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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: What do you think the most injurious part of a BPD relationship is?  (Read 6985 times)
purpleavocado
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« Reply #30 on: September 29, 2014, 11:42:11 AM »

I think for me it was constantly twisting myself into a pretzel to conform to what she wanted, only to be told that I wasn't doing enough, I "didn't put her first," and a bunch of other asinine bull. That, and her stalking me and making accusations.

Wow.  Yes.  The accusation of being selfish and irresponsible after making a truly heroic effort to conform to their needs is really a slap in the face, isn't it?  I did all the hosework, then the errands and tasks he needed me to do for his work, even when he could easily do them himself, only to be yelled at when I'd be less than cheerful when carrying out the tasks he'd assigned.  And then told I'm a selfish and irresponsible and the failure of our relationship is entirely my fault, for failing to understand him and support him enough.  Even if I know it's irational, the guilt was crippling, still is from time to time.

Wow, I could have typed that word for word... .I think you were with the male version of my ex! It took me a long time to let go of all of that guilt, well, I'm still working on it, but it will happen. The housework thing really burned me. She did less and less until it was nothing at all, except temper tantrums when I didn't throw a parade of happiness while doing it all.

Just remember the guilt is a misdirected emotion when it comes to them, because we have nothing to be guilty about. 
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« Reply #31 on: September 29, 2014, 12:37:57 PM »

For me it's the feeling that you have a perfect relationship and it could be something that would last forever, and suddenly BAM, she thinks you are not right for her and that the relationship wasn't a big deal.

I never had a person hurt me this bad.

Yes, even with the red flags. The sudden and abrupt end, with little to no communication about it. The "I have to fix myself, I can't be in a relationship right now, maybe never" and "sex means nothing to me". Well if she can't be in a relationship and she hates sex. Why is she sleeping with dude down the street while I sit on the sofa and watch her leave and come back the next morning? I know what you mean Bak86, I've never been treated this bad by anyone in my life. But hey, at least when I said, "I love you, I'm sorry for whatever I did to cause this". Multiple times she has said, "I love you too, you haven't done anything wrong". Thinking to myself, "What the effing fcuk does that mean you damn nut job"?
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« Reply #32 on: September 29, 2014, 01:29:23 PM »

That they absolutely dont care. Next please... .
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« Reply #33 on: September 29, 2014, 04:36:07 PM »

The affect it has had on my children (his step children).  I can see positive aspects of all my wounds as I can grow and heal but the hurt they have suffered from this break up and also just the ridiculous behaviour they saw throughout the r/s.  I feel terribly guilty for their wounds.
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« Reply #34 on: September 29, 2014, 05:14:49 PM »

The affect it has had on my children (his step children).  I can see positive aspects of all my wounds as I can grow and heal but the hurt they have suffered from this break up and also just the ridiculous behaviour they saw throughout the r/s.  I feel terribly guilty for their wounds.

yes, mine too. They weren't allowed to even mention their mother without her reacting jealously and creating tension
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« Reply #35 on: September 29, 2014, 05:25:26 PM »

For me it's the feeling that you have a perfect relationship and it could be something that would last forever, and suddenly BAM, she thinks you are not right for her and that the relationship wasn't a big deal.

I never had a person hurt me this bad.

Yes, even with the red flags. The sudden and abrupt end, with little to no communication about it. The "I have to fix myself, I can't be in a relationship right now, maybe never" and "sex means nothing to me". Well if she can't be in a relationship and she hates sex. Why is she sleeping with dude down the street while I sit on the sofa and watch her leave and come back the next morning? I know what you mean Bak86, I've never been treated this bad by anyone in my life. But hey, at least when I said, "I love you, I'm sorry for whatever I did to cause this". Multiple times she has said, "I love you too, you haven't done anything wrong". Thinking to myself, "What the effing fcuk does that mean you damn nut job"?

Right you are. I took blame for everything. She would rage, my fault. She would hit me with the You better treat me special, or youll lose me speech, i would be on my best behavior. Strung along afraid to make waves. Thanked god i had a house to go back to!
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #36 on: September 29, 2014, 05:31:05 PM »

There's a long list. For me, the thing that hurt the most was his dishonesty. When things didn't add up, I'd ask him about it and I was fed another lie. (I'd sort of scratch my head thinking am I really seeing/experiencing this? I think I am but he says I'm not.) The realization that I'd been lied to, all for his personal gain, was so painful. As the months went by after the b/u, it all came into focus. That clarity hurt like heck.
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« Reply #37 on: September 29, 2014, 10:25:44 PM »

I feel like she just used me. I don`t know if she ever really loved me or if the whole relationship was about her getting her needs met. the push and pull. when she would get triggered how she turned into the devil.
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #38 on: September 29, 2014, 10:56:50 PM »

Most injurious part?

#1 for me is how incredibly confusing the relationship was. The tantrums, the no-win situations, and then the passionate romance and wedding planning. It boggles the mind, which is why 4 years later, though I'm pretty much over it, still makes me wonder what the heck happened and who she even is/was and if she even has any idea.

#2, also incredibly confusing, is how someone who once was so over the top in love with me, just moves on and I find out just how incredibly difficult it is to even have normal communication with this person.

#3 the time spent learning the lessons from a r/s with a pwBPD rather than enjoying life and a possible much healthier relationship... .I know I won't ever make a trip down Borderline Lane again (at least not the Waif).
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« Reply #39 on: September 30, 2014, 12:02:25 AM »

I feel like she just used me. I don`t know if she ever really loved me or if the whole relationship was about her getting her needs met. the push and pull. when she would get triggered how she turned into the devil.

AJR: this thought haunts me and wounds me the most, I think. I trusted him regardless of a VERY checkered past and 5 marriages: one woman he married twice. He had a history of conning women and stealing from women who trusted him. Why did I think I would be any different? All of my friends, colleagues, T's and family think he TOTALLY used me in every way: it's almost impossible to believe. But I think it's time for acceptance... .
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« Reply #40 on: September 30, 2014, 12:42:02 AM »

The gas lighting. Definately the gas lighting.  It is so subtle often times. Eventually they get everyone in on it and then your screwed
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« Reply #41 on: September 30, 2014, 02:13:46 AM »

Yeah, gaslighting for me too, which includes projecting. The blame was/is smothering. It's getting some better, but I feel I have PTSD from all this crap. Plus, I feel even though he isn't coming out and blaming, he still feels, and thinks it. It's like he's fed me such a steady diet of it, that MY brain now supplies it to me.

His anger and rages were awful too, and what obviously needed to stop the most for me to stay in this marriage, but I still feel his gaslighting, and blame did the most damage. I never really believed it, but I did spend a lot of time questioning myself, and I think I've taken on a couple of his BPD traits, which I'm now working on(I threaten to be done, which I hated how he did that to me for three years, the difference being, I really do partially want this, but I still need to stop doing it). So yeah, threats were hard to live with too, but I'd have to say gaslighting is the worst. It's cruel because you question your own reality.
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Duped11years

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« Reply #42 on: September 30, 2014, 09:38:23 AM »

Gaslighting, hands down. I had never experienced anything like it before in my life and didnt know how to respond to it. Early in our 11 yr rs I would read her back a stream of texts, when she was in a more lucid moment, trying to explain what/where things went wrong. A fool's errand. I stopped doing that & put up with it over the years not knowing the progressive damage those episodes were having on me.   

Strange enough, before my recent NC, I resurrected the text-reading tactic to try to explain my intent, not her interpretation. This only made it worse & what I experienced then was the gaslighting equivalant to a fireworks show grand finale. My reaction was an angry uncontrolled rage that resulted in my screaming that I had enough & hung up. My reaction is embarassing, frankly, & the worst part is that she walks away believing I'M the crazy one. A quote I saw said "... The gaslighting behaviors of the (BPD) provide a recipe for the so-called 'nervous breakdown' for (the recipient)... .". Thats it. I recall sitting in my car in the winter listening to her gaslight rants & my window would steam from the heat/moisture my body gave off from the overwhelming anxiety I felt just sitting there. Sweating, deep breathing, shaking: Panic. Years of going through this weekly (more so near the end) has changed me... .Im a 51, a VP of a corporation, & I replay my behavior/reaction from our last encounter & think "Who is that guy?".  Some friends & family have said, in various forms, "We want the old (my name) back". Im not the person I used to be, & 11 yrs of her gaslighting abuse has taken its toll. Hopefully its reversible 
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« Reply #43 on: September 30, 2014, 09:44:48 AM »

The ups and downs? The devaluation? The verbal abuse/silent treatment? The quick departure/rebound? Cheating? (if it applies)

For my money it's the post breakup coldness/blame game...

Here I am dealing with the ego bruise of being dumped +  dealing with missing someone I loved very much who departed suddenly

Adding the shame/guilt associated with being told I caused all of it is just inhumane.  Like I don't have enough to worry about!  Mix in the coldness of being painted the darkest black and treated like I am a minor acquaintance in her life, rather then someone she spent the last 16 months with.

Finish it off with gaslighting where I am forced to question my own memory of events, my own sanity and it makes it very hard to cope with it all.

For a gaslighting example, my ex loved to spend money. Encouraged for me to take a promotion (strongly, told me I was crazy if I didn't and nagged about it for weeks)  I was leery about the promotion and didn't say yes right away. This ultimate started the chain reaction that was the demise of our relationship. When discussed now, she actually tells me she didn't want me to take this job, that I cared only about money and all that was important to her was our connection. WTH! One of us was seriously disassociating, and while my thinking mind knows it was her, my emotional being has doubts. CRUEL!

for me it's the loneliness
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freedom33
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« Reply #44 on: September 30, 2014, 10:04:40 AM »

Some friends & family have said, in various forms, "We want the old (my name) back". Im not the person I used to be, & 11 yrs of her gaslighting abuse has taken its toll. Hopefully its reversible 

My friends and family have said the same to me. It is reversible but a big part of us inevitably dies in a rs with a pwBPD. BPD = purgatory. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I am slowly coming back to my old/new self. Hang in there.
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« Reply #45 on: September 30, 2014, 10:41:00 AM »

Thats what my family said, "I want you back."

I spent ten years with my BPD wife - sacrificed myself, lost myself - There were great times and then her mother died and WHAMMO!
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« Reply #46 on: September 30, 2014, 10:46:14 AM »

Like most of us here, I can relate to the irrationality, the blame, the guilt.

It still just blows my mind that some people's story is identical to mine.

But I think sticking with NC can get me over those things.

I worry about the injury to my kids and how they will be affected down the

road, especially adulthood.

I will never get over love/hate. I have tried to read and understand, but I just don't

get it. It felt like love... .and it felt like hate. Sometimes only minutes apart.The hate

seems to get the better of it tho,maybe that tells me something. Idk.

I worry the next time  I hear the I love You words... .Ima either heading for the hills, or

I am going to fall head over hills.

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« Reply #47 on: September 30, 2014, 12:03:00 PM »

I change my vote... .

It's the push pull, most specifically the Idolization phase.

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to and exhibits such deep and powerful love can then be so freaken indifferent.

The worst thing is that I remember the first time she pulled away, it was in our second month. She was asking about my ex wife, like she always did, I gave an answer she didn't like and Whammo... .Completely indifferent... I broke down and cried, and was ignored... So cold... I was married and divorced to someone with bipolar who was much more directly verbally abusive, and I never once broke down like I did that night. I remember feeling how could this person who says we are soulmates be treating me like this. It was so cold and cruel, and unfortunately a predictor of what was to come. If I only knew

I still think about that night, I remember contemplating leaving her apartment. Man i wish i did.
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walksoftly
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« Reply #48 on: September 30, 2014, 12:07:35 PM »

I ended up int the hospital for the night for anxiety -  I couldnt belive what was happening-it was a total shock.

My ex's response was " be a man you are pitiful!"

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christoff522
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« Reply #49 on: September 30, 2014, 01:03:01 PM »

I change my vote... .

It's the push pull, most specifically the Idolization phase.

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to and exhibits such deep and powerful love can then be so freaken indifferent.

The worst thing is that I remember the first time she pulled away, it was in our second month. She was asking about my ex wife, like she always did, I gave an answer she didn't like and Whammo... .Completely indifferent... I broke down and cried, and was ignored... So cold... I was married and divorced to someone with bipolar who was much more directly verbally abusive, and I never once broke down like I did that night. I remember feeling how could this person who says we are soulmates be treating me like this. It was so cold and cruel, and unfortunately a predictor of what was to come. If I only knew

I still think about that night, I remember contemplating leaving her apartment. Man i wish i did.

I've read that when a BPD feels emotions like love, it causes them to pull away as it triggers all their childhood emotions. When she asked you about your ex-wife, it would have triggered an actual, real, human emotion instead of the pretend honeymoon stuff. It would have terrified her, and she would begin to pull away.

Oh and I was mine's soul mate too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #50 on: September 30, 2014, 01:25:14 PM »

For me it has depended on the type of BPD I’ve dealt with.


My DxBPDw was the prototypical person with BPD.  Her BPD presented itself with rage, depression, addiction, splitting, verbal and emotional abuse, suicide attempts, twisted thinking and logic. 

The most damaging, longest lasting impacts were:

1.   Emotional unavailability – I shut down my emotions just to survive and stayed that way after she left.  I was not really aware of this until recently and now I am having to work to experience and accept my own emotions again.  My lack of emotional availability hurt my relationships with friends and my ex-gf, well after my ex-wife had moved out.

2.   Isolation - when things got bad with her, I began to isolate from friends and family, because I was ashamed to let them know of her crazy behavior or to let them see it.  I was very isolated for 5 years and now I find myself with minimal social life and having to rebuild friendships and find new ones. 

3.   Self-esteem – if you hear, day in and day out, that you are unlovable, incompetent, stupid, careless, insensitive, too sensitive, controlling, weak, unattractive, etc.  then you eventually begin to internalize some of it and believe it. 

I was relieved and happy when she left.  I was not shell shocked at the end of the relationship.  I am working on coming back from of all this however, two years after the divorce.


My UxBPDgf was what the literature refers to as a high-functioning or transparent BPD.  Honestly, it wasn’t until after the breakup of our two year relationship that I could look back at the behavior and see the red flags.

Because our relationship was so unlike the one with my ex-wife, I thought I had truly found my soul mate and that life going forward would be so much better.  Like so many of us here, the most damaging impacts came from her leaving me suddenly and with little explanation or closure. 

1.   Codependent behaviors - She moved on fast and is currently with the replacement.  That really hit my self-esteem for a while and triggered all sorts of codependent behaviors (controlling, fear of “not being good enough”, lavishing gifts on her to keep her engaged, obsessive thinking, etc.).

2.   Depression - The end of my dream of having a stable, intelligent, beautiful, talented equal partner and a loving mother for my three kids came to a screeching halt and I find myself a bit directionless.

3.   Walking on eggshells – while we rarely fought, I know that I would tend to her needs much more than my own.  I often pushed my needs and emotions aside in order to keep her happy, reinforcing my own deeper codependent traits.


I also need to say that I believe good things come from bad circumstances.  After the breakup with my UxBPDgf, I had to step back and ask myself:

“What led me to get into back-to-back, long term relationships with women with BPD?  What attracted me to them and how can I avoid these painful relationships in the future?”

Answer:  ME.

I have now gone back to therapy and I have joined a codependents support group.  I am educating myself about myself, dealing with long standing issues, and learning new ways to live.  I am committed to being healthier and having healthy relationships in the future.  I am getting better and my children have said they can already see a change in me.  I am also focusing on them, since they too have not escaped unscathed by living with their BPD mother for so many years.

The future is coming and it holds promise.

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« Reply #51 on: September 30, 2014, 01:28:03 PM »

I ended up int the hospital for the night for anxiety -  I couldnt belive what was happening-it was a total shock.

My ex's response was " be a man you are pitiful!"

We dated for two years.  Even when she abruptly left, she hadn't painted me black completely.  But the moment I pleaded with her to stay and work on the relationship, she painted me black, seeing me as weak, pitiful, dysfunctional.

I am sorry you ended up in the hospital walksoftly.  I am sorry that in your pain she was so empty of empathy and so emotionally abusive.
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« Reply #52 on: September 30, 2014, 01:30:14 PM »

I change my vote... .

It's the push pull, most specifically the Idolization phase.

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to and exhibits such deep and powerful love can then be so freaken indifferent.

The worst thing is that I remember the first time she pulled away, it was in our second month. She was asking about my ex wife, like she always did, I gave an answer she didn't like and Whammo... .Completely indifferent... I broke down and cried, and was ignored... So cold... I was married and divorced to someone with bipolar who was much more directly verbally abusive, and I never once broke down like I did that night. I remember feeling how could this person who says we are soulmates be treating me like this. It was so cold and cruel, and unfortunately a predictor of what was to come. If I only knew

I still think about that night, I remember contemplating leaving her apartment. Man i wish i did.

I've read that when a BPD feels emotions like love, it causes them to pull away as it triggers all their childhood emotions. When she asked you about your ex-wife, it would have triggered an actual, real, human emotion instead of the pretend honeymoon stuff. It would have terrified her, and she would begin to pull away.

Oh and I was mine's soul mate too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I think real intimacy and genuine love (as opposed to feeling "in love" is what they cannot cope with.  If you are too close, they feel engulfed and (from what I understand) they feel like they are losing themselves in the relationship and feel controlled.  Then comes the push-pull or the downright abandonment.
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« Reply #53 on: September 30, 2014, 01:36:48 PM »

That was one of the last things she through at me as I begged her to take me back... .Your not over your ex! She knew what mine had done. Jeez... .She's the one who stalked her ex on FB, Instagram and Vine during our year and 1/2 relationship. Not me. I only had to deal with my ex when I dropped the kids off. They are so devious placing the blame... .
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« Reply #54 on: September 30, 2014, 01:44:13 PM »

I change my vote... .

It's the push pull, most specifically the Idolization phase.

It is so hard to reconcile how someone who claims to and exhibits such deep and powerful love can then be so freaken indifferent.

The worst thing is that I remember the first time she pulled away, it was in our second month. She was asking about my ex wife, like she always did, I gave an answer she didn't like and Whammo... .Completely indifferent... I broke down and cried, and was ignored... So cold... I was married and divorced to someone with bipolar who was much more directly verbally abusive, and I never once broke down like I did that night. I remember feeling how could this person who says we are soulmates be treating me like this. It was so cold and cruel, and unfortunately a predictor of what was to come. If I only knew

I still think about that night, I remember contemplating leaving her apartment. Man i wish i did.

I've read that when a BPD feels emotions like love, it causes them to pull away as it triggers all their childhood emotions. When she asked you about your ex-wife, it would have triggered an actual, real, human emotion instead of the pretend honeymoon stuff. It would have terrified her, and she would begin to pull away.

Oh and I was mine's soul mate too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

I think real intimacy and genuine love (as opposed to feeling "in love" is what they cannot cope with.  If you are too close, they feel engulfed and (from what I understand) they feel like they are losing themselves in the relationship and feel controlled.  Then comes the push-pull or the downright abandonment.

I believe this as well. It was getting too serious for her. Push/pull began, i didn't back off, so she ended it.

After our breakup when i asked for closure, she told me she simply never reached the "love" stage. She just had fun, but that was it. Complete bull___.
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« Reply #55 on: September 30, 2014, 01:46:12 PM »



Like most of us here, I can relate to the irrationality, the blame, the guilt.

It still just blows my mind that some people's story is identical to mine.

But I think sticking with NC can get me over those things.

I worry about the injury to my kids and how they will be affected down the

road, especially adulthood.

I will never get over love/hate. I have tried to read and understand, but I just don't

get it. It felt like love... .and it felt like hate. Sometimes only minutes apart.The hate

seems to get the better of it tho,maybe that tells me something. Idk.

I worry the next time  I hear the I love You words from another woman... .Ima either heading for the hills, or

I am going to fall head over hills.

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JonnyKrunch

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« Reply #56 on: September 30, 2014, 01:47:52 PM »

Like most of us here, I can relate to the irrationality, the blame, the guilt.

It still just blows my mind that some people's story is identical to mine.

sorry for multiple posts... .accident
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« Reply #57 on: September 30, 2014, 02:38:21 PM »

I've read that when a BPD feels emotions like love, it causes them to pull away as it triggers all their childhood emotions. When she asked you about your ex-wife, it would have triggered an actual, real, human emotion instead of the pretend honeymoon stuff. It would have terrified her, and she would begin to pull away.

Oh and I was mine's soul mate too.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Always asked about my ex, wouldn't take no for an answer when I tried to say this isn't good to talk about (she'd get mad and withdraw- what kind of relationship do we have if you have secrets)

Then when I did talk about it she'd get mad anyway, and use it against me later

One of many frequent no win situations
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« Reply #58 on: September 30, 2014, 06:53:36 PM »

Some friends & family have said, in various forms, "We want the old (my name) back". Im not the person I used to be, & 11 yrs of her gaslighting abuse has taken its toll. Hopefully its reversible 

My friends and family have said the same to me. It is reversible but a big part of us inevitably dies in a rs with a pwBPD. BPD = purgatory. That's not necessarily a bad thing. I am slowly coming back to my old/new self. Hang in there.

I don't think I will ever be the same.
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« Reply #59 on: September 30, 2014, 07:18:58 PM »

Splitting of course. Gaslighting she a master at it after 62 years.  

The worst is the part were she wants you back and you fall for it listening to how badly she needs you , the tears, what you mean to her, and we are meant to be together for life.  They love that life thing.  That keeps you  a bit frozen in your tracks and when things don't go good they might call or text if unblocked, then if you even mentioned any bad behavior, and asked them why reacted that way , or what could we do differently they will torch you, and then starts the whole thing again.  They will not admit blame unless they need to control you down the road.  In someways I think they always remember you but trust me, its always your fault,  100%, you let them down, and some days you buy into it saying if I only practice SET a bit better.  Everything on you to SAVE!  NO WAY!

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