Maybe she isn't really BPD?

[love7513]

I feel so confused. After breaking  NC, I talked to her all week and she was very apologetic for everything she had put me through. She took responsibility for her actions (at least verbally) and it seemed like she really did and still does love me. She just says she cant stand up to her husband, cant leave bc of the kids, and cant leave bc of pressure from her family (they all want her to stay married and pretend to be straight so she wont be their lesbian daughter, sister, etc). Although she exhibited so many traits, now I am starting to wonder if she is really BPD or just afraid to live the life she wants to live (thats what she tells me). I wonder if she is just that enmeshed with her family and just cant stand up to them. She said since her daughter (15) didnt want the divorce and she would do anything for her daughter she would just have to stay with him even though she claims she doesnt love him. She says she loves me and she wants nothing more than to be with me. Im so confused. After a week of talking and asking me not to give up on her, I started to feel her pulling away last night. By this evening she wasnt talking to me and then she finally sent me a one word text... .it said "rescinded". A year ago she had filed for divorce and rescinded a few months later before the court date. This time he filed and they rescinded (meaning she agreed to rescind again too) two weeks later. Once she sent that text, she stopped texting or responding. I cant help but wonder, is she really BPD or just someone who is afraid to come out of the closet for real and live the life she wants? Im so confused. And i just want to believe all the things she said this week, that she really does love me and want to be with me but she is not strong enough to stand up to a controlling family and a husband who wants to hold on despite her affair with me and several seperations and her coming out as a lesbian. I know no one besides a therapist can diagnose her, but I just want to know the truth. Will I ever?

[Confused?]

I'm not trying to sound extremely negative here but I'm going to just throw my opinion out there considering you are looking for some sort of answer. My opinion would first start with a question that is "would you really want to be with someone that isn't faithful in a relationship?" For me it's a definate no but different strokes for different folks. Secondly if she truly didn't love her current husband and she is telling you the truth then I'm sure she would have said something by now to him if she wasn't BPD. That doesn't seem like the case considering they are still together. Sounds like classic back burner BPD bs to me.

I could be wrong but do you really want to sit there waiting for a woman that's married instead of getting on with your own life? Bpd or not the situation doesn't seem that good to me.

[Mutt]

After a week of talking and asking me not to give up on her, I started to feel her pulling away last night.

I'm sorry that you are feeling confused with her push / pull behavior. She is married and divorce is a very big decision and step to make. If she is BPD she's feeling engulfed from her husband and pulling away from him.

My ex wife is not diagnosed and it's not for me to diagnose her as such. I'm not a professional and there's a chance she may never seek help. I look at the behaviors. Are they toxic? Is it something that is healthy or does it make me feel bad? Do I accept these behaviors on the self?

Having said that, your relationship is real nonetheless and I'm sorry for to hear about the pain she is causing with saying one thing and doing another. That hurts  

[BacknthSaddle]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

See #3.  I was in a situation not totally dissimilar to yours.   When we are involved with a partner (BPD or otherwise) who is married, we ALWAYS believe that there is some "circumstance" that is causing them to stay married instead of to leave for us.  There is too much shame, the family would disapprove, the kids, etc.  We ALSO believe that there is some circumstance that makes it acceptable that we are involved with a married person: the husband is unloving or a jerk or abusive, or even the patient is closeted and doesn't really love the person involved.  If we didn't believe this, we wouldn't be able to cope with being involved with a married person. 

The truth is, though, that if a married person is involved with us, it is virtually NEVER about us and always about them and the marriage.  Let's say she really is closeted and really does want to leave the marriage (even though her actions suggest otherwise).  Not to be harsh, but: after a life of denying herself the kind of intimacy she has always wanted, do you really believe she is going to fall into a long-term monogamous relationship?  Does that seem likely? 

You are suffering through this.  I know: I was there as well.  I have come to realize that, while me ex almost certainly meant the things she said to me and about me in the moments she said them, the whole relationship (from her end) wasn't really about "me."  I was a tool to help her resolve internal conflicts that were present in her marriage, and when they were resolved (through divorce), I was discarded.  Believe me, I would have been much happier if she had just stayed with him forever, but then I wouldn't have learned this lesson.  We have a tendency when hurt to try to look for a reason that will make the whole thing easier, and a BPD diagnosis is one of those things.  But forget that for a moment and just think about what you're dealing with: a person who is stringing along TWO romantic partners, who is talking to a mistress about how she doesn't love the person who fathered her children, who is being profoundly unfaithful to someone to whom she dedicated her life.  There is no justification for this, no level of "confusion" that makes it acceptable.  The truth that you are looking for is not the one you need to know.  The truth you need to recognize is that this person is living her life in a very unhealthy way, and that is not the kind of person with whom you should be entrusting your happiness. 

[walksoftly]

Love 7513,

Wow, you are in love with a married woman. She is living a lie with her family while she is with you. Its deceitful on her part and yours as well. If she does in fact leave her family for you then you are in for a wild ride. 50 percent of first marriages end in divorce, an even higher percentage for second marriages and even higher if the marriage is based on infidelity and even higher if there is mental illness involved and even higher if there are children involved.

My question to you- why would you be a part of this deceit? its not cool.

[Mutt]

I understand and empathize with members that have been affected by infidelity in their marriages. It is painful when a sacred covenant and commitment has been broken.

I also understand how pwBPD have difficulties coping in a r/s and marriage. It is triggered by intimacy and from my experience, I went through a smear campaign. The other man was told distorted facts about myself and it triggered sympathy. He thought he was saving a woman that was being physically and emotionally abused. I can't control what someone else says or does.

I didn't know better and I didn't see a disorder that can be incredibly hard to detect because the acting out is triggered by said intimacy. Everyone's SO is different and our experiences are different

Whatever the reason may be for members on this board. I think is less significant than the painful experience of having been in a relationship with a mentally ill individual. The common denominator is that we all suffered tremendous pain and loss that leaves us depressed, traumatized and lost.

[walksoftly]

Mutt,

Amazing comments- where you in my home at the time of my divorce?

I suspect my BPD ex told my replacement many distorted stories about me. It was such an incredible betrayal -  Their relationship is based on infidelity and lies -  but he was going through his third messy divorce and in comes in this high functioning beautiful (on the outside) woman giving him attention. Hes not much to look at, is ten years older than her - I was shocked when I found out who she picked.

But today, for some reason (after 18 months) I feel really good. I think I over a large hump. Man... it takes time doesnt it?

Can we continue this conversation privately? I like what you had to say here... .very understanding.

[Mutt]

Mutt,

Amazing comments- where you in my home at the time of my divorce?

I suspect my BPD ex told my replacement many distorted stories about me. It was such an incredible betrayal -  Their relationship is based on infidelity and lies -  but he was going through his third messy divorce and in comes in this high functioning beautiful (on the outside) woman giving him attention. Hes not much to look at, is ten years older than her - I was shocked when I found out who she picked.

But today, for some reason (after 18 months) I feel really good. I think I over a large hump. Man... it takes time doesnt it?

Can we continue this conversation privately? I like what you had to say here... .very understanding.

Thank you walksoftly.

I agree it does take time. I'm at 17 months and I notice I feel happy.

I share a similar experience. Our experiences helps others in difficult circumstances and it helps to read and share. There's a lot of value from everyone's perspective. I'd be happy to join you in a thread on the boards. Create one and PM me and I'll chime in. How does that sound?

[walksoftly]

Hi Mutt,

Sounds great.