Do you ever feel sorry for your replacement?

[fred6]

Yeah, I do feel sorry for him. I met him briefly once and he's a 23 or 24-year-old kid (she's 35) who has NO idea what he's getting into. I have to admit that he seemed like a genuinely nice guy when I met him, but that's why I think that he's particularly doomed. I was the nice guy too.

My exBPD really tries to keep me from knowing about her new supplies and seems horrified when I do find out about them.

Part of me wouldn't mind getting to know the guy... .so that we can trade horror stories. Ha!

Well I was the nice guy. I mean, some people describe me as a cynical ass. But all in all, I was very good to my exBPDgf and took care of her. So since we know that BPD's chew up and spit out us nice and caring type people. He new supply looks kind of like someone that would slap their woman around and be verbally abusive. He's in the honeymoon period right now, so he's probably on his best behavior to keep getting in her pants. But what happens when she starts the devaluation on a verbally and/or physically abusive type partner? What will both of their reactions be? She acts tough, but I wonder if she would actually fight back or leave that type of partner or just cower in the fetal position?

[tim_tom]

Tim Tom... mine did EXACTLY the same thing! We were just friends at first... but that started to change... .I told her I would not date her if she was living with someone. I KNOW that she did the same thing to me after living with me for five years.  She had to make sure that she had the new supply "hooked" before she moved out.  I had no evidence that there was another person (and I am not jealous or suspicious by nature)... .but I just knew that she did not have the wherewithall to move out on her own... so I knew that something stank... .real bad.   She had sex with me right up to the day she ran off to her new supply.  I just do not fathom pwBPD. They are selfish and souless.  It is really sad. It is also extremely painful for us.

I do not wonder if my replacement took the same stand... .I am sure that he did.

yep friends first too, and she pursued me like a lioness pursues a wounded buffalo. Never told me about the live in BF until I was hooked. I steadfastly refused repeated attempts to take her out on a date. I can feel good about that.

But also bad that I choose to ignore that I had a fickle cheater on my hands, until it happened to me. The ego is a funny thing. She told me I was just amazing and special, and I bought it... cause I wanted to

[goldylamont]

new supply looks kind of like someone that would slap their woman around and be verbally abusive. He's in the honeymoon period right now, so he's probably on his best behavior to keep getting in her pants. But what happens when she starts the devaluation on a verbally and/or physically abusive type partner? What will both of their reactions be? She acts tough, but I wonder if she would actually fight back or leave that type of partner or just cower in the fetal position?

i could see it seeming this way on the outside, that he could be this kind of guy. i would doubt it though. it's possible he's got violent tendencies, but really we have to recognize our exes are survivors. i think they have a way of qualifying who they pursue so they know when they abuse them that they won't get physically attacked in retaliation. they could get caught up in a r/s with a violent npd, not unheard of. but the vast majorities of the stories i read pwBPD tend to get with people who don't dish out the same level of abuse. also i think they start letting out the 'bad side' slowly, kind of testing the waters to see how much they can get away with... .if he were the violent type she might sense this before it got to this point and start seeking elsewhere. this is all conjecture of course.

[goldylamont]

Tim Tom... mine did EXACTLY the same thing! We were just friends at first... but that started to change... .I told her I would not date her if she was living with someone. I KNOW that she did the same thing to me after living with me for five years.  She had to make sure that she had the new supply "hooked" before she moved out.  I had no evidence that there was another person (and I am not jealous or suspicious by nature)... .but I just knew that she did not have the wherewithall to move out on her own... so I knew that something stank... .real bad.   She had sex with me right up to the day she ran off to her new supply.  I just do not fathom pwBPD. They are selfish and souless.  It is really sad. It is also extremely painful for us.

I do not wonder if my replacement took the same stand... .I am sure that he did.

yep friends first too, and she pursued me like a lioness pursues a wounded buffalo. Never told me about the live in BF until I was hooked. I steadfastly refused repeated attempts to take her out on a date. I can feel good about that.

But also bad that I choose to ignore that I had a fickle cheater on my hands, until it happened to me. The ego is a funny thing. She told me I was just amazing and special, and I bought it... cause I wanted to

from what i can tell, my ex started seeing the next guy after i broke up with her. i don't doubt she would have cheated, now, but i think i caught her off guard before she could try. still, we were living together and sleeping in the same bed still, broken up about 4-6 weeks when she changed her r/s status on fb to 'in a r/s' with this guy; unbeknownst to me--i found out with a flurry of messages from friends who didn't realize that we had even broken up yet. ultimately this didn't make me hate the guy because i knew he was being manipulated and lied to, but i did kind of see him as a tool for allowing her to call the shots like this. my ex and i didn't even talk about r/s status until we had been dating 3 or 4 months in, he got bagged in 2 weeks and she dumped him in 4 months... .

[fred6]

new supply looks kind of like someone that would slap their woman around and be verbally abusive. He's in the honeymoon period right now, so he's probably on his best behavior to keep getting in her pants. But what happens when she starts the devaluation on a verbally and/or physically abusive type partner? What will both of their reactions be? She acts tough, but I wonder if she would actually fight back or leave that type of partner or just cower in the fetal position?

i could see it seeming this way on the outside, that he could be this kind of guy. i would doubt it though. it's possible he's got violent tendencies, but really we have to recognize our exes are survivors. i think they have a way of qualifying who they pursue so they know when they abuse them that they won't get physically attacked in retaliation. they could get caught up in a r/s with a violent npd, not unheard of. but the vast majorities of the stories i read pwBPD tend to get with people who don't dish out the same level of abuse. also i think they start letting out the 'bad side' slowly, kind of testing the waters to see how much they can get away with... .if he were the violent type she might sense this before it got to this point and start seeking elsewhere. this is all conjecture of course.

I do see what you are saying, however her and her family have told me that she has been in 2-3 abusive relationships in the past. She's the type that doesn't back down from people, or at least acts like it when she goes all fruity and rages. Hell, her son told me that he saw her actually start a fight  with his father and jumped on his back and started punching him in the head until he grabbed her by the neck and body slammed her on the ground. The BPD in her always portrayed him as the abusive one, but her son told me that she was crazy and to blame for much of it. Some abusive type guys don't put up with all that lying, cheating, and bullsh|t. If she says to the wrong guy, some of the hurtful things that she has said to me. I could see her getting cracked in the head. Hell, she's got plenty of scars from previous relationships to prove it.  

[tim_tom]

from what i can tell, my ex started seeing the next guy after i broke up with her. i don't doubt she would have cheated, now, but i think i caught her off guard before she could try. still, we were living together and sleeping in the same bed still, broken up about 4-6 weeks when she changed her r/s status on fb to 'in a r/s' with this guy; unbeknownst to me--i found out with a flurry of messages from friends who didn't realize that we had even broken up yet. ultimately this didn't make me hate the guy because i knew he was being manipulated and lied to, but i did kind of see him as a tool for allowing her to call the shots like this. my ex and i didn't even talk about r/s status until we had been dating 3 or 4 months in, he got bagged in 2 weeks and she dumped him in 4 months... .

Yeah, I don't know if she started up yet. I don't even have confirmation that she met someone but I know it.

Mine went to visit her parents for a few days, on the second day, she stayed out till very late, and didn't call till she got back to her folks and sent 0 texts (normally she called on the way home and texted the whole time).  I am assuming this is when she met her new prince. Given how fast she fell for me, I assume it was the same here. the next 2 days were the same, although with limited contact through the day. And by the 5th day she had split me black and ended it over the phone. Instantly everything about me and our life together she hated. Even things she had loved only day ago. It was whirlwind and I lost some of my sanity that day

[Infared]

Tim Tom... mine did EXACTLY the same thing! We were just friends at first... but that started to change... .I told her I would not date her if she was living with someone. I KNOW that she did the same thing to me after living with me for five years.  She had to make sure that she had the new supply "hooked" before she moved out.  I had no evidence that there was another person (and I am not jealous or suspicious by nature)... .but I just knew that she did not have the wherewithall to move out on her own... so I knew that something stank... .real bad.   She had sex with me right up to the day she ran off to her new supply.  I just do not fathom pwBPD. They are selfish and souless.  It is really sad. It is also extremely painful for us.

I do not wonder if my replacement took the same stand... .I am sure that he did.

yep friends first too, and she pursued me like a lioness pursues a wounded buffalo. Never told me about the live in BF until I was hooked. I steadfastly refused repeated attempts to take her out on a date. I can feel good about that.

But also bad that I choose to ignore that I had a fickle cheater on my hands, until it happened to me. The ego is a funny thing. She told me I was just amazing and special, and I bought it... cause I wanted to

Yeah... .I was foolish enough to think that it would be all different with me. Gulp.

[Pingo]

I do feel sorry for her (although I have no idea who it is) and I do wonder how I would feel or what I would say if I ran into them.  I fantasise that I'd tell her to run, run far away.  Or be careful.  I would want to warn her!  But in actuality it probably would make no difference.  He is too charming in the beginning for her to see anything but a sweet man. 

I lived with a man 20 years ago who I affectionately refer to as "Psycho Mike"... .Looking back he was most definitely BPD.  He made my life hell and I moved 3000 miles to get away from him.  After all that, I had a good friend who married him!  And then had a child with him & he left her before the baby was born.  Let's just say she has told me more than a few times how much she regrets not believing what I went through! 

[walksoftly]

Mi ex BPD left me for another man- she had a year long affair while she was with me... .. THAT takes awhile to get over !

But the stats make me feel better:

50% of first marriages end in divorce

67% of second marriages end in divorce

77% of third marriages end in divorce.

Marriages based on infidelity have a 7 to 10% chance of surviving.

Throw in BPD to the mix?

Shes in her third marriage with him (or soon to be)

Hes going through his third messy divorce.

And of course our split was messy,

[Blimblam]

Yeah, I do feel sorry for him. I met him briefly once and he's a 23 or 24-year-old kid (she's 35) who has NO idea what he's getting into. I have to admit that he seemed like a genuinely nice guy when I met him, but that's why I think that he's particularly doomed. I was the nice guy too.

My exBPD really tries to keep me from knowing about her new supplies and seems horrified when I do find out about them.

Part of me wouldn't mind getting to know the guy... .so that we can trade horror stories. Ha!

Well I was the nice guy. I mean, some people describe me as a cynical ass. But all in all, I was very good to my exBPDgf and took care of her. So since we know that BPD's chew up and spit out us nice and caring type people. He new supply looks kind of like someone that would slap their woman around and be verbally abusive. He's in the honeymoon period right now, so he's probably on his best behavior to keep getting in her pants. But what happens when she starts the devaluation on a verbally and/or physically abusive type partner? What will both of their reactions be? She acts tough, but I wonder if she would actually fight back or leave that type of partner or just cower in the fetal position?

It depends in the borderline and their screening process.  But if a borderline enters a relationship like that I don't think they will leave it.  It will end when the person abusing them decides it's too much for them to handle or they get bored. 

My ex tried to turn me into an abuser to fit in with her victim role. It is not who I wanted to be. This upset her if I had taken the role she gave me in the drama she would have found another rescuer destroyed him but in the end stayed with me. And when she painted that rescuer black she would have painted me white again and things would have gone back to idealization. 

[fred6]

Yeah, I do feel sorry for him. I met him briefly once and he's a 23 or 24-year-old kid (she's 35) who has NO idea what he's getting into. I have to admit that he seemed like a genuinely nice guy when I met him, but that's why I think that he's particularly doomed. I was the nice guy too.

My exBPD really tries to keep me from knowing about her new supplies and seems horrified when I do find out about them.

Part of me wouldn't mind getting to know the guy... .so that we can trade horror stories. Ha!

Well I was the nice guy. I mean, some people describe me as a cynical ass. But all in all, I was very good to my exBPDgf and took care of her. So since we know that BPD's chew up and spit out us nice and caring type people. He new supply looks kind of like someone that would slap their woman around and be verbally abusive. He's in the honeymoon period right now, so he's probably on his best behavior to keep getting in her pants. But what happens when she starts the devaluation on a verbally and/or physically abusive type partner? What will both of their reactions be? She acts tough, but I wonder if she would actually fight back or leave that type of partner or just cower in the fetal position?

It depends in the borderline and their screening process.  But if a borderline enters a relationship like that I don't think they will leave it.  It will end when the person abusing them decides it's too much for them to handle or they get bored. 

My ex tried to turn me into an abuser to fit in with her victim role. It is not who I wanted to be. This upset her if I had taken the role she gave me in the drama she would have found another rescuer destroyed him but in the end stayed with me. And when she painted that rescuer black she would have painted me white again and things would have gone back to idealization. 

Interesting take.

[goldylamont]

i definitely felt like my ex wanted me to physically abuse her. just enough so that she could justify how she felt about me. i just feel so, so fortunate that none of this ever happened.

the whole ordeal kind of changed how i look at domestic abuse. because a man who physically assaults his woman is terrible, and if he has a pd it's downright scary and dangerous. still, i wonder how many men who succumb to this started out as well meaning individuals and then lost it and turned into what their partners always saw them as... .i don't like thinking this way but my experience has taught me it's possible.

[walksoftly]

Oh yes,

My BPD ex would throw things at me in the beginning, then I would hug her and tell her everything was going to be ok. I felt so incredibly sorry for her; she was bulimic and so incredibly anxious all the time. I wanted to save her- I wanted to do everything for her.  In the end the violence started again with verbal abuse, smashing my awards, kicking, punching, scratching. In the lst eight months of our ten year relationship she was eating salad for dinner and power bars for lunch. She was always incredibly angry - when you starve yourself you go into survival mode and you do become very combative.

[Mr Hollande]

i definitely felt like my ex wanted me to physically abuse her. just enough so that she could justify how she felt about me. i just feel so, so fortunate that none of this ever happened.

the whole ordeal kind of changed how i look at domestic abuse. because a man who physically assaults his woman is terrible, and if he has a pd it's downright scary and dangerous. still, i wonder how many men who succumb to this started out as well meaning individuals and then lost it and turned into what their partners always saw them as... .i don't like thinking this way but my experience has taught me it's possible.

A solicitor I know told me that of the hundreds of divorce settlements he's dealt with where physical abuse was part of the picture it wasn't unusual that the man had been subjected to incredible levels of provocation.

There is a book called Prone To Violence that gives credence to what my solicitor friend said.

[Pingo]

i definitely felt like my ex wanted me to physically abuse her. just enough so that she could justify how she felt about me. i just feel so, so fortunate that none of this ever happened.

the whole ordeal kind of changed how i look at domestic abuse. because a man who physically assaults his woman is terrible, and if he has a pd it's downright scary and dangerous. still, i wonder how many men who succumb to this started out as well meaning individuals and then lost it and turned into what their partners always saw them as... .i don't like thinking this way but my experience has taught me it's possible.

Goldylamont, I have done a lot of reading about domestic abuse and abusers have core values or beliefs of entitlement, superiority & centrality.  I think people can do some crazy things when pushed hard enough but I don't think that makes one an abuser.  The fact is you didn't let it happen.

[Popcorn71]

I don't feel sorry for the replacement.  She made the choice to go with a married man.  She knew from the start that he is a liar.  She deserves all she gets.  From what I have seen of her, I think he may have met his match.  Maybe they both have what they deserve now