passive agressive insults.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Mine would cal me fat, ugly, tell me no one would ever want me. That's  When we first started. She used to constantly feed me so I gained weighted  She would complain if I went to the gym... .i wasn't spending time with her and if I went that meant I didn't love her. I think she got me fat on purpose! I then went to therapy and got stronger put major boundaries on that. Then she would "tease" me about the way I was at work. I was too loud, talked to much, got along with others... .sorry if people like me and I am good at my job. She would say just kidding but each jab was meant to punch a hole in my self esteem. Then the you don't love me or respect me or you make me feel bad about myself... .those were continuous but picked up speed towards the end. All meant to damage my self esteem.

[willtimeheal]

Mine would cal me fat, ugly, tell me no one would ever want me. That's  When we first started. She used to constantly feed me so I gained weighted  She would complain if I went to the gym... .i wasn't spending time with her and if I went that meant I didn't love her. I think she got me fat on purpose! I then went to therapy and got stronger put major boundaries on that. Then she would "tease" me about the way I was at work. I was too loud, talked to much, got along with others... .sorry if people like me and I am good at my job. She would say just kidding but each jab was meant to punch a hole in my self esteem. Then the you don't love me or respect me or you make me feel bad about myself... .those were continuous but picked up speed towards the end. All meant to damage my self esteem.

[willtimeheal]

Does anyone want to expand on the non verbal aspect of it?

Durring the devaluing it felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath and she dissapeared into the depths and I was clinging to side of a cliff and she would come along and do 1 little piggy 2 little piggy with my fingers

I remember so much of it had to do with timing and a look of disgust/disapproval. Or just being constantly annoyed with everything I would do. A bunch of well placed sighs.

Towards the end she rarely spent time with me unless she needed something. What always surprised me was she would act like it was not a big deal. When we were together during these times she had a complete look of disgust on her face and she looked like she wanted to be anywhere else.  She never kissed me... .I would get a goodbye peck on the cheek.  She didn't want me around her but wasn't quite ready to discard me yet. She was still lining up her back up plan. She was surprised when I have her a ultimatum and stuck to it.

What I find crazy is I miss her. what the heck?  But I am getting better!

[Pingo]

I remember so much of it had to do with timing and a look of disgust/disapproval. Or just being constantly annoyed with everything I would do. A bunch of well placed sighs.

Yes!  This exactly!  He wouldn't necessarily put me down verbally.  He was very covert with his disapproval.  Often seemed irritated at me, like I couldn't do anything right.  But being the sensitive person I was I could read it no problem!  He knew where to poke me too.  The things that I was insecure about.  He knew how to manipulate like a pro.

[walksoftly]

Heres mine:

Get a haircut you look like a taxi driver.

Be a man

you cant fix anything

You are a loser

You are ridiculous

Get some friends

after sex... .is that it?

Your a good kisser again.

Grow up your a child

[Blimblam]

I remember so much of it had to do with timing and a look of disgust/disapproval. Or just being constantly annoyed with everything I would do. A bunch of well placed sighs.

Yes!  This exactly!  He wouldn't necessarily put me down verbally.  He was very covert with his disapproval.  Often seemed irritated at me, like I couldn't do anything right.  But being the sensitive person I was I could read it no problem!  He knew where to poke me too.  The things that I was insecure about.  He knew how to manipulate like a pro.

Like their would be this moment where I would be off ballance then boom "you can't do anything right here let me do it,". Or "what's wrong with you?"   

My ex was a "low level borderline," so it wasn't a furry of rage it was perfectly timed and calculated and to an observer they would agree with her because I was so off ballance. 

My ex too was a master manipulator. I've had multiple of people in my life with PDs and the more subtle and well timed the more dangerous in my opinion. If she had outright punched me in the face then I could have evidence for myself and others. 

[Angelwings2012]

Cant really say passive aggresive... .

Sarcasm and loads of it! That was his thing. Always in a way that if I would comment on it he'd say I got it wrong and didnt mean it in a sarcastic way... .(Gaslighting)

And accusations... .Loads and loads... .You dont care for me, you dont love me, you love your ex more then me, your ___ing your friends, you dont want me in your life... .Bla bla bla... .

All this nonsense mostly over not responding to a text quick enough (within 1 minute).

Once he managed to send me 77 messages within an hour. Going on and on about how I wanted him to die and wouldnt even morn if he did... .When I asked him afterwards he said his reaction was totally normal, he was just expressing himself and I was too sensitive... .All his friends thought I was the one with a mental illness... .Projection and triangulation. He would also hit walls, bang his head against the wall, kick tables. I would tell him that made me uncomfortable and he again would say I was just too sensitive and he didnt do anything wrong. Better the wall then my cheek right? What the heck

These episodes occured every other day... .

Ehhh why did we put up with these ___ers? Sounds so insane once out of the FOG!

Oh my... id have said we dated the same person except im female and the ex is also... you just wrote part of my life for the past 2yrs... jeez! Sadly for me, the doors eventually got replaced with my face... plain crazy looking back & im only 5 weeks out! Wow id love to hear your story x

[freedom33]

Well she thought she looked like Angelina Jolie. I could never see that but she is a fine looking woman. That really annoyed her!

Maybe she meant as in behaviour?  Angelina jolie is major BPD... .

[Louise7777]

Guys, I see you describing lots of AGGRESSIVE comments, they are not passive-aggressive at all! Most of them, I mean.

My xSO uPAPD would criticize my hair a lot. Until I told him to give me a haircut from the most expensive salon in town. Never happened, of course. I was joking and I made it clear but now I realize I should had distanced myself back then instead of jocking about it. Maybe he was jealous cause he is bald.  

What he was really PA was regarding witholding. He never ever complimented me. Of course constantly complimented other people when mentioning them to me. Now I see it as a technique to put me down. I didnt care about it back then and I dont now. Its a very sad and pathetic personality.

[hurting300]

Guys, I see you describing lots of AGGRESSIVE comments, they are not passive-aggressive at all! Most of them, I mean.

My xSO uPAPD would criticize my hair a lot. Until I told him to give me a haircut from the most expensive salon in town. Never happened, of course. I was joking and I made it clear but now I realize I should had distanced myself back then instead of jocking about it. Maybe he was jealous cause he is bald.  

What he was really PA was regarding witholding. He never ever complimented me. Of course constantly complimented other people when mentioning them to me. Now I see it as a technique to put me down. I didnt care about it back then and I dont now. Its a very sad and pathetic personality.

In 18 months mine probably complimented a hand full of times. She said, she only compliments when it's deserved... she was very passive.

[Infern0]

In terms of straight up agression,  mine towards the end told me that spending time with me was boring because we always did the same stuff.

this infuriated me because when we were together I used to always be like hey babe want to go out tonight and we would be invited to parties or go to the bars or casino etc. Well I say "we" I mean I was invited by my friends.  Because she didn't have any friends just me and her Weird orbiter who ended up being my replacement,  bilbo baggins

Well she would always say because of her anxiety she didn't want to go out or she'd be tired from her meds or she'd have a bad back or whatever.

So our "dates" were always I'd get a DVD out,  make dinner (she wouldn't eat due to bullimia) and it'd be fun,  I'd keep her happy and entertained etc.  But that was all she ever wanted to do and I kind of accepted that.  I used to laugh that I'd rented every DVD in blockbuster haha.

but yeah now she goes out into town with bilbo baggins and his druggie mates and gets wasted off her face. One of my friends saw her crying in the gutter on Friday night while bilbo ran around with a traffic cone on his head.

I'm going to run into bilbo one of these days,  and it ain't going to be a fun day for him when I do.

[Fluff]

Hm, passive agressive,

She would make fun of the boundaries I had made around her friends. Like "Fluff don't want me to do xxx. *grin*"

The few times I spoke up for myself I'd get a "I should just kill myself" or "Wow, whatever. That's really bad of you to say".

She would pretend to be a sleep and say I wasn't man enough when I failed to wake her up. I'm gentle... ok...  

Constantly mentioning the men that wanted her, and what they did for her.

Gah, I know there's some stuff back in my mind I just can't pull out.

At the end of it all she gave me a mens t-shirt. It took me a couple of weeks to ask myself who's the t-shirt was.   And if and what it represented.

Oh, this is funny. I find it to be PA. After the big suicide tantrum one of the last days I noticed a painting in her bed room that I hadn't noticed before. It said "I never listen to you when you're being morbid".

[Blimblam]

Hm, passive agressive,

She would make fun of the boundaries I had made around her friends. Like "Fluff don't want me to do xxx. *grin*"

The few times I spoke up for myself I'd get a "I should just kill myself" or "Wow, whatever. That's really bad of you to say".

She would pretend to be a sleep and say I wasn't man enough when I failed to wake her up. I'm gentle... ok...  

Constantly mentioning the men that wanted her, and what they did for her.

Gah, I know there's some stuff back in my mind I just can't pull out.

At the end of it all she gave me a mens t-shirt. It took me a couple of weeks to ask myself who's the t-shirt was.  And if and what it represented.

My ex pulled some sadistic stuff too. Like it's so hard to even explain it. But it's like once they got you trained then when other people are around they like to flex like them as that person are in the know and you are an oblivious idiot. 

[Fluff]

My ex pulled some sadistic stuff too. Like it's so hard to even explain it. But it's like once they got you trained then when other people are around they like to flex like them as that person are in the know and you are an oblivious idiot.  

Yes! It made me feel so bad! And it was so subtle and hard to pinpoint down and confront! It made me so confused, worthless and controlled!

Another example. I noticed she had stopped being online on Skype. Then I noticed my Skype messages was instantly received which means she was invisible. So I asked her why she was invisible, to which she said it was unintentional, and then looked to the left out of screen and grinned. Who was sitting there?

Ugh, I hate remembering this line: "Why, what's wrong... "

[brokenbutalive]

Does anyone want to expand on the non verbal aspect of it?

Durring the devaluing it felt like the rug had been pulled out from underneath and she dissapeared into the depths and I was clinging to side of a cliff and she would come along and do 1 little piggy 2 little piggy with my fingers

I remember so much of it had to do with timing and a look of disgust/disapproval. Or just being constantly annoyed with everything I would do. A bunch of well placed sighs.

Yep, same as the above. Sighs, looks of disgust, shaking her head as she walked away.

One of her favourite tricks was to be all silent while I tried to make conversation, giving abrupt one word answers to everything, then when I finally gave up after four or five attempts at small talk and went silent myself she'd wait a couple of minutes and then say something like "well this is fun. Getting conversation out of you is like blood out of a stone". And she'd be deadly serious and tell people I was no company and if it wasn't for her there would be no conversation between us at all!

  they are absolutely crazy

[Blimblam]

My ex pulled some sadistic stuff too. Like it's so hard to even explain it. But it's like once they got you trained then when other people are around they like to flex like them as that person are in the know and you are an oblivious idiot.  

Yes! It made me feel so bad! And it was so subtle and hard to pinpoint down and confront! It made me so confused, worthless and controlled!

Another example. I noticed she had stopped being online on Skype. Then I noticed my Skype messages was instantly received which means she was invisible. So I asked her why she was invisible, to which she said it was unintentional, and then looked to the left out of screen and grinned. Who was sitting there?

Ugh, I hate remembering this line: "Why, what's wrong... "

I distinctly remember a period before she devalued hard core that was like the transition.  Where she would rebel against me like I was her dad.  I tried so hard to make her aware of her projections durring this stage.  I was really busy at work so I guess she didn't feel I was giving her enough attention yet engulfed.  But rather than talk to me about talk to all her "friends"

It's almost just like the "vibe". Just a malicious vibe with ill intent.

[Louise7777]

I believe passive-aggressive insults are sadistic by principle. You dont understand whats going on, you cant even see it and when you realize something, you still cant pin-point it. Of course you cant say "hey, what are you doing/ saying?" cause they will deny the intent behind it, so no matter what, we always look bad.

Now I see more PA "tricks" he pulled out of his top hat: saying he bought this particular gift to a relative (from a particular brand I love but would never spend money on it myself). He made clear he bought it for somebody, but of course, never for me and had to rub it on my face. This happened many times. I guess that made him feel better.

Also, sent me expired chocolate (we live in different countries). That was the ultimate PA trick, expired food. I thanked, laughed and asked if he was trying to poison me with this PA move. It was his way of giving me something that I couldnt use. Thats SO weird!

The last one was forgetting my birthday. He´s giving me the ST now, picked a fight a couple of days before my birthday (and I fell for it), so now he feels justified in throwing his rage quietly on me. He has done that before, he knows I care abt my birthday. If I ever confronted him, he´d say he forgot or needed time out. There was one year that he sent a happy birthday email to an account he knws I rarely open. Then complained to a common friend that I hadnt thanked him... .LOL.

[Arminius]

I remember how once, when we met two old friends of hers from her original country, she referred to me as 'Bozo' , as if it was a cute name she used for me.

She'd never called me that before, and I just laughed and said 'What?' And laughed and asked where the heck that had come from!

[hurting300]

My nickname was puppy. Ugh

[brokenbutalive]

I remember how once, when we met two old friends of hers from her original country, she referred to me as 'Bozo' , as if it was a cute name she used for me.

She'd never called me that before, and I just laughed and said 'What?' And laughed and asked where the heck that had come from!

This is getting creepy. Mine once called me bozo in public too.  

And my reaction was pretty similar to yours. Unbelievable.

[hurting300]

Personally I think this thread is amazing. They all acted the same. It makes sense now...

[brokenbutalive]

Personally I think this thread is amazing. They all acted the same. It makes sense now...

Pretty much yeah.

Weirdos    (I know, they're ill blah blah, but I'm still too raw and angry to forgive just yet)

[hurting300]

Personally I think this thread is amazing. They all acted the same. It makes sense now...

Pretty much yeah.

Weirdos    (I know, they're ill blah blah, but I'm still too raw and angry to forgive just yet)

yeah some people here want to project the person with BPD as a victim but I'm not going too! You can't use BPD in a court of law as an insanity defense so I'm not validating nothing those wack jobs do.

[willtimeheal]

After we broke up mine would tell a close friend of mine that she was going out on a date with someone. She hoped that the friend would tell me and I would get upset. She tried it before so we were on to her and knew enough that it was a trick. Mine also told me once towards the end when I was being devalued that if we didn't end up together all she wanted was a loving sexual relationship with a man (we are both women). I knew then she was on her way out. Then came the text that her overwhelming love for me had turned to resentment. Which really means she resents herself.

[silentscream]

"Interesting thread.  My ex picked at me, made me feel like I was always irritating him, could never do anything right.  But honestly I can't really remember what he did to make me feel this way.  It was all so very subtle!  And confusing!  He wasn't one to outwardly rage very often, his tactics were subtle threats and silent treatment.  He never called me names, he wouldn't put my appearance down in any way.  It was all so hard to put my finger on, the FOG was thick!  I felt wretched, always anxious, wondering what was wrong with me... .I couldn't recognise the abuse, he was very manipulative and good at it!

Waifed, thank you for sharing that, it gives me insight into some other r/ss I've been in and I also think I am capable of some PA as well.  Although not intentional but as a defense mechanism for sure.  I grew up with the queen of PA, my mother!  So I recognise it, hate it and am guilty of using it at times.  And you are right, without the pain of this r/s which I consider hitting rock bottom as well, I wouldn't have opened my eyes to all of this I don't think."

I don't think I quoted that right, but this is exactly how my BPD husband was. He really didn't rage, and rarely yelled or called me names. But his behavior was calculating and subtle and insidious. It's like he always tried to tip me off balance - I always felt like the rug was being yanked out from under me.

Some examples - once he came home from work, and I was cooking in the kitchen. I was in a great mood, and he said to me ... ."Oh, you must be taking your medication again. You're almost in too good a mood".

Many times I would be telling a story excitedly ... .he would constantly interrupt to "sshhh" me ... .told me that I was talking too loud. Would do this repeatedly until I lost interest in telling the story. Would do this in front of friends as well.

He hated for me to be the center of attention. One night we were out to dinner with another couple, and I told a story that made them laugh. He turned to me and said, "Nice story babe. Now go make me a sandwich".

I could never dress right for him. Lots of, "Oh, you're going to wear that? Well that's ... .interesting."

Multiple reminders that I wasn't his type physically. I'm a redhead, and I don't know how many times he pointed out an attractive girl on the street, on tv, etc. and remarked, "you know, brunettes are my type."

I could go on and on and on. This thread is blowing my mind too. You all are right. They are all the same. And I felt like I was the crazy one. 

[Springle]

I have a query. I know passive aggressive behaviour is not specific to BPD but does it tend to indicate PD or other mental illness?

I ask because a lot of the anecdotes described in this thread are not too dissimilar to the attitude my non-ex had towards me on many occasion.

He used to make fun/criticize the way I talked all the time, sometimes when I was half way through telling him a story or something, got really really annoying because I would think 'You're not even really listening to me are you?' And he would just COMPLETELY forget plans we had made, I'd ask what time to come meet him that night and he'd be like 'We're going out tonight?', and I would respond 'Yes. I discussed this with you last weekend!' There were a few other things as well but I can't quite remember them off the top of my head.

He was denser than a sack of rocks though, worse than any guy I've ever known before (I actually still ponder a little whether he may have been on the autistic spectrum/aspergers because some of the things he would do I would just think 'are you serious? Do you live in the world?', like living life with blinkers on so I'm not sure if his behaviour was due to, perhaps, having difficulties picking up social queues.