Man, having a hard weekend.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Weird weekend. Was doing so well. Lots of ruminations, her with the other guy and what ifs... all for a woman who disrespected me and my children. What the heck is wrong with me?

[Deeno02]

Weird weekend. Was doing so well. Lots of ruminations, her with the other guy and what ifs... all for a woman who disrespected me and my children. What the heck is wrong with me?

[fred6]

Ain't nothing wrong with you Deeno. You're just dealing with all of your emotions.  I don't even fight it anymore.

[ShakinMyHead]

I've often asked myself that same question Deeno. What I can tell you about myself is that I grew up, taking care of people that acted like they were more important then me. They acted shallow and grandiose, and there were 3 of them and 1 of me. I had so much pain and feelings inside me, but no where to express it, and the thought that those 3 never had the same needs or pain, as me made me feel like I was nuts. So I tried to hide that side of me, and take better care of the 3 of them. You see co-dependents form in much the same way as Narcissists. It's the luck of the Biological predisposition. I hoped as a child that if I needed less and cared more, that they would see me, and love me, and I would feel like I finally belonged to a family, not the alien mistakingly dropped on this planet, with this family. Suffice to say, my family never changed, I simply conditioned them to use me, take from me, and not give back to me. I taught them that I needed nothing, I was low maintenance, and that I could run on fumes. I think that is where I combined Love & Pain. Because you are suppose to love your family, and it hurt so much, that is what I learned Love felt like. Deeno, do you see where I'm going with this? Your ex doesn't really love this new guy. She's looking at her own reflection in his eyes. She likes the reflection cause it's lying to her because he doesn't know her or he's addicted and still able to produce supply. Once he knows her and he's eyes reflect that back to her, he will be of no use anymore. She will need a new mirror, new eyes, and the body comes with that here on earth. I'm sure if they could keep smacking us upside our heads, or changing our eye balls after they've shown their true colors, they wouldn't have to ditch us. But a good co-dependent does that on their own for a while…... You are going to be ok. Make a list of the woman you want to meet. The woman that deserves your love. You were given a gift to have the space now for that future, and the poor sod you are thinking about. He's on his way to hell. Pray for him!

[Deeno02]

I've often asked myself that same question Deeno. What I can tell you about myself is that I grew up, taking care of people that acted like they were more important then me. They acted shallow and grandiose, and there were 3 of them and 1 of me. I had so much pain and feelings inside me, but no where to express it, and the thought that those 3 never had the same needs or pain, as me made me feel like I was nuts. So I tried to hide that side of me, and take better care of the 3 of them. You see co-dependents form in much the same way as Narcissists. It's the luck of the Biological predisposition. I hoped as a child that if I needed less and cared more, that they would see me, and love me, and I would feel like I finally belonged to a family, not the alien mistakingly dropped on this planet, with this family. Suffice to say, my family never changed, I simply conditioned them to use me, take from me, and not give back to me. I taught them that I needed nothing, I was low maintenance, and that I could run on fumes. I think that is where I combined Love & Pain. Because you are suppose to love your family, and it hurt so much, that is what I learned Love felt like. Deeno, do you see where I'm going with this? Your ex doesn't really love this new guy. She's looking at her own reflection in his eyes. She likes the reflection cause it's lying to her because he doesn't know her or he's addicted and still able to produce supply. Once he knows her and he's eyes reflect that back to her, he will be of no use anymore. She will need a new mirror, new eyes, and the body comes with that here on earth. I'm sure if they could keep smacking us upside our heads, or changing our eye balls after they've shown their true colors, they wouldn't have to ditch us. But a good co-dependent does that on their own for a while…... You are going to be ok. Make a list of the woman you want to meet. The woman that deserves your love. You were given a gift to have the space now for that future, and the poor sod you are thinking about. He's on his way to hell. Pray for him!

Old college buddy. Like my T says, he may know her, but he doesn't "know" her. Hopefully he's smarter than me. I loved the explanation you gave. It's sheds a little light. I just hope I'm still not on her list anymore...

[Raybo48]

Weird weekend. Was doing so well. Lots of ruminations, her with the other guy and what ifs... all for a woman who disrespected me and my children. What the heck is wrong with me?

All I can say is you are not alone.  What I don't get and maybe you're experiencing this too is how is it that we can seemingly look past what these women did/said and still miss them and love them? I question my thought process on this because I know I deserve better, and certainly don't deserve to be treated like she treated me with character assassination after character assassination.  She JUST did to me again last Sunday.  

Back to point... Nothing is wrong with you, its just that you have compassion and look for the good in people, and probably have a forgiving soul.  You know what she's all about, but that doesn't change who you are.  You deserve better and you'll find better.  

[outside9x]

Weird weekend. Was doing so well. Lots of ruminations, her with the other guy and what ifs... all for a woman who disrespected me and my children. What the heck is wrong with me?

All I can say is you are not alone.  What I don't get and maybe you're experiencing this too is how is it that we can seemingly look past what these women did/said and still miss them and love them? I question my thought process on this because I know I deserve better, and certainly don't deserve to be treated like she treated me with character assassination after character assassination.  She JUST did to me again last Sunday.  

Back to point... Nothing is wrong with you, its just that you have compassion and look for the good in people, and probably have a forgiving soul.  You know what she's all about, but that doesn't change who you are.  You deserve better and you'll find better.  

Everything you said and it's been over a year and half I at times I have such strong urges but she is so Bad for me.  I thought by now, and I guess our emotions get triggered and wow, then hard to move on like we are frozen

[hope2727]

Sorry you are struggling. I am too. Its been 6 months and I still miss him.

Todays lesson in therapy was pay attention to your anger. Its ok to express your anger. And when you do express your anger and people dismiss it that is disrespectful. So don't continue to engage with disrespectful people.

Sigh. Ok.

[Deeno02]

Sorry you are struggling. I am too. Its been 6 months and I still miss him.

Todays lesson in therapy was pay attention to your anger. Its ok to express your anger. And when you do express your anger and people dismiss it that is disrespectful. So don't continue to engage with disrespectful people.

Sigh. Ok.

42 days NC... .she's out having fun with the replacement. Whatever... I could never express myself to her without being belittled. Yet, I'm still hooked... .

[hope2727]

Deeno02

Big virtual hug.   Keep going.

I love him but I know he has to get well and come home not come home and get well.

Imagine how much better you will feel when you meet someone who can actually reciprocate your love in a real adult relationship.

[Deeno02]

Deeno02

Big virtual hug.   Keep going.

I love him but I know he has to get well and come home not come home and get well.

Imagine how much better you will feel when you meet someone who can actually reciprocate your love in a real adult relationship.

Wish i could act like it doesnt matter. Why do they have this effect?

[Louise7777]

Deeno, you are not alone. Most of us have asked ourselves the same question (whats wrong with me?).

I just found out my xSO has a profile on a dating site for over 4 years (started a thread about it minutes ago). It was not the first time he did this. We are friends (as much as you can be friends with an uPD), SO WHY LIE? Why he says he´s not looking? Well, obviously to keep on getting his N supply from me. I feel stuck and afraid to date again.

I think whats wrong with us is that we confuse reality with our desires. We mourn a loss of something that was never there. I guess we miss the fact that our plans will never become true with them. Its taking an awful long for me to see him 100% as he is. Maybe we are still hanging to the fantasy of a person that never existed, but in our heads.