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Author Topic: What is the worst thing I said or did to my BPD exSO  (Read 5749 times)
Deeno02
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« Reply #30 on: January 04, 2015, 12:35:13 PM »

Damn shame I was emasculated like that out of fear of being alone.

Was it really fear of being alone Deeno?  For me it was fear that she might be right, that nagging inner doubt, which sparked a desire to prove her, and myself, wrong.  Not a bad drive really, except I was playing a game that was rigged and didn't know it at the time, until it got so painful I saw no choice but to take my ball and go home.

Indeed. I got the your a bad boyfriend speech so much, i thought i was. Im not perfect by any means, but i loved her and those kids as best as i could. Wasnt good enough. I wasnt good enough.

As long as you also realize that it is impossible to be "good enough" with a borderline; if you were you wouldn't be serving your purpose.

I believe it is/was. One thing I'm working on with my T. I don't mind alone, but I miss the couple aspect. The partner. I was an only child, left alone a lot and mom worked all the time so even when she was home she was too crapped out to do anything. When my wife left and broke up our family, I was empty. 15 months later, there she is and I didn't want to blow it and have her leave either. So I sucked it up and dealt with it. No boundaries, total door mat. Plus I felt I was in love with her. I know now that I was good enough at the TIME, but that wore off and I became a hinderence
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« Reply #31 on: January 04, 2015, 12:55:38 PM »

Damn shame I was emasculated like that out of fear of being alone.

Was it really fear of being alone Deeno?  For me it was fear that she might be right, that nagging inner doubt, which sparked a desire to prove her, and myself, wrong.  Not a bad drive really, except I was playing a game that was rigged and didn't know it at the time, until it got so painful I saw no choice but to take my ball and go home.

I can relate to this very much!  He found those insecurities in me and exploited them.  By the end I had zero faith in myself or my own thoughts and feelings.  It was truly a miracle that I got the hell out of there!


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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #32 on: January 04, 2015, 01:13:37 PM »

Excerpt
Damn shame I was emasculated like that out of fear of being alone.

Was it really fear of being alone Deeno?  For me it was fear that she might be right, that nagging inner doubt, which sparked a desire to prove her, and myself, wrong.  Not a bad drive really, except I was playing a game that was rigged and didn't know it at the time, until it got so painful I saw no choice but to take my ball and go home.

I can relate to this very much!  He found those insecurities in me and exploited them.  By the end I had zero faith in myself or my own thoughts and feelings.  It was truly a miracle that I got the hell out of there!

Yep.  I have an anxious attachment style Pingo, and learning that and how it meshes with a borderline has been profound for me, even beyond personality disorders to folks in general, specifically ones with avoidant styles; you might check that out if you haven't yet.  Bottom line we need lots of assurances in relationships, and someone who exploits our insecurities is exactly the opposite of what we need.  of course the other piece is boundaries; people only screw with us when we let them.

Deeno's focus is different, one that involves not being alone primarily, and as per usual, things mean what we make them mean, a matter of focus and beliefs.  Isn't it great that we're all digging into this stuff?  Something to thank our exes for, motivation to dig and grow; it's a brand new world!
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« Reply #33 on: January 04, 2015, 01:23:18 PM »

Yep.  I have an anxious attachment style Pingo, and learning that and how it meshes with a borderline has been profound for me, even beyond personality disorders to folks in general, specifically ones with avoidant styles; you might check that out if you haven't yet.  Bottom line we need lots of assurances in relationships, and someone who exploits our insecurities is exactly the opposite of what we need.  of course the other piece is boundaries; people only screw with us when we let them.

fromheeltoheal, I have read 3 books now on attachment theory and I STILL don't really know what mine is Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  Or actually what my ex's was.  He seemed to be 'anxious' as he was always wanting me nearby, controlling me, etc.  But at the same time he was so secretive and kept things from me, giving me ST a lot, which would be 'avoidant'.   But it doesn't matter what he was or what I am, I will know by my gut what feels right and what feels wrong and I just have to listen to it.  I know I am insecure and need consistency so if someone doesn't show me this, I'll feel it right away.  I already got a 'test run' of this a while back and my gut was spot on!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Deeno02
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« Reply #34 on: January 04, 2015, 01:39:07 PM »

Yep.  I have an anxious attachment style Pingo, and learning that and how it meshes with a borderline has been profound for me, even beyond personality disorders to folks in general, specifically ones with avoidant styles; you might check that out if you haven't yet.  Bottom line we need lots of assurances in relationships, and someone who exploits our insecurities is exactly the opposite of what we need.  of course the other piece is boundaries; people only screw with us when we let them.

fromheeltoheal, I have read 3 books now on attachment theory and I STILL don't really know what mine is Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  Or actually what my ex's was.  He seemed to be 'anxious' as he was always wanting me nearby, controlling me, etc.  But at the same time he was so secretive and kept things from me, giving me ST a lot, which would be 'avoidant'.   But it doesn't matter what he was or what I am, I will know by my gut what feels right and what feels wrong and I just have to listen to it.  I know I am insecure and need consistency so if someone doesn't show me this, I'll feel it right away.  I already got a 'test run' of this a while back and my gut was spot on!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Makes sense. Although I think she played on me as well. When it seemed like I may have been pulling away or trying a boundary, I would get the bad boyfriend speech. Wow! Putting the pieces together. Clever people how they have so many facets of manipulation. What a moron I was.
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« Reply #35 on: January 04, 2015, 01:43:30 PM »

Makes sense. Although I think she played on me as well. When it seemed like I may have been pulling away or trying a boundary, I would get the bad boyfriend speech. Wow! Putting the pieces together. Clever people how they have so many facets of manipulation. What a moron I was.

You weren't a moron (or else we all were morons)!  You had a vulnerability and she found it and exploited it.  Now you are aware of it and can take care of yourself better.
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« Reply #36 on: January 04, 2015, 01:58:24 PM »

Makes sense. Although I think she played on me as well. When it seemed like I may have been pulling away or trying a boundary, I would get the bad boyfriend speech. Wow! Putting the pieces together. Clever people how they have so many facets of manipulation. What a moron I was.

You weren't a moron (or else we all were morons)!  You had a vulnerability and she found it and exploited it.  Now you are aware of it and can take care of yourself better.

If it wouldn't have been that, it may well have been something else.

That's on her, not you. Remember, you were also in the FOG back then.

Much of clearing that away is seeing yourself through your eyes, not hers.
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« Reply #37 on: January 04, 2015, 02:18:34 PM »

The worst thing i've said to her was that everyone would be better off without her and that she should commit suicide, to which i thereafter (and still do) referred to as her "doing the right thing". I still feel this away and would not shed one tear if she went through with it. There would be a joyous relief of never having to deal with her again.
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« Reply #38 on: January 04, 2015, 02:38:52 PM »

The worst thing i've said to her was that everyone would be better off without her and that she should commit suicide, to which i thereafter (and still do) referred to as her "doing the right thing". I still feel this away and would not shed one tear if she went through with it. There would be a joyous relief of never having to deal with her again.

I recongnize that. I was kind of stuck with my wife for the last couple of years because I scared of her getting custody of our baby daughter (even half custody would have been a disaster).

When she committed herself because she was suicidal, I told calmly told her "Yeah, you'd better do that". I was not one bit upset or (frankly) compassionate.

When she was in hospital I wished they would keep her. I was called in to attend some kind of "talk" when she was to be discharged and I must have come across as terribly indifferent.

I regret being like that to someone, but I was kind of cornered really.
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fromheeltoheal
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« Reply #39 on: January 04, 2015, 02:50:39 PM »

fromheeltoheal, I have read 3 books now on attachment theory and I STILL don't really know what mine is Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  Or actually what my ex's was.  He seemed to be 'anxious' as he was always wanting me nearby, controlling me, etc.  But at the same time he was so secretive and kept things from me, giving me ST a lot, which would be 'avoidant'.   But it doesn't matter what he was or what I am, I will know by my gut what feels right and what feels wrong and I just have to listen to it.  I know I am insecure and need consistency so if someone doesn't show me this, I'll feel it right away.  I already got a 'test run' of this a while back and my gut was spot on!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, our gut is never wrong, we just choose to listen to it or not, and I voluntarily ignored it in my relationship with a borderline, even though it was screaming at me.  It's called gut feel and not gut thought for a reason though, it speaks to us in feelings not thoughts, and sometimes more info can be useful, it can help our head, heart and gut get on the same page.

A personality disorder is not an attachment style, so trying to put a borderline, a relatively small percentage of the population, into an attachment style is counterproductive, since they're all over the map.  But the thing I like about attachment styles is everyone has one, 100% of the population, so the odds are much greater that we'll get with someone complementary, instead of those pesky PD's, now that we're all educated and experienced and such.

So in a nutshell, people with anxious styles are anxious about the relationship, how their partner feels, and whether or not the bond is strong, so we need assurances.

People with avoidant styles, as the label implies, avoid intimacy and closeness, and want 'space' and independence.

And people with secure styles want intimacy and emotional closeness, but aren't anxious about it, and express their wants and needs openly and easily.  And people with secure styles are the majority.

There's more to it than that, but not much, and the bottom line is an anxious/avoidant paring is a bad mix, with neither partner getting their needs and wants met sustainably.  A borderline in devaluation mode acts very avoidant, which is why I got so anxious, although a personality disorder is a whole lot more than an attachment style, so although the traits of an avoidant style were there for a time, that doesn't really count.

Sidebar: I had a girlfriend 30 years ago who was married for a long time and got divorced, and I had left my borderline ex, so we got together, me looking for validation, compassion and empathy, the things I didn't get from the borderline and needed.  I wasn't looking to try and rekindle anything, I was just looking for a friend to talk to, but discovered I wasn't getting what I needed from her because although she doesn't have the traits of a personality disorder, she has an avoidant style, which was off-putting for me but also explained to me why we didn't work out 30 years ago.  This stuff is valuable moving forward.
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« Reply #40 on: January 04, 2015, 03:01:14 PM »

My first date with my ex, I was telling myself all the way home she was crazy. Lol I don't have any clue why I called her the next day.
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In the eye for an eye game, he who cares least, wins. I, for one. am never stepping into the ring with someone who is impulsive and doesn't think of the downstream consequences.
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« Reply #41 on: January 04, 2015, 03:07:50 PM »

My first date with my ex, I was telling myself all the way home she was crazy. Lol I don't have any clue why I called her the next day.

'Crazy' can be exciting. Intoxicating.

Until we get too caught up or hurt by it.

And until it brings out too much of our own.
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Deeno02
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« Reply #42 on: January 04, 2015, 04:01:47 PM »

fromheeltoheal, I have read 3 books now on attachment theory and I STILL don't really know what mine is Laugh out loud (click to insert in post).  Or actually what my ex's was.  He seemed to be 'anxious' as he was always wanting me nearby, controlling me, etc.  But at the same time he was so secretive and kept things from me, giving me ST a lot, which would be 'avoidant'.   But it doesn't matter what he was or what I am, I will know by my gut what feels right and what feels wrong and I just have to listen to it.  I know I am insecure and need consistency so if someone doesn't show me this, I'll feel it right away.  I already got a 'test run' of this a while back and my gut was spot on!  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Yes, our gut is never wrong, we just choose to listen to it or not, and I voluntarily ignored it in my relationship with a borderline, even though it was screaming at me.  It's called gut feel and not gut thought for a reason though, it speaks to us in feelings not thoughts, and sometimes more info can be useful, it can help our head, heart and gut get on the same page.

A personality disorder is not an attachment style, so trying to put a borderline, a relatively small percentage of the population, into an attachment style is counterproductive, since they're all over the map.  But the thing I like about attachment styles is everyone has one, 100% of the population, so the odds are much greater that we'll get with someone complementary, instead of those pesky PD's, now that we're all educated and experienced and such.

So in a nutshell, people with anxious styles are anxious about the relationship, how their partner feels, and whether or not the bond is strong, so we need assurances.

People with avoidant styles, as the label implies, avoid intimacy and closeness, and want 'space' and independence.

And people with secure styles want intimacy and emotional closeness, but aren't anxious about it, and express their wants and needs openly and easily.  And people with secure styles are the majority.

There's more to it than that, but not much, and the bottom line is an anxious/avoidant paring is a bad mix, with neither partner getting their needs and wants met sustainably.  A borderline in devaluation mode acts very avoidant, which is why I got so anxious, although a personality disorder is a whole lot more than an attachment style, so although the traits of an avoidant style were there for a time, that doesn't really count.

Sidebar: I had a girlfriend 30 years ago who was married for a long time and got divorced, and I had left my borderline ex, so we got together, me looking for validation, compassion and empathy, the things I didn't get from the borderline and needed.  I wasn't looking to try and rekindle anything, I was just looking for a friend to talk to, but discovered I wasn't getting what I needed from her because although she doesn't have the traits of a personality disorder, she has an avoidant style, which was off-putting for me but also explained to me why we didn't work out 30 years ago.  This stuff is valuable moving forward.

Instinct and skill got me through numerous combat tours. My love life? Yeah, not so much... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #43 on: January 04, 2015, 04:14:30 PM »

I don't know that these are the "worst" things I said or did... .but there are two things I think about a lot.

One is that I think I was invalidating, especially in the last year of our relationship.  I didn't know she was BPD, and therefore wasn't aware of the "facts are feelings" dynamic.  So I kept trying to convince her of things... .especially when her feelings colored her memories of an event, which I now know is quite common. I wish I had known "SET" techniques back than.

The other is that I spent the last year trying to figure out what was "wrong" with her.  I began to recognize her "parts of self" (vulnerable child, impulsive/angry child, detached protector, etc.) but because she was describing some memory loss at the time I thought she might have DID. She picked up on my tendency to analyze her and became understandably uncomfortable with it. I mean, I sure as hell wouldn't want anyone in my life analyzing me.  But I'm not too hard on myself about any of it at this point... .she was on round 2 (3? 4?) of her cheating, and was lying compulsively.

I should have just bailed.


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« Reply #44 on: January 04, 2015, 04:40:19 PM »

Absolutely became a doormat. She would start her your a bad boyfriend speech and I would either A. Agree totally B. Water down my response C. Apologize profusely D. Head down say nothing.

Damn shame I was emasculated like that out of fear of being alone.

The strangest thing to me is that I am NOT a doormat - I'm an assertive person.  And for the first four years of our relationship, that's definitely who I was. 

But after the infidelity everything changed. Not only were we financially tied together at that time, but if I had kicked her out after the cheating (which would have typically been my default response, I think), she would have taken my step-daughter with her. I loved my SD and didn't want to send her off to live with her mother; god only knows what parade of her mother's relationships she would have had to endure through her teenage years.  As it was, when she was a toddler she had to live through years of one of her mother's physically violent partners. I couldn't draw that boundary, that "if you do it again you're out" line in the sand without sacrificing my SD. And once I didn't do it the first time, it's almost like it was a license for her to do what she pleased. Over time my assertiveness eroded... .I became anxious and stressed.

God, what a horrible way to live.

Remind me again of what exactly it is that I miss?... .
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« Reply #45 on: January 04, 2015, 05:00:18 PM »

Oh boy. The list may be too long to put down in one go. I will fully admit, I was not a good boyfriend the first time we got together. I was kind of a jerk. I was hypocritical, irresponsible, selfish, and immature. So here we go.



  • At the end of our relationship, I would go out to a bar after work and flirt with other women. Never actually cheated on her, but it was wrong, and it would have devastated her if she found out.


  • I ignored her when she needed me.


  • I refused to make nice with her sister and put my ex in the middle of our fights.


  • I yelled at her. I mean a lot. It's how I was raised with my dad. I didn't really have an appreciation for how traumatic it can be for other people that aren't used to it.


  • I absolutely refused to lose a fight with her. My focus was on being right, instead of trying to fix problems.


  • I called her quite a few names that I regret.


  • I acted without regard for how my actions would affect her or our relationship.




I really did play my part in the relationship being bad. And I did a lot of things I wish I could have taken back.
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« Reply #46 on: January 04, 2015, 07:04:31 PM »

I said the worst thing to my ex I've ever said to anyone.  Actually, it probably is the worst thing I've ever done in my life.

My ex had said something hurtful to me one night when she was probably dysregulating (I knew nothing about BPD at the time), and in anger I shot back with something unimaginably hurtful.  Something from her past that she had done, was extremely ashamed about, and had shared with me in the deepest of confidence and trust - and I threw it in her face in the most awful of ways.  As soon as I said it I bitterly regretted it, but some words can't be taken back.  I will never forget the look of pain on her face and the sadness in her eyes.  She was crushed.  In my anger I had went for the jugular and I'd found it.

She forgave me for it, but I don't know that I've ever been able to forgive myself.  I'd give anything to take it back.  It was a truly heartless and cruel thing to do, especially to someone who deeply loved me and trusted me.  That was really the only mean and hurtful thing I ever did in our relationship, but it was a seriously awful one.

The moral: be careful of what you say and think before you speak.  Some words really can't ever be taken back and some words can hurt more than any physical blow.
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« Reply #47 on: January 04, 2015, 07:36:25 PM »

After I caught her cheating I called her an "unadultured piece of trash" and told her all she was to people was a "piece of meat" and she would continue to be until she found a better best friend and learned how to "become a lady".  I also sent sex pictures to the guy she cheated with and followed that up with an email to her about BPD. I was just as crazy as her at this point. I was sane enough to know that the only way I was going to get away from her was to piss her off enough to move on. I regret that I did this but it worked. She called the cops on me and we haven't spoken since.
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« Reply #48 on: January 05, 2015, 01:15:47 AM »

After I caught her cheating I called her an "unadultured piece of trash" and told her all she was to people was a "piece of meat" and she would continue to be until she found a better best friend and learned how to "become a lady".  I also sent sex pictures to the guy she cheated with and followed that up with an email to her about BPD. I was just as crazy as her at this point. I was sane enough to know that the only way I was going to get away from her was to piss her off enough to move on. I regret that I did this but it worked. She called the cops on me and we haven't spoken since.

I can relate to this, I never went that far as to message them.  She has called the cops on me accusing stalking etc. 

Still haven't been interviewed, still hasn't been followed up by Police.  It was funny when she was accusing me of all of that stuff, I

Funny how these relationships bring out the worst in you.  Certainly did in me. 


AJJ. 
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« Reply #49 on: January 05, 2015, 06:45:51 AM »

My big regret is that I accepted and put up with behaviours I never should have put up with. I helped reinforce his bad behaviour. I was an enabler and this added so much fuel to his BPD. The behaviours that make it worse - I think I did them all, and that was down to me and my issues, not him.

The last 3-4 years of my marriage I don't look back on with much pride at my behaviour. I got so worn out by his behaviour that I sort of just gave up. I became passive aggressive, with holding, non communicative. Not a person that anyone would have wanted to be with. I am ashamed when I look back but I also think I was at the end of my rope. I had been told so much that I was this awful person, that I thought - heck might as well be that person.

Lots of things I would like to be able to change, now I just work on accepting and forgiving myself and my ex.
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« Reply #50 on: January 05, 2015, 09:40:39 AM »

After I caught her cheating I called her an "unadultured piece of trash" and told her all she was to people was a "piece of meat" and she would continue to be until she found a better best friend and learned how to "become a lady".  I also sent sex pictures to the guy she cheated with and followed that up with an email to her about BPD. I was just as crazy as her at this point. I was sane enough to know that the only way I was going to get away from her was to piss her off enough to move on. I regret that I did this but it worked. She called the cops on me and we haven't spoken since.

I did something similar when she was trying to get me jealous talking about the married guy she was chasing to replace me. I told her the only thing she has to offer to anyone is sex. She had a mini-melt down and started crying saying that i was right. It was pretty weird.
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« Reply #51 on: January 05, 2015, 10:14:39 AM »

I don't really have much to regret about my own behavior, but did once call her by her mother's name (intentionally).

I thought her head was going to explode.  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #52 on: January 05, 2015, 12:45:13 PM »

Instinct and skill got me through numerous combat tours. My love life? Yeah, not so much... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I actually had to read this a couple of times because when I look back my love life was somewhat equal to being my "combat tours."

(not to be flip.) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #53 on: January 05, 2015, 01:04:02 PM »

Instinct and skill got me through numerous combat tours. My love life? Yeah, not so much... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I actually had to read this a couple of times because when I look back my love life was somewhat equal to being my "combat tours."

(not to be flip.) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Your not... .Just wish I would have listened to my gut. I wouldnt be in this mess... .
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« Reply #54 on: January 05, 2015, 01:09:23 PM »

Instinct and skill got me through numerous combat tours. My love life? Yeah, not so much... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I actually had to read this a couple of times because when I look back my love life was somewhat equal to being my "combat tours."

(not to be flip.) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Your not... .Just wish I would have listened to my gut. I wouldnt be in this mess... .

You didn't then but you certainly will now! The lessons we are learning, right? Even though we didn't ASK to learn anything? We are growing. We will be stronger.
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Deeno02
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1526



« Reply #55 on: January 05, 2015, 01:18:19 PM »

Instinct and skill got me through numerous combat tours. My love life? Yeah, not so much... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I actually had to read this a couple of times because when I look back my love life was somewhat equal to being my "combat tours."

(not to be flip.) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Your not... .Just wish I would have listened to my gut. I wouldnt be in this mess... .

You didn't then but you certainly will now! The lessons we are learning, right? Even though we didn't ASK to learn anything? We are growing. We will be stronger.

God, wish I had your motivation DF. I still feel like Ive been run over by a tank!... Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)
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Elpis
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married 30+ years
Posts: 349



WWW
« Reply #56 on: January 13, 2015, 03:26:05 PM »

Instinct and skill got me through numerous combat tours. My love life? Yeah, not so much... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I actually had to read this a couple of times because when I look back my love life was somewhat equal to being my "combat tours."

(not to be flip.) Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Your not... .Just wish I would have listened to my gut. I wouldnt be in this mess... .

You didn't then but you certainly will now! The lessons we are learning, right? Even though we didn't ASK to learn anything? We are growing. We will be stronger.

God, wish I had your motivation DF. I still feel like Ive been run over by a tank!... Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Honestly Deeno, I often feel that way too. I just have to keep giving myself pep-talks!
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EaglesJuju
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1654



« Reply #57 on: January 13, 2015, 03:39:17 PM »

Staff only

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .
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