I wish...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I wish I could read something on here that would give me all the answers.  Something that would take the pain away.  I used to think down the line, but now I only think about one day at a time.  I read on here how non's say take it one day at a time.  And it will get better with time.  I feel so lost.  I have bounced from one board to another trying to find where I best fit in.  I am back on this board because I ended it again.  I did everything I knew to do.  I became a self proclaimed expert on BPD.  Even after learning all about it, I realized that I can't fix the relationship.  I know that I have been enabling her to continue her abuse even when I put boundaries in place.  Because I am not strong enough emotionally not to give in when she baits me with the same arguments.   I have been doing this dance for almost 5 yrs.  I have always held on to the hope that somehow it would get better.  She did stop raging.  But she continued blaming me for our past and everything that went wrong.    She started telling me that I was the one that couldn't be trusted.  I could never figure out what I was doing.  And then I would realize that I must have gotten too close, so I would pull back a little.  And that would bring panic to her, and she would then come toward me.  I would let my guard down and the push pull dynamics would continue.  It is never ending.      I don't have any questions.  I just need something to help me feel better.  Just a word of encouragement, something. 

[WhoMe51]

I wish I could read something on here that would give me all the answers.  Something that would take the pain away.  I used to think down the line, but now I only think about one day at a time.  I read on here how non's say take it one day at a time.  And it will get better with time.  I feel so lost.  I have bounced from one board to another trying to find where I best fit in.  I am back on this board because I ended it again.  I did everything I knew to do.  I became a self proclaimed expert on BPD.  Even after learning all about it, I realized that I can't fix the relationship.  I know that I have been enabling her to continue her abuse even when I put boundaries in place.  Because I am not strong enough emotionally not to give in when she baits me with the same arguments.   I have been doing this dance for almost 5 yrs.  I have always held on to the hope that somehow it would get better.  She did stop raging.  But she continued blaming me for our past and everything that went wrong.    She started telling me that I was the one that couldn't be trusted.  I could never figure out what I was doing.  And then I would realize that I must have gotten too close, so I would pull back a little.  And that would bring panic to her, and she would then come toward me.  I would let my guard down and the push pull dynamics would continue.  It is never ending.      I don't have any questions.  I just need something to help me feel better.  Just a word of encouragement, something. 

[Raybo48]

I'm glad you are back on this board.  It sounds like you have owned your place in the relationship and see it for what it is.  That is a huge step forward in so many ways.  You have got to give yourself credit for that and I strongly believe it will ultimately help you heal faster rather than flounder and wondering  about 'what if's' and 'why'.

[1989]

It will get better.  It really will.  The first step in healing is knowing for certain that you are done with the relationship.  For me that was step one.  It can be a long process.  I think of it as someone who has suffered a brain injury and they have to start back from the beginning (learning to crawl, walk, and run).  Try to measure your progress by small accomplishments:  making it through a day without crying, being able to fall asleep easier, not thinking about her 90% of the time.  Unhook yourself and the happiness will come later.  It won't come quickly, but eventually.

[Caredverymuch]

I wish I could read something on here that would give me all the answers.  Something that would take the pain away.  I used to think down the line, but now I only think about one day at a time.  I read on here how non's say take it one day at a time.  And it will get better with time.  I feel so lost.  I have bounced from one board to another trying to find where I best fit in.  I am back on this board because I ended it again.  I did everything I knew to do.  I became a self proclaimed expert on BPD.  Even after learning all about it, I realized that I can't fix the relationship.  I know that I have been enabling her to continue her abuse even when I put boundaries in place.  Because I am not strong enough emotionally not to give in when she baits me with the same arguments.   I have been doing this dance for almost 5 yrs.  I have always held on to the hope that somehow it would get better.  She did stop raging.  But she continued blaming me for our past and everything that went wrong.    She started telling me that I was the one that couldn't be trusted.  I could never figure out what I was doing.  And then I would realize that I must have gotten too close, so I would pull back a little.  And that would bring panic to her, anyd she would then come toward me.  I would let my guard down and the push pull dynamics would continue.  It is never ending.      I don't have any questions.  I just need something to help me feel better.  Just a word of encouragement, something. 

Im going to give you two  words of encouragement.  You matter.

I read your post and nodded in feeling much in the same.  Its very difficult to care for and love  someone while trying very hard to understand their coping mechanisms . Which hurts and so often repeats.

You are a caring and loving person.

Here on this board we refocus on us. 

You are not lost here.  Keep posting while remembering that you very much matter.

[FlyingAway]

You are a caring and loving person.

Here on this board we refocus on us. 

You are also strong. Stronger than you know. Please prove it to yourself. It helps me a lot to think this, and I do it kind of like an affirmation, many times each day. Think about the courageous things you've done throughout your life, and how you survived, only to be stronger as a result. Keep thinking it and remembering it, and each and everyday you will be a tiny bit stronger.

[WhoMe51]

I would like to thank everyone for the encouragement.  It really helped.  I was just having a rough day yesterday.  It was one of those days where you realize that nothing extra you did made a difference in the relationship.  The only thing it did was prolong the ending.  I read what each of you wrote over and over.  And it really helped.  It is just hard to admit that I was addicted to her.  I am addicted to the drama and still trying to help.  I was addicted to the sweet times we had and kept trying to get them back.  And I was addicted to the crazy make up sex after every fight.  She used to make me feel good and then I just wanted to feel some kind of normalcy in the relationship.  That's when I realized there would never be any normalcy.  That this was the best it was going to get.  She refused to get therapy even though she would admit that she needed it.  When I told her I was through, she started making all these promises about getting help. 

[Raybo48]

I would like to thank everyone for the encouragement.  It really helped.  I was just having a rough day yesterday.  It was one of those days where you realize that nothing extra you did made a difference in the relationship.  The only thing it did was prolong the ending.  I read what each of you wrote over and over.  And it really helped.  It is just hard to admit that I was addicted to her.  I am addicted to the drama and still trying to help.  I was addicted to the sweet times we had and kept trying to get them back.  And I was addicted to the crazy make up sex after every fight.  She used to make me feel good and then I just wanted to feel some kind of normalcy in the relationship.  That's when I realized there would never be any normalcy.  That this was the best it was going to get.  She refused to get therapy even though she would admit that she needed it.  When I told her I was through, she started making all these promises about getting help. 

Everything you have said here is totally understandable and I can certainly relate.  I try to have one measuring stick with my BPDxgf and that's "does her words meet her actions".   Nearly 100% of the time they don't so I know she will never change for the better and there is certainly no room for me in her life because of that.   

[citylist]

WOW! I cannot believe that you just told my story. I am in the beginning stages of healing and recovery... .beginning stages. My divorce will be final the day before Thanksgiving... .whipde. I have never been so torn in my life. Deciding whether to stay and try some more or bail. This is the 4th divorce I have filed for and DO understand BPD pretty well now. Every other time, she came around and went to therapy, got on meds etc. I feel I am crazy. My therapist says I am becoming part of her world and out of touch with mine. I know my therapist is right, it just hurts beyond belief and I am having an almost impossible time dealing with it. We have no kids together and have been together for 11 years, married for 7. My son is 13 and has Aspergers (This does not work well at all). Her 2 daughters are teens and are victims of Parent Alienation Syndrome of their father. TOTAL mess and for some reason I thought I could repair everybody. I now know why and understand enough to call it quits. I was hopeless and thought I was the only person experiencing this craziness without a cure. This site is now a lifeline for me. I now have you guys as support and know I will be better some day. Thanks for sharing.

Steve