so she was teasing and saying "my ex is inviting me to visit him in slovenia. he got a new house and he wants to show me around." at that stage i was aware what was going on and i was playing with her the game of who will win (unknown to me the catastrophe that i am going to feel in the upcoming months). so basically i said "well you know your break up with him was recent and i think the man needs some space. i know that you might be dealing with him as a friend but i think he is still attached. would not it better to allow him some space." her reply was "he is an old man and he should know what he is doing."

[hurting300]

Actually, Borderlines and Sociopaths can share many of the same behaviors. And don't say you wouldn't bond with a Sociopath . They can make a Borderline scream for forgiveness. They are the true evil. What you have to understand is it's the Cluster B disorder, they can overlap. My exBPD has Sociopathic traits, she is impulsive in different ways than other Borderlines. And Sociopaths can turn if abused enough in early years.

[maxen]

The problem is that what I've learned is has shaken me to my core, it feels like the beginning of a long journey that I do not wish to take at my age.

full disclosure: i'm 57! and and what happened to me violated me utterly and has also shaken me completely. but i have no choice. this is when it happened. i've had to scramble pretty desperately, and face things that i knew, but was suppressing. so it's that or sink into the insanity of bitterness.

do you have people around you with whom you can start to rebuild your life?

[Hope0807]

freedom 33,

What a great, memorable post!  I fluctuate deeply between aiming for compassion, but instead finding some strength to get through the day in righteous anger toward my exBPD.  You said what my thoughts struggle with daily.  WHY WHY WHY must I feel forced to feel compassion for someone who feels none toward me and demonstrates such cruel regard even for others, if they could only see past his false social charisma.  The word illness automatically attaches to our sense of humanity and compassion, yet so much of the BPD behaviors are evil, far beyond mean, far beyond an emotional dysregulation.  My ex has had seriously ill family members, friends in very bad places in life…and completely removed himself from them - felt and exhibited NO gesture of genuine compassion in their direction.  It made me sick.  He SEEMED so unbelievably kind…but DID NOT make the effort in any way.  On any given day, at any moment, all he did and said revolved around how it would benefit HIS needs, and ultimately, his needs only.  I didn't see all that while I was there, I see it clearly now.  I'll never forget the day he got a phone call that his old best friend (the one whom when we first started dating he referred to as the guy he'd take a bullet for) had attempted suicide more than once and was nearly successful this last time.  My ex didn't seem affected by this.  I barely knew the guy and found myself thinking about him constantly.  I began to question my ex about why he wasn't reaching out to him or at least driving over to visit and let the guy know he's cared for.  At one point I even had an in-depth discussion and ultimately asked my ex if his friend were to actually complete the act, would he (my ex) be able to live with the guilt of not having reached out at least once more to this once upon a time "best friend".  My ex never called, never visited, never reached out to that old best friend of his.  The best friend has reached out to me for insight as to why his old best friend and child's godparent has cut him so deeply without so much as an explanation. 

I haven't had the heart to try to explain any of the harsh reality of all this to that person.  Part of me feels it's not my place, another part of me feels like I would have paid my salary to someone who could provide insight into my ex before

Some good points on the issue of 'compassion'. I have caught myself playing the compassion card in my mind in the past just to avoid facing the plain facts that I have been played like a fool, deceived,  betrayed, hurt and abused.

The compassion card when its played this way it is done to put one in a position of questionable 'moral superiority' supporting maladaptive patterns thinking and of dealing with problems, sticking head in the sand and pretending that one is good and forgiving and kind and that will solve problems etc.

This is a symptom of a way of approaching the world, a maladaptive belief. There is actual genuine evil in the world and there is a purpose for it. If we were all good and compassionate the world would come to a standstill. Detachment is key.

Some people say that evil doesn't exist and evil is the absence of good. People that are too attached to their goodness which is actually weakness. Evil does exist in its own right. You can justify anyone's behaviours to explain the world this way if you have determined the outcome of your thinking process before you have even started it (which is poor other person x had it rough... .).

I have taken of the rose coloured glasses. Now I aim for peace but also be prepared for war and defend my basic rights as a human being. My life has value. The gift of the borderline to me is to have less fake compassion.