Painted white from black?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Can anyone give some signs that your ex may be painting you back white after you have been painted black? I'd like to know what to be on the lookout for.

[hattrick]

Can anyone give some signs that your ex may be painting you back white after you have been painted black? I'd like to know what to be on the lookout for.

[EaglesJuju]

If your pwBPD starts talking about the "good times" you both shared. 

[hattrick]

She hasn't actually talked to me but I do know that she had mentioned to a coworker that we had a lot of great times together.  She is very non confrontational so I'm thinking she might be afraid to attempt to talk to me herself.

[EaglesJuju]

She hasn't actually talked to me but I do know that she had mentioned to a coworker that we had a lot of great times together.  She is very non confrontational so I'm thinking she might be afraid to attempt to talk to me herself.

That is probably the case.  A lot of pwBPD are afraid to directly talk to you if they feel shame. 

[hattrick]

As far as I know she hasn't gotten rid of my replacement yet although I don't figure she would do so until she at least thinks she can get me back. So I'm wondering if at some point she would try direct contact.

[Infern0]

If you are painted black then you know about it.  If she starts to communicate directly with you then you are becoming white,  also if she starts to tell you she misses you and things like that.

Be careful though because she can paint you white to put you into backup or friends zone. Do not get in a BPD friend zone haha you can be civil and polite but don't get put in the friend zone dungeon

It depends on how your ex operates though,  is she a frequent recycler?  Has she friend zoned her exes in the past? If you know how she rolls you can predict what she's upto a bit better.

[hattrick]

Hard to say about her past relationships. She was married for 12 years before me and her got together. I was the first guy she was with after her divorce. According to her she had threatened divorce with her ex husband several times. Weather this was recycling or not I'm not sure. She only had talked about one serious bf before him. It sounded like they recycled a few times back then but I don't know the dynamics of what happened with them. She and I were together for 6 years and didn't have the ups and downs of a typical BPD relationship. It was all love and happiness till out of the blue she decided to leave. During the break up she accused me of all sorts of absurd things that were crazy perceptions she had that had no basis in reality. And she already had my replacement picked out.

[Infern0]

Are you wanting to attempt a recycle?

Just wondering because it'd be easier to give advice.  Just keep in mind their emotional outlook can change so fast.  So it's like if she's having a bad day with your replacement you might start looking ___ hot to her but if she goes home to him and he's bought her a nice bit of jewelry you go back to being just ___.

It honestly can be as quick as that.

[hattrick]

Do I want a recycle? I guess I do under the right circumstances. I know a successful recycle normally doesn't happen often however the fact that our relationship wasn't a normal BPD relationship gives me reason to think that we could be the exception not the rule. She told me several times throughout our relationship that she had issues and knew she did. If I could get her help perhaps she could be happy. I truly believe that severe stress was what pushed her over the edge. Just before our break up she had been exposed to more stress than she had been since we got together. Also I believe due to symptoms I observed during the relationship that she may have hypothyroidism.

[Mutt]

She hasn't actually talked to me but I do know that she had mentioned to a coworker that we had a lot of great times together.  She is very non confrontational so I'm thinking she might be afraid to attempt to talk to me herself.

This is your answer.

If you were split black she would have nothing good to say about you to your co-worker or anyone for that matter. She would be telling him or her you're a horrible person.

She sees the world in black and white and has difficulties seeing the grey areas in life and people.

"great times"

You're split white.

--Mutt

[hope2727]

Hattrick,

I am a tad envious. I hope your current white hat status treats you well. Good luck and keep us posted.

[hattrick]

I know mutt thinks I'm split white however I'm not 100% sure and I'll tell you why. The 2 people that have told me this are people that I tend to work closer with than she does. I'm sure she assumes that as soon as she tells these people things it will get back to me. So I don't know if she's back to splitting me white or she's trying to mess with my head, get me to come talk to her. Maybe I'm just being pessimistic.

[Mutt]

I don't think it's to mess with your head or passive aggressive . She sees one way or the other.

She may be trying to see if you're emotionally available.

You're on the undecided board. You're not sure if you're staying or leaving. One way of knowing is trying to talk to her. Or, giving yourself space and not worry about what she's up to. That way it alleviates the anxiety thinking she's trying to mess with your head.

[hattrick]

I hear what your saying, and I'm confused to say the least. Last time I tried to talk to her she bit my head off so I'm a little gun shy there. Giving myself space is not easy as I think about her constantly even though I wished I didn't. I guess I've been trying to give her space. Figuring at some point she will want (or need) to re-engage me. I guess I'm undecided because even though I would love to continue with her, it just might not be possible. I suppose it depends on the circumstances when and if she does try to re-engage. But it's so very hard for me to just give up on 6 years of love and happiness.

[Mutt]

If she bit your head off you were split black. I understand the frustrations with the behaviors hattrick. If my ex is friendly I'm split white, if not I'm split black.

6 years is a long time. She's with someone new. Let's say you take ger back? You're telegraphing that this is acceptable behavior. What if she leaves you again? What are your boundaries?

[hattrick]

The thing is there would have to be conditions on my end. If she does not agree then I could not take her back. I could not set myself up to go through it again. There would have to be a long talk about said boundaries. Not sure exactly how it would all play out. But I at least want the conversation. I miss her a lot and I know that I'm probably thinking more with my heart than my head but I cannot help myself. Also knowing her better than anyone (including her own mom) I believe she can become the person I know again (with proper help).

[hattrick]

So it was back to work today. Didn't see her once all day. I know she was there. A co-worker (and pretty good friend) asked me how it was going with "us". I told him right now it wasn't. I know this co-worker is hoping me and her get back together.

After I had talked to him I suddenly wondered why he would ask me this question. Both he and his wife are FB friends with her (as far as I know they still are). She usually splashes her life all over FB. Shouldn't he already know whats going on with her? Maybe I'm reading to much into it.

[hattrick]

So I didn't see her at all yesterday but today early this morning she walked her way right through my department twice. I found it strange that she could have easily taken another route to get where she was going but it seemed like she was taking the route past me on purpose. Then we had a plant wide meeting at the end of the day. She sat way in the back so I sat towards the front. Once the meeting was over everyone including me went to the time clock to punch out. She was nowhere to be found. I think she went and hid in the bathroom. Thoughts?

[Infern0]

Typical odd behaviour mate.  It's hard to figure out what's going on in her head.  It can take a while for them to come round.

especially if bad stuff has gone down. You can't say for sure but I mean it's possible she is trying to work up the bottle to talk to you. 

If I'm you,  just try relax and chill out as much as you can. Let her do her thing and if she talks to you decide what you are gonna do then.

[hattrick]

Hope wanted me to keep updating.

Well I didn't see her once yesterday. I was wondering if there was a pattern forming of every other day however she wasn't at work at all today. Wonder if she will be there tomorrow. Funny thing is a lot of her work friends wont even talk to her now since they found out how she treated me. Our mutual friends seem to hope me and her get back together. People seem to think there is a good chance but I apparently don't see what they see. I am hopeful that we can eventually work things out but it seems bad right now. She seems to be in "crazy land" at the moment.

[hope2727]

Hattrick

Thanks for the update. I have been following your thread faithfully. I know that her behaviour is incomprehensible. I know my pwBPD is incomprehensible. I miss him terribly but I can't accept any more crazy ville.

I sincerely hope that whatever happens you remember that you are worthy and deserving of a loving and supportive relationship. She may or may not be able to provide that. IF you have the chance at a recycle and want one I will be here anxiously waiting to hear how it goes. I will back you either way.

Thanks again for updating. Mine hasn't made a peep in weeks but I didn't really expect one. Halloween is a big deal for him so he will be on a high with his friends for a few more days. I expect the crash around the second or third week of November. I'll keep you posted.

Meanwhile hugs and good luck. 

[hattrick]

Honestly I do want a recycle. I think with what I now know I can get her help and be happy with her again. It just seems like the chance of that is so slim right now. She hasn't been at work the last couple days so there has been no interaction at all. Perhaps her mom is back in the hospital or one of her kids is sick. Today being Halloween is particularly hard for me as this was the day she would bring the kids over, I would buy pizza for us and then we would take the kids trick or treating in my neighborhood (I have a better neighborhood for it that she does). I'm really going to be missing that tonight.

On a side note I found a great site for insite on BPD

www.primals.org/articles/hannig03.html

[hattrick]

Well, yesterday a co-worker of ours was talking to me about her and he was saying to me that ever since she had been back to work (she was off on a medical when we broke up) that she seemed off and different to him. When I told him what had happened between us he said that it was strange to him. Today I had to go talk to a guy in her department this morning. 3 times in the span of 15 minutes. She never looked at me once and I was only maybe 20 feet from her. She did walk by where I was sitting at lunch and then before the end of the day walked into a section where I saw her and I know she saw me. I don't know if this is coincidence or its her way of keeping tabs on me. I've read some pwBPD do things like that.

[hattrick]

Well, she seems to be walking by me now more frequently than ever. Whether she's doing it on purpose or she's just going about her business without thinking a thing about it is anyone's guess. She still doesn't acknowledge me at all but she knows im there.

A co-worker told me today that she (exgf) is going on a diet. As I'm 100% sure she has a thyroid problem keeping her from losing weight, the diet wont do a thing for her. She has no clue that she has hypothyroidism and at this point I'm not going to clue her in.

[hattrick]

So today I knew she was there but I never went anywhere near her. It had seemed to me that when I don't need to go near her she will at some point walk by me. So it was like 45 mins before the end of the day and I was thinking wow she hasn't found a reason to walk by. 10 minutes later I notice she walked by the section where I usually am. She was wearing my replacements jacket and I believe she is still wearing his ring as well. She had told me when she deleted me from facebook that she did it because she didn't think I wanted to see her with another guy. So why then does she wear his jacket and ring into work where she knows Ill at least hear about it. She never wore the ring I got her to work as she said she didn't want to mess it up. Apparently she doesn't mind messing up his ring.

[Perdita]

Can anyone give some signs that your ex may be painting you back white after you have been painted black? I'd like to know what to be on the lookout for.

He didn't invite me to last year's office Christmas dinner. I always felt that he was hiding me.  A few months ago I met one of his big bosses from HQ in a social setting and word is that he really liked me.  Now suddenly bf wants to introduce me to his other 2 big bosses too.  I heard him tell the one over the phone that he really wants him to meet me.  My guess is that the boss I met told the other big shots about me and now suddenly bf is painting me white again. 

[hattrick]

For those who have followed this thread, you'll love this.

So a guy we used to work with and we both knew really well. His dad died a few days ago. Pretty sad.

A side note. My aunt died back in March when me and my exgf were still a strong couple with no major problems. I had asked her to go with me to my aunts memorial service and initially she agreed. But then she backed out saying she couldn't do funerals. She just couldn't do them. Funny, since she and I had gone to 2 funerals in the past. One for her moms friend and the other for a friend of mine's mom just last year. Even though I told her it wasn't a funeral it was a memorial she still wouldn't budge. So anyways I went by myself.

So now an ex-coworkers dad dies and you guessed it, she gos to the funeral. She couldn't be there to support the guy she professed her love for (at the time) but she can go to an ex-coworkers (that she hasn't talked to or seen in months) dads funeral no problem.

None of the things she says or has said match what she does now.