Actually heard back from my ex when I reached out for closure

[Cielo]

Hi everyone and thank you for your support.  I emailed my ex in the desperate hope,to get some closure on our relationship.  She took 4 days, but finally responded.  She wasn't blaming me or making me feel like it was all her fault, but what she did say is this:

-she thinks I am a great guy and she really wanted it to work for me, so much so she was trying to talk herself into it

-she thought because I was so sure and she wasn't, that maybe it was because she was missing something or too damaged to see it

-there were times she thought this wasn't the relationship for her and sometimes she thought it could work

-she thought our trip was magical (she got caught up in the fantasy) and she wanted us to be magical, but after I left she realized her feelings weren't as strong as mine and she wouldn't catch up to me.

I don't know yet how I feel about this.  She sounds like she was hot/cold on us and conflicted the whole time.  She said things on our trip that you don't take back a week later, it's just not normal.  I know I have to move on.

What do you guys think?

[Mutt]

Hi Cielo,

I see black and white thinking. A pwBPD have difficulties seeing the gray areas in life or people. The person will undervalue or overvalue.

I think you are downplaying her idealization with saying she got caught up in the fantasy. Words like "magical" is overvaluing and telegraphs  a  .

She wasn't blaming ( devaluating ) because she sees you all white. Another way of articulating is "hot / cold" behavior.


Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD and this cycle can change rapidly. What she says now will likely change based on her feelings. Is she making you feel confused?

[Cielo]

Hi Cielo,

I see black and white thinking. A pwBPD have difficulties seeing the gray areas in life or people. The person will undervalue or overvalue.

I think you are downplaying her idealization with saying she got caught up in the fantasy. Words like "magical" is overvaluing and telegraphs  a  .

She wasn't blaming ( devaluating ) because she sees you all white. Another way of articulating is "hot / cold" behavior.


Feelings are quicksilver to a pwBPD and this cycle can change rapidly. What she says now will likely change based on her feelings. Is she making you feel confused?

Hi Mutt, thank you for your input and response.  Based on my research and your stories, I believe she is high functioning, if at all. I'm just confused as to whether she is BPD.  I think you bring up a couple of good points regarding the red flags, I didn't see them as idealizing. 

[fromheeltoheal]

-she thinks I am a great guy and she really wanted it to work for me, so much so she was trying to talk herself into it

Oh how gracious of her.  She's disowning responsibility and devaluing you at the same time by saying she just isn't into you and there's nothing she can do about that, because you're a great guy but you're just not good enough for her.

-she thought because I was so sure and she wasn't, that maybe it was because she was missing something or too damaged to see it

A little self-awareness there, although why didn't she express that when you were in it?

-there were times she thought this wasn't the relationship for her and sometimes she thought it could work

Unstable sense of self, as who she thinks she is changes, her perception of the relationship changes with it.

-she thought our trip was magical (she got caught up in the fantasy) and she wanted us to be magical, but after I left she realized her feelings weren't as strong as mine and she wouldn't catch up to me.

Lack of object constancy, out of site out of mind, when you're not physically with her she has a very difficult time connecting with who you are and what it feels like to be in a relationship with you, so in a sense the relationship doesn't exist when you're not with her.

All traits of the disorder and she really doesn't have a choice, so the only choice is whether or not we want to put up with it.

[Mutt]

All traits of the disorder and she really doesn't have a choice, so the only choice is whether or not we want to put up with it.

fromheeltoheal is right Cielo.

All behaviors you may not see clearly now. A choice is to detach and see things as they are.

[Cielo]

-she thinks I am a great guy and she really wanted it to work for me, so much so she was trying to talk herself into it

Oh how gracious of her.  She's disowning responsibility and devaluing you at the same time by saying she just isn't into you and there's nothing she can do about that, because you're a great guy but you're just not good enough for her.

-she thought because I was so sure and she wasn't, that maybe it was because she was missing something or too damaged to see it

A little self-awareness there, although why didn't she express that when you were in it?

-there were times she thought this wasn't the relationship for her and sometimes she thought it could work

Unstable sense of self, as who she thinks she is changes, her perception of the relationship changes with it.

-she thought our trip was magical (she got caught up in the fantasy) and she wanted us to be magical, but after I left she realized her feelings weren't as strong as mine and she wouldn't catch up to me.

Lack of object constancy, out of site out of mind, when you're not physically with her she has a very difficult time connecting with who you are and what it feels like to be in a relationship with you, so in a sense the relationship doesn't exist when you're not with her.

All traits of the disorder and she really doesn't have a choice, so the only choice is whether or not we want to put up with it.

Wow, great break down and analysis from heeltoheal.   Thank you very much for that.  Truly helps. 

[hope2727]

Yes great breakdown. I heard so many of those same lines in my relationship. Things like... ."I love you but I don't know if I love you enough. I am not far enough ahead on this journey and I am always trying to catch up. You are so sure and I am not so maybe its not real."

This breakdown really helped me to understand better.

Thank you

[evilpepsi]

Yes great breakdown. I heard so many of those same lines in my relationship. Things like... ."I love you but I don't know if I love you enough. I am not far enough ahead on this journey and I am always trying to catch up. You are so sure and I am not so maybe its not real."

This breakdown really helped me to understand better.

Thank you

Mine was the direct opposite. She used to tell me that she loved me more than I loved her. When I had to work a night shift she used to stay up late texting me because she hated me not being in the bed next to her. If I was lying on the couch watching tv while she was asleep she would get up and come get me.

There was this constant need for closeness. I have had long conversations with her daughter who told me that I'm the only one that she has ever seen that could make her mom laugh and would hold her hand.

The other exBPD in my life and I are thinking that because there was such chaos and violence in her past relationships that she couldn't handle being in a healthy and loving one.