An old letter from my exBPD's mind. Worth reading.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I found a letter that my exBPD wrote me a long time ago to express her feelings. This letter alone may prove she has BPD. Looking back, this is really the only time she expressed her feelings to me. Here is the letter:

"So basically I feel immature when I do not speak my feelings for you. So in order for me to accomplish this obstacle I will write it for you. Don't critique my grammar! For starters, I really know who I am, I know what I want out of life and what I need to do to achieve it. Every morning I wake up, I envision my future. All I want is to have a close family, an amazing husband, and to experience all life has to offer. I grew up in a family that was shattered. I never once was shown the love/affection needed at a young age. Yes, it proves who I am because of it, but I want life to be a happy ending just like my grandparents and the princess movies. Yeah, they might not be realistic, but I want my future to follow close to its path. They are my idols, but nowadays people just want money and sex. I know that doesn't relate to the feelings I have about you... .but I am getting there. I have never known how to express my emotions or feelings; only by writing. Actually, my darkest days I write because I feel it's the only way. Please give me patience, if not then maybe it's not meant to be. I love everything about you. The way you act, your passion towards something, you are so smart (and some of the fools I have dated lacked in the department). I love how you do not judge me. I am who I am and you can take it or leave it. When I said I crave you, that's the truth. You are on my mind 24/7 (I'm not just saying that) I want a future with you, it's just I get scared at times. That is normal because of what I have gone through. Nothing else matters but you. It is crazy how fast it has been but always remember that I am new to this and with my shyness, I struggle to say the words. If you ever need reassurance, I hope I show it to you. I want to enjoy this time with you and learn. Most of all you have given me hope; a reason to enjoy life. I'm coming from the bottom to the top (about being happy) and if you are wanting to be an "us"  I want you to understand this area of my life is new. Do you accept my weakness for all that it is and to give me time? I feel I have improved some but it has only been 2 months. I'm gonna write more but I will give it to you later. I love you Sir!"


Looking back... this is very interesting to me. This was obviously during her idealization stage with me. It was hard reading it and typing it out as my wounds are still fresh. But I really wanted to share this with you guys so you can analyze it from the perspective of an uBPD.

[Xidion]

I found a letter that my exBPD wrote me a long time ago to express her feelings. This letter alone may prove she has BPD. Looking back, this is really the only time she expressed her feelings to me. Here is the letter:

"So basically I feel immature when I do not speak my feelings for you. So in order for me to accomplish this obstacle I will write it for you. Don't critique my grammar! For starters, I really know who I am, I know what I want out of life and what I need to do to achieve it. Every morning I wake up, I envision my future. All I want is to have a close family, an amazing husband, and to experience all life has to offer. I grew up in a family that was shattered. I never once was shown the love/affection needed at a young age. Yes, it proves who I am because of it, but I want life to be a happy ending just like my grandparents and the princess movies. Yeah, they might not be realistic, but I want my future to follow close to its path. They are my idols, but nowadays people just want money and sex. I know that doesn't relate to the feelings I have about you... .but I am getting there. I have never known how to express my emotions or feelings; only by writing. Actually, my darkest days I write because I feel it's the only way. Please give me patience, if not then maybe it's not meant to be. I love everything about you. The way you act, your passion towards something, you are so smart (and some of the fools I have dated lacked in the department). I love how you do not judge me. I am who I am and you can take it or leave it. When I said I crave you, that's the truth. You are on my mind 24/7 (I'm not just saying that) I want a future with you, it's just I get scared at times. That is normal because of what I have gone through. Nothing else matters but you. It is crazy how fast it has been but always remember that I am new to this and with my shyness, I struggle to say the words. If you ever need reassurance, I hope I show it to you. I want to enjoy this time with you and learn. Most of all you have given me hope; a reason to enjoy life. I'm coming from the bottom to the top (about being happy) and if you are wanting to be an "us"  I want you to understand this area of my life is new. Do you accept my weakness for all that it is and to give me time? I feel I have improved some but it has only been 2 months. I'm gonna write more but I will give it to you later. I love you Sir!"


Looking back... this is very interesting to me. This was obviously during her idealization stage with me. It was hard reading it and typing it out as my wounds are still fresh. But I really wanted to share this with you guys so you can analyze it from the perspective of an uBPD.

[Faith1520]

Thanks for sharing, Xidion. I know it can be painful re-reading something like that. Oh, the emails and texts I could share of what my ex would tell me... .Unlike yours, mine was very open with his feelings for me... .And he was so good with words.

It's always interesting looking back on things like this. That's sad that's the only time she expressed to you her feelings. Crazy how we can see so much more now than we were able to at the time when we're in love and in the FOG.

For starters, I really know who I am, I know what I want out of life and what I need to do to achieve it. Every morning I wake up, I envision my future. All I want is to have a close family, an amazing husband, and to experience all life has to offer.

That sounds familiar. I'm sure it is what they want. Maybe even more desperately than the average person. It's sad that they ruin that for themselves.

Also familiar is the part about accepting her weaknesses. At the beginning he would tell me that he wasn't perfect but he was trying and he would get better in time. After awhile it changed to that he would get somewhat better but would probably always have some issues and I should love him for who he is. (During arguments he would say that I only love him conditionally). In the end it was that this is who he is and I can take it or leave it. He also loved to say to me, "if you don't like it, there's the door." All the while, on a good day he would tell me that he appreciated the fact that I didn't accept him treating me poorly (even though I obviously did) and said that one was one of the things he loved about me and it made him want to be a better person... .I think he was in and out of denial. It was such a mind game.

[Xidion]

Bumping this ♤♤

[apollotech]

Wow, your letter triggers some memories. It could easily have been written to me by my uBPDexgf, very easily. Is there a school for these people where they ALL learn to say the same basic load of bull to whomever is unlucky enough to fall into their orbit? The more stories that I read on these boards from various people, the more that I believe that BPDs all spout basically the same crap. Those parts of your letter about you must have "patience" with her as all of this is "new" to her, I heard over and over again. The "scared" line I really like. Boy, did I hear that one a lot. Of course, I would have been scared too if I would have been driving the train wreck that she was driving in her head. Be glad that you didn't make any hard commitments with this woman and that she's gone. I know that giving her up is difficult. I too am rowing that boat myself, and the sea seems endless with me adrift upon it. But have faith, you, we, will find a safe harbor with sound anchorage. It is sad that for people suffering from BPD, their endless labor at sea shall never cease. God bless and take care!