Boundary fears

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Was out last night and found myself afraid that, once again, I might "run into her."  Found myself scanning the bar I was in to make sure, if she was there, that I would see her first.

The fear of running into her feels almost paralyzing... .but as I was thinking about it this morning I realized that I'm not actually afraid of her.  At all. 

What I'm afraid of is my own inability to maintain my boundaries if I see her.  To remain firm in my conviction that, no matter how much I may have loved her or wanted our relationship to work in the past, her BPD makes her an emotionally dangerous person to allow back into my life in any way, shape or form.

Once I have radically accepted the disorder and all the resulting implications to my life - and accept it 110% - the fear will be gone.

More work to be done.  I'm not afraid of her at all.  I'm afraid of myself.

[jhkbuzz]

Was out last night and found myself afraid that, once again, I might "run into her."  Found myself scanning the bar I was in to make sure, if she was there, that I would see her first.

The fear of running into her feels almost paralyzing... .but as I was thinking about it this morning I realized that I'm not actually afraid of her.  At all. 

What I'm afraid of is my own inability to maintain my boundaries if I see her.  To remain firm in my conviction that, no matter how much I may have loved her or wanted our relationship to work in the past, her BPD makes her an emotionally dangerous person to allow back into my life in any way, shape or form.

Once I have radically accepted the disorder and all the resulting implications to my life - and accept it 110% - the fear will be gone.

More work to be done.  I'm not afraid of her at all.  I'm afraid of myself.

[Mutt]

Radical acceptance is a good goal. Another tool is mindfulness when we worry about things we can't control.  Fear is anticipating a future event that may or may not happen.

Perhaps you may be further along in your healing and running into her will be less triggering. You may not run into her as well. It's uncertain. I suggest mindfulness and shift focus in the present, it lessens anxiety and stress of events that are yet to unfold.

Being present our choices are endless. Let go of what you can't control - the future.

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

[jhkbuzz]

Radical acceptance is a good goal. Another tool is mindfulness when we worry about things we can't control. Fear is anticipating a future event that may or may not happen.

Perhaps you may be further along in your healing and running into her will be less triggering. You may not run into her as well. It's uncertain. I suggest mindfulness and shift focus in the present, it lessens anxiety and stress of events that are yet to unfold.

Being present our choices are endless. Let go of what you can't control - the future.

TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Thank you for the reading suggestion... .I seem to be doing that a lot these days

You said that it is helpful to engage in mindfulness "when we worry about things we can't control."  The truth is that I'm not as worried about what I can't control (running into her unexpectedly) as I am worried about what I can control (my feelings and my behavior if I do run into her).  THAT'S what I am worried about having control over. And that was the realization behind the post.

And, unfortunately, my fear is not completely unfounded - I was out in a part of town that we used to frequent regularly.  In fact, I ran into her in that part of town two months after the breakup - and she was on a date.  

[downwhim]

Mutt, I am reading this too and not really understanding what your advise is.

I too am afraid of running into my ex. We live close to one another and I am moving but can't until June.

I did not go out to hear two bands on New Years with a girlfriend for fear of running into him. I won't punch him or confront him or her it's that I feel I will hurt so much and the pain will set me back.

[Mutt]

I am worried about what I can control (my feelings and my behavior if I do run into her).  THAT'S what I am worried about having control over. And that was the realization behind the post.

And, unfortunately, my fear is not completely unfounded - I was out in a part of town that we used to frequent regularly.  In fact, I ran into her in that part of town two months after the breakup - and she was on a date.  shocked

Ok. I'm sorry I got it wrong.

You're scared of how you may react presently.

Why are you going to areas you used to frequent together? Is there something there that's absolutely necessary that's not in another part of town?

I had a hard time going to streets, festivities, restaurants etc my ex and I used to frequent.

I avoided them.

When I felt I had grieved the r/s and go without being triggered, I resumed going to these place. Certain festivities I used to like I go to now. It's not to say it doesn't trigger memories for me sometimes she I go, it is to say I can cope.

How about going to different areas of town for awhile. Until you feel better. You may react differently?

I did not go out to hear two bands on New Years with a girlfriend for fear of running into him. I won't punch him or confront him or her it's that I feel I will hurt so much and the pain will set me back.

Case in point jhkbuzz.

[jhkbuzz]

I am worried about what I can control (my feelings and my behavior if I do run into her).  THAT'S what I am worried about having control over. And that was the realization behind the post.

And, unfortunately, my fear is not completely unfounded - I was out in a part of town that we used to frequent regularly.  In fact, I ran into her in that part of town two months after the breakup - and she was on a date.  shocked

Ok. I'm sorry I got it wrong.

You're scared of how you may react presently.

Why are you going to areas you used to frequent together? Is there something there that's absolutely necessary that's not in another part of town?

I had a hard time going to streets, festivities, restaurants etc my ex and I used to frequent.

I avoided them.

When I felt I had grieved the r/s and go without being triggered, I resumed going to these place. Certain festivities I used to like I go to now. It's not to say it doesn't trigger memories for me sometimes she I go, it is to say I can cope.

How about going to different areas of town for awhile. Until you feel better. You may react differently?

I did not go out to hear two bands on New Years with a girlfriend for fear of running into him. I won't punch him or confront him or her it's that I feel I will hurt so much and the pain will set me back.

Case in point jhkbuzz.

No need to apologize.   

Yes, afraid of how I would react presently.  I guess I could avoid going downtown... .but I am spending time with friends who also like to go downtown... .so I don't exactly want to sit home.  Plus I'm stubborn, !

I think that the minute I decide with 100% certainty that I won't get involved with her ever again is when all of my fear will completely dissipate.  If I'm 100% certain then it won't matter what she says or does if I run into her - I will have already made an unambiguous decision about what I want in my life.

So I am at 95%... .still working on the last 5%.