My Replacement Is Testing Me

[ATLandon]

Here is the back story from some of my previous posts: "In a nutshell, I know that my wife is cheating on me with my roommate (now former best friend). This has been going on for at least a couple weeks. I made a very long post about it on the Undecided Board, which you can read here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=235862.0

While I am sad and disappointed in her behavior, I'm also very relieved that I now have a legit "get out of jail free" card in order to end this relationship. This worst part is that for a few months I have to act like everything is cool with my wife and roommate in order to get my finances in order so that I can file for divorce. I also don't want to have to deal with unnecessary drama, rages, and destruction of my property while I wait for my roommate's lease to be up this summer. "

So tonight I get the following message on Facebook from the roommate/replacement:

"Hey, are you going to be home tonight? We need to sit down and talk. Things are obviously really awkward right now, and I want to try to fix them. I still care about you and want to stay friends, but I need to know what you want or need from me in order to make this work. Or at least know why exactly you're angry with me so I can do what I can.

I know you probably don't even want to talk to me, but it needs to happen. And I need you to be completely honest with me and not give me vague answers. I'm willing to listen to whatever you have to say. And if you want to leave the house to talk, that's fine, too.

I've considered you one of my closest friends over the past several years, and I'm not willing to let it go without a fight.

And hell, if you just want to punch the hell out of me, I'm fine with that, too, as long as you avoid breaking anything. I would rather not have to go to the hospital.

As a side note, I hope you've been doing alright. Getting worried about you."

MY response: "Yes, I will be home tonight. Maybe you need to talk, but I don’t. Not right now. Not anytime soon. Things are awkward. Perhaps you should take more time for some self-reflection on what you did to help contribute to the awkwardness instead of asking me. I’m not blaming you. I’m simply stating that your hands aren’t completely clean. No one’s hands in this house are clean.

What I need to do is take care of myself and not have other people tell me what I do or do not need.

I have considered you a close friend too for many years but you’re going to have to find some way to let things go. At least for a while anyways. There is nothing that can be said or done to make things better. I’d rather not waste my breath on such a conversation knowing the point is moot.

What you need to do is pay your rent on time. You need to do your share of work around the house. You need to be kind and honest to my wife and dogs, and you need to let me live in peace and solitude in my own home.

As I said, I’m not blaming you for any of this and I’m not out to hurt anyone. I just have a lot of pent up rage that I’m working through on my own and I don’t need any provocations right now. I will communicate with you openly about all of this eventually, just not right now."

I didn't think it was possible but I have officially entered an entirely new realm of crazy.  

[thatwasthat]

I think you couldn't have handled it any better.

And I don't think YOU are entering the realm of crazy, as your message clearly shows.

[ATLandon]

I think you couldn't have handled it any better.

And I don't think YOU are entering the realm of crazy, as your message clearly shows.

I tried to be both honest and fair without coming across as completely enraged, which is how I really feel. I'm still afraid that even though my reply was really mature this is somehow going to illicit some unwanted and possibly erratic behavior from both or either of them. I just don't know even know what the hell to expect in this house anymore.

[drv3006]

Wow!  U handled that with dignity and grace. I would have took the offer to punch him out!

[myself]

It seems like he's hiding, writing instead of just talking face to face. That must be such a complicated situation. Good luck! Any way to find other roommates? Everybody knows it's over for you and your wife now, right?

[ATLandon]

It seems like he's hiding, writing instead of just talking face to face. That must be such a complicated situation. Good luck! Any way to find other roommates? Everybody knows it's over for you and your wife now, right?

Honestly, I'm the one who has been a hermit in my room. I talk to my wife when necessary but have been keeping away from him since when I see him I get an overwhelming urge to my fist through his front teeth. I'm going to talk with an attorney soon about the housing situation and go from there on what to do with him. I told my wife I would give her (and him) at least 2 months notice when I decide I need them to move out, which is the law in my state.

[ATLandon]

Wow!  U handled that with dignity and grace. I would have took the offer to punch him out!

I gotta tell you, I came very close to responding to that part with, "While I'd love to punch you, I can guarantee you that I would do more than break something." I just can't even believe the audacity of him wanting to try to be friends still. Its ridiculous and delusional. Like letting me hit him is going to magically set everything back to how things were.

[Infern0]

That is absolutely ridiculous.  I have to be frank in your situation I would have got myself imprisoned.  I have been actively avoided by my replacement for 6 months but for the first 3-4 months of that had I seen him my reaction would have been violent,  I even told my ex that if I saw him I would put him in the ground,  hence him avoiding places he used to hang out where I frequent.

You have shown incredible self restraint,  this "friend" of yours is even worse than your wife,  at least in her case you can blame some of it on the disorder

[enlighten me]

Probably not what your going to want to hear but something that helps me is to put myself in thr other persons shoes. He probably saw things werent great between you and your wife. She probanly seduced him with things like you dont understand her, she only wants to feel happy and loved etc etc. Your room nate will have got sucked in like we all have. He is probably totally confused and guilt ridden.

Im not saying that you should forgive his betrayal but understanding what he may be feeling may help to handle the situation in a way that doesnt leave you exposed you doing something that may cause more trouble in the future. You never know if handled right he may even help in thr divorce by testifying against your wife.

[Pieter2]

Hey there,

You did EXTREMELY well. I am a lawyer and can give you some good advice here. Keep on doing exactly what you did - Keep these letters for the divorce proceedings. It shows that you have good character, proves the infidelity and furthermore could show that you have no malicious intentions.

PLEASE: DO NOT GO OFF THE RIGHT PATH NOW! STAY STRONG! You cannot and will not feel better until this is over. Confide in other friends. Go an share this story with family, friends, therapist maybe and anyone else you can. You are doing the right thing and you're on the right path. Make sure you have a support system so you stay on track.

Lastly, on your roommate - Nothing, and I mean nothing, would give me more pleasure than to see my worst enemies together with me ex. She is the worst thing that could EVER happen to ANYBODY. Worse than broken bones. SHE is his justice dude. He will go through the same cr@p as you and that will hurt. My prediction: She'll screw him up too, just give it some time and you'll be buddies again: Way into the future though. Don't stress, justice will be served - Slowly, painfully and it will be VERY humiliating for him. Trust me.

Stay on the right track bud.

[itgirl]

I have read your first thread and now this one.  Wow, you are handling this very well.  I whish I were as strong as you.  How do you keep out of his way while living under the same roof?  I would have kicked him out but maybe you should give them the 2 month notice warning instead of waiting for the lease to be up. 

I think you have a storm brewing but you seem up to the challenge.

[ATLandon]

Probably not what your going to want to hear but something that helps me is to put myself in thr other persons shoes. He probably saw things werent great between you and your wife. She probanly seduced him with things like you dont understand her, she only wants to feel happy and loved etc etc. Your room nate will have got sucked in like we all have. He is probably totally confused and guilt ridden.

Im not saying that you should forgive his betrayal but understanding what he may be feeling may help to handle the situation in a way that doesnt leave you exposed you doing something that may cause more trouble in the future. You never know if handled right he may even help in thr divorce by testifying against your wife.

Oh, I have absolutely no doubt that she is playing on his insecurities and feeding him full of lies/non-truths about me and my relationship with her. The funny thing is that before he moved in I actually gave him a couple long talks about her emotional issues and her ability to manipulate. I wouldn't be surprised at all if he comes crying to me in a couple years (or less) about how he should have listened to me.

Its sad, but as I said before in other posts it is best for me to let them be happy and not interfere with their relationship. Her being preoccupied with someone else is my best way to get out of this relationship with minimal FOG and other games from her.

[ATLandon]

I have read your first thread and now this one.  Wow, you are handling this very well.  I whish I were as strong as you.  How do you keep out of his way while living under the same roof?  I would have kicked him out but maybe you should give them the 2 month notice warning instead of waiting for the lease to be up. 

I think you have a storm brewing but you seem up to the challenge.

Luckily I have an opposite work schedule from the both of them so it allows me to have days minimally interrupted by them. I would have liked to have kicked him out but my wife used to work in real estate and knows the laws very well, and wouldn't hesitate to instigate him to take me to small claims court. Once again, I find myself having to tip-toe very strategically around this situation much like any other with her. I am at this point very strongly considering giving them a two month notice once I get all the utilities turned over into my name and have our joint banking account closed.

[hope2727]

Take the high road. Keep all communication by email for the paper trail. Disconnect all accounts ASAP and get them out of there. You deserve peace.

Meanwhile I sure admire you.