Indifference?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Indifference-lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

I have read that our goal should be indifference towards our ex. However, I don't think that is a goal that I will ever reach. It seems to me that you can't love and/or care about someone and be indifferent towards them at the same time. I feel that as more and more time passes that my ex will be of less and less importance to me. I just don't see me ever being totally indifferent towards her. How does one go about that? Is there a process or is it just more and more time passing? Discuss. 

[fred6]

Indifference-lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

I have read that our goal should be indifference towards our ex. However, I don't think that is a goal that I will ever reach. It seems to me that you can't love and/or care about someone and be indifferent towards them at the same time. I feel that as more and more time passes that my ex will be of less and less importance to me. I just don't see me ever being totally indifferent towards her. How does one go about that? Is there a process or is it just more and more time passing? Discuss. 

[Seriously?]

I cannot be indifferent. What I can do is find peace. What I can do is forgive myself for my part. What I can do is not feel responsible for him anymore.  This experience was life changing,  so expecting indifference from me is unreasonable.  I still have to be who I am. Maybe, for me at least, it's more not letting my thoughts about it cause me emotional turmoil anymore. I dunno.

[lm911]

Yep that should be our goal. I hope someday I reach it.

[BorisAcusio]

Indifference-lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

I have read that our goal should be indifference towards our ex. However, I don't think that is a goal that I will ever reach. It seems to me that you can't love and/or care about someone and be indifferent towards them at the same time. I feel that as more and more time passes that my ex will be of less and less importance to me. I just don't see me ever being totally indifferent towards her. How does one go about that? Is there a process or is it just more and more time passing? Discuss.  

Well, indifference is the letting go of the outcome of a failed attachment.

If you've asked me about this matter just 5 months ago, I would have said that it is impossible, at least for me. As time passing and with redirecting focus on yourself, you gain a whole new perspective. There are breakthroughs, some uncomfortable and painful truths about yourself, setbacks but it's certanainly attainable.  

Actually, reading through the workshop section, and taking notes did more good than spending 7 months ranting and ruminating about what my BPD ex did to me.

[downwhim]

I would like to get him out of my mind so I can feel indifference. He has moved on with replacement. I feel stuck in some ways and try hard to move on myself but for me the process is an uphill battle.

This morning I thought about how I do not know him anymore. His smell, his touch. What it is like to have someone there even if it is confusing and a struggle.

My goal should be indifference and to not wake up and even care or have him the first thing on my mind.

It takes work... .

[going places]

Indifference

NOUN

lack of interest, concern, or sympathy


Lack of Interest.

With every passing day I find myself 'wondering' less and less.

I used to be consumed with thoughts of "is he ok, what is he doing, what's going to happen, did I do this right".

Now? I am focused on anything / everything, but him and his insanity.

Concern

He's a grown arce man.

If he wants to eat fast food everyday and his blood pressure requires meds like his father, brother and grandfather?

So be it. It's not my concern.

If he wants to take dangerous risks because he needs that "thrill to feel alive"?

So be it, it's not my concern.

If he wants to go thru jobs like babies go thru diapers? Sit up all night playing video games and looking at his picture friends on the internet?

I don't care. It's not my concern.

This is now, 100% between him, and God.

This does not / He does not concern me.

Sympathy

the feeling that you care about and are sorry about someone else's trouble, grief, misfortune, etc. : a sympathetic feeling: a feeling of support for something.

No sympathy.

Sympathy is the name of the hook he had in me.

Sympathy is the emotion he exploited to maintain control over me.

This is now between him, and God.

I can find it very unfortunate that the ex made the choices he made, and chose the things he chose.

I can find it very selfish.

I can find it very awful.

But there is no more sympathy for someone who repeatedly chooses things that bring harm to his family.

It has taken me MONTHS (5ish) to get to where I am today.

No contact other than emails about the selling of the house. (2 phone calls in the last 2 weeks but both to do with the house).

Countless hours reading and researching medical and psychology books.

Praying and praying and praying.

Begging God. I mean, begging... .

There is no way NO WAY I would ever ever want to go back to the 'place' I was a year ago.

Never.

Where I am now is 100 times more healthy, for me and my kids.

THAT is all that matters

[hope2727]

I divorced a much beloved husband over a decade ago and my counsellor told me the opposite f love isn't hate its indifference. I took a LONG time to heal from that one but I am in fact indifferent now. Not so much with the more recent relationship that ended (8 months or so)  but I do feel less and less as time passes. So yes indifference comes with time. It is its own form of peace. MY ex husband really never enters my head anymore. His life is his own. I am at peace with it. My ex fiancé well he still rents space. We shall see what happens there in time I guess.

Ok super cold here today so have to go. Hugs all. 

[jhkbuzz]

"Indifference will come when you realize how serious the disordered thought is - and how you contributed to the game and what you needed from it."

-2010

(old post)

[going places]

"Indifference will come when you realize how serious the disordered thought is - and how you contributed to the game and what you needed from it."

-2010

(old post)

Please do expand on this quote! Especially the second half.

My first reaction is to be irritated at the inference that this mental illness / possession was a 'game'... .

However, I could be reading it TOTALLY wrong... .

So, if you would expand on this quote, that would be awesome! Thanks!

[jhkbuzz]

"Indifference will come when you realize how serious the disordered thought is - and how you contributed to the game and what you needed from it."

-2010

(old post)

Please do expand on this quote! Especially the second half.

My first reaction is to be irritated at the inference that this mental illness / possession was a 'game'... .

However, I could be reading it TOTALLY wrong... .

So, if you would expand on this quote, that would be awesome! Thanks!

Not a game in the sense that you interpreted it... .more of the idea that it was a dysfunctional dance that we participated in, not simply a situation that was imposed upon us.  And that's not said with any blame intended; rather, it is the idea that, if we are to fully heal and recover, there must come a point that we look inside ourselves (rather than continually analyzing our BPD partner) to discover what kept us tied to the dysfunction.  Very often it is patterns/old wounds that remain unresolved from our own childhood.

I will try to find the entire quote, but it may take me some time.

[jhkbuzz]

The post was about a man who thought he was moving towards indifference, but was in a situation where he was being triangulated with another boyfriend.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=159993.msg1535537#msg1535537

"Total indifference comes with letting go of the outcome and learning that her belief system is distorted - and that is not at all your fault.  Change of the distorted belief comes from her - not you. The change of your own belief (that you are the better Man for her) is what needs to be let go of.  This is a disorder. No one wins. And certainly, no one wins in a triangle game when the drama moves so quickly back and forth - often at a rate unbeknownst to the other players (the other boyfriend) in the game. The only way to win at this is not to play.  Laughing at the disorder is still playing the game.  Indifference will come when you realize how serious the disordered thought is - and how you contribute to the game and what you need from it."

[going places]

Not a game in the sense that you interpreted it... .more of the idea that it was a dysfunctional dance that we participated in, not simply a situation that was imposed upon us. 

And that's not said with any blame intended; rather, it is the idea that, if we are to fully heal and recover, there must come a point that we look inside ourselves (rather than continually analyzing our BPD partner) to discover what kept us tied to the dysfunction. 

Very often it is patterns/old wounds that remain unresolved from our own childhood.

I will try to find the entire quote, but it may take me some time.

Thank you so much.

Your explanation is on point!

[BorisAcusio]

The post was about a man who thought he was moving towards indifference, but was in a situation where he was being triangulated with another boyfriend.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=159993.msg1535537#msg1535537

"Total indifference comes with letting go of the outcome and learning that her belief system is distorted - and that is not at all your fault.  Change of the distorted belief comes from her - not you. The change of your own belief (that you are the better Man for her) is what needs to be let go of.  This is a disorder. No one wins. And certainly, no one wins in a triangle game when the drama moves so quickly back and forth - often at a rate unbeknownst to the other players (the other boyfriend) in the game. The only way to win at this is not to play.  Laughing at the disorder is still playing the game.  Indifference will come when you realize how serious the disordered thought is - and how you contribute to the game and what you need from it."

Another gem from 2010:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223179.msg12417357#msg12417357

[jhkbuzz]

The post was about a man who thought he was moving towards indifference, but was in a situation where he was being triangulated with another boyfriend.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=159993.msg1535537#msg1535537

"Total indifference comes with letting go of the outcome and learning that her belief system is distorted - and that is not at all your fault.  Change of the distorted belief comes from her - not you. The change of your own belief (that you are the better Man for her) is what needs to be let go of.  This is a disorder. No one wins. And certainly, no one wins in a triangle game when the drama moves so quickly back and forth - often at a rate unbeknownst to the other players (the other boyfriend) in the game. The only way to win at this is not to play.  Laughing at the disorder is still playing the game.  Indifference will come when you realize how serious the disordered thought is - and how you contribute to the game and what you need from it."

Another gem from 2010:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=223179.msg12417357#msg12417357

I found 2010's posts so insightful and healing that I actually copied and pasted most of them into a word document.  I think the document is something like 110 pages long!  

[Mutt]

I just don't see me ever being totally indifferent towards her. How does one go about that?

I'm indifferent towards my ex's behaviors, much of her behaviors are driven by the disorder. I think what's key, indifference and de-personalizing  behaviors and less so the person.

Her behaviors are not personal to me, I took the time to learn about BPD and why she acts out.

So yes indifference comes with time.

I agree. It can be a goal and it takes time. I also worked on myself in T and on these boards.

Are you in T fred6?

[fred6]

I just don't see me ever being totally indifferent towards her. How does one go about that?

I'm indifferent towards my ex's behaviors, much of her behaviors are driven by the disorder. I think what's key, indifference and de-personalizing  behaviors and less so the person.

Her behaviors are not personal to me, I took the time to learn about BPD and why she acts out.

So yes indifference comes with time.

I agree. It can be a goal and it takes time. I also worked on myself in T and on these boards.

Are you in T fred6?

No, not in T Mutt. Money is tight right now and my bills have almost doubled. Indifference just seems not possible for some reason. I guess that I'm not far enough into this process. I've only been moved out for 14 weeks. Seems like a hell of a lot longer than that though, .

[peiper]

Indifference-lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

I have read that our goal should be indifference towards our ex. However, I don't think that is a goal that I will ever reach. It seems to me that you can't love and/or care about someone and be indifferent towards them at the same time. I feel that as more and more time passes that my ex will be of less and less importance to me. I just don't see me ever being totally indifferent towards her. How does one go about that? Is there a process or is it just more and more time passing? Discuss. 

For myself it was more finding a way to become indffrent to old feelings i held. She was a fraud but I helped perpetuate the fraud

[Trog]

Indifference-lack of interest, concern, or sympathy.

I have read that our goal should be indifference towards our ex. However, I don't think that is a goal that I will ever reach. It seems to me that you can't love and/or care about someone and be indifferent towards them at the same time. I feel that as more and more time passes that my ex will be of less and less importance to me. I just don't see me ever being totally indifferent towards her. How does one go about that? Is there a process or is it just more and more time passing? Discuss. 

The day I truly saw that this person didn't have my best intentions at heart, in fact, that she was actively trying to hurt me or is just so incredibly insensitive that she can't help but be hurtful, the process of becoming indifferent started to happen. I am indifferent about her and her life, I am not indifferent about what happens to me from here on out, I am not indifferent about learning lessons but my only focus now is me and I believe that leaves me indifferent to her. I genuinely don't care if she is seeing or sleeping with someone else, I am sure she must be, I don't care what she thinks or says about me, the only time I care is if it would impact my life and as she is blocked from all areas of my life, she doesn't impact me. As the song says, she's somebody that I used to know, nothing more.

I try to sit with the feeling now if I think about her, I just tried now, but no anger rises, no emotions, a slight creepy feeling maybe but the intense pain from all those months ago is gone. I still find it very interesting though, my recovery from this interests me hugely and my future for 2015 without her looks infinitely brighter. I am fortunate we have no children, hat is a whole other hurdle, luckily I can go Nc and stay that way. There's a whole new life to build.

[jhkbuzz]

I'm indifferent towards my ex's behaviors, much of her behaviors are driven by the disorder. I think what's key, indifference and de-personalizing  behaviors and less so the person.

Her behaviors are not personal to me, I took the time to learn about BPD and why she acts out.

That's a really good way to look at it -I never thought about that before.  I've always wondered how I could be indifferent towards someone I loved and thought I'd spend my life with.  So the key is not indifference towards her, it's that radical acceptance that her behaviors are compulsive and don't really have anything to do with me.

Makes sense, but that's still hard... .

[going places]

I'm indifferent towards my ex's behaviors, much of her behaviors are driven by the disorder. I think what's key, indifference and de-personalizing  behaviors and less so the person.

I've had church folks tell me "hate the sin, not the sinner, because they too are created in the Image of God".

True.

However, even God allows people to chose and live with the consequences of their choices (Romans 1-2)

For 2 years (post affair) I tried to "love the sinner, forgive the sin".

And that, is almost impossible to do when the "sinner" continues to make the same choices over and over and chooses to abuse and neglect.

The Woman at the Well.

Jesus told her "go and sin no more"... .

Did He love her? Yes.

Did He love her sin? NO

Did He call her out? YES

Did she stop? YES.

Indifference helps the abused detach and clearly see that RE-connecting would be like drinking poison.

I am not suggesting "hating" the person or staying "angry" with the person.

Those two emotions have a time and place... .but they cannot take up residency in our hearts and minds because they will destroy US.

Indifference by definition, means THEY are no longer the priority.

A relationship with THEM is no longer a reality, or priority.

For me personally? To shut down completely ANY chance of a recycle... .I had to (1) make him so mad he would never come around again (2) become indifferent towards him.

Later, and by the Grace of God, the forgiveness will flow like a river (instead of a seasonal creek :-) and Peace will reign and rule day in and day out.

Until then, indifference is what is needed.

[milo1967]

Indifference to me is also the Holy Grail but I don't believe I will really ever get there, fully: before the plunge into BPD hell (devaluation, replacement and discard), my XW was really the love of my life (at least thus far), my best friend, she is the mother of my children, and we really did experience so many happy and important times together.

Plus it is just not my nature to let go. I am a brooder.

But: I am working on it, and I am so much better than I was three, two, and one year ago. So I am heading in the right direction. What seems to work for me is feeling sorry for her: she still infuriates me, as coparenting with her is simply not possible due to her disorder and I still harbor a huge amount of anger and the hurt of betrayal. But the times I can look at her as almost separate from her disorder--there is "her," and "it," the disorder--I feel release and relief. These moments have appeared more and more frequently.

So while I do have many setbacks, as long as I know I am moving in a generally linear fashion toward "semi-indifference," that's about the best I can expect of myself.