Our relationships weren't special

[tim_tom]

Something that often occurs to me on this board is how many of the stories hit close to home, the patterns and behaviors so similar sometimes unbelievably so. It's comforting, in a  misery loves company sort of way.

But I think the bigger insight to learn is that what it means is that our relationships weren't as special or unique as we sometimes like to think. Thinking like this prevents moving on and increases depression...   "I'll never have love like that again", "I'll never meet anyone else", "I've lost the love of my life". BS, this board is filled with people going through the same horror as you, and the boards past is certainly filled with exponentially more people who went through it, came out the other side and find no reason to continue to post here. The archives are filled with people like this

I dunno, it's important for me to remember. This wasn't some great love of my life, this was a sick, pathologically self centered person who has a particular skill for sucking people into there distorted reality and then ejecting them when they have nothing left to give.

There's probably a decent chance one of her past ex's or future ex's will find there way here, I have no doubt. In fact, since I knew when she unceremoniously dumped her last ex I tried to go through the archives to find him awhile back. And I gave up! There's just too many stories to go through!

[Fluff]

A note on writing down your stories. Do it, if you haven't, for yourself. I go back and read my story from time to time and every time I see it differently, with more distance. By now when I read it I'm like What the F happened here? Did I go through that? Oh yeah I remember. Crazy times. Who was that person? I was in love with that?

[tim_tom]

A note on writing down your stories. Do it, if you haven't, for yourself. I go back and read my story from time to time and every time I see it differently, with more distance. By now when I read it I'm like What the F happened here? Did I go through that? Oh yeah I remember. Crazy times. Who was that person? I was in love with that?

yes, I remember writing it down the first time being cathartic.

Thanks to her, I was under the working impression it was all my fault till I got in therapy, which lead me to here. Once I wrote it all down, I was like wow she really was a jerkhole and my withdrawing and alcohol abuse was simply a poor choice of coping, I should've dumped her!

[pieceofme]

A note on writing down your stories. Do it, if you haven't, for yourself. I go back and read my story from time to time and every time I see it differently, with more distance. By now when I read it I'm like What the F happened here? Did I go through that? Oh yeah I remember. Crazy times. Who was that person? I was in love with that?

over the course of my relationship, i used the notes app on my phone to journal. the other day, i was deleting the notes and was shocked to look back and really see what my ex did to me and put me through... .over and over again... .and i kept giving him chances expecting different results. insanity. it was a harsh reality check, leaving me wondering why exactly i'm still missing him so much. definitely crazy.

[AlwaysForgiving]

over the course of my relationship, i used the notes app on my phone to journal. the other day, i was deleting the notes and was shocked to look back and really see what my ex did to me and put me through... .over and over again... .and i kept giving him chances expecting different results. insanity. it was a harsh reality check, leaving me wondering why exactly i'm still missing him so much. definitely crazy.

There was a period early in our relationship where we communicated A LOT through the IM on yahoo. Pretty much our entire communication is still archived in my account history. I could randomly pick a section and witness the horror that was taking place that day. There are still some random old deleted emails still lurking about in my history.

I am seriously thinking about going back and finding all I can so I can write about it. It might be a good exercise to map out our history... .or it might just open old wounds. I am undecided... .

[Hurtbeyondrepair27]

I deleted all our old conversations... .hurt too much.

horrible stuff.

[Fluff]

AlwaysForgiving, before putting my story together I actually went through all the logs in whatsapp, facebook, skype and sms's and made a timeline with it all the events that seemed important... . It was so interesting to see how the different events related to each other. When I was deep in the fog I didn't see how different events related to each other, you know, it was just a confusing mess I was panicking my way trough, but the timeline gave me the objectivity to see how X happened just a few days after Y had happened and so on.

[clydegriffith]

I agree. It's important not to compare any future relationships to the beginning of your BPD relationship and feel as if it doesn't quite measure up. We all have to remember that no matter how great the beggining of that BPD relationship was, it was not real.

[Mutt]

I agree. It's important not to compare any future relationships to the beginning of your BPD relationship and feel as if it doesn't quite measure up. We all have to remember that no matter how great the beggining of that BPD relationship was, it was not real.

A relationship where we're idealized isn't healthy.

[Tiepje3]

Funny, after reading a few of these replies, I decided to read my first postings (before my recycle) from 2011. I was then exactly where I was a few months ago and actually it made me feel much better.

I am very depressed, sad, hurt at the moment. It's Friday night over here, teenage kids are all out, just me and my glass of port (and some nice cheese), but reading back brought a smile to my face.

It validated me again. Yes, he is a bad person. Yes, he is an a$$hole, always was and always will be. I am doing the right thing. I just have to make it through these bad months and at some point I WILL reach the end of the tunnel.

My relationship wasn't special. It was a roller coaster of chaos and ups and downs and some good times (very good) and a lot of bad times (very bad).

Pffeewwww, feeling much better!

[cancan88]

My biggest fear is normal is not good enough. It seems also as well I have to force myself to avoid reengaging with these BPD people. I know my relationship wasn't this huge special once in a life time event. But I'm so used to the dynamics. It's like dating someone that can finish your sentence and you can feel like you known them your entire life after a few dates. Most of us don't come from perfect homes or families. And even my BPD had similar experiences to my own history, except she is the taker and I'm the giver/savior type.

It's crazy how I can see all the warning signs and red flags, but my mind still craves that attention. Even I have a few orbiters that out of blue after my break up start contacting me after my breakup. I don't know how they know. Just be careful and stay strong.  

[Caredverymuch]

I agree. It's important not to compare any future relationships to the beginning of your BPD relationship and feel as if it doesn't quite measure up. We all have to remember that no matter how great the beggining of that BPD relationship was, it was not real.

A relationship where we're idealized isn't healthy.

To add to this, a relationship that " deepens" that quickly is not healthy.

My expBPD always said how "in love" he with me.  Whereby I always said " I love you, for just being you."

In learning, pBPD need that " in love"- idealization to continue to relive the fantasy.  Nons need the next layers.  The growing of love.  The real knowing of one another.  Being there for one another in non threatening chaotic ways.

That is true intimacy.

They miss out on the best part of " love" due to the disorder. 

That exists to deny it self.

[Blimblam]

My relationship was special to me. Just not sustainable.

[myself]

My relationship was special to me. Just not sustainable.

Me, too. And also true for my ex. She wasn't always trying to hook or punish me. We shared many priceless moments, but the disorder spun the r/s down the drain. Somewhat daydreams/illusions, it also meant much at the time.

Accepting that it is what it is includes accepting it was what it was.

We can't get too lost in tearing our pasts apart. Our focus needs to be today.

[Deeno02]

My relationship was special to me. Just not sustainable.

Me, too. And also true for my ex. She wasn't always trying to hook or punish me. We shared many priceless moments, but the disorder spun the r/s down the drain. Even though some of it was daydreams/illusions, it meant something at the time.

Accepting that it is what it is includes accepting it was what it was.

We can't get too lost in tearing our pasts apart. Our focus needs to be today.

i guess i wasnt good enough to sustain the r/s. A year and a half and the last 4 months spun out of control with me going blacker and blacker until i got replaced. Sad because i love(d) her, still do.  Not sure how to move on anymore, but it cant be with her.

[peiper]

Same here. There were priceless times, but it got progressively worse. I loved the illusion of her. And that's all it was, illusion.

[Blimblam]

My relationship was special to me. Just not sustainable.

Me, too. And also true for my ex. She wasn't always trying to hook or punish me. We shared many priceless moments, but the disorder spun the r/s down the drain. Even though some of it was daydreams/illusions, it meant something at the time.

Accepting that it is what it is includes accepting it was what it was.

We can't get too lost in tearing our pasts apart. Our focus needs to be today.

i guess i wasnt good enough to sustain the r/s. A year and a half and the last 4 months spun out of control with me going blacker and blacker until i got replaced. Sad because i love(d) her, still do.  Not sure how to move on anymore, but it cant be with her.

The nature of the disorder is the inability to sustain intimate relationships. True intimacy triggers the disorder it's not your fault. It wasn't meant to be sustained, at least not the way you had hoped.

[myself]

i guess i wasnt good enough to sustain the r/s. A year and a half and the last 4 months spun out of control with me going blacker and blacker until i got replaced.

This is a key time in detaching, really breaking it down to what you did/didn't do. So, being honest with yourself, were you good enough? Did you really do something(s) so terrible you've deserved to be treated the way you were? It's not about blame but accountability. When I was younger, there's a r/s I can say I was more the reason it didn't work out. This most recent one, that I post about? I know I did my best. I saw time and time again how she was the one doing things like painting the other black. It's wounded me but I'll survive. Because I choose to. Because I look in the mirror and really look to really see myself. I regret some of my actions in the r/s, but none of them were bad enough to have ended it. When I ask myself why the r/s is over, it's because she was disordered and not being honest, she said goodbye, and I admitted, "Yeah, that's enough of that." If you love someone let them go, etc. That applies to myself, you, anybody. Being able to look yourself in the eye means you're able to look someone else in the eye, being real with them. But your perspective matters most. You're not anyone's projection. You're You.

[Loveofhislife]

Thanks, BPD Family--awesome stuff--I must keep reminding myself. He rejected intimacy: not me. Now I must choose me. There is no other sustainable choice.

[peiper]

Thanks, BPD Family--awesome stuff--I must keep reminding myself. He rejected intimacy: not me. Now I must choose me. There is no other sustainable choice.

That is the only answer !