Rebound replacement love?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After a break up it's very common for people to have a rebound relationship.

I get it, it's an effort to fill an emotional void left in the wake of any long term relationship. 

But the same week of the breakup, with the first person that shows you attention and saying I love you immediately should raise warning flags for both individuals.

Most rebounds don't last long but pwBPD they seem to form an immediate emotional attachment that actually feels like love when in all actuality it's co-dependency.

As result it takes month or even years for the trouble to start.

Unfortunately my replacement is a door mat that will say and do anything to keep her happy which will prolong the relationship.

I was kind of hoping she would find a typical self centered who wasn't in touch with her needs and she would dump him and appreciate how good a guy I was. 

[BrokenFamily]

After a break up it's very common for people to have a rebound relationship.

I get it, it's an effort to fill an emotional void left in the wake of any long term relationship. 

But the same week of the breakup, with the first person that shows you attention and saying I love you immediately should raise warning flags for both individuals.

Most rebounds don't last long but pwBPD they seem to form an immediate emotional attachment that actually feels like love when in all actuality it's co-dependency.

As result it takes month or even years for the trouble to start.

Unfortunately my replacement is a door mat that will say and do anything to keep her happy which will prolong the relationship.

I was kind of hoping she would find a typical self centered who wasn't in touch with her needs and she would dump him and appreciate how good a guy I was. 

[BrokenFamily]

Also with the holidays coming up there's no chance they will part : (

It's a kick in the balls knowing I'll be single this holiday season and Charles Manson isn't ~!

[walksoftly]

Oh ___, that Charles Manson crap can you believe it? Hmmmm, I wonder how many red flags are popping up in THAT relationship?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I believe that for them it is about survival.  Without a partner they are knocking on death's door.  It doesn't matter who it is - they need someone and cannot be alone and single.  Without a partner they will lose their sense of self.  You are here and you are learning and you are in the better place.  Your replacement too will need to go through the pain that you may be suffering.  His heart will be broken also.  This is the reality of the disorder IMHO. Look after yourself. 

[walksoftly]

I was crushed when I learned that my ex was with my replacement for a very long period of time while she was with me. They moved in together and are getting married all within a two year span. She met him with all her BPDness(poetic licence) and he met her going through his third messy divorce.

It seemed like they were having a fantastic time together and now I hear she rages on him and he isnt treating my daughter very well at all. My ex just recently kicked my 19 year old stepdaughter out of the home - she stayed with me and she was in absolute shock. You see, the rage went from me and then was transferred to my 19 year old. Every time I pick up my other daughter, who is nine, there are new stories about her mother's rage and her new stepfathers coldness. She made some Christmas drawings for him and he wouldnt accept them citing that it "was too early for Christmas."

I suspect a nervous breakdown is looming on their end and I only hope my nine year old manages through the insanity.

[Deeno02]

My replacement is her old college buddy I guess. Warning bald dude... .a lot has changed in 20 something years. Good fu*king luck.

[allweareisallweare]

That's the thing - sometimes Bpds just fall right into a new supply and we are cut loose, and rarely there's a proper break and them being BPD will crave to fill that, with a rebound, so there's two different types aligned with the same old chestnut  - they are too cowardly and scared to be alone, it is abandonment projection fulfilment, and they will do whatever and hurt whoever to swerve it.

[BrokenFamily]

It's amazing how often the replacements are total downgrades. Mine is a bog boy at our local grocery story, is over weight, has no car, lives with his mommy, watches wrestling and porn all day?  

Not to toot my own horn but I make almost 6 figures, I'm build like a greek god, I have two cars (one is hers I refuse to give to her) I own a home and I'd like to think I'm a very intelligent guy.

I was mad and frustrated with her but now I almost feel sorry for her and truly feel sorry for my daughter.

[Popcorn71]

It's amazing how often the replacements are total downgrades.

This amazes me too.  At first I was very upset and wondered what was wrong with me when my xBPDh left for the the replacement.  Now I can see things more clearly.  He must have a serious problem if he could leave an intelligent, capable, attractive woman and give up a great lifestyle, wonderful home and a financially secure future.  He now has a fat, ugly, illiterate scrounger, who would be incapable of ever supporting herself and also faces a future where he will have to work in a job he hates for the rest of his life, in order to pay for their life (including her grown up sons and their families, who have moved in with them.  He lives in squalor and most people locally talk about what an idiot he is, behind his back!

Mmmmm, who is it with the problem here?  Him and the replacement by the looks of it.  The funny thing is, neither of them seem to realise that yet.

[BrokenFamily]

I couldn't agree more my ex is beautiful intelligent and had everything but now takes a bus with a fat guy who watches wrestling! Maybe the find the people they feel they deserve. I'm no longer worried about it. I tell her all the time I'm glad she's happier now and I love her unconditionally and support all her decisions. She looks at me with a blank stare that just screams help me I'm not happy but refuses to open her mouth and say it. I have an amazing life, new car, stable home and a beautiful daughter, all I lost was a moody spiteful monster that liked putting me down and tormenting me. She thinks I'm miserable because I'm choosing to stay single but thats what people who have common sense do after a long term relationship!

[Popcorn71]

She looks at me with a blank stare that just screams help me I'm not happy but refuses to open her mouth and say it. I have an amazing life, new car, stable home and a beautiful daughter, all I lost was a moody spiteful monster that liked putting me down and tormenting me. She thinks I'm miserable because I'm choosing to stay single but thats what people who have common sense do after a long term relationship!

  I cannot believe how similar our experiences are.  My ex has a look of total panic whenever I see him and if I know anything about him at all, he is not happy, just pretending to be.

In comparision, I am genuinely happy most of the time now.  I am no longer stressed.  I enjoy my free time and the job I got since he left.  I enjoy a new, active, social life and my friends and family have come back to me.  I'm about to move to a new home and life is just so wonderful in many more ways.

I have dated occasionally but so far choose to remain single.  I'm not settling for anyone less than I deserve this time around.

[sirensong65]

Het Broken Family, your replacement probably watches vids of my replacement! lmao!  She's a porn/wrestling star to name a few of her, uh, "talents".

Listen guys, I feel your pain.  Mine is gonna make the holiday with his new love like a hallmark card cause that's what he did with me.  They met around the same time of year we did, so the honeymoon period is in full force.  Whatever, I don't care.  I was damn near suicide last year at Christmas. This year I can actually picture the two of them blissful and happy and not shed a tear... .huge progress.

I wouldn't take him back on a bet. I'm still struggling with the lie and the fact the whole thing was a play he was acting out.  I lost my trust. in others and my own judgement. But I can tell you with 100% certainty, this will crash and burn for him just as they all have for years and years.  I am just another rung on the ladder, and this girl will take her position at some point.  The good news is, my term is over.

[Blimblam]

It's amazing how often the replacements are total downgrades. Mine is a bog boy at our local grocery story, is over weight, has no car, lives with his mommy, watches wrestling and porn all day?  

Not to toot my own horn but I make almost 6 figures, I'm build like a greek god, I have two cars (one is hers I refuse to give to her) I own a home and I'd like to think I'm a very intelligent guy.

I was mad and frustrated with her but now I almost feel sorry for her and truly feel sorry for my daughter.

Perhaps all those assets are why she believes it didn't work so she found someone who didn't make her feel as insecure about herself that she felt she could more easily stay in control with.

[Chasing_Ghosts]

It's amazing how often the replacements are total downgrades. Mine is a bog boy at our local grocery story, is over weight, has no car, lives with his mommy, watches wrestling and porn all day?  

Not to toot my own horn but I make almost 6 figures, I'm build like a greek god, I have two cars (one is hers I refuse to give to her) I own a home and I'd like to think I'm a very intelligent guy.

I was mad and frustrated with her but now I almost feel sorry for her and truly feel sorry for my daughter.

Perhaps all those assets are why she believes it didn't work so she found someone who didn't make her feel as insecure about herself that she felt she could more easily stay in control with.

Wow, that would explain alot. Great insight Blim.

[BrokenFamily]

That is a good insight Blimblam, unfortunately she is selfishly putting her daughter through hell in the process.

If we didn't have a daughter together and she wasn't neglecting her and creating drama every moment she gets, I could careless if she married Charles Mason tomorrow.

I do love her but I'm a big fan of freewill and if she can't or refused to love me back she can kick rocks.

[Hawk Ridge]

I get this.  I have felt like a total loser in waiting to get involved again.   She left me in March.  And i suspect was at least with my replacement online before she left me but states she started dating and, of course, fell in love in May with an obvious downgrade.  I recently started dating a very nice person and it feels good but I am taking it slow.   When I remove the logic and shame, I know her r/s won't last.  None of them have and none will even though she falls in love and wants to marry.  I have to remember this when I miss her or want her back.   Oh, and I don't miss the blank eyes that scream - great description that it appears only we non's identify with.  Thank you for the validation.

[BrokenFamily]

We have a mutual friend who has always supported both sides and encouraged us getting back together during her little outbursts. Since the breakup she's been totally silent, I asked her why the other day and she said do you really want her back? I said well yes, she's the love of my life , the other of my child and perhaps with therapy it could work. She said could you forgive her? I thought about it and thought sure why not it's the disorder not her. It seemed she was trying to tell me something but I didn't know what. I thought about it and did some snooping around and realized not only was I replace but she cheated on me with the guy! They were talking for weeks and the silly fight she started while I was at work was planned out in an effort to end it with me and start seeing this guy. It is truly amazing how diabolical the BPD mind works. It's like she's become a psychopath... .

[Xidion]

It's amazing how often the replacements are total downgrades. Mine is a bog boy at our local grocery story, is over weight, has no car, lives with his mommy, watches wrestling and porn all day?  

Not to toot my own horn but I make almost 6 figures, I'm build like a greek god, I have two cars (one is hers I refuse to give to her) I own a home and I'd like to think I'm a very intelligent guy.

I was mad and frustrated with her but now I almost feel sorry for her and truly feel sorry for my daughter.

My uBPD left me a month ago. She is already in a new relationship. 90% positive it's who she was talking to behind my back. I saw him the other day. Out and about in sweat pants and a filthy hoodie. Beer gut and trashy looking. Mutual friends told me he's a high school drop out. I make great money. Have my own place, fancied by girls, etc. She actually texted me last night just to tell me how much of an upgrade he was from me. Probably telling me that because she knows I'm laughing at her. anyway... good riddance. She deserves someone who looks as bad as she is on the inside.

[peiper]

After a break up it's very common for people to have a rebound relationship.

I get it, it's an effort to fill an emotional void left in the wake of any long term relationship. 

But the same week of the breakup, with the first person that shows you attention and saying I love you immediately should raise warning flags for both individuals.

Most rebounds don't last long but pwBPD they seem to form an immediate emotional attachment that actually feels like love when in all actuality it's co-dependency.

As result it takes month or even years for the trouble to start.

Unfortunately my replacement is a door mat that will say and do anything to keep her happy which will prolong the relationship.

I was kind of hoping she would find a typical self centered who wasn't in touch with her needs and she would dump him and appreciate how good a guy I was. 

Why do you care?

[mrshambles]

Ah. That was the same for me. A week out and she already found "the total package" and we are done forever. Lol. We share a spotify account until I can get my own. I go to hop on it tonight, me being a night owl she is never on, and she is on it. I instantly get a text telling me I am messing up get music and she had "peeps to talk to" and she would done shortly. I thought "What about mr total package?".Thats the difference between us and them. They may have "mr total package, or us, or whomever for an undisclosed period, but they will always have "peeps to talk to". They can't help it. They need the extra attention/back up plans. What do you think is more sad: the pain you feel from the loss of them romantically, or the fact that you know they will continue this same pattern for the rest of their lives? There are days I miss her... .but mostly, I pity her.

[parisian]

I realise this might sound odd, I was the one that broke it off, and quietly look forward to the day the exBPDgf has a replacement. I really want to see that. Perhaps I'm kidding myself in that she already does and I just don't know it although we are still keeping in touch sort-of, and catching very occasionally, so I think no replacement, just yet anyway.

She's high-functioning, in a pretty good financial position - earns good money, has two houses and vacations overseas and locally, alot. She buys pretty much whatever she likes, dresses well, and always expects to share costs - even when dining out. We took an overseas vacation together and it was equal shares. It was easy because we are both in similar financial positions. I think she has co-morbidity with some NPD traits also - so she expects to hang out with people who look pretty sharp and she's always very critical of lots of people.

She's going to have fun trying to find someone who can keep up with that. Or else whoever the replacement is, is going to financially wreck themselves trying to keep up or won't, and she will get bored and tired with that real quick. I do feel sorry for whoever the replacement is going to be.

I have really wide community networks - she doesn't - I know it pains her greatly to meet new people when she isn't with her group of enablers. When she is with that group, she tends to be Ms super social however they generally don't hang around the sort of place where she'll easily find replacement supply.

I predict a move to a different city, or otherwise lots of one night stands with unavailables, or else a LD relationship.

I hope this doens't sound too egotistical. I think we all like to think that whoever replaces us will never match up to what we offered. Maybe they will, and maybe they won't, but I will certainly be putting my feet up, opening a beer, and sitting back to watch the show. 

[antelope]

Perhaps all those assets are why she believes it didn't work so she found someone who didn't make her feel as insecure about herself that she felt she could more easily stay in control with.

^^this is a VERY important point, because it highlights one of the most fundamental ideologies behind the BPD person: inferiority/persecution complex

it also lends to the awareness of their dysfunctional lives... .they know they are a mess, and they find those who are also in a mess with their current lives or on the precipice of it... .it forms the basis of codependency among both parties, and enables the BPD tremendously

[LuckyEscapee]

At first I was the rebound relationship, then he rebounded back to his ex. Predictable   

He quickly then somehow conned the ex into giving him money, which he then gave to me to pay my back what he owed me. It was a fraction, but I had already written it off. Getting the hell out of Dodge was far more valuable!

I truly pity that poor girl, and she now is engaged and has his child. I feel like I miraculously dodged a close range bullet to the head!

[fromheeltoheal]

The difference between a rebound and a replacement is a rebound is just that, someone to fill the emotional void after a breakup, it's communicated as such, and neither partner expects more than that if they're healthy.  Of course it may develop into something real and long-term, chances are slim since the rebounder didn't take time off to process the last one, but hey, I've done it, it served it's purpose, no one got hurt.

A replacement, on the other hand, is someone who replaces an attachment in borderline-speak, completes their 'self', makes them feel whole, completes a merger of psyches, becomes a soother for emotions unmanageable otherwise, which is why 'I love you' is spoken so quickly and with such conviction, since it's 100% true for the borderline.

So really, someone who can turn off to someone and on to someone else that quickly, who would want to be with that?  We would peeps, we did, and digging into why we got so emotionally enmeshed with someone with a mental illness and ignored all those red flags can be immensely growth-inducing.  Better to shift our focus to ourselves and what we can get out of those lessons, a little at a time and in stages I realize, and it hurts letting go of the hope that it would be different and work out, but what steps can we take right now to take a peek at the future, lessons learned?

[Deeno02]

The difference between a rebound and a replacement is a rebound is just that, someone to fill the emotional void after a breakup, it's communicated as such, and neither partner expects more than that if they're healthy.  Of course it may develop into something real and long-term, chances are slim since the rebounder didn't take time off to process the last one, but hey, I've done it, it served it's purpose, no one got hurt.

A replacement, on the other hand, is someone who replaces an attachment in borderline-speak, completes their 'self', makes them feel whole, completes a merger of psyches, becomes a soother for emotions unmanageable otherwise, which is why 'I love you' is spoken so quickly and with such conviction, since it's 100% true for the borderline.

So really, someone who can turn off to someone and on to someone else that quickly, who would want to be with that?  We would peeps, we did, and digging into why we got so emotionally enmeshed with someone with a mental illness and ignored all those red flags can be immensely growth-inducing.  Better to shift our focus to ourselves and what we can get out of those lessons, a little at a time and in stages I realize, and it hurts letting go of the hope that it would be different and work out, but what steps can we take right now to take a peek at the future, lessons learned?

It is indeed mind blowing with which the speed I was replaced. About a week. Weird. Your right, I dont want to be with that, but damn, that was so quick. Almost 4 months in for them. Not even sure they are still together, but shes needy and hes a dork looking guy so probably so. I really wonder if she realizes how much of a fool, they all look like fools, when literally your in her house hanging with her and her kids, next week?, the replacement is there... wow. SMH.

[peiper]

I was replaced while we were still married,  I just didn't know it. At first I was hurt and mad. Now I just thank the good Lord he's got her.

[Vatz]

At first I used to be angry at the dudes she cheated on me with. Now, I just think of them as regular dudes who fell for the same nonsense I did.

I know one guy totally idealized her, he'd had a crush on her since high school. He had this image of her in his head, and didn't know the reality of what it's like actually being with her. Strange as it may sound, I forgive him. I also forgive her. I don't want to know him, or her anymore but I don't need justice now. I just want me and mine, and since neither of them can do that for me then they just don't matter enough to exist as anything more than a memory.

Whoever is "replacing" me, isn't. I can't be replaced. Whoever I was "replacing" doesn't matter to me because I'm more than just something that filled her void that they left, in a real and objective sense I gave her more than that. Whether she feels that way is of no consequence to me anymore, it doesn't matter. She might try to contact me, but I don't want her now. I might want someone who looks similar, but someone ELSE. Someone who won't leave me with memories of anxiety, confusion and guilt. I won't have to look at the good memories and feel pain because in the end I was hurting too much to appreciate them to the fullest that I want to. I want someone else.

I used to want to see my "replacement" suffer, but now I'm beyond that. There is no justice and there need not be. For me, all that's left is me, and what potential future awaits.

Hopefully it'll be like the last girl I was with. Eventually, I'll only have a general idea of what she looked like, how things were, and what I liked or disliked. Just a set of facts and memories that don't hurt. Hopefully by then, I'll find someone I like to look at who likes what they're looking at too. Someone who appreciates all my strangeness and who delights in the things that set me apart from others.

As for her and where she ends up? Irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, better that I know nothing either way.

Sorry about the wall of text.

[Xidion]

At first I used to be angry at the dudes she cheated on me with. Now, I just think of them as regular dudes who fell for the same nonsense I did.

I know one guy totally idealized her, he'd had a crush on her since high school. He had this image of her in his head, and didn't know the reality of what it's like actually being with her. Strange as it may sound, I forgive him. I also forgive her. I don't want to know him, or her anymore but I don't need justice now. I just want me and mine, and since neither of them can do that for me then they just don't matter enough to exist as anything more than a memory.

Whoever is "replacing" me, isn't. I can't be replaced. Whoever I was "replacing" doesn't matter to me because I'm more than just something that filled her void that they left, in a real and objective sense I gave her more than that. Whether she feels that way is of no consequence to me anymore, it doesn't matter. She might try to contact me, but I don't want her now. I might want someone who looks similar, but someone ELSE. Someone who won't leave me with memories of anxiety, confusion and guilt. I won't have to look at the good memories and feel pain because in the end I was hurting too much to appreciate them to the fullest that I want to. I want someone else.

I used to want to see my "replacement" suffer, but now I'm beyond that. There is no justice and there need not be. For me, all that's left is me, and what potential future awaits.

Hopefully it'll be like the last girl I was with. Eventually, I'll only have a general idea of what she looked like, how things were, and what I liked or disliked. Just a set of facts and memories that don't hurt. Hopefully by then, I'll find someone I like to look at who likes what they're looking at too. Someone who appreciates all my strangeness and who delights in the things that set me apart from others.

As for her and where she ends up? Irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, better that I know nothing either way.

Sorry about the wall of text.

Very well said. That's where I want to get. The hurt she caused me in unlike anything I've ever experienced. I poured every ounce of love into this girl. REAL love. But to her I just a warm body that temporarily filled a void inside her empty soul. She didn't appreciate the little things that I did for her. The bills I paid for her. She devalued all of those things and left me for someone else. I pity this person because right now he thinks he has met the most amazing person in the world. Little does he know, he has met a soulless individual who is just going to use him and drain him emotionally like nothing he has ever been through. I hope 6 months from now she contacts me so I can completely ignore it. Chin up.

[Deeno02]

At first I used to be angry at the dudes she cheated on me with. Now, I just think of them as regular dudes who fell for the same nonsense I did.

I know one guy totally idealized her, he'd had a crush on her since high school. He had this image of her in his head, and didn't know the reality of what it's like actually being with her. Strange as it may sound, I forgive him. I also forgive her. I don't want to know him, or her anymore but I don't need justice now. I just want me and mine, and since neither of them can do that for me then they just don't matter enough to exist as anything more than a memory.

Whoever is "replacing" me, isn't. I can't be replaced. Whoever I was "replacing" doesn't matter to me because I'm more than just something that filled her void that they left, in a real and objective sense I gave her more than that. Whether she feels that way is of no consequence to me anymore, it doesn't matter. She might try to contact me, but I don't want her now. I might want someone who looks similar, but someone ELSE. Someone who won't leave me with memories of anxiety, confusion and guilt. I won't have to look at the good memories and feel pain because in the end I was hurting too much to appreciate them to the fullest that I want to. I want someone else.

I used to want to see my "replacement" suffer, but now I'm beyond that. There is no justice and there need not be. For me, all that's left is me, and what potential future awaits.

Hopefully it'll be like the last girl I was with. Eventually, I'll only have a general idea of what she looked like, how things were, and what I liked or disliked. Just a set of facts and memories that don't hurt. Hopefully by then, I'll find someone I like to look at who likes what they're looking at too. Someone who appreciates all my strangeness and who delights in the things that set me apart from others.

As for her and where she ends up? Irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, better that I know nothing either way.

Sorry about the wall of text.

Well said. I dont much care what she does or who she is with anymore. The repalcement was probably duped as well with the war chant of I had a bad marriage and my last boyfriend was so bad to me... blah, blah, blah. Just like I fell for it. She may reach out again, as we havent spoken or seen each other in almost 4 months(Thank God), but we do have Volleyball season coming up in march time frame and I look nothing like I did 4 months ago. Ive been working with my T in preparation for such an event, but as you said Vatz, she's irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. I will treat her as she treats me. If shes professional, so will I. If she acts like an ass, I will remain professional but discuss her conduct with the Athletic Director. I will not engage in her crazy making.

[Earthbayne]

Maybe I'm in the minority here... .as much as I "hate" the idea that she probably already got naked with some other dude, I'm also secretly hoping that maybe this new guy is the guy that gets her to stick around for much, much, much longer... .because if not, the eventual painting white is going to happen, and I want none of it.