am I out of his life for good?

[samj81]

I'd love to know if I'll ever hear from my ex BPD boyfriend again or am I out of his life for good? Every one talks about  how they always come back! He left me nearly two month ago, i have tried contacting him so many times ,different approaches with little response, then a few days ago he blocked Me!

It didn't end badly, just very suddenly, leaving me left with questions why? I thought every thing was great between us!

Why wouldn't he even talk to me, just blocked me in instead?

It doesn't feel to me that I'll ever hear from him again! I think im dead in his eyes!

[Rise]

I'd love to know if I'll ever hear from my ex BPD boyfriend again or am I out of his life for good? Every one talks about  how they always come back!

They don't always come back. There is a pattern amongst many people with BPD, but there is certainly no universal rule that says they will. My ex has recycled several of her past boyfriends (myself included), and has never again dealt with others. There's unfortunately no simple formal to figure out what's going to happen.

Why wouldn't he even talk to me, just blocked me in instead?

There's a good chance that, for whatever reason, dealing with you causes him to have a negative emotional response. He may simply feel shame for having run away. Whatever the case, it's most likely easier for him to ignore you than deal with his overwhelming negative feelings.

[Rise]

The question is why can't I seem to find sane people with those characteristics. I know lots of smart, responsible, good looking women, but there's no intense connection.

First, I would guess that it's because there's something in your history that causes you to seek out unhealthy relationships. I'll be honest, I have my problems with it as well. On some level, we find the people we are looking for. We aren't looking for a perfectly healthy, stable person, so we aren't going to find them.

Second, that intense connection... .it's kind of overrated. That's infatuation. It's the intense feeling that causes my ex to think she's in love every time she meets someone new. And it never, ever, ever lasts. Don't get me wrong, it's fun, and exciting, and awesome when you feel it. Unfortunately once it's gone, if there's nothing else there... .well, there's nothing else there. I'm a bit of an infatuation junky myself, and part of that is due to the fact real, deep, emotional connections with others scare the bejeezus out of me.

[samj81]

How do i stop him ignoring me and get him to talk to me?

[lipstick]

How do i stop him ignoring me and get him to talk to me?

Hi samj81,

I can feel your emotions coming thru in your posts. I'm so sorry that you're being given the famous Borderline "Silent Treatment".  In my opinion, there isn't a way to "make" them talk to you. I've been getting the Silent Treatment for over two years now.

My ex tried to Friend me on Facebook over a year after I was discarded. No message or communication of any kind - just a Friend Request. When I did not accept - I was blocked. That was last December. However - he spies on me thru an alternate account. So even though you may THINK you're being ignored - you're probably not. Contact from a person with BPD can come in some very covert ways. They are good at this stuff!

[samj81]

I try so hard to understand him and BPD but to me if you want to contact someone

You just pick up the phone and contact them,instead of going strange ways around it!

Im having a hard time trying to get my head around any of this.one day i think i understand the next im back to complete confusion!i just wish there was a way of reaching out to him!

[jammo1989]

I'd love to know if I'll ever hear from my ex BPD boyfriend again or am I out of his life for good? Every one talks about  how they always come back! He left me nearly two month ago, i have tried contacting him so many times ,different approaches with little response, then a few days ago he blocked Me!

It didn't end badly, just very suddenly, leaving me left with questions why? I thought every thing was great between us!

Why wouldn't he even talk to me, just blocked me in instead?

It doesn't feel to me that I'll ever hear from him again! I think im dead in his eyes!

Hey Sam, this is whats known as the silent treatment, its a passive aggressive behavior that is used to not only control you, but to punish you as well, the reason why you are blocked is solely because you didn't give them what they wanted,  so why the silent treatment?  they are playing the role of the punitive parent, in other words they are banishing you from their kingdom, they want you to feel pain, so what actually happens is:

They will block you to provoke an action, because they know by doing so you will try to contact them, they  crave attention, they also know if you reach out that you are weak and that you are still available when needed, you are not a human to these people you are merely an object that can be used when needed (asking for a favor)  They dont love like we do they LOVE the way we make them feel whole, complete, visible to the world.  As it stands you have been banished from their kingdom because they no longer see a use for you, dont worry im in exactly the same position as you, im 4 months NC right now, and healed fully, I use this forum to help the newer members like yourself, if you would like some more information on the silent treatment just ask and I will try and explain it in greater detail for you.   

[lipstick]

I try so hard to understand him and BPD but to me if you want to contact someone

You just pick up the phone and contact them,instead of going strange ways around it!

Im having a hard time trying to get my head around any of this.one day i think i understand the next im back to complete confusion!i just wish there was a way of reaching out to him!

samj81,

Well, yes - picking up the phone to call someone would be the "normal" way to contact someone. But folks with this disorder don't think the way you and I do. When I was first discarded - I left tons of voicemails and FB messages. All ignored. I kept sending messages for about six weeks. Nothing. I would get the little FB message "Seen at 0:00-" with a check mark next to the time stamp. Meaning he had read it - but again, zero response.

The Silent Treatment is a form of abuse. It is meant to devalue us and show we have no worth. It's beyond cruel in my opinion. I've been told that it's an avoidance trait used by those with BPD in order to feel in control and to avoid dealing with what they've done. My ex is damn good at it ! However - I know I'm on his mind. Not every day, I'm sure. But his pattern is to "check in on me" via FB every Saturday or Sunday evening. Very late. Usually around 2:00 or 3:00 a.m... Yet he has not unblocked me nor has he made any attempt to contact me. Why?  I can't say. I believe he wants to know that he still has a connection to me - but he absolutely cannot let me or anyone else see or know that.

If you can - just let your BF be for now. Go about your business. Let him come around when he feels like it's "safe". I can't guarantee that he will - but again, you can't force him to communicate with you.

[misty_red]

I think the reason they try weird ways to contact you (via third partys or other covert ways) is that they actually want you to be the one to reach out again. They don't want to be the one because they feel like losing control when doing it. There also might be the fear of abandonment. They don't have 100% certainty that you will allow them back in your life if they reach out. So if you are the one contacting them they can avoid this. They are showing up to trigger you. To make you want them again. Every ___ing time I got the silent treatment from my exBPDgf when still in the relationship she made sure I'd see her at some place. She wanted me to reach out, to say sorry for whatever things she felt like I did and stuff. And I always did, I always gave her the chance back in my life without her needing to apologize for anything at all - then they can say "See, it's your fault. You wanted me back in your life." so they can justify their abusive behaviour (I though think it's happening subconciously). Only because my exBPDgf showed up and triggered some feelings in me. It doesn't work on me anymore though she's upping the ante. But yeah, I guess this is why they're doing this. It's also for punishment. You didn't behave/react in a way they wanted you to so they treat you that way so that you eventually come around and apologize. Blabla. It's insane and always the same cyle.

[downwhim]

Sam, if you appear needy that is a total turnoff for a borderline. If you want him back leave him alone and see what happens. You may never receive contact or  he will find a way to reconnect. It is a dance they do and you may be in line to recycle who knows... .

Work on you. Think about what you need to do for yourself to heal and grow. Borderlines are busy messing up someone elses life while you are out of the picture. They never sit still and need constant attention.

He is not all you have in this world and the sooner you realize that the quicker you will learn that you never really needed him.

[Hadlee]

I think the reason they try weird ways to contact you (via third partys or other covert ways) is that they actually want you to be the one to reach out again. They don't want to be the one because they feel like losing control when doing it. There also might be the fear of abandonment. They don't have 100% certainty that you will allow them back in your life if they reach out. So if you are the one contacting them they can avoid this. They are showing up to trigger you. To make you want them again. It's also for punishment. You didn't behave/react in a way they wanted you to so they treat you that way so that you eventually come around and apologize. Blabla. It's insane and always the same cyle.

This really resonates with me regarding my BPDx friend.  She would go quiet on me and I would end up contacting her.  I would get all the "I love you, I miss you" excited crap from her.  Maybe relief that she still had me in her clutches?

I don't contact her now.  Since I stopped being the one to contact and visit her, she has been going to a coffee shop and bar (with her shiny new toys) she knows I go to.  This could be co-incidence though.  In the end she always makes contact eventually.  Not only direct contact, but indirect as well.  She sent me a friend request from a fake Facebook profile after I moved her to restricted view (have since deleted her).  I knew it she was behind it after I dug deep into the info on the profile.  She has recently been passive aggressive on Facebook - we have a lot of mutual friends on there, so she will tag people we are both friends with, and makes comments which, I'm pretty sure, are for my benefit.

I believe she is telling our mutual friends/co-workers things in the hope it gets back to me.  I ignore it all, so she gets no reaction out of me.  Even though we work in different departments, she knows exactly what work I am working on.

It is creepy!

I'm sorry you are hurting Sam   Merry Christmas to you  

[guy4caligirl]

I'd love to know if I'll ever hear from my ex BPD boyfriend again or am I out of his life for good? Every one talks about  how they always come back! He left me nearly two month ago, i have tried contacting him so many times ,different approaches with little response, then a few days ago he blocked Me!

It didn't end badly, just very suddenly, leaving me left with questions why? I thought every thing was great between us!

Why wouldn't he even talk to me, just blocked me in instead?

It doesn't feel to me that I'll ever hear from him again! I think im dead in his eyes!

Hey Sam, this is whats known as the silent treatment, its a passive aggressive behavior that is used to not only control you, but to punish you as well, the reason why you are blocked is solely because you didn't give them what they wanted,  so why the silent treatment?  they are playing the role of the punitive parent, in other words they are banishing you from their kingdom, they want you to feel pain, so what actually happens is:

They will block you to provoke an action, because they know by doing so you will try to contact them, they  crave attention, they also know if you reach out that you are weak and that you are still available when needed, you are not a human to these people you are merely an object that can be used when needed (asking for a favor)  They dont love like we do they LOVE the way we make them feel whole, complete, visible to the world.  As it stands you have been banished from their kingdom because they no longer see a use for you, dont worry im in exactly the same position as you, im 4 months NC right now, and healed fully, I use this forum to help the newer members like yourself, if you would like some more information on the silent treatment just ask and I will try and explain it in greater detail for you.   

I am too out for 5 months tried every possible way to be in contact with my ex , I agree that silent treatment is a façade they put up , part of the illness , the notion of punishing you is very real . don't take it personally .

Jammo , I am happy to know you're healed , maybe you can share some thoughts ,ideas how to get there !

Guy

[jammo1989]

I'd love to know if I'll ever hear from my ex BPD boyfriend again or am I out of his life for good? Every one talks about  how they always come back! He left me nearly two month ago, i have tried contacting him so many times ,different approaches with little response, then a few days ago he blocked Me!

It didn't end badly, just very suddenly, leaving me left with questions why? I thought every thing was great between us!

Why wouldn't he even talk to me, just blocked me in instead?

It doesn't feel to me that I'll ever hear from him again! I think im dead in his eyes!

Hey Sam, this is whats known as the silent treatment, its a passive aggressive behavior that is used to not only control you, but to punish you as well, the reason why you are blocked is solely because you didn't give them what they wanted,  so why the silent treatment?  they are playing the role of the punitive parent, in other words they are banishing you from their kingdom, they want you to feel pain, so what actually happens is:

They will block you to provoke an action, because they know by doing so you will try to contact them, they  crave attention, they also know if you reach out that you are weak and that you are still available when needed, you are not a human to these people you are merely an object that can be used when needed (asking for a favor)  They dont love like we do they LOVE the way we make them feel whole, complete, visible to the world.  As it stands you have been banished from their kingdom because they no longer see a use for you, dont worry im in exactly the same position as you, im 4 months NC right now, and healed fully, I use this forum to help the newer members like yourself, if you would like some more information on the silent treatment just ask and I will try and explain it in greater detail for you.   

I am too out for 5 months tried every possible way to be in contact with my ex , I agree that silent treatment is a façade they put up , part of the illness , the notion of punishing you is very real . don't take it personally .

Jammo , I am happy to know you're healed , maybe you can share some thoughts ,ideas how to get there !

Guy

Course I can give you some input on how i healed, In my case i was dealing with an NPD, but the same procedures i followed would also apply for the BPD, I will make this a nice lengthy answer to how i dealt with it:

The key to healing is not from getting or begging for closure from your ex, the key here is to educate yourself about the disorder, while at the same time using it solely for your own closure.  You should not be researching these personality disorders if your goal is to go back to them, and the reason I say that is because, the people who research this subject with these intentions go back to the stove only to get burnt again.  You will not and can not change who these people are, I don't care if your a millionaire, a top psychologist you WONT change them, the more you try the nastier and resentful they will get, so step number one:

Use this site for closure, ask some of the older members like myself what ever question pops into your mind, and by doing so you will be able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together, and when you do you will be like oh my god! i know who he/she really is.  I can tell you now from experience my ex discarded me telling me to never contact her again while flirting with me in person, she giggled and smirked at me, I was then blocked from social media and phone, and the thing is i didn't harass or chase her, so she had no reason to do this.  I asked the same question on this site over and over, and in the end I used what others had said and began my own research, I started googling thing's like:

The emotional cut off

The silent treatment BPD/NPD

Child of the Narcissistic parent

The more i learnt the more i understood, this is probably the most important thing you all need to know, and i cant stress it enough.  After months of research you will have a moment of oh my god! I have the key to her happiness, I know what she doesnt, you almost feel like "If we go to therapy together and i mention BPD/NPD she will change... .DONT! i repeat DONT!  So why is this? Cluster Bs dont know what they are suffering with but they do know that something isnt right and they will be in denial hence the fake personality and mask they wear.

You all need to look deep within yourselves and say was I co dependent?  If you love them because you care, and want to make their life happy, then your the wrong person to go near Cluster Bs, they use our kindness and good will to get what they cant have in life, I was and always have been Co- dependent, but there comes a point when, if you feel like your in a battle you MUST be strong emotionally as a person.  I can give you some more personal experience regarding this matter.

My ex dumped me over the phone, gave me the come here go away behavior, 2 weeks later she text me saying "I want to meet up to give our stuff back"  I then text her best mate that night saying im dropping (insert exes name)off at yours.  15 minutes later i had a barrage of calls 12 in total, I finally picked up and she said you will see me and you will see how much youve hurt me, ill come to your house if i have to! so i finally gave in and said ok.  This is where i broke away from my good will nature, I called friends and asked them how should I act on the day, and from then on i put myself into ALPHA Male mode.

The day finally came she saw me all nervous, giggled and the first thing she said was some guy was hitting on me the other night (provoking looking to see if Narc supply was still available)

i didnt react, she then tried harder and said if i had sex with another guy would you be mad with me?  I said no id just have sex with another girl, next thing i know shes all over me kissing me telling me she loves me so much and that she wanted sex with me (see her mind games here and how they worked?)  Later on that day i was given a hickey and told how handsome I looked .  Later that day i said, ok gotta go now (took control) and she burst out crying, the game was, if i gave a reaction to her actions i would have come across as caring and still a worthy source of Narc supply.

I dont need to ramble on about the things that happened in the weeks leading up to the final discard, but what I will say to you all trying to heal is this:

Woman whether healthy or Cluster Bs want a man that can handle any situation they throw at you, so DONT YOU DARE text them saying i miss you, i love you, can we meet up?  because all your doing here is showing her that she has the power here and not you, and especially for Narcs this power gives them a feeling of superiority.  You must not and can not talk to them like you want them back or want to be friends, it doesnt work like that they are emotional vampires, and you are NOT their emotional dildo for when they want you.

The power lies within YOU the final discard happened when i had to meet her for the last time, she was really kind and loving, asked about my family, told me her 3 year old daughter misses me, also told me that she stalked my FB (she blocked me) and went onto say her and the kids were looking at old pictures of us (She had a BF during this period)  then from out of no where giggled at me, then said dont you ever contact me again, do you understand! with that cruel Narc smirk... .So what did i do? I laughed at her, smiled back and said your gonna miss this sexy voice (had banter) she then smiled and said im bored of talking to you know go away, so i said awwww am i to hot for you to handle? and she stormed off, havent spoken to her since 4 months NC.

So the moral of this story is, break away from your own co dependency, research for your own closure, and be the man you were just before they met you, i never once cried over my ex, because im a MAN not the little boy she wanted to bully in the playground, Cluster Bs are like dogs they can sense weakness just by looking at you, so initiate NC and show that you are men, flirt with them, not because you love them, but to show them that you will NOT bow to their bull s h i t!

My ex always used to say to me your going to cry over me one day, your going to chase me because all my other exes do, and you know what? I am the 1st guy she has ever blocked completely, and do you know why that is? Its because im an ALPHA male, i dont chase and i sure as hell dont bow to someone who was and still is below me in every aspect of life!                     

[guy4caligirl]

Thank you Jammo for the post , it helped a lot I hope other members read that , that's why we are all here in the first place to share and learn from each others.

Guy

[samj81]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and advice.im still very much hurting and confused.but its christmas after all and i have desided to have the best christmas that i can put my all into my children and have a happy few days.im not saying i wont think about mx BPDex and miss him greatly,but this is my time and my familys.merry christmas everyone.keep smiling and remember we can have a fantastic time with out them(life is what we make it,or thats what im trying to tell myself!)       

[Seriously?]

then they can say "See, it's your fault. You wanted me back."[/quote]
One of the most hurtful things my husband said to me during discard was that he had never pursued me. I always broke up with him, but I always came back. It helps me now to know he was probably manipulating me into it without me even realizing it at the time. Him saying that and also that he was "just following my lead" in getting married made me feel so pathetic. Just those two things, and of course all the implications of them, almost destroyed me. When I started to remember what he had said and done to convince me he loved me, I started to grasp just good he is at lying. I knew I didn't make up all the romance and declarations in my head. What a piece of work he is!

[NYMike]

I will never again as long as I live be in a relationship with someone who abandones me or uses the silent treatment.!

That tortured me and my soul.I had enough of that to last me this lifetime.It will never happen again.If it does,then the first time I am out and done with it.

If I can't find a mature woman who can sit down and problem solve and discuss are feelings and come to a happy middle then I don't want to be no were near them.

Thank You Forum for teaching me this.I never understood what silent treatment was and why it was used against me many many times.I learned about it on here.

I am done with people hanging up phones like little children too.As I learn and sift through this horrible pain I am becoming teachable and learning so much.

Thank You BPD Family

NYMIKE

[downwhim]

Jammo,

Maybe you will not believe this with my other posts but I DO NOT CHASE either. Honestly, the day he emailed me out engagement/8 year relationship was over I responded with fine, N/C, your cut off of all contact. I did it right then and right there. That has been it. I will not beg him to come back. Do I miss him yes but I have two words in my kitchen on a huge chalk board that reads BE STRONG. I really am. I have not called him, driven by his house (minutes away), gone to places we frequented, why because when he screwed me over that was it for me.

I would love to flirt with him though and play him like he did me. Play his game. Let him think. oh she will come running to me again. Nope, emotionally I am detaching day by day but he always thought he could win me back.

All of you stay strong - N/C. Merry Christmas  

[hope2727]

I will never again as long as I live be in a relationship with someone who abandones me or uses the silent treatment.!

That tortured me and my soul.I had enough of that to last me this lifetime.It will never happen again.If it does,then the first time I am out and done with it.

If I can't find a mature woman who can sit down and problem solve and discuss are feelings and come to a happy middle then I don't want to be no were near them.

Yes exactly.