give me the one ultimate reason not go back

[borderdude]

And possible enjoy overfladic shallow sexual rs  with my BPD ex. I only recall the good times, and i starting to heal, getting weak ... .it is dangerous.

[Mutt]

Hi borderdude,

Feeling weak and maybe triggered isn't fun. When I feel like this I step back. Choosing a path and Step 2 to the right should help here.

I think of both the bad and the good and try to recenter myself.

Your partner is different than everyone's SO on the board. You know her best. It may help if you can't think of reasons to perhaps write them down? The good and bad or pro's and con's.

I hope that helps.


--Mutt

[hope2727]

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

[enlighten me]

If you want one reason then here it is.

You mean nothing more to her than a car or a pair of shoes. Once you stop making her feel good about herself you will be discarded or traded in and be left feeling even worse yhan you did the first time.

[hope2727]

You are worthy and deserving of a happy healthy relationship.

That should be all the reason you need.

[Tauriel]

If you want one reason then here it is.

You mean nothing more to her than a car or a pair of shoes. Once you stop making her feel good about herself you will be discarded or traded in and be left feeling even worse yhan you did the first time.

But is this personal? Could she potentially find a guy she would love (without medical or psychiatric treatment)?

[Mutt]

Much of the behavior is driven by the disorder. It's not personal and I think it's also important we factor our values, beliefs and happiness and not become enmeshed.

[borderdude]

I left her, and she became very sad almost crying, but what kind of love are we talking about? She could never have errors, never could say :i did wrong, or whats wrong with ... ., no self critique. It was based on fantacy, she barely contacted me , no need for it , she had it all in her fantacy rs.

[enlighten me]

If you want one reason then here it is.

You mean nothing more to her than a car or a pair of shoes. Once you stop making her feel good about herself you will be discarded or traded in and be left feeling even worse yhan you did the first time.

But is this personal? Could she potentially find a guy she would love (without medical or psychiatric treatment)?

ok maybe thats a bit harsh. Yes they are capable of love but its not like we know it. It is more the love of a child for a parent. It is the love you have for someone who cares for you.

They do have the one that meant more to them than others but they still hurt them.

[Tauriel]

ok maybe thats a bit harsh. Yes they are capable of love but its not like we know it. It is more the love of a child for a parent. It is the love you have for someone who cares for you.

They do have the one that meant more to them than others but they still hurt them.

Ok, I was thinking more like if she could start loving some guy, even though she didn't love her exes, though there isn't any logic behind this (the ex treated her just as good or maybe even better)? Like some sort of "awakening"... .I would imagine that would be a horrible experience for her ex that still is attached to her.

[Ripped Heart]

It also depends very much on the individual.

Had I found this site after the breakdown of my marriage, I probably would have argued with some of the views I have read on here. My ex-wife was BPD/NPD and any other cluster B personality disorder you could throw into the mix. My T eventually upgraded her to Psychopath.

She was incapable of being wrong about anything and if you so much as challenged or disagreed, all hell was let loose and she would wear you down until you submitted, through emotional, mental and even physical abuse. Anyone so much as came to your aid and they got the full force too. If I was to take her as the blueprint for BPD, I probably would have no empathy for any person with the disorder.

However, I met my current gf, who has major abandonment issues, 99% certain is BPD, has been diagnosed in therapy as having a PD and is open about the fact she has mental health issues as well as taking medication to try and help her. Although they have the same PD, they are very different people. gf, can lose control at times and say nasty things, act irrationally or impulsively. However, a lot of the time you don't even need to bring up her behaviour, she will do that herself and apologise. You can see in her eyes it hurts her too and the double edged sword is that when she thinks about it that's when she goes into a destructive cycle.

In other words, not every BPD is the same, they all share common issues associated with their illness which for most lead them down the same path and leave us with the same feelings of anger, confusion and hurt. The key to all decisions we make lies with making sure we are in a healthy place and working on ourselves. Only then can we really answer our own questions.

[Infern0]

Bpd can "love" in their own way.  But it's not the same love that you or I have. It's a love that can be turned off in a second,  it's a love that they can give to two people at the same time and think it's acceptable.

If they "love" it means you are a good source of supply and giving them what they want,  but if you stop doing that it can be turned off.

Real love doesn't have much place in a BPD relationship.  It's more about needs,  wants and supply than any genuine mutual feelings

[borderdude]

Love = need, or love equals the need for love rings a bell with me.


She loved me because i filled a need within her, therefore this love could be easily replaced by another person, or just change of supply , she had no notion of what love really was, it was all transactional.

[Mutt]

replaced by another person, or just change of supply , she had no notion of what love really was, it was all transactional.

Do you feel like you were treated as an object? An ends to a mean?

It may help to understand why this happens. Distrust of people, fear of abandonment, fear of engulfment, the core wound of abandonment.

A big task in my continuing recovery from BPD has been to realise my tendency to objectify other people in my life. What does this mean? Well, partly it has to do with the famous dictum "never treat others as merely means to an end, but always as ends in themselves."

We all know neediness is at the core of BPD and I think it has much to do with how people with BPD look at the world and at people. Distrust of others' motives (especially if the person with BPD was sexually abused) lends a coloring to all personal interactions: fear is a self-centered emotion, a defense mechanism. So if someone with BPD is driven by a deep and intense need to be loved while at the same time fearing the object of that love will go away or will hurt him/her, then it's easy to see that s/he will tend to view another AS an object, if that makes any sense.

Neediness and fear are all about what is happening to the person, and they leave little room for empathy or even awareness of anyone else's needs. In the same way as a person with NPD uses others as ego-gratifying objects that feed their "narcissistic supply", a person with BPD uses others as an outside means to comfort themselves and to perhaps even give themselves worth, which they believe they lack.

Just some thoughts on the subject - didn't know if anyone had experienced objectifying behavior from their BPD partner. It might help to understand why this happens, and then how we all can move towards extinguishing this tendency, though of course the hard work has to be done by the person with BPD. But there are probably good ways the Non-partner can support this growth while still respecting their own needs and boundaries.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the romantic partner

[ogopogodude]

Here is the most simple answer to the Question (that is in the title of the thread topic):   The ONE ultimate reason not to go back is "violence".

[SlyQQ]

Well put Inferno O believe they love an probably feel that early infatuation we all feel But i have seen it can switch literally for getting them a glass of water or what ever suits at the time then turn back furthermore or it can transmogrify into the most vile hatred for almost no reason if you are comfortable with this then you can probably go back

[SlyQQ]

They are very Zen in this respect they can live almost soley in the moment where that place is is a whole different ball game though

[ucmeicu2]

hi borderdude!  we've all been there, my friend.  i think it's wonderful that you a) have the awareness that you're backsliding and b) are reaching out for possible solutions and c) are, presumably, willing to enact said solutions.  you already know the truth, deep inside you, that's why you wrote "it is dangerous".

here's what worked for me.  i've become a big fan of post-it notes, post BPDx breakup.  i see them every time i wake up, go to bed, and all in-between during the day... .so they can serve as great reminders.

also, in the beginning:  i found it extremely helpful to make lists.  lists of bad/cruel/hurtful/unforgiveable things she had done to me/said to me/perpetrated on me/etc.  i'd keep a text document handy on my laptop desktop and whenever a bad memory would pop into my consciousness, i'd add it to the list.  (it's amazing how many memories i didn't even know i'd buried, start to resurface, the longer i am escaped from satan ... .away from princess... .no contact).   and then, when i felt weak and started missing her or thinking "hey, she wasn't that bad!" (?), i could go straight to the list and remind myself:

"YES SHE WAS THAT BAD AND HERE IS THE PROOF!"

hope this helps 

icu2

And possible enjoy overfladic shallow sexual rs  with my BPD ex. I only recall the good times, and i starting to heal, getting weak ... .it is dangerous.

[Tim300]

(1) I agree that it is dangerous to be in a relationship with a pwBPD.  I had known my pwBPD for 14 years before we started dating, and I never would have believed how dangerous she could become.  She looks like an innocent girl.  I didn't find out about how dangerous she could become until the final 6 weeks of our 2.5 year relationship (during which time we finally lived together).  She did psychologically scaring things (e.g., overtly making sexual advances to guys at a small gathering of friends -- while we were engaged).  She had never before acted disloyal to me at any public function like this.  Also, while we were going to sleep one night, she threatened to bludgeon my head in the middle of night because she was upset about our cycle of breakups (which she apparently thought was all my fault).  My point here is that whatever BPD symptoms you see now, trust me, it will likely get shockingly worse -- you will deeply regret having not walked away sooner. 

(2) You can't have children with a pwBPD.  Slight overstatement.  But it seems like a very, very bad idea.  I can't speak for you, but my goal in entering into a serious relationship was to have children.  I simply could not have children with a pwBPD based on my experiences with my ex and from reading all about BPD.  The children would likely inherit BPD genes, and the parent with BPD would likely convince the children to hate you, all while fleecing you financially and abusing the children and using them as pawns in a sick game against you.

[new2pain]

Tauriel,

Thats exactly what I was wonderin and what scares me. I truly love her and hope she takes the steps to gain control, but selfishly it terrifies me it will be to late for us, there is always the unknowing guy ready to step in and be there for her

[borderdude]

Do we need to redefine our notion of what love is?


Why do I feel so alive beeing with a person empty inside?

Why do I love that person not resiproce my love back?


I was needed but was I loved?

[Blimblam]

Do we need to redefine our notion of what love is?


Why do I feel so alive beeing with a person empty inside?

Why do I love that person not resiproce my love back?


I was needed but was I loved?

No, one can answer that for you man.  It's starts getting existential and the entire relationship existed on like shifting sands perhaps maybe the sands shifted and love met love but for how long that lasted if it ever happened is up for debate. 

What you do know is how things ended up and that this is a pattern pwBPD tend to follow so would it turn out any different after another round?