What seems to be helping?

[rockinne]

I must assume that all of us here at the "Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship" board have removed ourselves from the toxic relationships we were in with BPD partners. We have begun the healing process to recover from the damage and wounds.  I am curious what some of the things others here have found have been helpful in this process.  What has made you better off now, helped you grow, or has facilitated the healing that we all hope for ourselves?

[Deeno02]

Im still a basketcase. 1 month and some change b/u, 16 days NC. This forum helps immensly and Ive started therapy. Thats what has been helping me. The folks on here are priceless.

[ReluctantSurvivor]

I am 10 weeks past the collapse of my engagement to my exBPDgf.  The first month was the worst and most pervasive sorrow I have felt in my life.  The things I have found to be helpful:

 Immediatly reaching out to friends and family to talk.  My mother and sister in law were a god send.

 Exercise really helped give me a distraction when I was having really bad moments.  When my heartache would be at its worst I would do 10 push ups.  If I still hurt a minute later, 10 more.  This combined with half hour workouts 3 days a week really helped.

 I forced myself to get out of the house, even if it was only to go to a store for an hour.  Fresh scenery cleared my head.

 This forum is a significant source of support.  Letting out my problems here has prevented me from creating bigger problems with facebook or real world outbursts.

 I started seeing a therapist every two weeks.  This really helps me out, especially hearing his insights into BPD.

 I have gone out and met new people and reconnected with old friends.  Every second spent in the company of balanced individuals puts me another step farther awsy from crazy town.

 Basically I have done my best to live my life and get used to doing it without that person that used to be my shadow.  It hasn't been easy and I have had lots of time where I have had to take a personal time out and fall apart long enough to release my troubles.

[Loveofhislife]

All of the above. I realized today that I need to get busier with work. I became stimulated today doing the most arduous task on the planet: tax returns. I was able to obsess over something other than exbfBPD and be the obsessive tax preparer I know how to be. "Out of the mouth of babes?" My 20 year old son said today about the abandonment, "... .but Mom, you wanted to break up with him anyway--he just made it easier by doing it for you." Problem is, he never broke up with me, but my son has a glass is half full way of looking at things. So, pondering his words, what is it that I am truly grieving? Something to think about. This site is a God send, and so thankful for friends and family who I never cut off no matter how diligently exbfBPD tried to separate me from my support system. Divide and conquer; achieve TOTAL CONTROL of their victim--almost as if they want you to have no lifeline when they abuse and abandon. Exercise, prayer, nature, pets, family, friends, and BPD Family--and a dang good therapist! So thankful.

[Mr Hollande]

First of all NC. From there exercise and lots of it. Punishing sessions at times. Holding my head high. Being indignant. Who is she to throw me away like that? Anger. Lots and lots of anger. Hatred and lots of it. How DARE she barge into my life and create disorder like she did? Meeting women and realising that I am attractive to more than enough of them is reaffirming. Also going on a failed date recently and walking out early after having recognised enough red flags was a rewarding experience. Apart from that there isn't a whole lot I intend to change about my life. I'm doing what I enjoy and I was doing it long before she appeared. She's the one who needs changing, not me. I have been on a steady route to good things for a long time and I have no reason to change that. None at all. And last, NC! Always NC!

[Deeno02]

First of all NC. From there exercise and lots of it. Punishing sessions at times. Holding my head high. Being indignant. Who is she to throw me away like that? Anger. Lots and lots of anger. Hatred and lots of it. How DARE she barge into my life and create disorder like she did? Meeting women and realising that I am attractive to more than enough of them is reaffirming. Also going on a failed date recently and walking out early after having recognised enough red flags was a rewarding experience. Apart from that there isn't a whole lot I intend to change about my life. I'm doing what I enjoy and I was doing it long before she appeared. She's the one who needs changing, not me. I have been on a steady route to good things for a long time and I have no reason to change that. None at all. And last, NC! Always NC!

What if you run into her? As I've mentioned before, she coaches my kid. What do you recommend?

[Mr Hollande]

I am in a fortunate and probably to many here enviable position to live in a separate country from her. There is no reason why our paths should cross ever again. Because of that I am not the right person to advice you on that. There are plenty here who can though.

[gtjosefs]

Deeno, that's a good question.  I find myself in that predicament as well because we have a child together.  So, we will have to see each other for the rest of our lives.  I dread this more than you can think.  So, for 3 times a week, I will feel the hurt all over again.  This sucks. 

[Pingo]

Reading

Journaling

Seeing a Therapist

Finding things to laugh about

This board!

Going for a walk every lunch hour

Went for a vigorous hike in the mountains Saturday, hadn't done that in a long time

I was spending a lot of time at the ocean by myself with a good book but it's getting a little chilly for that now

Trying to find something to be grateful every day

[drummerboy]

In no particular order these are some of the things that have helped me:

Understanding that I was dealing with a child, an emotionally immature person.

Understanding that she never loved me, she loved a fantasy version of me that she created in her own mind.

Understanding that I didn't love her, I "fell in love" with an actor, someone who made it their business to make themselves irresitable to me.

[Ihope2]

No contact whatsoever has helped, although it was a hell of a thing to get accustomed to. It was like this person had died and I was FORCED into grieving the loss:

Trying to stick to my daily running / jogging routine;

My sister, who has had my back through it all.  She is on her own journey of spiritual enlightenment, self-awareness and healing.  And she is a psychologist. But first and foremost, she is a wonderful human being with a profound depth of understanding.

A colleague at work, who has been my confidante and has also had my back through it all when I felt like I could just collapse into a heap of nothingness and never rise again.

This wonderful website with a collective pool of profound and hard-won insight.

Literature that I have become aware of through this website, I try to purchase a book every other month on subjects such as childhood abandonement, healing the inner child, and whatever else speaks to me and my life issues.

Just quietly being able to continue with my life, being at work each day, finding my energy returning to tackle tasks at hand.

Getting out into nature.

Quiet time at home, with my three loving cats and the peaceful atmosphere they bring about.

Praying to the Higher Power of my understanding with gratitude in my heart for all that has gone right in my life and praying for blessings for my loved ones, myself and for my exBPDh.  Praying for the continued strength to forgive fully, detach fully and continue on my own path without looking back.

[rockinne]

Wow!  It is inspirational to read about the progress others are making and their growth. What I am getting is that  we have become more proactive in our own healthy and productive lifestyle. It is liberating to no longer be manipulated and controlled by those we allowed to take over our lives. It is painful, but I would offer that the most pain comes when we dwell on the past and what being in the relationship was like. The resentment or shame and guilt that we may feel brings hurt. We are in a way reliving the same pain that we experienced before.  

I have learned from you all that being physically active helps; building on healthy supportive relationships has brought relief and happiness.  When we are tempted to dwell on the negative of the past, it is a good idea to find something productive to take our minds from that.  Accepting the reality of the relationship we were in is crucial.  The person we loved was never really the person we believer him/her to be.  We would never be able to help him/her to become that person either.  We can never rescue others from themselves.  Thank you all for you honesty.  

[Mr Hollande]

Understanding that I didn't love her, I "fell in love" with an actor, someone who made it their business to make themselves irresitable to me.

That's very true. I've spent the weekend with a lovely lady and as is normal the "our ex's" part of getting to know each other was handled. As hers seems like a normal guy albeit a bit immature and slob she didn't have as much to say about him as I did about mine. She asked if I still loved her and I said no. I explained how the disorder means that the person I had loved doesn't exist. I don't think she understood fully what I meant. And why should she? She never had the nasty experience that we've had which is quite refreshing in itself.

[Mutt]

What if you run into her? As I've mentioned before, she coaches my kid. What do you recommend?

I recommend detaching and low contact if you cannot go NC. Work towards a goal with depersonalizing her behaviors. Learn as much as you can and you'll see  things for what they are -- insecurities and maladaptive coping skills.

I think that it's key rockinne to depersonalize. Taking care of ourselves, having patience and not being hard on ourselves in this process. Understanding that it takes time and it really gets better. You can get control of your life back.

[allweareisallweare]

NC - it's bliss. I am no longer entwined with her. I don't relate to her, so why should I expense more of my personality and insight and hard work on her? As discussed recently, NC is so multi-faceted and useful. I have to believe in my own power and limitations - I have to accept failure and futility. I can't save her, but I could come close, I could have loved her. I just leave her to it now, what else can I do?

Music - I always listen to it, every day. It blocks out thoughts and feelings.

This board - Checking out how others are doing. You're all an inspiration! Someone did say that if we were on this board we are still focusing on the BPD and all it entails,  but it's not that a pessimistic view - the family keeps one another going!

Hobbies - I'm a big time birdwatcher, it always helps to get out to nature and suspend city life and being in the apartment and dwelling etc 

[rockinne]

No contact whatsoever has helped, although it was a hell of a thing to get accustomed to. It was like this person had died and I was FORCED into grieving the loss:

Trying to stick to my daily running / jogging routine;

My sister, who has had my back through it all.  She is on her own journey of spiritual enlightenment, self-awareness and healing.  And she is a psychologist. But first and foremost, she is a wonderful human being with a profound depth of understanding.

A colleague at work, who has been my confidante and has also had my back through it all when I felt like I could just collapse into a heap of nothingness and never rise again.

This wonderful website with a collective pool of profound and hard-won insight.

Literature that I have become aware of through this website, I try to purchase a book every other month on subjects such as childhood abandonement, healing the inner child, and whatever else speaks to me and my life issues.

Just quietly being able to continue with my life, being at work each day, finding my energy returning to tackle tasks at hand.

Getting out into nature.

Quiet time at home, with my three loving cats and the peaceful atmosphere they bring about.

Praying to the Higher Power of my understanding with gratitude in my heart for all that has gone right in my life and praying for blessings for my loved ones, myself and for my exBPDh.  Praying for the continued strength to forgive fully, detach fully and continue on my own path without looking back.

I'm certain it must feel great to no longer be in the toxic relationship.  It is good you have such close people in your life also. I have removed myself from the relationship and am fortunate that we both understand the value of NC.  But, I don't have any really close relationships here, having only lived here about a year and a half.  I am a dog person, and am grateful for the blessing of them in my life as you do the cats. The higher power is also a blessing. Thanks for your comments.   

[rockinne]

What if you run into her? As I've mentioned before, she coaches my kid. What do you recommend?

I recommend detaching and low contact if you cannot go NC. Work towards a goal with depersonalizing her behaviors. Learn as much as you can and you'll see  things for what they are -- insecurities and maladaptive coping skills.

I think that it's key rockinne to depersonalize. Taking care of ourselves, having patience and not being hard on ourselves in this process. Understanding that it takes time and it really gets better. You can get control of your life back.

Thanks for the encouragement.  I have been able to finally detach, once I realized I cannot be her rescuer. I had to realize that I need to live my own life by regaining control of myself.  You are right in that it requires that I sever all contact between her and me. It took some time but it feels so liberating now.  I have learned that I am not responsible for her happiness, so as you said, I have had to learn not to be hard on myself. That her criticism and blame were merely a result of her distorted reality and had nothing to do with the real me.