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Author Topic: Can someone explain the cut off point in BPD sufferers please?  (Read 6862 times)
jammo1989
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« on: October 12, 2014, 01:03:09 PM »



When a BPD blocks all contact with an ex and jumps straight into their replacement to self soothe, what do you guys think goes through their head?  Is it literally what it states? as in NEVER talk to me again! without any care or emotion behind the process, or is there a reason why they take these kinds of actions to the extreme?  I never pleaded, text or pleaded, she literally just shut me off, do we trigger their traumas, so in turn would trigger their hate towards us.  I personally feel that, we must have meant something if they are going to completely cut us out of their lives, do they think about us, or feel guilt from this extreme action, or is it literally get the eff out of my life, with zero emotion behind such an action?
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« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2014, 01:10:14 PM »

When a BPD blocks all contact with an ex and jumps straight into their replacement to self soothe, what do you guys think goes through their head?  Is it literally what it states? as in NEVER talk to me again! without any care or emotion behind the process, or is there a reason why they take these kinds of actions to the extreme?  I never pleaded, text or pleaded, she literally just shut me off, do we trigger their traumas, so in turn would trigger their hate towards us.  I personally feel that, we must have meant something if they are going to completely cut us out of their lives, do they think about us, or feel guilt from this extreme action, or is it literally get the eff out of my life, with zero emotion behind such an action?

BPD EX:  Wow... my ex was a ___ty person and everything bad that happened in my life must have been because of them.  I will now be happy since they are gone.  They have always dragged down and now I will find a better person.  They ruined my life in everything!  I am so glad I got that cancerous toxic person out of my life and I love how I am not realizing all the good theyve done to me.  By replacing them I will now be happy and move on and not dwell on the past!  HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!  NEW THINGS!  
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hurting300
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« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2014, 01:21:59 PM »

Well let's see. FACT; the blacker they paint you, the deeper the emotional attachment. They have not forgotten about Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). It's the opposite. She's abusing you. Blocking you is passive aggressive emotional abuse. She is making a statement by blocking you. Just because they block you and cut contact does not mean it's completely over. My ex moved out while I was at work and changed her number. So why does she drive miles out of her way to pass my house? See what I mean? You can't dissect a disordered person's thinking patterns.
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« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2014, 01:22:04 PM »

I just realized that she cut contact with me, but she didn't cut contact with her ex when she was with me. Me and him handled it very differently though. He was causing drama, suicide attempts, pushing her every button. Constantly contacting her, withdrawing, contacting her. A big mind-f. I said goodbye, then tried to help her in an undramatic way, and then said goodbye again since she rarely replied and then started seeing another guy. I don't know. I got cut off, he didn't.
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« Reply #4 on: October 12, 2014, 01:27:06 PM »

I just realized that she cut contact with me, but she didn't cut contact with her ex when she was with me. Me and him handled it very differently though. He was causing drama, suicide attempts, pushing her every button. Constantly contacting her, withdrawing, contacting her. A big mind-f. I said goodbye, then tried to help her in an undramatic way, and then said goodbye again since she rarely replied and then started seeing another guy. I don't know. I got cut off, he didn't.

actually, he did get cut off but at a different time more than likely. She was triangulating you and him. She'll continue this pattern with the next man. I thought this about my ex girlfriend also, why did she cut some out and not others. Different times for different men my friend. Every body gets the same treatment.
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« Reply #5 on: October 12, 2014, 01:38:21 PM »

She blocked me on whatsapp. She also used to block me on office communicator, which we use at work. She unblocked me on office communicator when she needed me for something Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

It's a form of control i guess.
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jammo1989
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« Reply #6 on: October 12, 2014, 01:42:16 PM »

Well let's see. FACT; the blacker they paint you, the deeper the emotional attachment. They have not forgotten about Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). It's the opposite. She's abusing you. Blocking you is passive aggressive emotional abuse. She is making a statement by blocking you. Just because they block you and cut contact does not mean it's completely over. My ex moved out while I was at work and changed her number. So why does she drive miles out of her way to pass my house? See what I mean? You can't dissect a disordered person's thinking patterns.

The night before she broke up with me, was one of the most romantic times i ever had with her, so as a healthy adult this behaviour really does mess with your head.  She was still married to her ex husband of 8 years, and she has 2 children with him, so she remained in contact phone contact with him on a daily basis.  She always told me he was still her best friend (apart from me) and she knew full well he still loved her (obsessively) maybe it was the attention that she desired.  Where as with me its been a complete cut off, yes i understand that she has kids with him, but she would text him in a friendly manner even when us 2 were together in person.  She once told me she fell out of love with her ex, but never fully towards me.  If she was that happy to speak to him surely that shows indifference towards him, and that she would happily make conversation.  I think your right i must have been a really close emotional attachment because shes kept all of her exes on Fb over the years bar me.
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hurting300
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« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2014, 01:46:59 PM »

Well let's see. FACT; the blacker they paint you, the deeper the emotional attachment. They have not forgotten about Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). It's the opposite. She's abusing you. Blocking you is passive aggressive emotional abuse. She is making a statement by blocking you. Just because they block you and cut contact does not mean it's completely over. My ex moved out while I was at work and changed her number. So why does she drive miles out of her way to pass my house? See what I mean? You can't dissect a disordered person's thinking patterns.

The night before she broke up with me, was one of the most romantic times i ever had with her, so as a healthy adult this behaviour really does mess with your head.  She was still married to her ex husband of 8 years, and she has 2 children with him, so she remained in contact phone contact with him on a daily basis.  She always told me he was still her best friend (apart from me) and she knew full well he still loved her (obsessively) maybe it was the attention that she desired.  Where as with me its been a complete cut off, yes i understand that she has kids with him, but she would text him in a friendly manner even when us 2 were together in person.  She once told me she fell out of love with her ex, but never fully towards me.  If she was that happy to speak to him surely that shows indifference towards him, and that she would happily make conversation.  I think your right i must have been a really close emotional attachment because shes kept all of her exes on Fb over the years bar me.

Yes the night before my ex disappeared, she let me have it sexually twice and then the next morning. The way I see it, she needed one for the road, she did keep one ex on Facebook but I could tell she just played him like a fiddle, but she blocked him Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). She cared very deeply for me and one other guy... he is dead now. But she was very bad to us both. That is how you can tell you meant something.
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« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2014, 01:51:58 PM »

The cut off point often is when they know it's time for them to make positive changes in their life, to have a better r/s, closer friendships, more honesty, etc., but they choose to remain stuck in their old familiar bad patterns instead.
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hurting300
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« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2014, 01:53:45 PM »

The cut off point often is when they know it's time for them to make positive changes in their life, to have a better r/s, closer friendships, more honesty, etc., but they choose to remain stuck in their old familiar bad patterns instead.

they will most likely never change.
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« Reply #10 on: October 12, 2014, 01:54:47 PM »

They do it because of fear of engulfment. You have become too closed to them, you have seen her flaws and this whole intimacy scares her, so she pushes you away until you broke with her and then she blames you for everything and paints you black, because if you are not black, who is the one who is supposed to be blamed ?( her) If you don't break up with her, she will eventually do it but it will take more time until you have done something real or imaginary wrong to paint you black and break up with you.
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jammo1989
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« Reply #11 on: October 12, 2014, 02:29:11 PM »



What I have read is that, their emotions get so intense that their only defence mechanism is shut off and become numb, they almost try to protect themselves from extreme emotional pain, they then hate you for making them feel this way.  and the best way to eradicate this intense feeling they decide to block us out of their lives, its kind of like a monster under the bed, the child believes that if she hides herself under the duvet she feels safe and the monster (us) cant hurt her any more.
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sl1978

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« Reply #12 on: October 12, 2014, 11:49:45 PM »

What I have read is that, their emotions get so intense that their only defence mechanism is shut off and become numb, they almost try to protect themselves from extreme emotional pain, they then hate you for making them feel this way.  and the best way to eradicate this intense feeling they decide to block us out of their lives, its kind of like a monster under the bed, the child believes that if she hides herself under the duvet she feels safe and the monster (us) cant hurt her any more.

Is it worth trying to break through somehow to let her know you care? I don't want to give up on someone I love. Everything I see on this board seems to indicate that these kinds of people should just be moved on from. But is BPD something that can be recovered from and can these people someday have healthy relationships?
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« Reply #13 on: October 13, 2014, 01:09:24 AM »

SL:  Despite what the therapists and psychiatrists say, NO THEY DON'T GET BETTER.  The only reason BPD was put in to the DSM III was so doctors and therapists can bill insurance companies.  There is not cure.  There is therapy that teaches them to not be such an ass.  But, do you really want to continue in a relationship where deep down you know that she doesn't really have a moral compass?  Every time she does something wrong and apologizes, you'll know that she really isn't sorry. 

Get out!
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« Reply #14 on: October 13, 2014, 01:30:30 AM »

gtjosefs: That's sad to hear that. In my case, this was not really an ongoing problem over the years. It was something that manifested very quickly over the last few months, and after a 7 year relationship (5 year marriage) she just moved out on an hour's notice, no explanation, wouldn't give me her new address, and now total silent treatment for 5 weeks.

I guess if this was the 3rd or 4th time going through this I would be more certain that giving up on her was the right thing to do. She has not been diagnosed with BPD (as far as I know) but everything I've read on this board sounds a lot like her behavior recently.
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« Reply #15 on: October 13, 2014, 01:31:53 AM »

When a BPD blocks all contact with an ex and jumps straight into their replacement to self soothe, what do you guys think goes through their head?  Is it literally what it states? as in NEVER talk to me again! without any care or emotion behind the process, or is there a reason why they take these kinds of actions to the extreme?  I never pleaded, text or pleaded, she literally just shut me off, do we trigger their traumas, so in turn would trigger their hate towards us.  I personally feel that, we must have meant something if they are going to completely cut us out of their lives, do they think about us, or feel guilt from this extreme action, or is it literally get the eff out of my life, with zero emotion behind such an action?

I'm sorry for the way that you were treated. It's painfully difficult when you're ex treated you like you never existed and jumped ship.

It's not so much to self soothe. It is an attachment disorder. She sensed abandonment perceived or real and lacks a stable sense of self. She doesn't really know who she is.

She copes entirely different. The zero emotion is a primitive defense mechanism against anxiety and stress. It's called splitting and it's not something she consciously controls. You're put on a pedestal, only to be knocked down said pedestal with no middle ground. A pwBPD have difficulties seeing the grey areas in people and in life. She sees the black and white.

NEVER in itself is a black and white statement. When the mirror starts to crack with the replacement ( attachment ) she may start to treat you differently ( split white ) and put her feelers out  I found that my exe's NC or being split black had a silver lining. It gave me distance from her so that I could heal my wounds. The radio silence and being ignored from your ex is hard I know.
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« Reply #16 on: October 13, 2014, 05:47:26 AM »

They do it because of fear of engulfment. You have become too closed to them, you have seen her flaws and this whole intimacy scares her, so she pushes you away until you broke with her and then she blames you for everything and paints you black, because if you are not black, who is the one who is supposed to be blamed ?( her) If you don't break up with her, she will eventually do it but it will take more time until you have done something real or imaginary wrong to paint you black and break up with you.

This comment made me feel better for some reason.  But I guess it also means that whenever they feel like you're not that close to them anymore, then they tend to come back and rekindle the relationship?  Which might explain why most all BPDex's come back?

Idk, I'm just asking questions
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camuse
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« Reply #17 on: October 13, 2014, 06:12:08 AM »

Well let's see. FACT; the blacker they paint you, the deeper the emotional attachment. They have not forgotten about Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). It's the opposite. She's abusing you. Blocking you is passive aggressive emotional abuse. She is making a statement by blocking you. Just because they block you and cut contact does not mean it's completely over. My ex moved out while I was at work and changed her number. So why does she drive miles out of her way to pass my house? See what I mean? You can't dissect a disordered person's thinking patterns.

The night before she broke up with me, was one of the most romantic times i ever had with her, so as a healthy adult this behaviour really does mess with your head.  She was still married to her ex husband of 8 years, and she has 2 children with him, so she remained in contact phone contact with him on a daily basis.  She always told me he was still her best friend (apart from me) and she knew full well he still loved her (obsessively) maybe it was the attention that she desired.  Where as with me its been a complete cut off, yes i understand that she has kids with him, but she would text him in a friendly manner even when us 2 were together in person.  She once told me she fell out of love with her ex, but never fully towards me.  If she was that happy to speak to him surely that shows indifference towards him, and that she would happily make conversation.  I think your right i must have been a really close emotional attachment because shes kept all of her exes on Fb over the years bar me.

Yes the night before my ex disappeared, she let me have it sexually twice and then the next morning. The way I see it, she needed one for the road, she did keep one ex on Facebook but I could tell she just played him like a fiddle, but she blocked him Laugh out loud (click to insert in post). She cared very deeply for me and one other guy... he is dead now. But she was very bad to us both. That is how you can tell you meant something.

Just to comment on this: after mine broke up with, after recycling me about 7 or 8 times when I'd had enough of her, we stayed in close contact for a couple of months. Each time I saw her she seemed a little softer, and I naively thought the time out of the r/s would let her draw a line under things and we would get back together and put things behind us and be ok (!). I feel pretty dumb about this now of course.

After 2 months we spent a whole weekend together, it was perfect just like the early days. Lots of fun, food, trips, films, laughter - and we had sex again, it was very nice. The next day I was very happy, sure this was the start of things working out for us. But when I met her that evening, she had gone totally the other way - totally distant, cold, cruel. Two days later we spoke for the last time ever, and I went NC.

It was so sad - I see now that the lovely weekend actually triggered her to pull right away for good. A healthy person would think, this is nice, this is what I want. She however was engulfed, and that was the end of us. It's so sad. To keep them close you have to keep them at a distance. This is how broken they are - the opposite of healthy.

It's as if they cannot allow themselves to have the one thing they want. But they also don't know what they want. Yet they fear they'll never have it. And also they have to prevent it. What a way to live. This is why you cannot be friends with them, they just destroy - themselves, others, their own chance of happiness. And you cannot have any contact with that person you felt so close to. It's not normal, not natural, and just tragic. It still makes me sad now. It all comes to absolutely nothing at all, and they go off to repeat the misery all over again with some other poor victim. It's just terribly sad.
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« Reply #18 on: October 13, 2014, 07:49:20 AM »

My expwBPD has a serious mental illness.   I don't understand the mechanism in how she thinks.  I don't think she understands either.   I have spent enough time NC so that the BU doesn't hurt me as much anymore.   My T has also said that it is difficult if not impossible to have a healthy relationship with her.  But I understand where you are Jammo because i have been there.  Once you start to detach you will see your relationship for what it truly was.
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« Reply #19 on: October 13, 2014, 08:03:47 AM »

Forget about BPD for a minute. Does an adult just walk out of a 7 year relationship with no warning, not wanting to talk about what she feels is wrong? An emotionally mature person does not do that. Forget all the BPD jargon, emotionally mature people have empathy, they know that relationships hit rocky spots and talk about it. This woman just walked, even if you got her back, how would you know when she would next walk again? At the very least she should have treated you with enough respect to say "I need some time alone"

Think very seriously about pursuing or letting this person back into your life.

gtjosefs: That's sad to hear that. In my case, this was not really an ongoing problem over the years. It was something that manifested very quickly over the last few months, and after a 7 year relationship (5 year marriage) she just moved out on an hour's notice, no explanation, wouldn't give me her new address, and now total silent treatment for 5 weeks.

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fred6
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« Reply #20 on: October 13, 2014, 08:09:51 AM »

They do it because of fear of engulfment. You have become too closed to them, you have seen her flaws and this whole intimacy scares her, so she pushes you away until you broke with her and then she blames you for everything and paints you black, because if you are not black, who is the one who is supposed to be blamed ?( her) If you don't break up with her, she will eventually do it but it will take more time until you have done something real or imaginary wrong to paint you black and break up with you.

This comment made me feel better for some reason.  But I guess it also means that whenever they feel like you're not that close to them anymore, then they tend to come back and rekindle the relationship?  Which might explain why most all BPDex's come back?

Idk, I'm just asking questions

Mine ain't coming back. I'm pretty sure of that.
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hurting300
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« Reply #21 on: October 13, 2014, 08:58:32 AM »

Don't be so sure she's not coming back. Mine just completely disappeared but then I find she's been driving out of the way to pass my house... don't never say never my friend.
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« Reply #22 on: October 13, 2014, 09:08:04 AM »

They do it because of fear of engulfment. You have become too closed to them, you have seen her flaws and this whole intimacy scares her, so she pushes you away until you broke with her and then she blames you for everything and paints you black, because if you are not black, who is the one who is supposed to be blamed ?( her) If you don't break up with her, she will eventually do it but it will take more time until you have done something real or imaginary wrong to paint you black and break up with you.

This comment made me feel better for some reason.  But I guess it also means that whenever they feel like you're not that close to them anymore, then they tend to come back and rekindle the relationship?  Which might explain why most all BPDex's come back?

Idk, I'm just asking questions

Mine ain't coming back. I'm pretty sure of that.

What makes you so sure though?
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« Reply #23 on: October 13, 2014, 09:20:12 AM »

Had I been home all the times my ex came over i would have been recycled. I'm sure of it.
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« Reply #24 on: October 13, 2014, 09:43:59 AM »

What makes you so sure though?

She has nothing to do with any of her ex's. In her words, "once I'm done with a guy, I have no more use for him" and "I don't do the make up break up thing". Although, we were together for 3 years and none of her other relationships in the past 10 years lasted more than 4 months. I'm pretty sure that I've gotten closer to her than anyone has in a long time. The following old post that I read the other night sums it up:

She would never give in to call me, or contact me... .it would mean weakness on her part, and that perhaps she was wrong... .AND THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN! Good luck my friend.

That is exactly how my ex is. I can't say that she'll never contact me. But I'm 99% sure that she won't. She has some kind of fake independence/will power. She won't show anyone weakness. I only saw her cry 2 times in 3 years.

In an odd coincidence. That old post by Vagabond up there was posted on the same day that I contacted her on Facebook back in 2011. That's fcuking spooky

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