Still Can't find closure

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Its been almost four months since she walked out for no reason, filed a bogus DV charge, got a restraining order and divorced me. The night after she walked out I found pictures she had taken in Phx. a little over a month after we were married with some guy. Heck we had only been married five months. She recycled me at least four times before this. Even after all of this I want to hear from her. I have to get her out of my head !

[peiper]

Its been almost four months since she walked out for no reason, filed a bogus DV charge, got a restraining order and divorced me. The night after she walked out I found pictures she had taken in Phx. a little over a month after we were married with some guy. Heck we had only been married five months. She recycled me at least four times before this. Even after all of this I want to hear from her. I have to get her out of my head !

[peiper]

I just don't get how someone can just walk away like that and so soon after being married.

[Deeno02]

I wasnt married to mine and only together for a year and a half, but the damage is horrible. Dumped one day, with another the next. Devalued at its finest. She didnt even mourn the relationship.

[Blimblam]

Pieper

I'm sorry man.  I know it hurts extremely badly.

She had to because she's to scared to face her own inner pain.

It most likely had nothing to do with you.

As hard as it is to accept it was nothing personal

I'm really sorry man.

Where ever you are in yourself right now is where you are as hard as that is to accept.

Unfortunately there is no fast forward button

[ReluctantSurvivor]

They walk away because they don't have the values you do.  Some people view marriage as a sacred vow, the ultimate committment.  Sadly other people say yes but are not serious.  It is cruel, it is not fair, the whole thing is a pile of sh't.  

 Good news, you can grow nice flowers with a pile of bovine excrement.

[blissful_camper]

Its been almost four months since she walked out for no reason, filed a bogus DV charge, got a restraining order and divorced me. The night after she walked out I found pictures she had taken in Phx. a little over a month after we were married with some guy. Heck we had only been married five months. She recycled me at least four times before this. Even after all of this I want to hear from her. I have to get her out of my head !

You've been through a lot.  Four months is pretty recent.  Give yourself more time to process what you experienced. 

If you spoke with her, what things would you want to hear her say? 

Hang in there.  You'll get through this. 

[peiper]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

[fred6]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

Not in the long run. It would all just happen again. Stay strong bro!

[Blimblam]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

[peiper]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

[BlackandBlue]

Im about 7 months out of the relationship and have been NC for almost 4 months. I'm slowing getting better but I'm still looking for closure I guess... .I'm waiting for an apology that probably is never going to come. This has been the worst think I've ever encountered.

[blissful_camper]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

That's one of the things that really confused and hurt me too.  I thought that I meant something to him, and then suddenly it appeared that I meant nothing at all.  

It seems as though you're wanting validation from her.  I understand that.  I wanted that too.  The question I asked myself, was why did I want validation from someone who had mistreated me?  

It's natural to want to make sense of what you experienced.  I think that's an important step in the healing process -- understanding, embracing, and accepting it.  Is there a way for you to reframe some of your questions and thoughts, so that your focus is redirected inward?  :)o you feel ready to do that?  

[peiper]

I hope I am Bliss, right now my head is still spinning and my heart really hurts. This whole thing just really stinks.

[peiper]

And thank you 

[Blimblam]

Well the last time she split for no reason she called up out of the blue after a few months and said her life was crap without me and she loved me. It would be nice to hear something along those lines,

I know that feeling. 

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

Blim, that I can go from being the most important thing in her life to nothing to her so fast. It hurts. When I married her it was for life to me.

I know man I know.

I made a life pact bond to my ex also.

When that bond is made she becomes a part of you. That part of you feels like pain extremely intense pain. She's not gone. The person is gone and she is somone else now but you are a part of her too.

[blissful_camper]

I'm sorry that you're going through this.  I know how painful it is.  Continue posting on the forum, sharing your thoughts and feelings.  Vent.  We're here to support you. 

What are you doing for yourself to get your mind thinking about other things?  Yes, it's important to process, and it's equally important to do things for yourself to reinforce your sense of wellbeing. 

Are there activities that you enjoy that'll provide relief?  (Hiking, reading a book, watching a movie, making a good meal, going out to coffee with a friend)  I found that when I got out and did something for me (even if it was just to take a walk) it cleared my mind and I felt more grounded.  Have faith that you'll get through this. 

[peiper]

That's good advise, since it happened I haven't felt like doing anything. The rug really got yanked out from under my feet on this one.

[blissful_camper]

Yep, that's how I felt too.  For me, it was hard getting out there to do much of anything outside of work.  I just didn't feel like it.  I was tired.  I was upset and hurting. 

At first, the things I enjoyed didn't bring me as much joy as they had previously.  But as I continued doing them, I started feeling a whole lot better.  Be patient with yourself. 

It really helps if you can find an activity that is therapeutic and that requires you to focus on that activity.  It'll give your mind a break from what you're experiencing now.  It'll help build your confidence in yourself, and your ability to get through this. 

[peiper]

The worst part of this is she has me brainwashed into thinking its all my fault, even though I know deep inside its not.

[peiper]

I just don't get it, I would have given my life for her. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

[SWLSR]

For tbose of us who are nons we all know ur pain.  In time you will come to understand nothing and no one means anything to them.  They will say anything they want to get what they want at the time but there promises are always hollow.  In time ypu will come out better than she will and that is most likely wjen you will hear from her.

[blissful_camper]

The worst part of this is she has me brainwashed into thinking its all my fault, even though I know deep inside its not.

I know that it's unsettling, and confusing.  What you know, is what counts.  Honor that, and try to remove what she thinks from the equation.  You did the best that you could under the circumstances.  Hold onto that, and let go of her opinion.    

[blissful_camper]

I just don't get it, I would have given my life for her. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

Be thankful that you cannot comprehend someone mistreating a loved one.  Educate yourself through the many articles and posts on this forum.  The more you read, the better you'll understand what you experienced.  It's not about you.  Go easy on yourself right now. 

[Rifka]

I just don't get it, I would have given my life for her. I just want to crawl under a rock and die.

The thing is that you are not ever going to get it.

The thing you need to try to understand is that she has a mental illness that she can't control.

You need to understand that there is nothing that you can do to fix her, you did nothing wrong.

She is sick!

This sickness tears apart anybody who intimately or emotionally gets too close it!

I am truly so sorry that you too have faced this monster disorder. We are all the survivors of it as well!

It's devastating and takes your breath away from the intense pain.

I will tell you that pain lessens with time. I know it's hard to believe but it really does go away.

Please try to take care of yourself and post your feelings here.

I am two months out and am feeling so much better than the first weeks I was posting. There are wonderful people here who have been through so many experiences and shared feelings.

You are among friends who have also felt this intense confusion and pain. Share your feelings and try to read as much as possible here to understand this disorder. It will help you heal.

Hugs to you!

Rifka

[Blimblam]

The thing is that you are not ever going to get it.

Rifka I think you may be projecting here. It

Is possible to be understood but it is an extremely confusing process.  I am begining to decode the projections how I identified them what that triggered in her etc.

Using the tools of the karpman triangle and schema modes and archytpes. Provides a framework for it to be understood. It requires a painfull look at ones self and identifying the different archytipical energies we identify with.

[Loveofhislife]

When i feel that way A part of me is saying why? Why? Why?

What is it that you are seeking that is being projected onto the image of her you percieve as outside yourself?

That is the pivotal question for me, Blim. Peiper--as a mechanism for me to try to answer the question for me--my T suggested going back and trying to remember what he said and did during idealization. He is a brilliant and resourceful software developer who cracked my code; now I need to try to find it. T said--he was a proxy for what I need to be doing and saying and seeing and listening to me. He SAW me; he NOTICED me: the me that no one else sees. That is who he was projecting onto (if I'm getting Blim right)--forgive the pun, but he was my pied piper that I would have followed into harms way and eventually drowned. In the oddest way, he cracked the code FOR ME; now it's my job to follow his code without the control and abuse. He actually gave me a great blessing; and his abandoning me probably saved my life.

[Blimblam]

Loved of his life

It was an open ended question it will mean something different to everyone depending on where we are at in ourselves.

My self have been focused on understanding what happened in the devaluation and fog. As that is when I was confused the most.

I will eventually focus on the code of the initial stages. 

It is mind boggling comfusing and painful to reflect in this way for me.  It forces me to confront my denials and narcisism.

[peiper]

I think one of the biggest problems in my head was something my T said. When I told him that it didn't make any sense because she had left over 20 k worth of her stuff, ie her brand new appliances, just remodeled the kitchen with her money, new tankless water heater, two flat screen TVs and just walked away and let me keep it all, he responded that's because she always planned on coming back, she was just punishing you. Now how does a person punish by destroying a marriage ?

[Loveofhislife]

I think one of the biggest problems in my head was something my T said. When I told him that it didn't make any sense because she had left over 20 k worth of her stuff, ie her brand new appliances, just remodeled the kitchen with her money, new tankless water heater, two flat screen TVs and just walked away and let me keep it all, he responded that's because she always planned on coming back, she was just punishing you. Now how does a person punish by destroying a marriage ?

Peiper: I get the first part of what the T said--but as my very wise 18 year old daughter was explaining to me about power struggles is that your/my ex may be using this as leverage to feel "in control" or "winning" or she's using it as a bookmark for future recycling and contact with you. I asked a very similar question tonight--if he is SO over me, why won't he at least put my key under the front door mat of my house as I requested. And he has a lot of my other stuff too, but wise daughter says he wants me to ask for it, beg for it: keeps the game going. All seems pretty ridiculous to me--especially after they've stomped all over our hearts and lives.

[peiper]

I think one of the biggest problems in my head was something my T said. When I told him that it didn't make any sense because she had left over 20 k worth of her stuff, ie her brand new appliances, just remodeled the kitchen with her money, new tankless water heater, two flat screen TVs and just walked away and let me keep it all, he responded that's because she always planned on coming back, she was just punishing you. Now how does a person punish by destroying a marriage ?

Peiper: I get the first part of what the T said--but as my very wise 18 year old daughter was explaining to me about power struggles is that your/my ex may be using this as leverage to feel "in control" or "winning" or she's using it as a bookmark for future recycling and contact with you. I asked a very similar question tonight--if he is SO over me, why won't he at least put my key under the front door mat of my house as I requested. And he has a lot of my other stuff too, but wise daughter says he wants me to ask for it, beg for it: keeps the game going. All seems pretty ridiculous to me--especially after they've stomped all over our hearts and lives.

Actually he's been right on the money so far and it makes sense. I wouldn't care if I was worth a million I would have taken my things and asked for half of the cost for the home improvements I had paid for.