Fights with your BPDex

[billypilgrim]

what were they like?  :)id you seem them coming? Did you instigate or did your partner?  How were they resolved?  Or were they resolved?


I always felt blindsided whenever we had fights.  Mostly because I never fully understood what our fights were about.  I always thought they were resolved after I twisted or melded into placating whatever it was she was feeling.  I really can't tell you what any of our fights were actually about.  I remember being confused and frustrated at her for blowing up over nothing but for the life of me I can't remember what actually started the "fight."  And despite having thought we have moved passed them, both of our big fights in our 6 years together were brought up as reasons she left (one of which happened 4 years ago before we were married ).

Looking back, the fights felt more like chances for her to list her grievances and there was always this implied expectation that I needed to do something about it.  And I did.  And that usually kept things calm for a while, at least until she gathered her next storm.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Anything could spark off an outburst.  Once I sent her an online advertisement for a transit van converted to a mini bus - as we were looking for something we could use to commute all of us.  That sent her into a rage - to this day I have no idea why.  Perhaps she thought it was below her standards. Just Weird.

[Indyan]

Mostly because I never fully understood what our fights were about.

Well, yes.

And the final outburst when he exploded with anger and despair and left me for his parents' house.

I had NO IDEA whatsoever what I was supposed to have done wrong.

6 months later, he's gone now, has his own appartment, and I still have no idea as to why he left.

But as my T puts it "no point in trying to understand"

[hurting300]

Yeah fights with mine were me yelling because I had proof she had lied to me. She would just sit there and stare. She only raged once or twice. At the end it was me raging.

[clydegriffith]

The fights would start out of no where for the slightest things. Now that i think of it, once i got a sense of who she really was is when i should have called it quits. I am very calm, laid back and care-free by nature and she's the exact opposite. Once the mask came off this was doomed to fail sooner rather than later unless i completely submitted to her which i did for longer than i should have.

I'll admit that more often than not my reactions to her craziness through gasoline on the fire so to speak but when you're getting pushed, punched, screamed at and being physically blocked from leaving the immediate area what can you do?

To this day my reactions are still not what they should be as i tend to poke fun at all her relationship disasters, the number of kids she has and her apperance whenever she pushes my buttons but i'm getting better at that.

[Indyan]

Clyde, I'm rather calm too. I wonder what things may be like with someone more ill tempered... . 

[clydegriffith]

Clyde, I'm rather calm too. I wonder what things may be like with someone more ill tempered... . 

A perfect recipe for a very ugly domestic violence incident is what you would have there.

[hurting300]

Her calmness is what got me. I mean, if tore someone's heart out I'd be upset.

[Indyan]

Her calmness is what got me. I mean, if tore someone's heart out I'd be upset.

Me too. Oh Lord, I remember telling him before moving in together that his presence was soothing and relaxing!

Did she stay calm later on?

[going places]

what were they like?

The first 9 years, I would try to talk.

He would stare at the TV or wall.

I would get frustrated, yell, or just throw my hands up and say the hell with it.

We'd go to bed, and as long as I didn't revisit the topic; he thought everything was ok.

If I really wizzed him off? DAYS of silent treatment and pouting.

From year 9 to year 22 we didn't 'fight'.

I did everything possible to give him every thing he wanted so he would not have a temper tantrum, administer the silent treatment.

Year 22-24

sometimes I would lose my mind, crying, screaming, banging my fists on the dash board... .

NOW he twisted my words and used them against me; or he just made crap up and said I said it.

CLASSIC gaslighting.

It was horrible

He would email me something, and I would ask him about it and he woudl say "I never said that".

I would PRINT IT and show it to him... .

AND HE WOULD SAY I NEVER SAID THAT... .

It's in black and white.

AND it would make me lose my mind because I had it RIGHT THERE... .

He did it on purpose.

The Last 6 months

I only communicate via email.

In the last 3 months, once he starts to talk about anything other than the house we have for sale (that just sold) I would shut my computer / shut my phone off; and focus on my future and ignore his attempts to hurt me.

It has been wonderful.

Did you seem them coming? Did you instigate or did your partner?  How were they resolved?  Or were they resolved?

The resolution was this:

*I* had to change *I* had to give him everything he wanted / expected *I* had to shut up and just do what ever it was he wanted (which is what I did for 15 years) *I* was not allowed to express ANY emotions, ever... .unless it was to fawn all over him, touching all over him and giving him 100% of my focus and attention.

And if I didn't?

Let the gaslighting, pouting, manipulating, temper tantrum games begin... .

I always felt blindsided whenever we had fights.  Mostly because I never fully understood what our fights were about.  I always thought they were resolved after I twisted or melded into placating whatever it was she was feeling.  I really can't tell you what any of our fights were actually about.  I remember being confused and frustrated at her for blowing up over nothing but for the life of me I can't remember what actually started the "fight."  And despite having thought we have moved passed them, both of our big fights in our 6 years together were brought up as reasons she left (one of which happened 4 years ago before we were married ).

Looking back, the fights felt more like chances for her to list her grievances and there was always this implied expectation that I needed to do something about it.  And I did.  And that usually kept things calm for a while, at least until she gathered her next storm.

Every 'fight' we have ever been in?

Started because I wanted to talk, wanted to talk about our future, or me busting him lying and calling him out.

He's a douche. He's just a bad bad dude.

[hurting300]

Her calmness is what got me. I mean, if tore someone's heart out I'd be upset.

Me too. Oh Lord, I remember telling him before moving in together that his presence was soothing and relaxing!

Did she stay calm later on?

no what I meant is, she is not the loud raging BPD, very passive aggressive.

[Painterly2014]

what were they like?

The first 9 years, I would try to talk.

He would stare at the TV or wall.

I would get frustrated, yell, or just throw my hands up and say the hell with it.

We'd go to bed, and as long as I didn't revisit the topic; he thought everything was ok.

If I really wizzed him off? DAYS of silent treatment and pouting.

From year 9 to year 22 we didn't 'fight'.

I did everything possible to give him every thing he wanted so he would not have a temper tantrum, administer the silent treatment.

Year 22-24

sometimes I would lose my mind, crying, screaming, banging my fists on the dash board... .

NOW he twisted my words and used them against me; or he just made crap up and said I said it.

CLASSIC gaslighting.

It was horrible

He would email me something, and I would ask him about it and he woudl say "I never said that".

I would PRINT IT and show it to him... .

AND HE WOULD SAY I NEVER SAID THAT... .

It's in black and white.

AND it would make me lose my mind because I had it RIGHT THERE... .

He did it on purpose.

The Last 6 months

I only communicate via email.

In the last 3 months, once he starts to talk about anything other than the house we have for sale (that just sold) I would shut my computer / shut my phone off; and focus on my future and ignore his attempts to hurt me.

It has been wonderful.

Did you seem them coming? Did you instigate or did your partner?  How were they resolved?  Or were they resolved?

The resolution was this:

*I* had to change *I* had to give him everything he wanted / expected *I* had to shut up and just do what ever it was he wanted (which is what I did for 15 years) *I* was not allowed to express ANY emotions, ever... .unless it was to fawn all over him, touching all over him and giving him 100% of my focus and attention.

And if I didn't?

Let the gaslighting, pouting, manipulating, temper tantrum games begin... .

Every 'fight' we have ever been in?

Started because I wanted to talk, wanted to talk about our future, or me busting him lying and calling him out.

He's a douche. He's just a bad bad dude.

Our stories are so similar its scary.  This is exactly how mine acted and acts now.  He is out and I am in the process of getting the house ready to sell so haven't reached the stage where I don't have to interact with him yet.  I am looking forward to it though.   

[ogopogodude]

I was going to type my experiences with my BPD wife but the rages and temper tantrums are things that I am putting behind me.  Some of them went on for hours, some up to 7 hours long of her chasing me around yelling.

Which brings me to the topic of "SANCTUARY".

I remember reading upon the concept of a sanctuary room. Perhaps it was in Randi Kreger's book, I cannot recall where I read upon this idea. This was supposed to be a place where the kids and I could go and be left alone.  This did not work out well  at all  for me and the kids.  It turned out to be a part of the house for mom to leave us alone but it turned out to be the place that she would torment us even more.

If anyone wants to see a mild version of what I experienced then one can google or youtube  these words: " dr phil a mother's fury exposed "

The woman in this video is just like my wife in terms of her issues. But the intensity in my situation was at least 100 fold in terms of the volatility and anger, and throwing things (usually cell phones, remote phones or tv remotes, and destroying property in general by breaking anything that was glass).

[vortex of confusion]

Most of our fights have been over stupid stuff. I will say something that I think is pretty mundane and he will take it as a personal attack.

For years though, we didn't really fight at all. I would just keep my mouth shut. Or, if I did bring something up, he would agree with me and say what he thought I wanted to hear but would then continue to do whatever it was that he was doing that upset me. I listened to his empty promises for years. The fights didn't start until I started calling him on his crap and telling him that I want more. I feel like things would be fine if I could just keep my mouth shut and take whatever he gives me without complaint.

He tends to be very passive aggressive. I am way more direct and feel like I have started the actual fights because I decided that I want to be treated like a wife and life partner rather than as an afterthought.

[peiper]

ftp://I never knew they were coming. They were always about things she wanted me to do, which at first I tried to do. Until I figured out it was going to be never-ending. There was never any resolution . I got to the point that I was so gun shy that I tried to keep my distance. It was like walking around knowing a sniper was out there, just not knowing from What direction the shot was going to come from or when.

[ogopogodude]

ftp://I never knew they were coming. They were always about things she wanted me to do, which at first I tried to do. Until I figured out it was going to be never-ending. There was never any resolution . I got to the point that I was so gun shy that I tried to keep my distance. It was like walking around knowing a sniper was out there, just not knowing from What direction the shot was going to come from or when.

Oh, ... I just wrote down on my pad of paper another gem sentence: the remark about the "sniper".  Being always worried and on edge sort of speak. This is why I like coming to this site.  In the past, I would always would use the phrase "I would always walk on eggshells around her" ... .but this sniper phrase sounds even better to use, when in conversation.

[Mutt]

Hi billypilgrim,

I had my lion's share with conflict with my ex. I thought the harder I resisted she'll succumb. Boy was I wrong.

I like you can't recall what the conflict was about. I'm seperated for nearly two years with shared custody of our three young kids.

Her conflict now is secondary and kids are my priority. As an example HCP's (High Conflict Personalities) thrive on conflict, their behavior and personalities. I can't control this, I can control how I react, like letting go.

My ex taught me many lessons. One lesson is non-resistance.

Acceptance of how things are and not trying to control what I cannot.

“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard. This is another paradox: what is soft is strong." ~Lao Tzu

[enlighten me]

Clyde, I'm rather calm too. I wonder what things may be like with someone more ill tempered... . 

My ex sae fights as a natural part of a relationship. Which I didnt.

[Seriously?]

It was all very confusing.  He would start arguments about things that wouldn't bother a person without BPD.  I wouldn't understand why he was so upset about whatever trivial matter it was. He would start to project. I would get even more confused because he was accusing me of things totally out of my character.  After I learned about BPD,  it made sense on that level. I mean I started to see his behaviors as symptoms.  It still doesn't make sense at all if I look at it in terms of how healthy people interact. We all project and we all want to be right, but most people I know do not make up reality and expect everyone around them to accept it. I still don't know if he always did it on purpose or if he was injured and had to make it about me. I don't know how much is intentional and how much is instinctual. On a certain level, he had to know, but I think he pretended even to himself that his arguments were valid. I am just glad my own sense of self was never truly damaged.  He broke my heart, but he never really made me see things his way if that makes sense. 

[going places]

We all project and we all want to be right, but most people I know do not make up reality and expect everyone around them to accept it.

I think he pretended even to himself that his arguments were valid.

Those two things right there drove me to the brink of insanity.

I would tell him; I CANNOT win against your perceived reality.

When he was having his affair... .he told me that he told her... .he KNEW he'd end up divorced anyway so why not?

The marriage was NOT perfect, but I had NO IDEA... .he gave NO indication what so ever that 'divorce' was even on the radar... .

He just made that up in his head, and it became his reality.

SO MANY of our problems were because he created his own reality of how things were / or were going to be, in his head? And no one and nothing could convince him otherwise.

Sorry, I will never live with someone who's brain functions like that ever again... .THAT could make Job swear!

[Indyan]

It was all very confusing.  He would start arguments about things that wouldn't bother a person without BPD.  I wouldn't understand why he was so upset about whatever trivial matter it was. He would start to project. I would get even more confused because he was accusing me of things totally out of my character.  After I learned about BPD,  it made sense on that level. I mean I started to see his behaviors as symptoms.  It still doesn't make sense at all if I look at it in terms of how healthy people interact. We all project and we all want to be right, but most people I know do not make up reality and expect everyone around them to accept it. I still don't know if he always did it on purpose or if he was injured and had to make it about me. I don't know how much is intentional and how much is instinctual. On a certain level, he had to know, but I think he pretended even to himself that his arguments were valid. I am just glad my own sense of self was never truly damaged.  He broke my heart, but he never really made me see things his way if that makes sense.  

Amen to everything you said.

The "funny" thing is that my BPDx's behaviour and ideas have been enabled and validated by his parents and sisters, which reinforced his conviction that his reality is actually the truth. But whenever he talks to me, expecting  me to have the same "reaction", he hits a rock  

For example 2 weeks ago, we managed to have a phone conversation where he suggested that "we broke up because we didn't get on and blah, blah, blah, that he had to make the decision to leave for the sake of everyone, bullsht, bullsht, bullsht."

I let him talk for a while and then I said "Well, you know that this is NOT my version of the facts, that there is SOMETHING else, don't you?" That cut him short.

And also when he came visit unexpectedly with his sisters and they spoke and spoke about how mentally ill he is NOT (actually not talking about his behaviour but discrediting the T who said he was really ill).

BPD tried to talk rubbish again and I said "I'm not buying that crap. Other are, but you can't pretend with me."

He stopped immediately and looked really touched.

Deep inside, THEY KNOW they are ill. That's the last bit of insight/conscience they have.

[Indyan]

he KNEW he'd end up divorced anyway so why not?

The marriage was NOT perfect, but I had NO IDEA... .he gave NO indication what so ever that 'divorce' was even on the radar... .

He left in July "because we were b/u" (really?), as if I had done something incredible to him (what, I've no idea).

After a few months of desperately trying to stick back the pieces, I gave up (no choice) and yes, we ended up breaking up. The thing that drives me nuts is THE SEQUENCE, because people don't understand.

They say "he's not well BECAUSE you broke up". Errrr, well nope. He went crazy, GOT DESPERATE for an unknown reason to me, and THEN we broke up.

His feelings anticipated the events.

That's something I will NEVER be able to forget.

[CloseToFreedom]

This is such a difficult subject for me, as the fights were each and every time what made us split up. We just couldn't communicate well with each other and they are the sole reason I sometimes even doubt if it was her fault, or mine.

Fights often started about nothing important at all, just something small. Often when she was getting angry, I tried to reason with her, make her see that there was no reason to get angry. But this would piss her off even more. Eventually, I'd fight just as hard as her, just like her calling her names and stuff. Just because I felt like I was treated so unfair, so poorly. I could never make her see that. Maybe once or twice a year she would see what she had done, and after some alone time and crying she would say sorry and admit she was a difficult person. This almost never happened, but when it happened I felt so good, not because she was admitting that I was right, but that it gave me hope that she'd have seen how she was, and that she would change that.

But it never changed. It only got worse and worse.

I have so, SO many examples of fights starting that didn't make sense at all.

I bought her and me a holiday to a vacation resort for her birthday. It was a lot of money but I managed. It was also right before we would buy a house and start living together, so I had to be a bit careful with my money. So each night we would go out and eat, but one of the days I asked if we could just eat inside the resort house and just make something for ourselves. This sparked a big argument that lasted for hours. She was claiming that if I had to save money, why take her to the vacation resort in the first place? I tried explaining that it wasn't a problem, if only we would stay inside one of the nights to make some food together instead of going out to eat. She just didn't understand, her being let down because we wouldnt go out to dinner was so much bigger than the rational thoughts. Mind you, this was with someone I almost took out to dinner weekly, because as a kid she was used to go out for dinner 3, 4 times a week. After a few hours she started being all childlike (which she would often do at the end of an argument), weeping that she was still getting used to living together soon, and that she didn't had a good grasp about how to use money. When they start being all childlike, you always fall for it. You feel for them. You try to comfort them. it solves the argument, but the next time there will be an argument about something small again. It just won't stop.

[Splitblack4good]

Yeah fights with mine were me yelling because I had proof she had lied to me. She would just sit there and stare. She only raged once or twice. At the end it was me raging.

Man does this sound familiar I ended up shouting in the end out of sheer frustration and her lies . Even when I had proof she was lying she would just sit ther and look at me and say nothing ! So in the end I did more shouting at her than she did to me .

[Splitblack4good]

Another thing that caused our arguments was the fact I would say something then she would perceive it to be something it wasn't that conffused me the most then if Id argue I never said what she was making out I said these arguments went on for hours !

My replacement has all this to certaintly come unless he's had a glimpse already as I know they have been arguing .

I'm glad members post topics like this on here because when I'm missing my ex it reminds me why we split up in the first place and in some respects I'm happy to be away from all that toxic behaviour !

[hurting300]

Yeah fights with mine were me yelling because I had proof she had lied to me. She would just sit there and stare. She only raged once or twice. At the end it was me raging.

Man does this sound familiar I ended up shouting in the end out of sheer frustration and her lies . Even when I had proof she was lying she would just sit ther and look at me and say nothing ! So in the end I did more shouting at her than she did to me .

oh she would brag about certain exes, and then she'd say I never go back once I'm gone. But how would she know things about their future if she stalk them? Oh and she does GO back to exes! She went back to me once and the other guy twice. Now she's driving by my house. Makes no sense considering the fact she literally just disappeared eight months ago

[Mike76]

Fights would just drive me crazy, and it tooks years to realize just how bad things were with my dBPDw.

Any little thing would set her off... .we could have a great weekend any top it off with a dinner out Sunday night.  I could thing hit a pothole\bump in the road seconds from our house and it would take days to recover.

Other times she would rant for 30,60,90 minutes without taking a second to breath, and if I would walk away or try to respond she would become even more abusive. It really was not a fight, it was like a war, when the one side was waving the white flag but was still shot and killed.

I would say, "you win," and I was told well you suck and need to suffer.   

She was the divorce papers in hand, but refuses to look at them.  One day the mess will be over

[Indyan]

It really was not a fight, it was like a war, when the one side was waving the white flag but was still shot and killed.

I would say, "you win," and I was told well you suck and need to suffer.   

She was the divorce papers in hand, but refuses to look at them.  One day the mess will be over

Well said.

I keep telling myself "one day the mess will be over"... .I hope... .it seems to never be ending

[rollercoaster24]

Hmmm fights with the BPex

The first fight?

A male friend I had known for years when I met BP, (BP was a friend for some time before we became involved and was the ONLY male friend I have ever had that I entered into a relationship with).

BP hated this friend and decided that he wasn't welcome at my home any longer. I had said "OK, but it is my place to talk to him about this, which I will now".

BP reacted, by jumping out of the shower, and pulling a kitchen knife from the block, whilst standing menacingly in my kitchen window threatening my friend. I had no idea what was going on, because my back was to the window. Once I realised what was going on, I tried to stop anything further from happening, which I succeeded in doing. My friend escaped unharmed, and then BP proceeded to rage and blame me for what had just happened.

I got manipulated and gaslighted into believing it was indeed my fault how he reacted.

Any successive fights thereafter which were usually every 3 days when BP decided to provoke another for any reason?

That he deserved to proceed with a Spanish Inquisition against me, with verbal abuse thrown in, reason? I had male friends for some years before I met and became involved with BP.

Note; I had told BP that I hadn't had relationships or intimacies with any of these friends and never would.

Other reasons? My job and any other males I might come into contact with throughout my day, including male bosses or workplace superiors, men who worked in grocery stores I frequented in my neighbourhood, and men who said Hello to me at my workplace, or looked at my behind without my knowledge.

My job gave him reason to provoke fights.

My Children (older teenagers when I met BP)

My family

My ex, (and Father of my older children)

My pets

My house

My food

My liking for watching DVD movies occasionally as leisure, (BP once ripped my TV plug out of the wall and wrecked the TV).

Once turning on the stereo a little loud, being silly, having fun, whilst dancing with my daughter, (for about 10 minutes one day), this was brought up by BP no less than 200 times over our relationship, apparently we are BAD people for doing that.

My needing to read occasionally

My needing to take walks

My sleeping habits, (and his need to prevent me from sleeping despite my doing split shifts, long hours, hard physical work, and very early morning starts).

My car

My looks

My smile or being nice and pleasant to members of the public at work or otherwise

My money and his lack of it. (I was struggling and working hard on an average income when I met BP and paying high rent plus lots of costs raising 2 teenagers, yet BP kept living at mine for free for the first 2 years, no rent, no utilities and unreliable source of help in ANY way).

My business that I began in July 2013, (BP took all the credit for me having it in the first place, yet his contribution? some free broken vacuum cleaners he found on roadside recycling, (and I had given him petrol money the day before anyway). He picked these up in his own home town where he was staying occasionally with his parents, (we had Long Distance for the 2nd two years) so it didn't cost him a cent. Since the day I started, he has helped with a bit of work, and yet the whole time I was giving him extra money on top of his Unemployment payment every week. I even offered him jobs at extra sites, because he said he only wanted a low income and to be a cleaner since I had trained him.

His attitude was that I OWED HIM BIG TIME

[rollercoaster24]

I FORGOT TO MENTION

My son inlaw!, (daughters fiancé) 

BP hated him from the moment he came to board at my home and waged verbal war against every single thing he did or said or looked like.

Guess who had to listen? Um no I didn't have a choice and if I left or avoided it? BP got very violent and dangerous.

Geez, what the hell do I sit around moping over this for?