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Author Topic: What do you think the most injurious part of a BPD relationship is?  (Read 6987 times)
tim_tom
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« on: September 26, 2014, 02:17:53 PM »

The ups and downs? The devaluation? The verbal abuse/silent treatment? The quick departure/rebound? Cheating? (if it applies)

For my money it's the post breakup coldness/blame game...

Here I am dealing with the ego bruise of being dumped +  dealing with missing someone I loved very much who departed suddenly

Adding the shame/guilt associated with being told I caused all of it is just inhumane.  Like I don't have enough to worry about!  Mix in the coldness of being painted the darkest black and treated like I am a minor acquaintance in her life, rather then someone she spent the last 16 months with.

Finish it off with gaslighting where I am forced to question my own memory of events, my own sanity and it makes it very hard to cope with it all.

For a gaslighting example, my ex loved to spend money. Encouraged for me to take a promotion (strongly, told me I was crazy if I didn't and nagged about it for weeks)  I was leery about the promotion and didn't say yes right away. This ultimate started the chain reaction that was the demise of our relationship. When discussed now, she actually tells me she didn't want me to take this job, that I cared only about money and all that was important to her was our connection. WTH! One of us was seriously disassociating, and while my thinking mind knows it was her, my emotional being has doubts. CRUEL!

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« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2014, 02:27:19 PM »

Hi tim_tom,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it has been post break-up and during your r/s. It's learning to trust our intuition after we've spent some time out of the fog.

What do you mean shame and guilt after the post break up? Do you feel shame and guilt about your actions in the r/s or do you mean her projecting?
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tim_tom
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« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2014, 02:28:57 PM »

Hi tim_tom,

I'm sorry to hear how difficult it has been post break-up and during your r/s. It's learning to trust our intuition after we've spent some time out of the fog.

What do you mean shame and guilt after the post break up? Do you feel shame and guilt or do you mean her projecting?

I mean, in my weakened emotional state, hearing how I was 100% to blame for what happened invoked shame an guilt in me. It was my fault, I wasn't good enough, I didn't do the right things FORCING her to leave for greener pastures.

That is a very hard thing to deal with, particularly when hurting in normal ways a B/U effects you
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« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2014, 02:34:15 PM »

Knowing their pain. Feeling the truama.
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walksoftly
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« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2014, 03:12:21 PM »

Tim Tom,

One day ( and you WILL turn the corner, even though it may be at just 5km/h) you will realize that you are better off. You will always carry the scars but you will move forward... .slowly and then... .acceptance!
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freedom33
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« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2014, 03:19:45 PM »

She picked my scabs and rubbed vinegar all over my wounds even ones that I didn't know I had. Shaming, blaming, abandoning, controlling, withholding, denying, lying, manipulating, abusing, namecalling, object throwing, degrading... .

I paid my dues in full to the opposite sex for whatever karmic debt my male ancestors have passed down to me. I have done my time. I think my rs has served as a sort of emotional weakness immunisation. I  feel that there is little that can hurt me in the next relatioship. And I am ready to walk away if I have to.  No deal is a form of a deal nowdays. I am wearing bearskin.
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« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2014, 03:24:26 PM »

Their black and white thinking. That one time you were the best for them and now you are the worst.
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« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2014, 03:26:50 PM »

I think for me it was constantly twisting myself into a pretzel to conform to what she wanted, only to be told that I wasn't doing enough, I "didn't put her first," and a bunch of other asinine bull. That, and her stalking me and making accusations.
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« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2014, 03:28:18 PM »

For me it's the feeling that you have a perfect relationship and it could be something that would last forever, and suddenly BAM, she thinks you are not right for her and that the relationship wasn't a big deal.

I never had a person hurt me this bad.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2014, 03:29:14 PM »

I think for me it was constantly twisting myself into a pretzel to conform to what she wanted, only to be told that I wasn't doing enough, I "didn't put her first," and a bunch of other asinine bull. That, and her stalking me and making accusations.

yes ... .never satisfied... you struggle to reach the goal line, fight through linebackers, drag a lineman on your back, fall forward over the goalline, only to look up and not see 6 points on the board, but see her 10 yards further away where the goal line was moved to...

Hell on earth!
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« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2014, 03:39:25 PM »

For me it's the feeling that you have a perfect relationship and it could be something that would last forever, and suddenly BAM, she thinks you are not right for her and that the relationship wasn't a big deal.

I never had a person hurt me this bad.

Yes! That you were one of the many guys, nothing special.
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freedom33
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« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2014, 03:52:13 PM »

.
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Penumbra66
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« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2014, 03:57:26 PM »

For me, the worst thing was being discarded so coldly after convincing me her affair with my replacement was over. I was told that she wanted to "make things right" by me and would not contact him again, after promising to let me read her goodbye letter. That goodbye letter never came, for a variety of reasons, including his "planned" suicide for next year. She felt that maybe she could encourage him to stay alive, as a friend, although she told me his wife supported the notion of his plan to kill himself (?). Of course when she thought I was suicicdal because of their affair, she merely offered to call an ambulance, rather than agree to talk to me face to face, because she "couldn't deal with it." I should note that I never threatened or indicated suicidal ideation.

After reading text messages indicating she was still cheating with him, she dumped me. First it was my fault for not listening to her or understanding her,  not expressing how much I loved her, then it was because she was so attatched to me that she needed someone to be there when she parted from me (because she didn't want to be stuck with me "forever." After this is was because she "fell" for my replacement, because she was young and needed to make her own mistakes, and finally, because I was a father figure that she needed to help her get her life in order at the time (before relapsing on drugs and alcohol, failing her internship, and barely graduating). All the while telling me I was her best friend, soulmate, would love me forever, etc.

Perhaps the worst behavior was the way she dismissed my feelings. I was told that "these things happen all the time" and I should just accept it, that I should realise that human bonds are ephemeral and the study of Buddhism would help, that the way I dealt with loss was unhealthy and that she would take no responsibility for anything beyond two months of "resentment". I was also told I was the one abandoning the relationship, because I refused to be friends, and that she thought our love was unconditional (which I think meant that it was unconditional for me and that should accept her need to "grow". Funny, but when I texted her after finding the bloody fur of my beloved cat, reportedly killed by a coyote, I was told that she could no longer "be there" for me.

In all of this, there was never once anyconsideration of my feelings, or apology. Its as if she did absolutelynothing wrongthroug all the brokenpromises, cheating, lying, and abandonment. It is the most painful thing I've ever experienced.
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JRav59
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« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2014, 05:22:28 PM »

No one is 100% to blame for the end of a relationship. Gaslighting is incredibly controlling. When I left my partner I felt sucked dry. A healthy relationship does not require you to be something you're not just to keep the peace. A healthy partner can be respectful of your choices and decisions without threatening to run at a moments notice. You didn't do anything wrong. You don't/ shouldn't have to put up with that in a healthy relationship. This is a great time for you to remember she is not well and that relationship was just not sustainable unless you have your soul stripped away.  Everyone deserves an equal partnership. We are all worth it. Especially to ourselves. You should not feel guilty at all. If anything be thankful that vampire is gone and you now have a real chance at love and life happiness. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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crookedeuphoria
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« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2014, 05:29:28 PM »

Gaslighting. Hands down.
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toomanytears
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« Reply #15 on: September 26, 2014, 05:41:23 PM »

Everything is annihilated

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willtimeheal
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« Reply #16 on: September 26, 2014, 05:41:51 PM »

There was so much that happened in the relationship that was painful... .the emotional and verbal abuse, the cheating, the lying, the running away, the drinking, her toxic family.  And I played my part and had faults that played into everything. The most devastating and hurtful part for me is seeing her know and realizing that after six years I am not even missed or thought of. Here is the person who together we talked about marriage, kids, where we were going to build a house... .and now she doesn't even think of me. I am nothing more than a stranger. While I sit here in pain and cry for her she doesn't even blink when she hears my name.  That is the most injurious part for me.
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JRav59
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« Reply #17 on: September 26, 2014, 05:56:59 PM »

For me it was totally the gaslighting. Funny enough, I never truly caved. My gut was always screaming at me. I spent a majority of my relationship anxiety ridden from it. When it ended I was relieved but more disgusted by how sick I really saw her to be after the break up. She wasted 3 years of my life.
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toomanytears
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« Reply #18 on: September 26, 2014, 09:12:29 PM »

Gaslighting. Hands down.

Yup. The gas-lighting is hard to shake off. My husband is a past master at it, even though some of the accusations he has thrown at me are quite ridiculous. My lovely long time school friend, who I've known for more years than I care to remember, has to spell it out in capitals for me over and over:

IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT! I still can't quite believe her.
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #19 on: September 26, 2014, 09:23:30 PM »

Yes, all of the above: the being split black, the being blamed for everything (even though she broke up-- and it wasn't like I was blaming her-- who wants to blame?), the impossibility of having a conversation with her at the end, the mean quips she would say that stay with me still (ugh).
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kc sunshine
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« Reply #20 on: September 26, 2014, 09:29:55 PM »

also, the thought that she has replaced me, and the nagging thought that if I had done something different it could have been better (that one is related to the being blamed). Wow, it is wild that all of us were so totally blamed for things.
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« Reply #21 on: September 26, 2014, 09:47:06 PM »

I stated before I thought having her not think of me after six years together was the most injurious thing that happened to me but I was wrong.  The most injurious part of the relationship was allowing her to take my self confidence and allowing her to make me doubt and question my self.

I sit here now asking myself... .am I good enough?  Am I lovable?  Am I pretty?  Will anyone ever love me again?

That self doubt and questioning has tore me to my core. I struggle with these questions and thoughts. I never questioned my worth or value before but now I do.  This is what keeps me trapped in recycles or trapped in longing and wanting her. I want it to stop. I work hard every day to take back my power and life. This has been the hardest battle for me.
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Loveofhislife
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« Reply #22 on: September 26, 2014, 09:53:45 PM »

The blind side hit. We never broke up or talked about breaking it off. A week before, we were shopping for condos on the beach. He told me he wanted me to spend more time with his sons so they know I'm "... .a staple in their lives." Then an altercation when I asked about his repaying a large sum of money he committed, and POOF! He was gone: 8 weeks ago today. Gone without a trace. Utter and complete abandonment.
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« Reply #23 on: September 27, 2014, 04:34:04 AM »

For me it was not being able to trust my own perceptions about life. Believing all the crazy things he said that were all my fault. The confusion, trying to be a sane person in an insane relationship - sent me crazy.
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« Reply #24 on: September 27, 2014, 07:10:52 AM »

I think for me it was constantly twisting myself into a pretzel to conform to what she wanted, only to be told that I wasn't doing enough, I "didn't put her first," and a bunch of other asinine bull. That, and her stalking me and making accusations.

Wow.  Yes.  The accusation of being selfish and irresponsible after making a truly heroic effort to conform to their needs is really a slap in the face, isn't it?  I did all the hosework, then the errands and tasks he needed me to do for his work, even when he could easily do them himself, only to be yelled at when I'd be less than cheerful when carrying out the tasks he'd assigned.  And then told I'm a selfish and irresponsible and the failure of our relationship is entirely my fault, for failing to understand him and support him enough.  Even if I know it's irational, the guilt was crippling, still is from time to time.
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tim_tom
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« Reply #25 on: September 27, 2014, 07:15:22 AM »

For me it was not being able to trust my own perceptions about life. Believing all the crazy things he said that were all my fault. The confusion, trying to be a sane person in an insane relationship - sent me crazy.

Yes, that is tough. I am a logical guy, and spent most of my time in my rational mind.  I was a computer programmer after all. So the gas lighting during the relationship never had too much of a conscious impact on me that i was aware of,  at least I thought. I would just think to myself, she's nuts! and then go about my day.

Once the breakup occurred, and the emotional mind ruled... I could see the damage that had been done.  Now I was feeling it and aware of it, questioning everything, my perceptions, my behaviors, chicken and egg... I mean, I still knew lots of the stuff she did was dysfunctional, but I wondered if I was the cause... like I was old told...

I've since realized that during the relationship, while I was busy operating in my thinking mind, the friction, debasement/devaluation, gaslighting... it all got out, just through the side door and manifested itself as alcohol abuse. There are 2 periods in my 40 years on this earth that I've been a heavy drinker, the first was when things were coming to the end with my bipolar ex wife (who exhibited many low functioning borderline traits and might have been co or misdiagnosed), the second was when thing were coming to an end with my exBPD. Normally I have no problem with alcohol, this compulsion comes from avenues I am not consciously aware of at the time. I just feel like I need a drink, the urge is strong, even if I tell myself all day... no drinking tonight... By 7pm I'd be pouring one. Sad.
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Duped11years

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« Reply #26 on: September 27, 2014, 07:29:32 AM »

Yes, all of the above: the being split black, the being blamed for everything (even though she broke up-- and it wasn't like I was blaming her-- who wants to blame?), the impossibility of having a conversation with her at the end, the mean quips she would say that stay with me still (ugh).

I can relate to everything you said here kc... .she is the one that instigated the break-up, yet she continues to blame me for it... .and any attempts to put some normal closure on it are only met with her complete inability of having a reasonable and thoughtful conversation. The mean quips? How about getting texts saying how many times she had oral sex in a day. Amazing stuff.
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« Reply #27 on: September 27, 2014, 08:25:41 AM »

there were a lot of things... .

when, in exhaustion, I stopped trying to reach her impossible demands and ridiculous standards, she switched tactics and started working on the weak spots I had revealed to her in confidence... .she deliberately created an unstable and volatile home environment, making me insecure and anxious... .constantly brought up my childhood abuse, goaded me about my physical appearance, disrespected my deceased wife and scratched at any other insecurities she could think of. It was systematic, it was brutal and traumatic. In a semi lucid moment in the final days of our r/s she admitted to wanting to hurt me, but insisted she loved me. It was as sick as you get.
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« Reply #28 on: September 27, 2014, 09:06:16 AM »

The complete lack of closure. Your emotions from the relationship are like a rod of plutonium that needs time to cool only that doesn't happen when she spits.

Only time and help from others allow for the radioactive waste generated from this relationship  to decay.
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« Reply #29 on: September 27, 2014, 09:32:09 AM »

Completely losing yourself, not knowing who you are anymore, questioning your own values and sanity.
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