30 Days NC, ex wants to meet up.

[Xidion]

So my exBPD texted me today and asked me Why I thought she had BPD. I told her that she should really research it 30 days ago. She is being completely open to it. As i'm texting her explaining her what it is, she says "Would this be easier to talk about in person"? I said most likely. What's going on here? She left me for a replacement 2 months ago, now she wants to meet up with me so I can talk to her about BPD? I told her I'm no medical professional and asked her if she was sure that she wants to hear this from me... she said "You know me the best". Advice please and lots of it.

[NonAverageJoe]

I narrowly escaped an attempted triangulation and/or recycle last night OVER STUFF. I had my stuff and went BACK.

I'm telling you now. Had I not been laying next to her posting on this forum. I don't know what the hell would have happened. Don't do it.

Please man. Don't do it.

[Mutt]

You gave her what you know and there are resources like the internet or she can talk to her MD etc.

I think a better question is. Why does she want you to tell her what she's already been told?

Actions speak louder than words.

I'd wait and see if she follows through on her own with getting advice and help from professionals. I suggest do nothing. Only time will tell.

[AwakenedOne]

In my opinion her contacting you and especially now wanting to meet you has absolutely nothing to do with her supposed thirst for knowledge regarding BPD. My guess it's an attempt to recycle or triangulate.

[HappyNihilist]

There is a chance that she's genuinely curious to see what you think is "wrong" with her. That doesn't necessarily mean that she's curious with the intention of getting help. It could just be her ego talking.

However, I'm more inclined to agree with others here who see it as a potential re-engagement, especially since she wants to meet with you.

My advice would be to tread carefully. You've given her the information you have, and now it's up to her to decide what to do with it. I wouldn't recommend meeting with her.

How are you feeling about all of this?

[hurting300]

Do yourself a favor, at least see what she has to say. What IF she actually wants help. Just see what she wants that way you won't regret anything.

[Xidion]

She is coming over to my place tomorrow night. I'm going to keep things strictly on the topic of BPD and not stray from it.

[Blimblam]

Do what you need to heal.  

If that means reingaging with your ex to see where she is coming from and where you are ar in yourself so be it.  

You don't want to have regrets.  

It's painful no matter what but regrets will haunt you.  

[Blimblam]

You might want to post on the staying section for advice on non triggering communication. 

[hurting300]

She is coming over to my place tomorrow night. I'm going to keep things strictly on the topic of BPD and not stray from it.

Be calm with her man. If she starts blaming and projecting, you tell her to get out. Then you'll know deep down its not going to work.

[paperlung]

Can't you just talk to her about this on the phone?

[Infern0]

So my exBPD texted me today and asked me Why I thought she had BPD. I told her that she should really research it 30 days ago. She is being completely open to it. As i'm texting her explaining her what it is, she says "Would this be easier to talk about in person"? I said most likely. What's going on here? She left me for a replacement 2 months ago, now she wants to meet up with me so I can talk to her about BPD? I told her I'm no medical professional and asked her if she was sure that she wants to hear this from me... she said "You know me the best". Advice please and lots of it.

Mate can I PLEASE give you a red alert warning here because this is virtually identical to my situation.

Mine replaced me and I went no contact after she had split me black.  At around about the same time frame (8 weeks) suddenly she reappeared and wanted to talk. We got to talking about her illness and treatment etc.

First major red flag,  why is she not talking to her boyfriend about this. How would you feel if your girlfriend was texting her ex to meet up and saying "you know me best" etc and asking him for help.

See idealisation phase wears off and when it does,  the relationship becomes unstable.  PwBPD get bored,  Arguments start up,  they begin to devalue the replacement,  the sex leaves the relationship.

At this point you hear from her about wanting help so you try to help.  But after a week or so she is texting you about how she's having problems with her new boyfriend,  how he's sometimes mean to her and upsets her. Shortly after she asks if you can hang out and just have fun.  So you go as a friend but she seems to be making physical contact a lot,  and she's looking into your eyes for a long time. ... .

Next thing you know you are having an affair.

Beware mate.  Beware

[HappyNihilist]

She is coming over to my place tomorrow night. I'm going to keep things strictly on the topic of BPD and not stray from it.

It's good that you have your focus and needs in mind. How will you respond if she tries to change the topic? What is your "escape" plan for if the meeting starts to go somewhere you're not comfortable with?

How are you planning to approach the topic with her? Are you planning a general discussion of BPD, treatment options, etc.? Or are you thinking in terms of her specific behavior and history?

Be prepared for things you say to be misinterpreted and/or questioned. This can be alleviated by using clear, non-triggering communication... .but when you're telling someone you think they have a personality disorder, it's probably going to be triggering in some way. Expect some defensiveness.

Stay in touch with how you're feeling and reacting. Don't be afraid to take a "time out" and collect your thoughts. Take care of yourself. Keep your boundaries and needs in mind.

Address feelings before facts. Remember, for a pwBPD, feelings are facts -- the emotion is felt first, and then the pwBPD assigns a cause/meaning. Address her feelings before moving on. SET is very helpful here.

• Support - an initial statement that begins with "I" and demonstrates concern and a desire to help. "I want to help."



• Empathy - focuses on "you" and communicates an awareness and validation of the pwBPD's feelings. "I can see you're xxxxxx, and I can understand why you might feel that way."



• Truth - an objective statement that focuses on the "it"; realistic and honest assessment of the situation and the pwBPD's role in solving the problem. "This is what will happen."

[hurting300]

Whatever you do, don't enable or baby her. Remember, she hurt you. Be firm and even handed.

[Xidion]

Apparently she is coming over tonight. Keep the advice coming on how to talk to her about it. She seems generally interested. She already admitted to sharing the symptoms of BPD. I want to help her.

[AwakenedOne]

Apparently she is coming over tonight. Keep the advice coming on how to talk to her about it. She seems generally interested. She already admitted to sharing the symptoms of BPD. I want to help her.

My advice to you is to reread what Infern0 said above.