Making Contact

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm in a bit of dilemma in the fact that my partner and I live quite a distant apart and she is currently going through a bit of distancing and dysregulation. I have been texting her just a couple of times a day, to ask how she is and left it at that. Her responses have been short but she has at least been responding. Today, I took a time out for myself, believing a bit of distance might help me to focus but then I find myself worrying about her and how she is. Because of previous reactions when I haven't answered the phone quick enough or text back in a reasonable amount of time it does play on my mind.

What I would would like to know is firstly, am I doing the right thing? I can't help feel guilty that I'm witholding texts when I do just want to text her. Likewise, I don't want her thinking I don't care.

Secondly, what is a reasonable amount of time to leave things before I text? Should I text her daily or will that feed into the dark place she is right now? Finally, if I do text, what is the best thing to say to her that isn't going to create a reaction, come across as too needy and (if anything) offer her some reassurance that I'm still here for her?

RH

[Ripped Heart]

I'm in a bit of dilemma in the fact that my partner and I live quite a distant apart and she is currently going through a bit of distancing and dysregulation. I have been texting her just a couple of times a day, to ask how she is and left it at that. Her responses have been short but she has at least been responding. Today, I took a time out for myself, believing a bit of distance might help me to focus but then I find myself worrying about her and how she is. Because of previous reactions when I haven't answered the phone quick enough or text back in a reasonable amount of time it does play on my mind.

What I would would like to know is firstly, am I doing the right thing? I can't help feel guilty that I'm witholding texts when I do just want to text her. Likewise, I don't want her thinking I don't care.

Secondly, what is a reasonable amount of time to leave things before I text? Should I text her daily or will that feed into the dark place she is right now? Finally, if I do text, what is the best thing to say to her that isn't going to create a reaction, come across as too needy and (if anything) offer her some reassurance that I'm still here for her?

RH

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ripped Heart]

So decided to text tonight. Left it plain and simple.

"Hope you are ok, miss you lots and remember I'm always here if you want to talk xx"

Got a response back a minute later "Thank you x"

I think that covers all bases. I've let her know I'm there for her and put the ball back in her court. Is this enough for now?

RH

[123Phoebe]

So decided to text tonight. Left it plain and simple.

"Hope you are ok, miss you lots and remember I'm always here if you want to talk xx"

Got a response back a minute later "Thank you x"

I think that covers all bases. I've let her know I'm there for her and put the ball back in her court. Is this enough for now?

RH

Yep, that's enough for now

Got any plans for the night?  A movie you'd like to see, article you've been meaning to read, cookies you want to start baking? 

Live your life

[Ripped Heart]

Many thanks for the response Phoebe 

Rejoined the gym today and went there this evening.

Watched a movie when I got back but to be honest my mind was all over the place so didn't get in to it.

Session with Therapist on Wednesday followed by session with Personal Trainer.

Not much more I can think of doing tonight, might watch some mindless TV and go to bed early

[123Phoebe]

Many thanks for the response Phoebe 

Rejoined the gym today and went there this evening.

Watched a movie when I got back but to be honest my mind was all over the place so didn't get in to it.

Session with Therapist on Wednesday followed by session with Personal Trainer.

Not much more I can think of doing tonight, might watch some mindless TV and go to bed early

Yay, for rejoining the gym!  I know what you mean about your mind being all over the place, have experienced it plenty of times.  Mindless TV and early bedtime sounds like a plan.  I might do the same, a long work week lies ahead... .  gotta rest up.

Enjoy your night!

[Ripped Heart]

Didn't quite get to bed, got a phone call instead.

This is where the confusion comes in because it was perfectly normal. As though nothing has gone off this week, which is great but as I say just adds to the confusion. She talked about the plans we have for next week, how her day was at work and what the rest of her week is like.

Part of me wants to be angry because there is no acknowledgement to the hurt caused over this episode, then part of me is relieved because there is a sense of normality and planning. Likewise, I don't bring up or push any of the issues because I don't want to set her off again. It's a very difficult balance right now, I'm just thankful for the therapy.

[formflier]

Part of me wants to be angry because there is no acknowledgement to the hurt caused over this episode

Remember... .BPD traits are about what they are feeling "right now."... most likely since the last "blowup" is over... .those feelings are ancient history.

You should move along as well.  Try to learn how to deflect the next blowup

[hope2727]

It's that lack of accountability that Kills me.  We have to be accountable for everything we do and even things we don't do but out person with BPD feels we haw done. They on the other hand get a pass no matter how horrible the behavior.

Sigh. Hard to take.

[ColdEthyl]

It's that lack of accountability that Kills me.  We have to be accountable for everything we do and even things we don't do but out person with BPD feels we haw done. They on the other hand get a pass no matter how horrible the behavior.

Sigh. Hard to take.

That's not exactly true. If you think about how they feel about themselves, and how much they agonize over the smallest things, I would say they pay. They suffer. Their behavior causes us to put up boundaries, causes us... .at times... .to play on their fears of abandonment to corral their behaviors.

Personally, I much rather be the person I am, sitting on this side of table than his.

[Ripped Heart]

Funny you should mention that Hope, saw my T today and she highlighted that being one of my biggest issues. Something we will work through next week.

I take responsibility not only for my own actions but also the actions of others. I take responsibility for things that I have no involvement at all and today we looked at some of the reasons why.

Firstly, I would much rather keep the peace and avoid any kind of conflict and secondly (more or a selfish reason) I carry a lot of guilt around so take responsibility to alleviate my own feelings. Therapist said today that she believes gf is almost certainly BPD but without a diagnosis can't say for certain.

It sets me up for unhealthy relationships, especially with pwBPD because they project and I accept. I'm a vessel for abuse and because I've been that way for so long, I've got used to it over the years so it doesn't affect me when it's happening but it leads to devastating results which do and how I found myself here.

Cold - You do have a point, the turmoil going on inside their head is testament to the fact it affects them in some way. However, when that pain gets too intense, they project it and I think that's what Hope is referring to in terms of no accountability. They have it to feel the way they do but offload it onto the other person when it gets too intense so ultimately, they don't own that accountability, just hold it for a while.

[ColdEthyl]

Funny you should mention that Hope, saw my T today and she highlighted that being one of my biggest issues. Something we will work through next week.

I take responsibility not only for my own actions but also the actions of others. I take responsibility for things that I have no involvement at all and today we looked at some of the reasons why.

Firstly, I would much rather keep the peace and avoid any kind of conflict and secondly (more or a selfish reason) I carry a lot of guilt around so take responsibility to alleviate my own feelings. Therapist said today that she believes gf is almost certainly BPD but without a diagnosis can't say for certain.

It sets me up for unhealthy relationships, especially with pwBPD because they project and I accept. I'm a vessel for abuse and because I've been that way for so long, I've got used to it over the years so it doesn't affect me when it's happening but it leads to devastating results which do and how I found myself here.

Cold - You do have a point, the turmoil going on inside their head is testament to the fact it affects them in some way. However, when that pain gets too intense, they project it and I think that's what Hope is referring to in terms of no accountability. They have it to feel the way they do but offload it onto the other person when it gets too intense so ultimately, they don't own that accountability, just hold it for a while.

Their brains do not allow them to hold any accountability IN THE MOMENT, but when when you walk around hating yourself, second guessing every thought, every emotion, everything someone says to you because hey... .you are not good enough, that's a high price to pay. I'm not trying to justify anything a pwBPD does, but saying "they get a pass" is highly inaccurate... .perhaps I'm misinterpreting what Hope means. Hopefully they will clarify :D

Sometimes we get so wrapped up in how their behaviors and verbal communication makes US feel, we forget that we are talking about a person with a mental disorder, who cannot regulate their own emotions. They swim in feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, lack of self-worth, and those are the reasons they second guess us, they have to put blame on us, etc.

That's all I meant. It's a lot healthier for US to remember that and not to internalize their bile.

[Ripped Heart]

Cold, again, I completely agree with your assessment and in terms of a pass, I would agree too that although we may feel anger towards their actions, it cannot be easy for them. It's not something they asked for so in that sense, it is just as difficult for them if not moreso.

Where I struggle with this is 2 types of pwBPD. One who isn't self aware and doesn't understand what is going on and the other who is self aware, admits they have mental health issues, admits they have feelings they can't control but does nothing about it.

It's the ones who don't understand that I have more empathy towards. Perhaps in some senses, I might be unfair to judge others in my own shoes. For example, if I was being abusive towards someone and knew that was the case because I had mental health issues and had warned them beforehand, do I use that as an excuse? Can I turn around and tell someone I can't possibly be accountable because I already told them I had an issue? Sorry, I'm just thinking aloud and trying to get a little more perspective and understanding. Is there a difference between someone who doesn't know they have an illness acting out against someone who knows exactly but does so all the same?

I would probably think it a little different if someone said to me, I have an illness, I can't explain how I feel but I can get quite nasty at times or become distant. If that was to happen, could you please do x,y,z or that if things were starting to become disruptive, would look towards treatments or at least an understanding of their condition.

I also agree with your last comment about not internalising being the healthier option. However, I think most people do to try and get an understanding because when it erupts out of nowhere it's good to be informed and have that understanding so you can be supportive. It also depends on the comments being made because some of them can be extremely cutting and regardless of how much you try and hold that in, it will still cause some element of frustration and anger.

[formflier]

We have to be accountable for everything we do and even things we don't do but out person with BPD feels we haw done. 

Hope2727,

Can you explain this a bit more?  Want to make sure I understand before responding or asking anything else.

[ColdEthyl]

It's the ones who don't understand that I have more empathy towards. Perhaps in some senses, I might be unfair to judge others in my own shoes. For example, if I was being abusive towards someone and knew that was the case because I had mental health issues and had warned them beforehand, do I use that as an excuse? Can I turn around and tell someone I can't possibly be accountable because I already told them I had an issue? Sorry, I'm just thinking aloud and trying to get a little more perspective and understanding. Is there a difference between someone who doesn't know they have an illness acting out against someone who knows exactly but does so all the same?

My husband is dBPD and self aware. Do you think he came right out and told me oh hey... .I have BPD? nononono... .it did not go like that. At first he tried to explain his actions with depression. I did the research, came back to him with it, and he admitted that was his diagnosis. He didn't tell me because he didn't want me to think he's defective and useless. They CAN'T look imperfect. If they are not perfect, no one will want them. That's what they think, and that's their driving force. When he's dysregulating... .he's dysregulating. That's what that means. He isn't going to be rational and say "hey like umm... .if I do this like... .help out by saying this and I'll calm down." He isn't capable of being rational at that time. They are CHILDREN when it comes to emotions. They cannot process them correctly. They never will.

Everything you say sound reasonable, but it's not reasonable expectations for pwBPD. Look at this way: My son is Asperger's. He always will be. He can learn social cues, he can learn how he's supposed to act, but at the end of the day, he's not always going to read those cues right. He's not always going to catch himself before he says something that others perceived as rude. he can't. He can learn tools, he can try... .but he won't wake up one day and just *know*.

I also agree with your last comment about not internalising being the healthier option. However, I think most people do to try and get an understanding because when it erupts out of nowhere it's good to be informed and have that understanding so you can be supportive. It also depends on the comments being made because some of them can be extremely cutting and regardless of how much you try and hold that in, it will still cause some element of frustration and anger.

I think that's more our problem, and less theirs. WE choose to stay. We choose this relationship and what that's going to bring to the table. The tools on this site help us to communicate with our pwBPD in a more productive matter. At some point, for your own well being, you need figure out how to separate what they say when they are dysregulating from who they are. In a dysregulation moment, take your bad feeling and multiply it by 50. That's how they feel, and they are not capable of processing it. It boils over unto us. They lash out because like a pot boiling over... .all that poison needs to go somewhere. It's going to go on us and people they love. They are children throwing a fit. Have you ever heard a 3 year old yell at their mother that they hate them because she wouldn't buy them that candy bar at the grocery store? Do you think they really hate her, or just angry and don't know how to express it properly? pwBPD are the same, but they are adults so they have more words, and throw bigger fits.

[Ripped Heart]

Again, thank you so much for your response. I suppose depending on the individual we all have a different perspective in relation to the issues we face and it's always refreshing to be enlightened and gain another perspective. That's how we change ignorance into knowledge and understanding and your explanation as to your husband has definitely been enlightening as I have learned something new. So again, thank you very much for that, it is greatly appreciated.

As for your son having Aspergers, I sincerely wish him all the best. I was diagnosed at the age of 7 but it wasn't until I was much older that I sought out assistance. Growing up was all about observing others and watching how people interact but even then the rules change depending on the circumstances which is what I used to find difficult. Even now I still struggle from time to time but I'm aware. I think my previous comments relate more to myself and my situation as I used to hide it when I was younger and that caused problems of it's own. I found as I told people they were more tolerant if I got things wrong but didn't detract from the fact that if I acted out or said the wrong thing at the wrong time, that was my responsibility. Truth be told, I should have tried to make the comparison in that way because they are very different. As you have stipulated and I mentioned previously, you can learn all the social cues you want but there are always times when the rules change and you find yourself in no mans land. It is a lifetime of constant learning but it also very rewarding.

You are right too in that we choose to stay within this relationship, though it doesn't make it any less frustrating from time to time. It's more about learning to redirect that frustration elsewhere and taking a step back to process and understand that this is the disorder rather than the individual. Sometimes a little more difficult to do when you might have frustrations of your own from other things going on. I guess it's why they say about having the patience of a saint 

Again, thank you very much for your insight and allowing me to see a different perspective 

[ColdEthyl]

Again, thank you so much for your response. I suppose depending on the individual we all have a different perspective in relation to the issues we face and it's always refreshing to be enlightened and gain another perspective. That's how we change ignorance into knowledge and understanding and your explanation as to your husband has definitely been enlightening as I have learned something new. So again, thank you very much for that, it is greatly appreciated.

As for your son having Aspergers, I sincerely wish him all the best. I was diagnosed at the age of 7 but it wasn't until I was much older that I sought out assistance. Growing up was all about observing others and watching how people interact but even then the rules change depending on the circumstances which is what I used to find difficult. Even now I still struggle from time to time but I'm aware. I think my previous comments relate more to myself and my situation as I used to hide it when I was younger and that caused problems of it's own. I found as I told people they were more tolerant if I got things wrong but didn't detract from the fact that if I acted out or said the wrong thing at the wrong time, that was my responsibility. Truth be told, I should have tried to make the comparison in that way because they are very different. As you have stipulated and I mentioned previously, you can learn all the social cues you want but there are always times when the rules change and you find yourself in no mans land. It is a lifetime of constant learning but it also very rewarding.

You are right too in that we choose to stay within this relationship, though it doesn't make it any less frustrating from time to time. It's more about learning to redirect that frustration elsewhere and taking a step back to process and understand that this is the disorder rather than the individual. Sometimes a little more difficult to do when you might have frustrations of your own from other things going on. I guess it's why they say about having the patience of a saint 

Again, thank you very much for your insight and allowing me to see a different perspective 

I hope I didn't come off as brash, and thank you as well. I have enjoyed our discussion! I tend to be very blunt and honest, and sometimes that comes off as rude so I hope I did not do that. 

You are so right... .for all of us it's a continuous journey. I suppose my outlook comes from the fact that I have a lot of loved ones with mental illness (my brother is paranoid schizophrenic) , so I've had to tolerate, bend and learn along the way. I remember what it was like for me when my husband first started to dysregulate in front me... .I cried, I hurt, I was frustrated, I was confused, etc. I'm just trying to help for others to "compartmentalize" the disorder from the person... .like you said.

I love the fact that we have these boards so we can meet others who go through the same things as us (the similarities b/w pwBPD still take me by surprise some) and we can all learn from each other We all can learn different techniques that might help us in our relationships, or our recoveries, and we have a safe place we can talk about what we are going through. I love being able to post when I've had a bad BPD day and get a clear perspective from the folks here

Thank you so much for being one of those people! 

[Ripped Heart]

Cold, of course you didn't come across as brash 

As you probably know from your son, cold hard facts suits us much better as it's far easier to interpret and understand. It's why I was so close to my grandmother growing up because she would tell it as it was.

Likewise, I lean towards logic so for me, it's logical that if someone knows they have a problem they either do something about it or they don't. I don't necessarily grasp the emotional aspect behind it which is why I found your posts enlightening as it filled in the gap I was missing. Hence why I asked the questions. I found it very difficult in the beginning of the relationship to understand where the emotions were coming from because they didn't tie in to the situation.

Instead I would offer a logical solution to an emotional response therefore invalidating her feelings. Part of my learning now has been around emotions and trying to understand how she feels in certain circumstances and the best approach to help support her and make her feel safe and secure as much as I possibly can given the circumstances.

It has also been a 2 way street, in that my r/s with my partner has taught me about intimacy and actually being able to hold someone. It's difficult to imagine but I can probably count on both hands how many times I've hugged my own mother because I often struggle with close contact with anyone. So there is something I'm grateful for within this kind of relationship because it's given me the ability to learn and understand too which is another reason I want to repay that favour to say thank you to my partner for helping me to improve as an individual.

Thank you again too for also being one of those people and offering me a different perspective on things 

[bobcat2014]

It's that lack of accountability that Kills me.  We have to be accountable for everything we do and even things we don't do but out person with BPD feels we haw done. They on the other hand get a pass no matter how horrible the behavior.

Sigh. Hard to take.

Spot on.

I get that so well.

[hope2727]

We have to be accountable for everything we do and even things we don't do but out person with BPD feels we haw done. 

Hope2727,

Can you explain this a bit more?  Want to make sure I understand before responding or asking anything else.

I love this board because we can all bring different positions to the board and bounce ideas off one another without judgement. So I;ll try to explain. Pls let me preface with this has been a super tough day for me on several levels so perhaps my feeling are coloured by that a bit.  

What I mean is that in my case. My pwBPD (ex fiancee) does/did some pretty terrible things. He cheated, triangulated, flirted with other women and then rubbed my nose in it, stomped happily over my boundaries, raged, threatened, abused and then stalked and finally is currently enjoying a massive smear campaign.  I am NOT perfect or blameless. I did not know he was BPD or what the heck was going on. I was thinking bipolar. Anyway I digress. HE is currently projecting all his bad acts onto me. According to him I cheated, flirted, triangulated, abused, lied, manipulated, blah blah blah.

I have apologized for things I did and sometimes even didn't do just to get him off my case. We are several months NC now and he is with his replacement telling people how he dodged a bullet by leaving me. I have taken responsibility for many thing in this relationship. Things I did. Things I didn't do. He is a master of gas lighting so sometimes I apologized for things he claimed I did that I didn't remember doing because I didn't actually do them.

I am in therapy with a BPD specialist who tells me I am typical of someone who has experienced this kind of relationship. Meanwhile the expwBPD is off merrily having a grand time with the replacement. I am sitting crying and missing him wishing he could have just been honest and we could have walked this journey to recovery hand in hand. I am trying to recover financially, emotionally, physically and he is off making christmas vacation plans and bragging to MY friends (who are now his friends) about how much better off he is.

Yup its been a really tough day. Sorry folks I'll sush now.

I do realize he suffers. I know he hurts like a raw open oozing emotional wound. I wish he could find some peace. But he is high functioning and used to being seen as the victim so he is off lying  to everyone including his new psychologist. Rather than feeling his shame and dealing with it he rewires his memory to make me the perpetrator of his crimes and therefore I pay for them.

Ok seriously I will be quiet now. Sorry having a rough day, week, month, year. Whatever. I'll deal with it.

[formflier]

 

hope2727,

Sorry that you are having a tough day... .my challenge to you... .is to do a couple nice things "just for you" today.

Walk... .ice cream... .just do it... .enjoy it.  You deserve it.


Please come back and tell us about what you did!     I can't wait to hear about it.

[ColdEthyl]

We have to be accountable for everything we do and even things we don't do but out person with BPD feels we haw done. 

Hope2727,

Can you explain this a bit more?  Want to make sure I understand before responding or asking anything else.

I love this board because we can all bring different positions to the board and bounce ideas off one another without judgement. So I;ll try to explain. Pls let me preface with this has been a super tough day for me on several levels so perhaps my feeling are coloured by that a bit.  

What I mean is that in my case. My pwBPD (ex fiancee) does/did some pretty terrible things. He cheated, triangulated, flirted with other women and then rubbed my nose in it, stomped happily over my boundaries, raged, threatened, abused and then stalked and finally is currently enjoying a massive smear campaign.  I am NOT perfect or blameless. I did not know he was BPD or what the heck was going on. I was thinking bipolar. Anyway I digress. HE is currently projecting all his bad acts onto me. According to him I cheated, flirted, triangulated, abused, lied, manipulated, blah blah blah.

I have apologized for things I did and sometimes even didn't do just to get him off my case. We are several months NC now and he is with his replacement telling people how he dodged a bullet by leaving me. I have taken responsibility for many thing in this relationship. Things I did. Things I didn't do. He is a master of gas lighting so sometimes I apologized for things he claimed I did that I didn't remember doing because I didn't actually do them.

I am in therapy with a BPD specialist who tells me I am typical of someone who has experienced this kind of relationship. Meanwhile the expwBPD is off merrily having a grand time with the replacement. I am sitting crying and missing him wishing he could have just been honest and we could have walked this journey to recovery hand in hand. I am trying to recover financially, emotionally, physically and he is off making christmas vacation plans and bragging to MY friends (who are now his friends) about how much better off he is.

Yup its been a really tough day. Sorry folks I'll sush now.

I do realize he suffers. I know he hurts like a raw open oozing emotional wound. I wish he could find some peace. But he is high functioning and used to being seen as the victim so he is off lying  to everyone including his new psychologist. Rather than feeling his shame and dealing with it he rewires his memory to make me the perpetrator of his crimes and therefore I pay for them.

Ok seriously I will be quiet now. Sorry having a rough day, week, month, year. Whatever. I'll deal with it.

I understand EXACTLY how you feel, and I seriously hope I did not do anything to make YOUR feelings invalidated. That was not my intent. The first year I was with my dBPDh he flipped flopped between me and his ex several times. When he was with me, he painted her black. With her... .I was painted black. I didn't know what was going on at the time. I drank a lot, kept thinking I must have done something wrong, how could I have been so stupid... .why would anyone love me, especially someone like him, etc etc.

All the stupid drama you can think of in a love triangle. He was supposed be home by a certain time and he wasn't, I went to her house and his truck was there. I went up to the door and started a fight with him and her right there in the front lawn. Not my proudest moment... .I was just so hurt and confused. He said he was using me, he never loved me, leave him alone. He took my glasses off my face and threw them in the yard, and said he hopes I crash on the way home and die. I was useless. He pushed me... .told me to get out of here. I'm really blind without my glasses, and I was on the ground on my hands and knees... .trying to feel for them, crying, embarrassed.

He wanted to come back 3 weeks after that. Permanently. Me and his ex were communicating at the time, because we both knew we were being played here. When I told her he asked to meet with me at the bar, she took his keys and locked him out. That night when he realized what she did, he busted the door open, trashed her house broke her stuff, wrote nasty things on her walls, etc.

During that 3 week period when I was on my own, I spent my time researching. I saw patterns in his behavior, and I already knew he had some sort of mental issue, I just wasn't sure what. When I found this site... .everything fit together.

For him to come back, he had to agree to therapy. He had to agree to medication. Boundaries started to be put up.

5 years later, we are in a different place than we were then. He's in a different place. No violence for years, the verbal abuse is under control. His rages are lessening.

I know exactly what they can do and who they can be.

[ColdEthyl]

Cold, of course you didn't come across as brash 

As you probably know from your son, cold hard facts suits us much better as it's far easier to interpret and understand. It's why I was so close to my grandmother growing up because she would tell it as it was.

Likewise, I lean towards logic so for me, it's logical that if someone knows they have a problem they either do something about it or they don't. I don't necessarily grasp the emotional aspect behind it which is why I found your posts enlightening as it filled in the gap I was missing. Hence why I asked the questions. I found it very difficult in the beginning of the relationship to understand where the emotions were coming from because they didn't tie in to the situation.

Instead I would offer a logical solution to an emotional response therefore invalidating her feelings. Part of my learning now has been around emotions and trying to understand how she feels in certain circumstances and the best approach to help support her and make her feel safe and secure as much as I possibly can given the circumstances.

It has also been a 2 way street, in that my r/s with my partner has taught me about intimacy and actually being able to hold someone. It's difficult to imagine but I can probably count on both hands how many times I've hugged my own mother because I often struggle with close contact with anyone. So there is something I'm grateful for within this kind of relationship because it's given me the ability to learn and understand too which is another reason I want to repay that favour to say thank you to my partner for helping me to improve as an individual.

Thank you again too for also being one of those people and offering me a different perspective on things 

RippedHeart, I identify with my son's line of thinking more than "normal" thinking. I am still a black/white logical thinker, but psychology is sort of my wheelhouse. I love it, I love understanding it, following the patterns and the clues in people's behaviors. I love answering the question "why".

Perhaps us socially awkward/introverts are more compatible with the pwBPD psyche, or they are drawn to us BECAUSE we are isolated. I am not sure. But I have noticed a pattern of; as it appears to me; people with high IQ/social introvert/analytical thinkers in BPD relationships than others.

The realm of emotion most of the time is illogical even for "norms", and 100 times so for pwBPD. It makes no sense to me that husband whines about how tired he is this morning when he knew he had to get up early, yet was up to 4am reading news articles. But alas, that's what he will do. He will do that because his brain is hardwired to be self-centered, so any discomfort needs to be voiced. Since I know that, I sympathize and move on. Before, I used to point these things out, only to bring my hand back with nothing left but a bloody nub rofl

It will take some time to learn how their brains work... .it's so very very foreign to you to think that way.

[hope2727]

Cold ethyl

Wow what an experience. I am amazed. So am I to understand you are still with your pwBPD? If so how is it going? Can you tell me more about how things have improved?

Formflier

Thank you. Its been a horrible few years on so many levels. More than I can even begging to explain. I do try to remember self care. I do try to breathe and live in the moment. Sometime however just surviving the day is almost all I can manage.

To whomever was concerned they were invalidating (sorry can't remember the name at the moment). Not to worry. I appreciate all the insights of the members of this forum. I have a pretty strong sense of self thank god and validate myself nicely on a regular basis. :-) Iwish I could have understood this disorder and that my ex had it before our last big blow out but i didn't and thats unfortunate. However I really believe we are all where sea re supposed to be on this journey and I am trying to be patient and see what is in store for me next. Hopefully some sleep as I have to be up before 6 again and got next to no sleep last night.



Nothing like trying to be cheerful with no sleep on board. But tomorrow is another day and has the potential to bring many wonderful things.  I hope you all have a great night and fabulous Friday. Hugs everyone.

Oh as for my ex. I just wish there was some accountability for the damage and hurt they have caused. But whatever. Sometimes we don't get what we wish for. I can live with it either way. Hopefully he will have a good Friday too wherever he is.

[formflier]

  Sometime however just surviving the day is almost all I can manage.

And on those days you should be commended for making it through the day!   

The challenge I will continue to lay out there for you... .is to think of  something that you enjoy... .but maybe haven't done in a while.  Schedule time to go do it... .enjoy it... .remember it... .and then go do it again.

Come back here and tell me all about it.

2nd challenge... .go try something you have never done before... .even if you end up not wanting to do it again... .we still want to hear about it.

Ears wide open!    

Hope you have a good weekend

[ColdEthyl]

Cold ethyl

Wow what an experience. I am amazed. So am I to understand you are still with your pwBPD? If so how is it going? Can you tell me more about how things have improved?

Formflier

Thank you. Its been a horrible few years on so many levels. More than I can even begging to explain. I do try to remember self care. I do try to breathe and live in the moment. Sometime however just surviving the day is almost all I can manage.

To whomever was concerned they were invalidating (sorry can't remember the name at the moment). Not to worry. I appreciate all the insights of the members of this forum. I have a pretty strong sense of self thank god and validate myself nicely on a regular basis. :-) Iwish I could have understood this disorder and that my ex had it before our last big blow out but i didn't and thats unfortunate. However I really believe we are all where sea re supposed to be on this journey and I am trying to be patient and see what is in store for me next. Hopefully some sleep as I have to be up before 6 again and got next to no sleep last night.



Nothing like trying to be cheerful with no sleep on board. But tomorrow is another day and has the potential to bring many wonderful things.  I hope you all have a great night and fabulous Friday. Hugs everyone.

Oh as for my ex. I just wish there was some accountability for the damage and hurt they have caused. But whatever. Sometimes we don't get what we wish for. I can live with it either way. Hopefully he will have a good Friday too wherever he is.

We are. This happened 6 years ago when we first started dating. We got married last year. We still are working together and improvements still need to happen, but we are moving forward

From what he was like then to now... .he used to be a lot more abusive verbally and physically. Not that he hit me, but there was pushing and aggressive behaviors like during an argument once he poured water over my head. None of that happens now. The verbal abuse will still happen, but once he starts I tell him if it continues I will leave, and he stops. I have not had to leave yet.

What's changed the most isn't him, it's me. I've changed the way I speak to him, how I react to his tantrums, I enforce boundaries, and I quit looking to him to provide me something he isn't capable of doing.

[hope2727]

Thanks for the responses.  I would love a chance to try again with my expwBPD but He is NC and enjoying his smear campaign right now so not much chance.

Yes I love trying new things and doing things for myself. However at the moment I am working 3 jobs (7 days a week) to dig out of some financial recovery. It's been a long couple of years and for the moment I just have to 'embrace the suck' and keep going. Not the end of the world. I shall survive this too.