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Author Topic: no contact hell  (Read 1477 times)
dermo

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« on: October 09, 2014, 02:04:48 PM »

boy this is so hard... .i was am still am in love with her... .everything about her was perfect... .beautiful, independent,funny... .the sex was incredible... .in fact too much... .but also used as a means of control.

its only been three months but it was so intense that it feels like years... .and i am off work... .an emotional wreck.

She was abused by her brother as a child... .has a son from what she said was an abusive relationship and had a ten year break from relationships i believe to protect herself and concentrate upon her boy... .she is a great mother... .

i thought i could save her i suppose... .i am a people pleaser.

anyway a few weeks back it was like someone had pushed a button. Its hard to describe but over the next weeks she began gaslighting as i have since learnt its called. it has reduced me to an emotional wreck. the irony is that i experienced this in my previous marriage without realising it.

I suspect that she has been seeing a police officer who is married. i think their relationship cooled when ours took off but that she returned to him after she initiated Sarahs Law here. this allows her to check my history. i have a caution that is 20 years old which i declare for work checks so that is ok however foolishly i came into contact with the police about a year and a half ago. i did not commit an offence and have never harmed anyone nor would i but it would be disclosed to her.

in many ways he has exploited the situation as she is vulnerable. her priority is to feel safe and who safer than a police man?

her rage some of which i can understand is now being played out on me.

Gaslighting? I have the ultimate-i saw her enter the house with him... .she convinced me that i had imagined it and it is due to my poor mental health (i have never had visual hallucinations), we made love twice one weekend and she said that three times this weekend, new sheets put on her bed "now that i have all these me  in my bed"... .and at least one that i have proof of... .a text saying "looking forward to tomorrow... .lets hope the weather is good for our walk... .love you xxx"... .we had no arrangement to meet the following day... .she would be at work. She denied sending the text. The next day she sent me another text "i have taken the afternoon off as i cant concentrate... ." etc

also small things to chip away at my confidence... .my hair, my shoes, etc very subtle but critical. what i have noticed is how she can switch persona. she would take me into her work... ."this is my new partner" and then see her lover that day.

i have asked for no contact but since then she has sent numerous texts... .today i got a phone call (did not answer) and three texts... ."can i ring you please sweet?" I have not replied.

it seems very callous and it goes against the grain for me but i have held out for two days. it is though killing me. i have lots of fears... .not least that she will make false allegations that could lose me my job... .but we shall see.

it just seems so sad... .that what happened to a little girl in an asian country is now years later causing and wreaking such pain and havoc years later on another continent. Like he has won. He died an alcoholic yet it seems like he has never died. I hope some day that she at least will find peace... .and that i can heal if that is possible... .

 







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dermo

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 17


« Reply #1 on: October 09, 2014, 02:15:55 PM »

one question... .my last text... .your text is bizarre and i really cannot take anymore... .please do not contact me... .

i have had numerous texts and phone calls since... .should i send another asking for NC?
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MrConfusedWithItAll
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 320


« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2014, 02:36:14 PM »

No do not contact her.  You are in a very sensitive situation if she is seeing a police officer.  She may get you into some trouble.  You don't want triangles in your life.  You don't want BPD madness in your life.  Leave her alone and move on and create your own life.  I know the pain you are feeling.  It will get easier.
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Infern0
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Posts: 1520


« Reply #3 on: October 09, 2014, 02:44:44 PM »

Don't contact her AT ALL

You've got the paranoia,  I know that feeling, it's horrible. In the state you are in its a terrible idea to exchange words.

She won't cost you your job don't worry about that.  Just stay NC

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Recooperating
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Broken up
Posts: 362



« Reply #4 on: October 09, 2014, 03:53:08 PM »

Stay in NC HELL! Stay in Hell and redecorate Hell till you make it your heaven, your safe haven! It will take time... .But with time hell will turn to heaven. We must experience hell to apreciate heaven... .

Stay strong, take up a mental paint brush and create your heaven by working on you!

NC = No Contact = New Courage = No Crap = No Curse = New Creations = New Character!

NC is all of that, but it take time... .

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maxen
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #5 on: October 09, 2014, 04:06:25 PM »

hi dermo. many of us have been where you are: it's a world of hurt, and it may be impossible now to see the end of this, which is to be liberated from the attachment. have you read the material on the right hand side of this board?

should i send another asking for NC?

that in itself would break NC. you would, conceivably, open yourself up to another round of pain. are you sure you want to end the r/s? do you have friends you can call, or even hang with? you can always post here, and get support.
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dermo

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Posts: 17


« Reply #6 on: October 09, 2014, 04:30:18 PM »

many thanks... .my head says why would i want to contact someone who has flauted their infidelity in the cruelest way... .the hardest part is the heart... .thanks for the support... .we have recycled once before and it felt strangely surreal returning to her... .like a weird dream... .the reality is she treated me badly and why should i accept that?

its a hard road though... .when i read the links it feels weird... .our relationship to a tee... .   
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Deeno02
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« Reply #7 on: October 09, 2014, 06:02:26 PM »

I think mine hates me so much and has her new replacement that i dont think she will ever contact me... .Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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hope2727
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #8 on: October 09, 2014, 10:50:05 PM »

Block her number, send her emails directly to junk, block her Facebook... .etc etc.

This is not healthy for you.

Then eat some expensive ice cream and go for a walk. It has helped me immensely.
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OV-105
Formerly Heroditus

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic Partner
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« Reply #9 on: October 10, 2014, 03:49:16 PM »

My BPD requested no contact back in March.  That wasn't a huge surprise... .she'd been getting increasingly distant and was blaming an ever-growing list of her problems on me.  Truly, I never thought I'd hear from her again but she called me just this week and wanted to talk.  I was very wary, but set a time and we talked.  She wants "closure", and made sure I got the message that if I ever contacted HER again, there would be consequences.  (She is computer illiterate, and back when things were good I installed a program that would allow me to see her desktop by remote control and guide her through things.  Now she claims I was using it to spy on her and read her emails - utter nonsense, but the courts might have other ideas.) 

Will I hear from her again?  I wonder.  Now that she doesn't have anyone to be mad at, degrade, project upon... .she'll be left with the deep guilt and shame that has stalked her all her life.  Make no mistake, I'm still recovering from the times she trashed me, but she always "had" to come back, otherwise she would be facing her demons instead of projecting them. 

But I know what you mean, man.  This relationship emulated my childhood, which made it especially hard to pull away from (and I still struggle with that), but I miss the good times like an addict misses his fix - and it's an apt analogy.  But I  tried to help and same the little kid inside her - only to realize it was my own little kid that needed me the most.  You'll get there.  So will I.  Hang in there - know that you're not alone, there are folks here who totally "get" what you're going through.   
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Waifed
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #10 on: October 10, 2014, 03:54:51 PM »

No do not contact her.  You are in a very sensitive situation if she is seeing a police officer.  She may get you into some trouble.  You don't want triangles in your life.  You don't want BPD madness in your life.  Leave her alone and move on and create your own life.  I know the pain you are feeling.  It will get easier.

This may sound really silly, but I suggest you keep all receipts from restaurants, grocery story, etc.  If she ever tries to get you in trouble with the law they may come in handy as proof that you were not where she said you were.  Same with phone records, etc.  They often get hurt or angry when they realize that they are losing control of you.  There have been plenty of examples of pwBPD traits contacting the police when it gets to this point. 
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dermo

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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
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« Reply #11 on: October 11, 2014, 03:21:41 PM »

I once told her... .your like a drug... .and she is... .

tonight i got to phone calls from her and one text... .i ignored them... .
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Infern0
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« Reply #12 on: October 11, 2014, 03:32:59 PM »

I once told her... .your like a drug... .and she is... .

tonight i got to phone calls from her and one text... .i ignored them... .

I told mine the exact same thing,  I said she was like Crack cocaine.

Weird Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Deeno02
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« Reply #13 on: October 11, 2014, 03:37:22 PM »

Ive been N/C for 15 days. Of course shes with the replacement (old college friend of hers) so shes in "love" or something. Waiting for the shoe to drop. Tomorrows my birthday and apprehensive she will text a Happy birthday or some BS. I ignored her birthday so im not so sure she wont do something stupid. Hate feeling this way... .
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