What is a high functioning borderline?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

While i became aware of this illness towards the end of my relationship with BPDx, i pretty much assumed she fell into the "high functioning" category because she appears nice and normal but i'm thinking now that i may be wrong and more elements of her life should be in order to be considered high functioning. What do you all think? For those that haven't read any my posts, here's a very brief summary of the BPDx:

1) Mid 20's with 4 very young kids by 3 different guys (one of the kids is mine). She lost custody of the two older kids that are 5 and 6

2) Despite being a college graduate, she's never had a good or steady job. Just a few gigs in retail and currently bartending.

3) Has never been single as she jumps from one extreme relationship to another and from what i know continues sleeping around a cheating in all these relationships. All the relationships she's had never end with an amicabble parting of ways, its always something crazy that happens.

4) Is not at all sociable when it comes to women but loves attention from men

5) Made false domestic violence claims against me telling police that i did what she actually did to me

6) Doesn't get along with any of her family and is actually banned from her mother's house. From my conversations with the mom, they are only in the picture because they love the kids and don't think they should be punished for BPDx's poor life decisions

Would someone like this fall under "high functioning" so long as she appears normal to most people?

[clydegriffith]

While i became aware of this illness towards the end of my relationship with BPDx, i pretty much assumed she fell into the "high functioning" category because she appears nice and normal but i'm thinking now that i may be wrong and more elements of her life should be in order to be considered high functioning. What do you all think? For those that haven't read any my posts, here's a very brief summary of the BPDx:

1) Mid 20's with 4 very young kids by 3 different guys (one of the kids is mine). She lost custody of the two older kids that are 5 and 6

2) Despite being a college graduate, she's never had a good or steady job. Just a few gigs in retail and currently bartending.

3) Has never been single as she jumps from one extreme relationship to another and from what i know continues sleeping around a cheating in all these relationships. All the relationships she's had never end with an amicabble parting of ways, its always something crazy that happens.

4) Is not at all sociable when it comes to women but loves attention from men

5) Made false domestic violence claims against me telling police that i did what she actually did to me

6) Doesn't get along with any of her family and is actually banned from her mother's house. From my conversations with the mom, they are only in the picture because they love the kids and don't think they should be punished for BPDx's poor life decisions

Would someone like this fall under "high functioning" so long as she appears normal to most people?

[Bak86]

That sounds more like low functioning to me.

[Infern0]

Mine was low functioning.

Eating disorder

Chronic low self esteem

Bouts of crippling depression where she couldn't get out of bed

Unable to last more than a couple of months in college

Unable to keep a job longer than a few months

unable to maintain friendships

no Idea how money works

Below average intellect

Self harm

Suicide attempts

Basically a complete mess who just can not take care of herself. She has a few weeks here and there where she is stable,  but is never far from falling into the absolute pit of despair and lying in bed crying for days on end.

[hurting300]

I think the high vs low thing is myth.

[clydegriffith]

Mine was low functioning.

Eating disorder

Chronic low self esteem

Bouts of crippling depression where she couldn't get out of bed

Unable to last more than a couple of months in college

Unable to keep a job longer than a few months

unable to maintain friendships

no Idea how money works

Below average intellect

Self harm

Suicide attempts

Basically a complete mess who just can not take care of herself. She has a few weeks here and there where she is stable,  but is never far from falling into the absolute pit of despair and lying in bed crying for days on end.

See that's what i thought a low functioning borderline would be like. The one i was involved with would never fall into a depression like that, wouldn't harm herself and i firmly believe her threats to kill herself and the kids were just for attention and to torture me mentally. She is way too selfish to ever go through with killing herself. She pretty much believes that because she is somewhat good looking she will always be able to hook a guy into supporting her even with 4 young kids. That clock is a tickin.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

Mine was low functioning.

Eating disorder

Chronic low self esteem

Bouts of crippling depression where she couldn't get out of bed

Unable to last more than a couple of months in college

Unable to keep a job longer than a few months

unable to maintain friendships

no Idea how money works

Below average intellect

Self harm

Suicide attempts

Basically a complete mess who just can not take care of herself. She has a few weeks here and there where she is stable,  but is never far from falling into the absolute pit of despair and lying in bed crying for days on end.

Everything here explains my ex on point except the college she instead went to beauty school and couldnt hack it.

The sad part is i secured a job for her through a friend as a receptionist making better money than she or i ever have at one of the top 50 salons in the country. On top of the fact that the salon helps its employees get through beauty school and guarantees her a job making even better money. Her response to my offer after encouraging her "They probably wouldnt hire me." Never pursued it any further.

Life has dealt such an unsuccessful hand to her but at the same time with the advent of the above situation it seems to be all she can handle untreated.

[Waifed]

My stepson is likely BPD.  He is low functioning.  He graduated from high school basically by us paying for him to get through private school since he failed all his classes in public school.  He is ADHD and goes through friends like most go through bottled water.  He is 21 and has never had a gf for more than a month.  He has herpes II and bragged about it on FB.  He suffers from constant drama and nothing is ever his fault.  He has pretty strong narcissistic traits.  Any attention is good attention.  He is not very bright (key to low functioning) and cannot hold a decent job (everyone else's fault).  He recently had his mother help him set up a checking account and showed him how to purchase an airline ticket.  The thought of paying income taxes has never even entered into his mind.  He still lives with his mom and I don't believe he has ever given any thought to his future.  I honestly don't think he could survive on his own.

My exBPD is what I would consider high functioning.  She is college educated and is working on her Masters.  She is a good employee as long as her tasks are repetitive.  She is very good at hiding her demons.  She does this by keeping to herself and limiting her friends to one or two.  The only people who likely know she is nuts are her family and people she is intimate with.  She is fine as long as she is not dysregulated.  When this happens she begins to fall apart.  She is 30 now and I would assume as the years go by she will become lower and lower functioning but I could be wrong.  She has never been able to live with any of her bf's or (husband).  It is too engulfing and it makes her behavior really crazy.  Her moods (thoughts) change many times a day especially when dysregulated.  

Basically, my exBPD can mix with society pretty well, but my stepson is socially awkward and people figure out he is weird after being around him a few times.

[Hawk Ridge]

Waifed, that sounds like my ex except she was fond of her family that doesn't live in her home and that she used the silent treatment with me, no raging. Just stoic and quiet sarcastic remarks.  I spent much of our relationship thinking she suffered from depression and is introverted. Hmmm

[ajr5679]

My ex is also a high functioning BPD. after everything I have read and study. I feel that a high function BPD is a female psychopath. 

[clydegriffith]

Ok, but what elements must exist to be considered "high functioning"? Is it as little as not being train wreck everyday?

I thought that because the BPDx appears personable and normal to anyone that meets her would be enough to say she's "high functioning". Was i wrong in that regards?

[bruceli]

While i became aware of this illness towards the end of my relationship with BPDx, i pretty much assumed she fell into the "high functioning" category because she appears nice and normal but i'm thinking now that i may be wrong and more elements of her life should be in order to be considered high functioning. What do you all think? For those that haven't read any my posts, here's a very brief summary of the BPDx:

1) Mid 20's with 4 very young kids by 3 different guys (one of the kids is mine). She lost custody of the two older kids that are 5 and 6

2) Despite being a college graduate, she's never had a good or steady job. Just a few gigs in retail and currently bartending.

3) Has never been single as she jumps from one extreme relationship to another and from what i know continues sleeping around a cheating in all these relationships. All the relationships she's had never end with an amicabble parting of ways, its always something crazy that happens.

4) Is not at all sociable when it comes to women but loves attention from men

5) Made false domestic violence claims against me telling police that i did what she actually did to me

6) Doesn't get along with any of her family and is actually banned from her mother's house. From my conversations with the mom, they are only in the picture because they love the kids and don't think they should be punished for BPDx's poor life decisions

Would someone like this fall under "high functioning" so long as she appears normal to most people?

I would say middle to middle/high.  Self supporting with PD's is a big issue.  Mine is all of the above but an executive in a medical position.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

My ex was high functioning.  Master's degree.  Able to convince the world she was normal.  But up close she was full of the usual drama, manipulations, lies and self delusion of a typical BPD.  She could talk the talk but not walk the walk.  Knew all the terms.  Very convincing.  Her kids, relatives and lovers knew what the friends did not - nutty as a fruitcake.

[fred6]

My ex was high functioning.  Master's degree.  Able to convince the world she was normal.  But up close she was full of the usual drama, manipulations, lies and self delusion of a typical BPD.  She could talk the talk but not walk the walk.  Knew all the terms.  Very convincing.  Her kids, relatives and lovers knew what the friends did not - nutty as a fruitcake.

My ex's son's father, her son, her brother, and her step brother all said that she was "crazy". Hell, even she used the word "crazy" when describing herself. Even thought that's a big red flag, I always thought that it was always kind of a joke. Well I guess the joke's on me, .

I find it interesting that she and her family members could refer to herself as crazy. But when I told her that there was something wrong with her and that she needed help she just went ape$hit and raged on me. The denial and hypocrisy of these people is simply incredible!

[Janewhi]

My ex is a nurse (and seems to be a good one from what I could tell) and is extremely good with money. She paid cash for her last house in her 40's,  does not have any debt, and has a large savings account. She has maintained some friendships but is a workaholic.

Everyone at some point is on her "crap" list, and the usual manipulations, rages, broken promises, etc. Very charming, and it took a little while being with her to figure out that she was really unhealthy. It wasn't until after I left that I realized what I had been dealing with.

[overcomer]

Mine was high-functioning.  Successful professionly.  Great reputation in the community.  Kind and compassionate towards those not close to her.  Very spiritual.  Works out regularly and takes great care of herself.  Dresses very stylish and attractive.  Financially  responsible (now that she doesn't have my money to blow).  Very few people know her dark side.  Most see her good side.  Both are her.  She has good intentions but gets disregulated by the demons of her past.  Younger women ask her to be their mentor.

[freedom33]

A high functioning borderline is the most dangerous borderline of all. They can be even psychotherapists, spiritual healers or some other profession that constitutes a projection of their own disabilities. A man needs luck and strength to get away from such a woman. Stuff of fairy tales and legends. Good luck!

[hurting300]

Mine finds excuses not to work... .

[pilgrim]

My mom I think was a low functioning BPD.  My ex wife is very high functioning (entrepreneur, MBA).

For 5 years I thought my ex was a high functioning BPD.  Now I don't believe in the "high / low functioning" BPD categorization either.  I spent a lot of time at the website of Craig Childress re parental alienation, and reading the authors he quotes.  I think high functioning BPDs like my ex are really "narcissists with borderline features."  The two conditions are based on the same underlying personality organization, just differently expressed.  And many have more than one PD.

These are more dangerous because they can fool the whole world, while on the inside lacking a conscience or remorse.

[hurting300]

My mom I think was a low functioning BPD.  My ex wife is very high functioning (entrepreneur, MBA).

For 5 years I thought my ex was a high functioning BPD.  Now I don't believe in the "high / low functioning" BPD categorization either.  I spent a lot of time at the website of Craig Childress re parental alienation, and reading the authors he quotes.  I think high functioning BPDs like my ex are really "narcissists with borderline features."  The two conditions are based on the same underlying personality organization, just differently expressed.  And many have more than one PD.

These are more dangerous because they can fool the whole world, while on the inside lacking a conscience or remorse.

high and low functioning does not exist. It's nowhere in DSM. Plus a psychiatrist told me it's myth.

[Dutched]

My mom I think was a low functioning BPD.  My ex wife is very high functioning (entrepreneur, MBA).

For 5 years I thought my ex was a high functioning BPD.  Now I don't believe in the "high / low functioning" BPD categorization either.  I spent a lot of time at the website of Craig Childress re parental alienation, and reading the authors he quotes.  I think high functioning BPDs like my ex are really "narcissists with borderline features."  The two conditions are based on the same underlying personality organization, just differently expressed.  And many have more than one PD.

These are more dangerous because they can fool the whole world, while on the inside lacking a conscience or remorse.

high and low functioning does not exist. It's nowhere in DSM. Plus a psychiatrist told me it's myth.

You are right that there is according to DSM no so called Low or High Functioning.

IMO we must keep in mind that it is a spectrum disorder, which explains a lot (with all due respect to psychiatrists, most of them have still a lack of real knowledge regarding the total spectrum of BPD. Specifically when it comes to diagnose the more hidden or “high functionings” whom mistakenly are diagnosed as Bipolar)

In order to describe variances in functioning however the term Low and High was introduced.

Mr. Randy Kreger (who posted on this Board too and co author of Stop walking on eggshells) ) describes a HF as, which is in my case really spot on:

"1. Denial is their primary characteristic. They disavow having any problems and see no need to change. Relationship difficulties, they say, are everyone else’s fault. If family members suggests they may have BPD, they almost always accuse the other person of having it instead. (This is why I strongly advise non-BPs to leave this disclosure to a trained professional)

2. They cope with their pain by raging outward, blaming and accusing family members for real or imagined problems (“acting out”)

3. They refuse to seek help from the mental health system unless someone threatens to end the relationship. If they do go, they usually don’t intend to work on their own issues. In couples therapy, their goal is often to convince the therapist that they are being victimized

4. They may hide their low self-esteem behind a brash, confident pose that hides their inner turmoil. They usually function quite well at work and only display aggressive behavior toward those close to them (high functioning). But the black hole in the gut and their intense self-loathing are still there. It’s just buried deeper

5. If they also have other mental disorders, they’re ones that also allow for high functioning such as Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) or Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD). (These mostly appear concurrently in men—especially APD)

6. Family members’ greatest challenges include coping with verbal abuse, protecting children, trying to get their family member to seel treatment, and maintaining their self-esteem and sense of reality. Partners, especially, are in relationships with Cluster Two BPs. "

7. Are often perfectionists in some areas of their lives and sometimes do achieve near perfection in these areas

8. Situational Competence in most places other than the home

9.  Well Thought of in the Community

10. Highly Successful Professionally

11. Lack of Physical Self Mutilation

[hurting300]

I can half way agree with most of that. But I've seen narcissists not be highly professional. Like my ex is BPD with sociopathic traits... she is lazy.

[walksoftly]

High functioning BPDs can move ahead with their goals like education, work etc. Only the ones that are closest to them know of the bulimia, violence, etc. It comes down to brain patterns... .they are empty, they mirror, they are walking empty vessels looking for someone to fill their incredible void. They are tortured, they are incredibly tortured.

[Rise]

I think the difference between a high functioning person with BPD and a low functioning one is often just circumstance, and how much they are being triggered at any given moment. Over the better part of the past decade, I've seen my ex act both ways. She's gone through periods where she is relatively successful, and holds things together. She's gone through periods where her entire life has collapsed.

[Bak86]

I think the difference between a high functioning person with BPD and a low functioning one is often just circumstance, and how much they are being triggered at any given moment. Over the better part of the past decade, I've seen my ex act both ways. She's gone through periods where she is relatively successful, and holds things together. She's gone through periods where her entire life has collapsed.

Pretty much this yeah. My ex holds it together pretty well, but when she gets triggered or is under stress she loses it completely.

[Tibbles]

Always thought my ex was high functioning and fits what Dutched posted. My ex is very smart, very analytical, can argue black is white very convincing. Successful in his job. No outsiders would have any idea what he is really like. He cannot maintain friendships or relationships outside his immediate family. Constant conflict with his own family. 

[Blimblam]

I think the difference between a high functioning person with BPD and a low functioning one is often just circumstance, and how much they are being triggered at any given moment. Over the better part of the past decade, I've seen my ex act both ways. She's gone through periods where she is relatively successful, and holds things together. She's gone through periods where her entire life has collapsed.

I agree with this. A lot of it depends on what's addictions they choose and how many people they step on to get ahead. The npd comorbidity helps in this arena. It also depends on how sociopathic they are.  The enablers they choose. They can sleep their way to the top.

All of this and just the general level of intelligence.

They are individuals and none of them are the same. Although the simililarities are uncanny.

[expos]

Can anyone shed some light on dating or being married to a High Functioning BPD?  I've got my own stories but I'd like to hear yours.

Mainly, I'd like to hear about the mask they put on for everyone who isn't close to them and how they are able to create this balance. 

[sirius]

HI,

I shared a r/s with my exGF i suspect is High functioning BPD. for 13 years

She is able to hold a steady professional job. she is lawyer and very good at what she is doing

She kept her professional life seperated from home life, means I do not know what her boss's name was or the firm she is working. he would get angry if I asked further. All people or her collegue is given nick names.

She is able to control herself outside our relationship. The mask comes off after she comes home.

She has a separate life outside the relationship, her family was kept away from me and I was kept away from or minimal contact with her family members.

She is very intelligent, very fast and very sharp.

She dress well, behave well outside, polite out of home life.

She is 30 yo now but she looks like she is 17 yo, same as when I met her, until today. She behaved like a spoilt brat at home, but able to do everything independantly outside our relationship.

I am her trigger, she can drive normally when she drove alone but when i am in the car she get stressed up and drive recklessly. She treats others nicely but blow up at the slightest thing if it is from me.

[Lucky Jim]

To the outside world, she was gregarious and charming, the unofficial "mayor" of our small town.

Behind closed doors, however, my BPDxW was an abusive alcoholic subject to frequent rages who would say and do incredibly hurtful things, without apology, while on one of her rampages.  Our marriage at times became a hellish experience, like something out of a Stephen King novel.  I have plenty of "war stories" but you get the picture.

Lucky Jim

[expos]

To the outside world, she was gregarious and charming, the unofficial "mayor" of our small town.

Behind closed doors, however, my BPDxW was an abusive alcoholic subject to frequent rages who would say and do incredibly hurtful things, without apology, while on one of her rampages.  Our marriage at times became a hellish experience, like something out of a Stephen King novel.  I have plenty of "war stories" but you get the picture.

Lucky Jim

Jim, not sure of your story.  sorry that you went through this.  Is your ex-wife remarried?  Mine got remarried a few weeks ago.