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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: is it true that like my ex most BPDs are great at sex?  (Read 5900 times)
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« Reply #30 on: November 14, 2014, 06:55:16 PM »

My ex was tuned out and into her own world most of the time. My ex had a sex drive, but it felt lacking in intimacy.  Any attempts to have actual conversations about sex and intimacy were shut down with the statement, "Well, I just like penetration," and the refusal to talk about anything at all after that.

Totally creeped me out.  On the other hand, my exwas addicted to reading erotic stories about incest rape, which kind of screws everything up.  I guess rape in many ways could be just lying there and being penetrated, which would explain how she talked about sex in real life.

So messed up.  She clame that she was never abused as a kid, but I have a suspicion that she's been through some messed up stuff that she won't talk about.

Either way, regardless of how she got to where she is, I didn't think it was safe to be with someone who was into those kids of fantastes and didn't want to get help.

I realized that every time we had sex was a risk of bringing a child into this world who has a mom that fantasies about incest rape... .and I had no idea where the line was between fantasy and reality.  That's a dangerous situation.

I have a feeling a lot of pwBPD were sexually abused when they were young.  My ex talked about her cousins that were sexually abused by a babysitter.  I think it was my exs way of telling me something happened to her too except she has that Memory blocked out.
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« Reply #31 on: November 14, 2014, 07:36:00 PM »

My ex was tuned out and into her own world most of the time. My ex had a sex drive, but it felt lacking in intimacy.  Any attempts to have actual conversations about sex and intimacy were shut down with the statement, "Well, I just like penetration," and the refusal to talk about anything at all after that.

Totally creeped me out.  On the other hand, my exwas addicted to reading erotic stories about incest rape, which kind of screws everything up.  I guess rape in many ways could be just lying there and being penetrated, which would explain how she talked about sex in real life.

So messed up.  She clame that she was never abused as a kid, but I have a suspicion that she's been through some messed up stuff that she won't talk about.

Either way, regardless of how she got to where she is, I didn't think it was safe to be with someone who was into those kids of fantastes and didn't want to get help.

I realized that every time we had sex was a risk of bringing a child into this world who has a mom that fantasies about incest rape... .and I had no idea where the line was between fantasy and reality.  That's a dangerous situation.

I have a feeling a lot of pwBPD were sexually abused when they were young.  My ex talked about her cousins that were sexually abused by a babysitter.  I think it was my exs way of telling me something happened to her too except she has that Memory blocked out.

I think a lot of people in general are sexually abused.
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« Reply #32 on: November 14, 2014, 11:49:26 PM »

My ex was tuned out and into her own world most of the time. My ex had a sex drive, but it felt lacking in intimacy.  Any attempts to have actual conversations about sex and intimacy were shut down with the statement, "Well, I just like penetration," and the refusal to talk about anything at all after that.

Totally creeped me out.  On the other hand, my exwas addicted to reading erotic stories about incest rape, which kind of screws everything up.  I guess rape in many ways could be just lying there and being penetrated, which would explain how she talked about sex in real life.

So messed up.  She clame that she was never abused as a kid, but I have a suspicion that she's been through some messed up stuff that she won't talk about.

Either way, regardless of how she got to where she is, I didn't think it was safe to be with someone who was into those kids of fantastes and didn't want to get help.

I realized that every time we had sex was a risk of bringing a child into this world who has a mom that fantasies about incest rape... .and I had no idea where the line was between fantasy and reality.  That's a dangerous situation.

I have a feeling a lot of pwBPD were sexually abused when they were young.  My ex talked about her cousins that were sexually abused by a babysitter.  I think it was my exs way of telling me something happened to her too except she has that Memory blocked out.

I'm not an expert by any means on this subject Blim, but when I was with my BPDxgf and I'd touch her she would jump.  It wasn't just a gut feeling I got, but an intuitive feeling on my part that she got abused.  So I asked her once very carefully 'did something happen to you' and she nodded. I didn't want to push it further, but I think that was validation enough from her that she was abused.  If you think about the disorder and how  they naturally push down all their feelings I can't imagine how deeply buried something like that is.  It must come out in all kinds of different ways  in conjunction with the disorder.  Very sad.   
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« Reply #33 on: November 24, 2014, 03:03:00 PM »

My ex was tuned out and into her own world most of the time. My ex had a sex drive, but it felt lacking in intimacy.  Any attempts to have actual conversations about sex and intimacy were shut down with the statement, "Well, I just like penetration," and the refusal to talk about anything at all after that.

Totally creeped me out.  On the other hand, my exwas addicted to reading erotic stories about incest rape, which kind of screws everything up.  I guess rape in many ways could be just lying there and being penetrated, which would explain how she talked about sex in real life.

So messed up.  She clame that she was never abused as a kid, but I have a suspicion that she's been through some messed up stuff that she won't talk about.

Either way, regardless of how she got to where she is, I didn't think it was safe to be with someone who was into those kids of fantastes and didn't want to get help.

I realized that every time we had sex was a risk of bringing a child into this world who has a mom that fantasies about incest rape... .and I had no idea where the line was between fantasy and reality.  That's a dangerous situation.

I have a feeling a lot of pwBPD were sexually abused when they were young.  My ex talked about her cousins that were sexually abused by a babysitter.  I think it was my exs way of telling me something happened to her too except she has that Memory blocked out.

I'm not an expert by any means on this subject Blim, but when I was with my BPDxgf and I'd touch her she would jump.  It wasn't just a gut feeling I got, but an intuitive feeling on my part that she got abused.  So I asked her once very carefully 'did something happen to you' and she nodded. I didn't want to push it further, but I think that was validation enough from her that she was abused.  If you think about the disorder and how  they naturally push down all their feelings I can't imagine how deeply buried something like that is.  It must come out in all kinds of different ways  in conjunction with the disorder.  Very sad.   

My NPDw is completely dysfunctional when comes to intimacy... anything has to do with intimacy… she gets all bizarre and sometimes turns aggressive and into attack mode (as in rage mode).  we go on without intimacy for months and she says it is normal for married couple and this was like early in our relationship.  This got worse as we stayed together… anything has to do with intimacy she rejects and turn belligerent…  something is weird.  I do expect that she may have been abused when was a child… I just can not wrap my mind around how and when.  I mean do normal people act like that without sometkind of trauma?  perhaps they do if their brain was wired to be sociopathic NPD… I dunno, but I read NPD is also promiscuous… I notice that my wife has this strange attraction to older men… and she disguise it.  Especially older men at work… and I did notice another incidence.  Sometimes, I think to my self, why am I wasting so much time thinking about this… i am really wasting my life.  so sometimes I say to myself, I really don't care how and where she is coming from, I deserve none of this bull that she puts out... and that is all I know.  I got my problems growing up and I don't dump on her for my baggage.  I got my preferences but I know how to draw boundaries…. all I can say is What the heck, why are we making so much excuses for these PDs?

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« Reply #34 on: November 25, 2014, 01:42:03 PM »

In my case No. My ex was by far the most sexual partner I have ever had. She was rampant to the point of being intimidating and predatory. After a very short time sex became dreadful. She was self centered in the extreme and put so much emphasis and pressure on sex that I withdrew. There was very little true intimacy. For me, she was the worst lover I have ever had because sex was merely a control tool for her. She progressively verbally abused me with insults about my sexual performance. An awful experience. I spoke briefly to her ex (a guy I knew through a group of friends) and he told me that she had "F**ked him up sexually. This woman was bad bad news in this area. A total addict with warped ideals around sex. I'm no saint or monk but this was way too much. Thank God, I am in a relationship with someone now where sex, respect and intimacy are linked.
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« Reply #35 on: November 25, 2014, 01:57:29 PM »

Excerpt
After a very short time sex became dreadful. She was self centered in the extreme and put so much emphasis and pressure on sex that I withdrew. There was very little true intimacy. For me, she was the worst lover I have ever had

Excerpt
Thank God, I am in a relationship with someone now where sex, respect and intimacy are linked

I wanted to add something to this thread, but I think you said it all. I missed the intimacy of a close relationship. The blue movies and sex toys just became too boring.

Same old, same old... .!  
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« Reply #36 on: November 25, 2014, 06:09:34 PM »

Excerpt
After a very short time sex became dreadful. She was self centered in the extreme and put so much emphasis and pressure on sex that I withdrew. There was very little true intimacy. For me, she was the worst lover I have ever had

Excerpt
Thank God, I am in a relationship with someone now where sex, respect and intimacy are linked

I wanted to add something to this thread, but I think you said it all. I missed the intimacy of a close relationship. The blue movies and sex toys just became too boring.

Same old, same old... .!  

This might sound weird, but I am so devastated by the total bombardment of sex, then the sudden withdraw of it, that just holding hands with someone who cares about me would be a mind blowing experience.
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« Reply #37 on: November 25, 2014, 06:58:38 PM »

Mine would do things mechanically 8/10 times, I had the impression she was doing it "just cause" without any real desire. I remember telling her once it was getting repetitive and boring, I got guilt-tripped about being honest about that for years later... .

Honestly I'm glad I don't have to deal with it anymore, just too much drama overall.
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« Reply #38 on: November 25, 2014, 08:21:07 PM »

When you look at it through the borderline lens of attachment, mirroring and control, sex can be used as a powerful tool.  My ex played that to the hilt, fake double D's, 'techniques' she learned from porn, self focus, no intimacy; it felt like I should be leaving cash on the nightstand, but she considered it god's gift and I should be grateful that she was 'granting' me access.  Amazingly that worked with many a suitor, never did much for me at all, but yet I stayed, maybe she'll change, maybe she'll realize what I'm trying to give, accept it and reciprocate.  Note to self: notice what you're really getting and act accordingly.  Right away.
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« Reply #39 on: November 26, 2014, 05:19:55 AM »

In the beginning, it was very passionate and reciprical, and quite frankly exhausting. I can't recall it ever being tender, or gentle or an intimate kind of sex.

I came to realize that a) she was mostly drunk when it happened, and b) it became a mechanical motion about her. I realize 'healthy' relationships can get mechanical too, but they usually have some intimacy.

As I've seen mentioned on these boards previously, I felt like she used it to 'medicate' in some way.



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« Reply #40 on: November 26, 2014, 06:38:54 AM »

My ex uBPDgf  was amazing at it.  She would want it any time of day anywhere it did not matter, during the day in the car, just go for a walk into the woods, it was always new, different, and exciting.  My Theory on this because others post of lack of intimacy is this type actually may have a clue how abusive and intolerable they are and use sex to drug you into sticking around through the abuse they know they are going to dish out when their mask falls off
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« Reply #41 on: November 26, 2014, 07:18:18 AM »

ive heard that but i cant find a rational arguement to it... if its true -

why is that?

why are they known for doing great at sex? rationally, is there a reason?

(Big Deep Inhale)

It is my opinion, that people who engage in sexual behavior before they 'know' the other person, much less before they are married? Strike 1.

I see this all the time: Men are ensnared by a female who freely gives her body away OR EVEN just the promise of that because they have no control over their own sexual appetites. Strike 2

Women know that the vast majority of men are 'controlled' by their gross inability to reign in their sexual appetites, so the women "hook 'em" with sex that the men only 'see in the movies, or in magazines'... .and then the men mistake porn sex for 'love'. Strike 3

If a 'relationship' was 'built on' sex... .well, build a house on a sandy beach and see what happens when a storm blows in.

Who's fault is it that you built a home on a sandy beach?

Yeah, I know the view was beautiful... .you felt so special being on this beautiful beach.

But deep in your soul, you knew building your home on a sandy beach was a bad idea.

You just let your emotions make decisions.

BAD decisions.

Too many today mistake sex=love.

No.

Don't confuse the two and you won't end up wrecked.
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« Reply #42 on: November 26, 2014, 07:59:01 AM »

I think it is total subjective to value “great sex” even in relation to BPD.

Compare it to define love or pain, one get's many answers describing, not defining it.

We all have different fantasies and likes so all depends on your perception.

When the 1st time with a partner gives one a heavenly feeling was the sex great?

Ever wondered how the other partner experienced it? Also great…? Not to embarrass you maybe?

Don't even start a search for any 'evidence', it is futile.

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« Reply #43 on: November 26, 2014, 11:45:29 AM »

Sex while with my exBPDw made my shoulder sore... .  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)  It wasn't all that passionate, but very intimate since there was only one person in the room Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I've worried in the past that if I were to find passionate, casual sex that it would be a    for BPD, however I now think that is bunk. 

Potentially a pwBPD is infatuating because they play to our ego during ideation phase... .who doesn't want to hear about how much of a stud they are!  10-12 years ago she told me she got off 8-12 times in a session, and my count was close just listening to the results, however turns out that was all a lie... .  In the end I didn't wouldn't touch her with somene else's pole because I'd just be a stupid idiot that doesn't know how to do it right right... .

My shoulder isn't sore anymore... .my whole body is and turns out I do know what the F I'm doing Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #44 on: November 26, 2014, 04:21:52 PM »

Mine sure wasn't.  You actually have to care about wanting to please someone else.

I remember early in the relationship when she told me I was the best lover she ever had, waiting for me to reciprocate.  When I didn't, whoo boy that was not a fun evening.  Basically only said it so I would say it to her.

Yep, this about summed it up and I also refused to validate him as I would have been lying.  He was also keen to keep on bringing up how he was the best lover any of his ex's had. I suspect they may have all been virgins, or he just assumed it, or they just agreed to shut him up!  It came across as massive insecurity and neediness which made my skin crawl.  He also used to refer to himself as really good looking but he most definitely wasn't.  I'm not sure whether he was trying to convince me or himself.  Mine WAS focussed on pleasing me, because he had problems with any focus on him and became an anxious mess who couldn't perform.  Not nice, I started to feel like a paedophile to be honest, even though he was late 30's, and no wonder if they are emotionally stunted.
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« Reply #45 on: December 03, 2014, 07:49:59 AM »

ive heard that but i cant find a rational arguement to it... if its true -

why is that?

why are they known for doing great at sex? rationally, is there a reason?

My theory is that they're good because they get a lot of experience cheating. I can't say mine was skillfully great. I did most of the work. She just had an amazing tight little body that wouldn't quit.
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« Reply #46 on: December 03, 2014, 10:24:18 AM »

Mine was a great sexual partner at first. He used that to manipulate me. Toward then end of our relationship when he was cheating he withdrew all sex and intimacy and showed me two people humping on tv and said "that use to be us." SICKO... .Once again painful crap... .
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« Reply #47 on: December 03, 2014, 10:59:08 AM »

My ex was the biggest prude i've ever seen. I guess she was an exception  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #48 on: December 03, 2014, 02:00:27 PM »

The one i was involved with certainly was. It's the only thing she's good at but it's pretty valuable as she can pretty much find a guy that's willing to live with her and help her out with her army of kids in exchange for sex, which is basically what her "relationships" now amount to.

sounds like my ex not the same women is it !
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« Reply #49 on: December 03, 2014, 03:07:53 PM »

This thread is interesting because i'm seeing some responses that were the complete opposite of my experience. I too also thought that being highly sexual was a signifcant BPD characteristic as the BPDx i was involved with just wanted to have sex non-stop. Very few instances involved actual "love making" and it was usually just very rough sex like you would have with a random hookup.
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« Reply #50 on: December 03, 2014, 03:36:49 PM »

LOL. I used to get this a lot too. Along with "nobody has ever made me feel this way before" and all that other nonsense. I ate it all up like a puppy.

He used to say that "it was just perfect" everytime we made love, which was not often, every 3-4 weeks. But IT WAS perfect, there was nothing I could say about that. It still hurts to think of all this  :'(
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« Reply #51 on: December 03, 2014, 03:42:31 PM »

I think it is total subjective to value “great sex” even in relation to BPD.

I do remember that in the beginning he said something about being "adaptable" in this field.

I wonder if he just mirrorred me, behaved in such a likewise manner that I felt 100% understood and an amazing bond.

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« Reply #52 on: December 03, 2014, 04:08:04 PM »

Let's not forget that many of us are so banged up, battered and bruised by the time we extract ourselves from our disordered ex, we may not be in a great place to attract what we want, or be a good judge of what we get.  I enjoy sex as much as the next guy, but I don't give a ---- if the filet mignon taste great in jail, I'll take Ramen noodles and freedom everytime.

This is me high-fiving myself in the mirror... .
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« Reply #53 on: December 03, 2014, 04:10:55 PM »

but I don't give a ---- if the filet mignon taste great in jail, I'll take Ramen noodles and freedom everytime.

The thing is just before BPDx, I was with my D10's father for 9 years. Freedom, respect, great companionship, trust. But zero romance and lousy sex (or non existing). And I really felt something was truly missing... .
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« Reply #54 on: December 03, 2014, 04:18:50 PM »

Only in the first phases, then as time progressed it went from being "the best she ever had" to telling me I had sexually abused her to in the end, me not wanting her to touch me at all.

She used it to reel me in.
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« Reply #55 on: December 03, 2014, 04:28:01 PM »

Only in the first phases, then as time progressed it went from being "the best she ever had" to telling me I had sexually abused her to in the end, me not wanting her to touch me at all.

She used it to reel me in.

My BPDx always chose WHEN to have sex, and passed the first stage, it was not often.

I didn't complain much, for I do believe that this is up to personnal choice, but I did crave intimicy and tenderness sometimes.

But I suppose his ex was more demanding, he'd told me that she sometimes shouted (with window open and people on the street/neighbours potentielly listening) that "he wasn't even good at sex".

He then had told me that he had to force himself to have sex, that it was physically painful (?)

This had somewhat shocked me, first that he'd talk about this to ME and secondly that a man could feel kind of sexually abused by his gf... .

I guess he didn't find that was my weak point. Instead he used my recent financial dependency on him to put me (and the kids) in REAL trouble.

Also he new that I hated invasive family. Here I've been served: they've even read ALL our mails and texts.

It's just unbelievable.

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« Reply #56 on: December 03, 2014, 04:39:12 PM »

Only in the first phases, then as time progressed it went from being "the best she ever had" to telling me I had sexually abused her to in the end, me not wanting her to touch me at all.

She used it to reel me in.

My BPDx always chose WHEN to have sex, and passed the first stage, it was not often.

I didn't complain much, for I do believe that this is up to personnal choice, but I did crave intimicy and tenderness sometimes.

But I suppose his ex was more demanding, he'd told me that she sometimes shouted (with window open and people on the street/neighbours potentielly listening) that "he wasn't even good at sex".

He then had told me that he had to force himself to have sex, that it was physically painful (?)

This had somewhat shocked me, first that he'd talk about this to ME and secondly that a man could feel kind of sexually abused by his gf... .

I guess he didn't find that was my weak point. Instead he used my recent financial dependency on him to put me (and the kids) in REAL trouble.

Also he new that I hated invasive family. Here I've been served: they've even read ALL our mails and texts.

It's just unbelievable.

My ex would embarress me infront of her relatives on purpose and yes, show them my weaknesses while hiding her outright abuses. A man can feel abused by a girlfriend in every place not only the bedroom.
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« Reply #57 on: December 03, 2014, 04:40:18 PM »

Excerpt
She used it to reel me in.

That's the idea I have about it too. At first she wanted to know my every sexual fantasy and she really meant it, she wouldn't stop nagging until I opened up completely about it. She, on the other hand, didn't seem to have any fantasies at all, except for mine which she suddenly adopted as hers... .She just "didn't discover she had that in her yet". Sure enough she wanted to act out all the things I told her, even some things I wasn't even sure I wanted to do for real... .Then as time went by she gradually wasn't that 'into those things anymore' and by extension not that into sex with me anymore either... .So all this left me confused, anxious and deprived, which is exactly where they want you, as your every thought, emotion, action will revolve around them. You become like that obsessed heroine junkie, degrading yourself licking your dealers' boots for a spec of dope thrown at you.

Of course if you really detach and she knows it she'll be that porn star incarnate again, for a (much shorter) while
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« Reply #58 on: December 03, 2014, 04:43:38 PM »

Excerpt
She used it to reel me in.

That's the idea I have about it too. At first she wanted to know my every sexual fantasy and she really meant it, she wouldn't stop nagging until I opened up completely about it. She, on the other hand, didn't seem to have any fantasies at all, except for mine which she suddenly adopted as hers... .She just "didn't discover she had that in her yet". Sure enough she wanted to act out all the things I told her, even some things I wasn't even sure I wanted to do for real... .Then as time went by she gradually wasn't that 'into those things anymore' and by extension not that into sex with me anymore either... .So all this left me confused, anxious and deprived, which is exactly where they want you, as your every thought, emotion, action will revolve around them. You become like that obsessed heroine junkie, degrading yourself licking your dealers' boots for a spec of dope thrown at you.

Of course if you really detach and she knows it she'll be that porn star incarnate again, for a (much shorter) while

Ha! Maybe its the same woman! Ironically, not only would she not tell me her fantasies, she used to berate me for not knowing them and call me selfish for not taking the time to get to know her. So much crazymaking... .
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clydegriffith
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
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« Reply #59 on: December 03, 2014, 04:46:15 PM »

Excerpt
She used it to reel me in.

That's the idea I have about it too. At first she wanted to know my every sexual fantasy and she really meant it, she wouldn't stop nagging until I opened up completely about it. She, on the other hand, didn't seem to have any fantasies at all, except for mine which she suddenly adopted as hers... .She just "didn't discover she had that in her yet". Sure enough she wanted to act out all the things I told her, even some things I wasn't even sure I wanted to do for real... .Then as time went by she gradually wasn't that 'into those things anymore' and by extension not that into sex with me anymore either... .So all this left me confused, anxious and deprived, which is exactly where they want you, as your every thought, emotion, action will revolve around them. You become like that obsessed heroine junkie, degrading yourself licking your dealers' boots for a spec of dope thrown at you.

Of course if you really detach and she knows it she'll be that porn star incarnate again, for a (much shorter) while

This is word for word what happened to me to the pont that it's messed me up a little bit. It's difficult to have "normal" sex with a decent woman because i was hooked on the crazy sex and doing whatever i wanted to the BPDx. It was really like having my own porn star.
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