Why do only girls with BPD make me feel alive.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've had relationships with 2 women with BPD (yeah, obviously I have issues of my own) and I think I can answer some of the common questions I've seen here. Hopefully it can help some of you to make sense of your situation.

The first thing you have to understand is that past experiences, bad decisions and a genetic predisposition creates in them intense, deep rooted sadness, feelings of void, unlovability and shame. That's the common theme with pwBPD and it shapes all their personal relationships.


Did they really love me?

YES. Getting in a stable relationship is a huge risk for a pwBPD because it grants you a deep knowledge of them and that's scary, they're convinced you'll run away once you know them well, potentially reinforcing their inadequacy feelings. If they had a long relationship with you, it's mostly (with some exceptions) because they saw something special in you.

My 2 BPDex had and keep having lots of one night stands and very short relationships, with men and women, because it makes them feel desired, but without the risks of someone they love finding how unlovable they (believe) are.

If so, why did they leave me?

No matter how great you are, you will never fill their emptiness. Once the honeymoon is over, they'll feel sad and depressed again, because THAT'S WHO THEY ARE. That will trigger inadequacy feelings in you, because you think your significant other should be happy with you. Trust is lost and at this point the relationship changes forever. It's a downward spiral of 2 persons wondering why the can't make the other one happy.

Why do they cheat?

If they didn't have poor impulse control, if they didn't act out, they wouldn't have BPD. They are desperate and starved for validation and your feelings WILL ALLWAYS MATTER LESS than their necessities. They know it's wrong, they know they will feel awful, but they just need that fleeting moment of feeling alive and desired.

Once it's over, why can't they look me in the face?

In psychology, avoidance coping, or escape coping, is a maladaptive coping mechanism[1] characterized by the effort to avoid dealing with a stressor.[2] Coping refers to behaviors that attempt to protect oneself from psychological damage.[3] Variations of avoidance coping include modifying or eliminating the conditions that gave rise to the problem and changing the perception of an experience in a way that neutralizes the problem.[3]Wikipedia explains it better than myself. They avoid you like the plague because they know they screwed up again, and they feel with such intensity that it hurts so deeply they just want to scape.

In a relationship with a pwBPD you can't win.

As simple as that. Logic and common sense don't matter for them. Their emotional survival instincts trump every effort, no matter how well intentioned. Years of therapy is the only solution, but good luck getting away with the suggestion. If your partner has hit rock bottom, there might be a chance. If they are young and attractive, they will just keep escaping forward.

If you have any other questions I think I can give you a pretty accurate view. The thing I still haven't figured out, is why only girls with BPD make me feel alive.

[Alberto]

I've had relationships with 2 women with BPD (yeah, obviously I have issues of my own) and I think I can answer some of the common questions I've seen here. Hopefully it can help some of you to make sense of your situation.

The first thing you have to understand is that past experiences, bad decisions and a genetic predisposition creates in them intense, deep rooted sadness, feelings of void, unlovability and shame. That's the common theme with pwBPD and it shapes all their personal relationships.


Did they really love me?

YES. Getting in a stable relationship is a huge risk for a pwBPD because it grants you a deep knowledge of them and that's scary, they're convinced you'll run away once you know them well, potentially reinforcing their inadequacy feelings. If they had a long relationship with you, it's mostly (with some exceptions) because they saw something special in you.

My 2 BPDex had and keep having lots of one night stands and very short relationships, with men and women, because it makes them feel desired, but without the risks of someone they love finding how unlovable they (believe) are.

If so, why did they leave me?

No matter how great you are, you will never fill their emptiness. Once the honeymoon is over, they'll feel sad and depressed again, because THAT'S WHO THEY ARE. That will trigger inadequacy feelings in you, because you think your significant other should be happy with you. Trust is lost and at this point the relationship changes forever. It's a downward spiral of 2 persons wondering why the can't make the other one happy.

Why do they cheat?

If they didn't have poor impulse control, if they didn't act out, they wouldn't have BPD. They are desperate and starved for validation and your feelings WILL ALLWAYS MATTER LESS than their necessities. They know it's wrong, they know they will feel awful, but they just need that fleeting moment of feeling alive and desired.

Once it's over, why can't they look me in the face?

In psychology, avoidance coping, or escape coping, is a maladaptive coping mechanism[1] characterized by the effort to avoid dealing with a stressor.[2] Coping refers to behaviors that attempt to protect oneself from psychological damage.[3] Variations of avoidance coping include modifying or eliminating the conditions that gave rise to the problem and changing the perception of an experience in a way that neutralizes the problem.[3]Wikipedia explains it better than myself. They avoid you like the plague because they know they screwed up again, and they feel with such intensity that it hurts so deeply they just want to scape.

In a relationship with a pwBPD you can't win.

As simple as that. Logic and common sense don't matter for them. Their emotional survival instincts trump every effort, no matter how well intentioned. Years of therapy is the only solution, but good luck getting away with the suggestion. If your partner has hit rock bottom, there might be a chance. If they are young and attractive, they will just keep escaping forward.

If you have any other questions I think I can give you a pretty accurate view. The thing I still haven't figured out, is why only girls with BPD make me feel alive.

[parisian]

The thing I still haven't figured out, is why only girls with BPD make me feel alive.

Alberto, several reasons from my experience with a high-functioning exBPDgf where we were not married or living together:

a) the idealization phase is intense, and b/c they mirror so well, you essentially fall in love with yourself

b) the intensity full stop

c) mine lived her life at 1000 miles an hour - superficially they have such a 'zest' for life - they get out and live it in order not to be alone at home with their feelings. They are incredibly social creatures. Keeping up is tiring, but they can always be relied on to have something on. Mine had the fastest paced social life ever, plus overseas trips. Every year.

d) I was friends with mine for years before our r/s, and fell in love with the charmy, witty, intellectual, humorous social butterfly

e) the passionate sex and incredible openess, the excitement of that (at first)

There's an aliveness about them that engulfs us during idealization phase, and that's what forms the addiction to them. It's so easy to be drawn to someone who desires you so intensly.

[Visitor]

The thing I still haven't figured out, is why only girls with BPD make me feel alive.

Alberto, several reasons from my experience with a high-functioning exBPDgf where we were not married or living together:

a) the idealization phase is intense, and b/c they mirror so well, you essentially fall in love with yourself

b) the intensity full stop

c) mine lived her life at 1000 miles an hour - superficially they have such a 'zest' for life - they get out and live it in order not to be alone at home with their feelings. They are incredibly social creatures. Keeping up is tiring, but they can always be relied on to have something on. Mine had the fastest paced social life ever, plus overseas trips. Every year.

d) I was friends with mine for years before our r/s, and fell in love with the charmy, witty, intellectual, humorous social butterfly

e) the passionate sex and incredible openess, the excitement of that (at first)

There's an aliveness about them that engulfs us during idealization phase, and that's what forms the addiction to them. It's so easy to be drawn to someone who desires you so intensly.

Yeah, you are right.

The question is why can't I seem to find sane people with those characteristics. I know lots of smart, responsible, good looking women, but there's no intense connection.

You dont have a disorder but like most of us here you problaby have some good old narcissitic traits. In other words you have an inflated ego that a borderline will quite readily massage for you.

It all comes down to having a low self esteem.

[Skip]

Have you taken the schema test?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=202548.0

[neverloveagain]

they seem very intoxicating from the outside and their seduction skills second to non (was with my waif) i could feel the static in the air when our worlds collided for the first time, but oh then how i didnt notice how far into the fog i was until i looked around me away from her. indeed i was lost.

[CloseToFreedom]

We basically fall in love with a phantom, a personification of everything we like and want, in the beginning. That's why its so addicting and why it makes us feel so alive.

And its also why the downfall feels that much worse.

When I'm on a date with a 'normal' woman, I feel almost nothing. It's just not intense.

[NYMike]

For me it was her ''words'' and the ''mirroring''

I clung on to all those wprds she said.She told me things no other woman has ever told me.It was intense to here all these words she said to me.

I clung to all of it.when I woke up it was to late I was in a FOG and I was emotionally in far to deep.

I woke up to the fact they were just ''words'' and the actions were not adding up.She led me on a for a long time and I kept grasping to the words.

Even when she recycled me she would come over with everything I wanted to hear.She would then get me to submit.I would love her,cuddle her,give her money,make passionate love to her etc etc etc.Then she would never come back when she said she was coming back.I was in a constant push/pull and constant confusion.

The last time I snapped,I then woke up to the fact she is full of BS and I caught her in numerous lie's.She never owned all the lie's and was able to turn it all around and blame me.

This ''snap'' and angry ''texting'' outburst landed me an Order Of Protection and allowed her to run out in the world and continue to blame me and play the victim until she finds a new rescuer.This angers me.

I am stupid for ever falling into her trap and the truth is I should of never been with her in the first place.I seen many red flags and ignored them.

This woman is nothing but trouble and disfunction.

[Blimblam]

My ex (a quiet waify borderline) was a master of seduction.  She was everything I ever wanted in a woman.  She was so soo giving almost to the point I felt she could so easily be taken advantage of.  She was extremely humble. Her demeanor was just so feminine and demure. She had this playfull dorky side she was shy to reveal. She was extremely sensual.  She was just everything I find attractive about a woman to the max.  She was so validating and kind and compassionate almost to the point of martyrdom.

[neverloveagain]

Oh yes blimblam dam the waifs they so good mine never raged like the queens and witches i wisg she had i could of left sooner. Dam the waif like a stealth asasin with the knife already at yoir back.

[Clearmind]

I asked myself that very question about 6 months post split. I had also been asked that question by my trusty therapist. My therapist asked me to complete the schema test (Skip posted above) - it was an absolute eye opener and the key to me moving past my ex and what he did or didn't do and start to look into the Why I chose a man like my ex and how to get to know myself better.

What I had become to realise was that my basic emotional needs where really not met as a child and I was then as an adult dealing with my abandonment schema. My father was present physically when I was a child but not at all emotionally. I was very emotionally invalidated as a child.

My ex was the perfect mask for me. His issues, so I thought, way over shadowed mine. I felt whole by helping and fixing him.

I strongly encourage you to seek out those answers to your question Alberto. You're on the right track. Merry Xmas to you

[Blimblam]

Oh yes blimblam dam the waifs they so good mine never raged like the queens and witches i wisg she had i could of left sooner. Dam the waif like a stealth asasin with the knife already at yoir back.

Yeah, I've known a few quiet borderlines and each were different people too. My first ex was a quiet borderline but she would occasionally rage and once physically assaulted me. 

The thing I notticed is that they were extremely giving like giving the best of themselves away in the form of validating others in hopes they would recieve the same in return.  It was more like being highly succeptible to peer pressure than being fake. 

What I notticed is that she was content to give herself away to people that took her energy to view her in contempt while taking her energy to prop up their narcissistic self image, giving her back barely anything of substance in return.  She was extremely thoughtful and sentimental.  All of this was real and intense.  She wanted acceptance.

This is what I find so attractive the authenticity, intensity, and selflessness In which they give the best of themselves to others in hopes of being appreciated.

The ones I was attracted to were like that.  I have encountered other cluster Bs who were not and I didn't find them attractive.