Issues with being unable to prioritize myself

[Trog]

Hi Guys,

Yesterday I faced a situation which dramatically brought home my serious issues with being unable to prioritize myself, my safety and health and wellbeing over another person's comfort and needs. We're here because of getting involved in an abusive relationship with a person with BPD where we've accepted unacceptable behaviour and yesterday I got face to face with a dangerous situation that highlighted my coda issues in an extreme way but not with my BPD.

Yesterday I was on a train going home and half way through the journey some drifter/homeless guy sat opposite me. He looks upset and aggiatated and automatically my first thought is to worry for him and there was also a feeling in my self that perhaps I should move, he smelt bad, was drinking alcohol and it was making me uncomfortable. But instead of moving, I sit there because my thinking was "If I get up and move, he'll know I moved because he is unappealing and this will hurt his feelings".

So instead of removing myself from the danger I continue to sit there, feeling uncomfortable but worrying for this man who i've never met. Sitting there was a huge mistake. He proceeded to tell me a story about his troubles and how he had been robbed of his shoes and eventually, showed me that he was carrying a knife. Great! Uncomfortable scale goes up 100 points and now I really can not move as I'm not sure if I am being threatened or not. He then takes out a laminated paper about his problems that he uses to beg with and asks for money. At this point, i felt for safety it makes sense to give him money, so I give him a low note and he thanks me for it. I continue to sit there until I have to get off the train.

I knew this guy could have been trouble, and chose instead to just sit there so as to not hurt his feelings and end up sitting in fear for 30 minutes because I chose to value the feelings of a hobo who eventually semi-robbed me over my own safety. This is ridiculous. And in a nutshell, a 30 minute example of the last 7 years of my life. I've prioritized the needs to another person over my own to the point where I've lost friends, money and years of my life.

The hit and run of the train guy wont sit with me as long as the BPD relationship but it was a sharp shock. STOP putting the needs or others ahead of yourself, it makes you useless to yourself and to everyone around anyway. And if you feel uncomfortable, remove yourself, trust yourself, the "feelings" of a crazy train hobo, or a crazy BPD are not worth putting yourself in danger. A healthy person would have got up ASAP and changed carriages. I want to be the healthy person!

[Tiepje3]

Great example. The root of the problem is the fact that we're afraid of confrontation/conflict. And that is probably based on low self-esteem, wanting to be friends with everyone, wanting to be loved.

Worth thinking about, thanks for posting.

[peiper]

That sounds like the last two years of my life, except it was a Flight Attendant for United laying next to me 

[Trog]

That sounds like the last two years of my life, except it was a Flight Attendant for United laying next to me 

Ha!

Yes. Next time I feel like I should move... .or leave. I'm on my feet asap.

[hope2727]

Such a clear example. I have been trying to find tiny examples in my life and practice stating my needs right away to get them met. For instance I have a door that has to be pulled tight to make it lock properly. No one does this and it wrecks the lock. I am going to demonstrate and request that everyone do this later today to make sure the lock isn't wrecked. Baby steps I know.

[Junknown]

Its interesting reading that out because i identified myself with the way you acted and tought Trog. And I think if i was in a similar situation i would also feel bad for moving away from him and would feel pity of him for seeing him in the situation he was on.

And i must agree, it is bad... .We can get into trouble by acting like that.

I hope you and me and whoever feels and acts the same way as you did can make it change. Im trying, but it's difficult to change who you are and your reactions to the world out there. Those are ways of acting that are rooted deeply into who you are.

But i guess its just a matter of trying and being strong. First step is to realise who you are and what is wrong with you. Then in the next step you can try to make a change out of it.

Borderlines can't even understand the first step. But we can, so we can try to make a change.

[Aussie0zborn]

Thanks for posting this topic. I have never read such a clear insight in to one's own self on these forums before.

I would think that the fact that you have identified it means you are on a clear road to solving that issue. I can certainly relate to you and your example. Good luck.

[Trog]

Borderlines can't even understand the first step. But we can, so we can try to make a change.

Thanks AussieOzborn and Junknown.

Whilst I can identify my issues, I am not as good at changing my behaviour. It's been a strange weekend though and I feel some relief actually in knowing that I have some emotional issues, so first step taken, I just hope I have the courage to take the steps to act in healthy ways going forward. But thank you for your kind words. I'm certainly going to try.