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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: is it true that like my ex most BPDs are great at sex?  (Read 5919 times)
jflc

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« on: November 13, 2014, 08:51:39 AM »

ive heard that but i cant find a rational arguement to it... if its true -

why is that?

why are they known for doing great at sex? rationally, is there a reason?
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Deeno02
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« Reply #1 on: November 13, 2014, 09:37:53 AM »

Mine was not... .
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #2 on: November 13, 2014, 11:06:03 AM »

The one i was involved with certainly was. It's the only thing she's good at but it's pretty valuable as she can pretty much find a guy that's willing to live with her and help her out with her army of kids in exchange for sex, which is basically what her "relationships" now amount to.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #3 on: November 13, 2014, 11:17:31 AM »

Not mine... .She has huge self-esteem issues that carried right into the bedroom.  I won't go into detail, but... .no she was not great at sex.
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jflc

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« Reply #4 on: November 13, 2014, 11:19:29 AM »

i dont think mine was great at sex, but i think i started to love her so much, that i thought everything about her was great...

i remember in the beggining i didnt really think her sex was even above average...

and now i dream of her and think ill never find sex like that again...

is this what im feeling/felt for her real love?

bc i literally found everything that i hated about her beautiful, once she conquered me...
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Raybo48
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« Reply #5 on: November 13, 2014, 11:23:08 AM »

Honest answer in short.  You fell in love with a fantasy. 
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Deeno02
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« Reply #6 on: November 13, 2014, 11:24:30 AM »

Honest answer in short.  You fell in love with a fantasy. 

Ding... Ding... Ding... .We all did... .
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2014, 11:33:48 AM »

Continuing to have sex with her when i knew things were not going to work out was really self destructive. I hated myself afterwards for being so weak and caving to her advances. I would feel so weird just laying there with her afterwards.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #8 on: November 13, 2014, 11:38:29 AM »

I've been there.  Hell I continued to baby sit her and try and save her from her drunken binges when I knew things were not going to work out.  Don't beat yourself up about that, it's in the past.  All we can do now is move forward with the knowledge we have of the disorder and more importantly own our role in the dysfunction.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #9 on: November 13, 2014, 12:16:05 PM »

Mine was obsessed with sex and wanted to know that she was the best.  I haven't been with a ton of partners, nor do I even care about comparing sexual performance between people -I think that is cruel.

I bet it is probably because a) she was sexually abused as a kid, so she links her rage to sex, and b) she has no clue how to have real emotional closeness, so she, like many people, sexualizes closeness -it's like a cheap substitute
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WhatTheFrank
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« Reply #10 on: November 13, 2014, 02:30:03 PM »

Mine sure wasn't.  You actually have to care about wanting to please someone else.

I remember early in the relationship when she told me I was the best lover she ever had, waiting for me to reciprocate.  When I didn't, whoo boy that was not a fun evening.  Basically only said it so I would say it to her.
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #11 on: November 13, 2014, 02:31:47 PM »

Mine sure wasn't.  You actually have to care about wanting to please someone else.

I remember early in the relationship when she told me I was the best lover she ever had, waiting for me to reciprocate.  When I didn't, whoo boy that was not a fun evening.  Basically only said it so I would say it to her.

LOL. I used to get this a lot too. Along with "nobody has ever made me feel this way before" and all that other nonsense. I ate it all up like a puppy.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #12 on: November 13, 2014, 02:39:25 PM »

Mine sure wasn't.  You actually have to care about wanting to please someone else.

I remember early in the relationship when she told me I was the best lover she ever had, waiting for me to reciprocate.  When I didn't, whoo boy that was not a fun evening.  Basically only said it so I would say it to her.

LOL. I used to get this a lot too. Along with "nobody has ever made me feel this way before" and all that other nonsense. I ate it all up like a puppy.

I heard some of that crap too.  She also would never divulge how many people she'd been with, but referred to herself as a "prude".  All I can say is as the relationship unfolded and the amount of ex boyfriends names that came up along with the crap that went on behind my back with FB guys, guys coming to her place delivering vodka, and blatant affairs the list in my mind of how many guys that I could think of was crazy long.   Needless to say after the sex ended I went and got tested, the whole nine yards.  

That's one thing that is a little surprising to me on these boards is that being tested for SDT isn't brought up very much if at all.  Hell, just about every member here has said there was cheating over and over so it seems logical to get some testing done even for peace of mind.  
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #13 on: November 13, 2014, 03:35:07 PM »

I remeber once she she could count the number of people she slept with two hands. That comment is now comical as chances are very good that she cheated with at least 8 people i know about i'm certain there are others. Once i finally started realizing the extent of her ___dom, which took me walking in on her with one of my friends and him showing me all the text messages between them two which made it crystal clear she was the one pursuer, i went out and got tested.
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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #14 on: November 13, 2014, 03:36:42 PM »

My ex is probably up into the 20's, at this point.
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Raybo48
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« Reply #15 on: November 13, 2014, 03:49:15 PM »

My ex is probably up into the 20's, at this point.

I'm pretty sure mine was/is above and beyond that OOE. 

Funny thing is if people are straight with you and tell you "the number" you can take them or leave them.  The hurt and pain comes when that person with the disorder paints themselves with very specific brush strokes having you think one way and then as the relationship unfolds and   you see a different painting you feel pretty cheated and dirty because that's not what you signed up for.   I know lying to them is like breathing to us, but it's still mind blowing on how many skeletons are in their closet.
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peiper
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« Reply #16 on: November 13, 2014, 04:12:33 PM »

The sex with my pwBPDexw was never all that. I don't miss the sex just the fantasy.
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workinprogress
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« Reply #17 on: November 13, 2014, 04:35:11 PM »

Mine sure wasn't.  You actually have to care about wanting to please someone else.

I remember early in the relationship when she told me I was the best lover she ever had, waiting for me to reciprocate.  When I didn't, whoo boy that was not a fun evening.  Basically only said it so I would say it to her.

LOL. I used to get this a lot too. Along with "nobody has ever made me feel this way before" and all that other nonsense. I ate it all up like a puppy.

The same thing happened to me!  My wife (while we were dating) told me that we had the best sex she ever had.  Then, during the marriage, she told me that I was the best at oral, but all oral suddenly stopped right after that.

Go figure.
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Chasing_Ghosts
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« Reply #18 on: November 13, 2014, 04:46:57 PM »

My ex is probably up into the 20's, at this point.

I'm pretty sure mine was/is above and beyond that OOE. 

Funny thing is if people are straight with you and tell you "the number" you can take them or leave them.  The hurt and pain comes when that person with the disorder paints themselves with very specific brush strokes having you think one way and then as the relationship unfolds and   you see a different painting you feel pretty cheated and dirty because that's not what you signed up for.   I know lying to them is like breathing to us, but it's still mind blowing on how many skeletons are in their closet.

Yea i feel pretty cheated out of my virginity for this exact same reason. Something im having a hard time excepting somedays. Idk i guess the sex was everything i ever wanted physically, she did things i never though a girl would do for me. And seldom it did get there with intensity emotionally and spiritually. But more often than not i felt this a one way street. The last time we had sex she was flipped over acting as if it was such a "chore" for us to share the deepest bond a human being can have with another on this plane of existence. That one still hurts when i think about it. I dont blame her. I blame myself for projecting my own fantasy onto to her and thinking she was capable of the same feelings. But she was my first everything so honestly it was to be expected in that i went in the flames with no protective gear and navigated the waters without a proper compass. I was blind to what a relationship was supposed to be and so i expected too much. And as one of my favorite quotes states "expectation is the root of all heartache." Its ironic that ever since i was a teenager i always convinced myself that "once you get a girl in a serious long term relationship everything else will fall into suite and youll finally be happy." I never imagined what a lesson id learn from such foolishness and it was probably the most painful one of my whole life.  
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Waifed
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« Reply #19 on: November 13, 2014, 04:47:12 PM »

Sex was the best I have had in all my years with my ex, and it was great every time.  I missed it dearly for the first couple of months of NC and it hurt to think she was with someone (or more   ) else.  She was hyper-sexual and multi-orgasmic.  It was a lot of fun.  It was her hook.  She used it to subtly control and manipulate me.  Knowing what I know now about her, I look at her more like a trashy ___.  I don't think you could pay me to have sex with her now.
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clydegriffith
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« Reply #20 on: November 13, 2014, 04:54:05 PM »

The sex with my pwBPDexw was never all that. I don't miss the sex just the fantasy.

See to me, the great sex was part of that fantasy some of us here talk about.

Also, im pretty sure the bdx is probably closer to 100 bodies than 20 and she's in her mid 20s.

While i dont judge the body count, what i do judge is that she has that high a number while pretty much not ever really being single. She jumps from "relationship" to "relationship" and victimizes that person (and getting pregnant by them) while at the same timesleeping around with whoever without a care in the world. That right there is what is digusting.  
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Raybo48
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« Reply #21 on: November 13, 2014, 04:59:32 PM »

Sex was the best I have had in all my years with my ex, and it was great every time.  I missed it dearly for the first couple of months of NC and it hurt to think she was with someone (or more   ) else.  She was hyper-sexual and multi-orgasmic.  It was a lot of fun.  It was her hook.  She used it to subtly control and manipulate me.  Knowing what I know now about her, I look at her more like a trashy ___.  I don't think you could pay me to have sex with her now.

Although I said earlier in this thread that my ex was average at best her hook was giving oral and as you said she used it to subtly control and manipulate me.  If something went wrong the next day or that week she had no problem telling me what she did for me and how I wasn't meeting her needs in whatever the matter was.  She threw that in my face constantly and would also brag to her girlfriends openly about how spoiled I was and should consider myself lucky in that regard. It would have been almost funny except for the fact that I was dealing with a disordered, manipulative, and very cunning individual.  I think it was her only hook as far as sex because as I said previously she was very self-conscious in the actual act.  
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Pou
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« Reply #22 on: November 13, 2014, 05:47:19 PM »

I think that is very subjective… if we use objective standards and plot out the answers, I believe we will see a chart that is everywhere.  I think intimacy experience is highly subjective.  Lots is in our heads… and also what our individual preferences are.  
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Raybo48
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« Reply #23 on: November 13, 2014, 05:52:18 PM »

How is it being subjective when it comes to my personal experiences with my BPDxgf? I don't recall anyone else being influenced but me by the comments she made.   I was acutely aware of the manipulation tactics she was using on me and there was nothing subjective about that.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #24 on: November 13, 2014, 05:57:31 PM »

I think this horse is dead... .
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Raybo48
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« Reply #25 on: November 13, 2014, 05:58:42 PM »

Very
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hergestridge
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« Reply #26 on: November 14, 2014, 03:52:06 AM »

Hell no. My exwife was heavy handed, clumsy and self occupied.

The first time I was touched *gently* by woman after breaking up with my wife I realized what I've been missing out on.
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Pou
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« Reply #27 on: November 14, 2014, 05:52:13 AM »

How is it being subjective when it comes to my personal experiences with my BPDxgf? I don't recall anyone else being influenced but me by the comments she made.   I was acutely aware of the manipulation tactics she was using on me and there was nothing subjective about that.

subjective means it works on you and people alike that may be attracted to the "experience" that she was providing.  What works for you may not work for another…. that is what I mean by subjective.  Unfortunately for men, we are driven by testosterone, so that it is not difficult to please us with a bit of seduction and little effort, everything feels great.  But I can assure you that after you reach my age (40+) and after going through what I have gone through, I am able to detach that physical attraction and see that as a liability rather than an asset … I begin to pay more attention about how a woman behaves.  I recognize that many men who had strong father figures in their lives are instinctually able to feel that out.  A man who grew up in a healthy and functional family sees what their parents' interactions are like and expect that.  So why are we attracted to dysfunctional PDs?  perhaps we did not have a chance to properly educate our brain to be attracted to the right mate?  perhaps this is also part of "imprinting" that we missed.  
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Raybo48
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« Reply #28 on: November 14, 2014, 08:35:00 AM »

How is it being subjective when it comes to my personal experiences with my BPDxgf? I don't recall anyone else being influenced but me by the comments she made.   I was acutely aware of the manipulation tactics she was using on me and there was nothing subjective about that.

subjective means it works on you and people alike that may be attracted to the "experience" that she was providing.  What works for you may not work for another…. that is what I mean by subjective.  Unfortunately for men, we are driven by testosterone, so that it is not difficult to please us with a bit of seduction and little effort, everything feels great.  But I can assure you that after you reach my age (40+) and after going through what I have gone through, I am able to detach that physical attraction and see that as a liability rather than an asset … I begin to pay more attention about how a woman behaves.  I recognize that many men who had strong father figures in their lives are instinctually able to feel that out.  A man who grew up in a healthy and functional family sees what their parents' interactions are like and expect that.  So why are we attracted to dysfunctional PDs?  perhaps we did not have a chance to properly educate our brain to be attracted to the right mate?  perhaps this is also part of "imprinting" that we missed.  

Um, I'll be 49 in a week so my BPDxgf isn't my first rodeo.
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levelup
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« Reply #29 on: November 14, 2014, 10:51:21 AM »

My ex was tuned out and into her own world most of the time. My ex had a sex drive, but it felt lacking in intimacy.  Any attempts to have actual conversations about sex and intimacy were shut down with the statement, "Well, I just like penetration," and the refusal to talk about anything at all after that.

Totally creeped me out.  On the other hand, my exwas addicted to reading erotic stories about incest rape, which kind of screws everything up.  I guess rape in many ways could be just lying there and being penetrated, which would explain how she talked about sex in real life.

So messed up.  She clame that she was never abused as a kid, but I have a suspicion that she's been through some messed up stuff that she won't talk about.

Either way, regardless of how she got to where she is, I didn't think it was safe to be with someone who was into those kids of fantastes and didn't want to get help.

I realized that every time we had sex was a risk of bringing a child into this world who has a mom that fantasies about incest rape... .and I had no idea where the line was between fantasy and reality.  That's a dangerous situation.
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