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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Facebook; to remain public or to hide all posts  (Read 891 times)
Pou
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« Reply #30 on: January 02, 2015, 08:27:25 AM »

just something I have been thinking …. can the behaviors of PDs be so irrational actually have rational basis, it is just that they don't let us in their world and we can not piece things together.  I think at best, they are masters of deceit and therefore consequently that lead to many "irrational" behaviors.
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Targeted
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« Reply #31 on: January 02, 2015, 08:31:22 AM »

Facebook is well known to do its part in destroying healthy relationships and marriages, I don't even see the need to question what you should do about Facebook in a relationship already destroyed! What percentage of your friends on Facebook actually swing by or ask you over for a cup of coffee? What percentage of the " Friends "  you have on Facebook actually give you a call to see how you are doing? Are they really friends?  Cutting ties with somebody I think should mean closing windows into your life, if they are going to look at you through a friend on a social media or vice versa then there is a part of the relationship that still exists, if these are really your friends then they will understand Facebook is completely meaningless and they will call and or have a cup of coffee with you!

Those are just my thoughts though,
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JRT
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« Reply #32 on: January 02, 2015, 08:31:49 AM »

Why are you a bad person if you cut her off of FB? You are setting boundaries. That is a good thing.

You said she has hurt you and your daughter yet you also sound like you want her back. Why?

That was in response to 'enlighten me'

I have always held a special place in my heart for the people that I used to date and told that I loved them. But this one? Want her back? NOT AT ALL - you read that one wrong. We are dealing with the pain that our BPD's have caused us from our relationships with them and subsequent breakups. In so far as they have variations on their behavior, we all have our different ways of coping with the wake of what has occurred. I admit, I would like to give her a parting shot or two (it would be nice to have an audience with her to tell her what I REALLY think of her and what she had done) so that her sense of power and control are eliminated and/or she is able to feel some consequence for her actions.

I think indifference is the traditional goal but I really don't think I am ever going to get there and I am ok with that. I still hate Hitler too.

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JRT
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« Reply #33 on: January 02, 2015, 08:38:27 AM »

Facebook is well known to do its part in destroying healthy relationships and marriages, I don't even see the need to question what you should do about Facebook in a relationship already destroyed! What percentage of your friends on Facebook actually swing by or ask you over for a cup of coffee? What percentage of the " Friends "  you have on Facebook actually give you a call to see how you are doing? Are they really friends?  Cutting ties with somebody I think should mean closing windows into your life, if they are going to look at you through a friend on a social media or vice versa then there is a part of the relationship that still exists, if these are really your friends then they will understand Facebook is completely meaningless and they will call and or have a cup of coffee with you!

Those are just my thoughts though,

I couldn't disagree more. I suppose that there are many people that use FB in an unhealthy impersonal manner., Its easy to fall into that hole. While there are many people on my friends list that are nodding acquaintances, a large chunk of them are people that I have real world comings and goings with where FB facilitates interaction... .try it.

I really didn't want this to turn into a discussion about the value of FB, it is what it is. I was looking for opinions regarding keeping her connected by remaining public on FB or shutting her down by going private (at the expense of why I keep it public to begin with). I am a bit of a public figure and would like to avoid going private but would do it in a second if I knew that remaining public was somehow empowering her... .if even for a short while.
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Mr.Downtrodden
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« Reply #34 on: January 02, 2015, 09:09:33 AM »

Facebook is the crack / cocaine of social media. Just about everyone is addicted.

Looking for a new partner even though you are involved with someone?  Simply peruse facebook, you'll eventually find it easy to hookup with someone else.  My ex is connected 24/7.

When my ex acted foolishly (poor impulse judgement) last time we were together 5 months ago, it really hit home for me. I have not returned to my facebook account since then.  Struggling with depression, loneliness, feelings of being not good enough, even some self-blame for what transpired.  I did not want to read about facebook 'friends' lives, see selfie pix, etc. Or what my ex was doing.  So, I just abandoned facebook. I've had no desire to log in.  I don't care.

And you know what?  I have a lot of friends there, many of them I have met in real life and know on a personal level beyond that of general acquaintances.  Only ONE eventually contacted me to find out what was going on with me.  The rest?  I'm sure they could care less about me. No loss.

That really shows how shallow and self-absorbed society has become with the advent of social media.

You can be someone you are not.

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enlighten me
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« Reply #35 on: January 02, 2015, 09:28:54 AM »

Hi JRT. Im not here to judge you. All im saying is you should do what you feel is right for you and not do things just for the sake of hurting others. We all do things that hurt others but we dont do them just to hurt them. We do it because its something we need to do. Whether its cancelling a night out with friends or not keeping a promise. We have our reasons which are valid. We didnt do it to upset people.

I agree that it can feel good to dish it back but it is short lived and trust me the sooner you get past these thoughts the better as it means your truely getting over them.
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JRT
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« Reply #36 on: January 02, 2015, 10:05:53 AM »

Hi JRT. Im not here to judge you. All im saying is you should do what you feel is right for you and not do things just for the sake of hurting others. We all do things that hurt others but we dont do them just to hurt them. We do it because its something we need to do. Whether its cancelling a night out with friends or not keeping a promise. We have our reasons which are valid. We didnt do it to upset people.

I agree that it can feel good to dish it back but it is short lived and trust me the sooner you get past these thoughts the better as it means your truely getting over them.

Generally I agree... .but I am exactly where I want to be and will ever be. Again, I am a VERY benevolent person... .I have a giving heart and have many friends and meaningful relationships. What she did is/was despicable... .I don't think that I need to 'get over' my feeling that all the bad things that have ever happened to her and will happen to her are deserved. She is a bad person, plain and simple and I don't feel that I need to feel funny about punching someone back when they punch me (especially with the attempt to kill me, metaphorically).  I don't think that I need to work on it and I wonder how much of this is OUR fault as we try to be tolerant, patient and understanding... .
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Rise
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« Reply #37 on: January 03, 2015, 02:57:47 AM »

JRT,

You say you are concerned about letting her feel empowered, but aren't you giving her actual power in your life by basing your decisions on how they may or may not affect her?

The only power anyone has in our lives is the power we give them. Don't give her any more than you already have.

-Rise
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« Reply #38 on: January 03, 2015, 07:03:17 AM »

JRT,

You say you are concerned about letting her feel empowered, but aren't you giving her actual power in your life by basing your decisions on how they may or may not affect her?

The only power anyone has in our lives is the power we give them. Don't give her any more than you already have.

-Rise

Rise

If someone has a gun, and shoots you in the head and kills you, I am uncertain how that is power that we gave them (I've seen that sound bite many times and it just really does not hold water). Neither do I see how wanting to frustrate her or piss her off is giving power to her. Maybe I am wired the wrong way, but it was only when I became angry that I turned the corner on getting over her and the horrible thing(s) that she had done and corresponding pain that she had caused. It will NEVER happen but punching her in the nose would make me feel REALLY better. Maybe I'm the bad guy... .
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enlighten me
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« Reply #39 on: January 03, 2015, 07:36:51 AM »

The power you give them by wanting to hurt them is that they are in your head. You are thinking of them and therefore they have a hold on you. Even if they dont know it they are still wielding power over you.

The only person that can let them hurt you is you.

Physical threats are a totally different ball game but even then you can take the power back by avoiding it. I have got myself out of a lot of life threatening situations which if handled differently would mean I would probably be dead. The best method is to avoid. The last option you should use is fight as theres no guarantee of the outcome. The middle ground is diplomacy but that doesnt work with crazy people.
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« Reply #40 on: January 03, 2015, 07:44:12 AM »

The power you give them by wanting to hurt them is that they are in your head. You are thinking of them and therefore they have a hold on you. Even if they dont know it they are still wielding power over you.

The only person that can let them hurt you is you.

Physical threats are a totally different ball game but even then you can take the power back by avoiding it. I have got myself out of a lot of life threatening situations which if handled differently would mean I would probably be dead. The best method is to avoid. The last option you should use is fight as theres no guarantee of the outcome. The middle ground is diplomacy but that doesnt work with crazy people.

how the hell do you get them out of your head?
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« Reply #41 on: January 03, 2015, 07:51:02 AM »

The power you give them by wanting to hurt them is that they are in your head. You are thinking of them and therefore they have a hold on you. Even if they dont know it they are still wielding power over you.

The only person that can let them hurt you is you.

Physical threats are a totally different ball game but even then you can take the power back by avoiding it. I have got myself out of a lot of life threatening situations which if handled differently would mean I would probably be dead. The best method is to avoid. The last option you should use is fight as theres no guarantee of the outcome. The middle ground is diplomacy but that doesnt work with crazy people.

how the hell do you get them out of your head?

They twist up our hearts and our heads as the untwist they just ruminate and run through the emotions over and over untill it's done and all the pain has been experienced.  You can try channeling it into some sort of artistic expression. 
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« Reply #42 on: January 03, 2015, 08:49:12 AM »

JRT,

I had my very computer-savvy significant other help me with FB source-coding last night. After a wee bit of detective work - I found the deactivated account that my ex uses to "keep tabs" on me. Checked it last night and then again this morning. It has moved up in the list of folks that check my profile. So he's been a'snoopin !

So to your original question - yes, they do continue to check up on us. In my case - I feel no need to make my page private. If the ex sees something there that bothers him - it's his own fault. The same goes for me whenever I allow myself a peek into his world. Been trying to refrain from it for a few weeks now. Doing okay. You'll make it, too !

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« Reply #43 on: January 03, 2015, 09:38:08 AM »

JRT, I've had the same question as you recently: leave my ex unblocked, or block her to regain a sense of control?

I was recently unblocked on Facebook after being blocked for 5 months. At first I thought this was a sign that I was split white again, until I noticed she blocked me on twitter the same day (and left me blocked everywhere else). I don't understand it at all.

Right now, I think I'm going to leave her unblocked. I refuse to give her the satisfaction of a reaction.
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Mr.Downtrodden
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« Reply #44 on: January 03, 2015, 11:20:09 AM »

JRT,

You say you are concerned about letting her feel empowered, but aren't you giving her actual power in your life by basing your decisions on how they may or may not affect her?

The only power anyone has in our lives is the power we give them. Don't give her any more than you already have.

-Rise

Rise

If someone has a gun, and shoots you in the head and kills you, I am uncertain how that is power that we gave them (I've seen that sound bite many times and it just really does not hold water). Neither do I see how wanting to frustrate her or piss her off is giving power to her. Maybe I am wired the wrong way, but it was only when I became angry that I turned the corner on getting over her and the horrible thing(s) that she had done and corresponding pain that she had caused. It will NEVER happen but punching her in the nose would make me feel REALLY better. Maybe I'm the bad guy... .

I concur, JRT.

I've been far too nice for too long, and it has gotten me nowhere. I'm tired and done with turning hte other cheek, taking the high road, or whatever "I'm a better person" phrase one wishes to drop in. Nope.  I cannot take or absorb the fallout any longer.

My ex confessed to me that her supposed ex BF beat her up after he read all of her messages on her phone.  She convinced me that he was obsessed with her, and that his continued advances left her weak.  After going thru the emotional wringer with her i now understand it was not the ex's obsession, but the fact that she was in fact still "with him" but playing me, and other guys - because she could. Take an extremely attractive and seductively charming lady who claims to be single - who can resist?

BPD or not, I wish I could have seen thru the fog at the time. Now I'm just angry, maybe more at myself.  That doesn't mean I do not want to whallop her given the chance. 

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« Reply #45 on: January 03, 2015, 02:52:54 PM »

JRT wrote

-I have seen the software and you are correct, it IS a scam. However, the process that I am familiar with is part of the Chrome browser and DOES work, I assure you.

-My exBPD 'disappeared' ... .she blocked me from every conceivable manner of contact after suddenly breaking up (via text no less) while I was out of town on business just 3 weeks after she moved in to my house. I called her from a hotel line on two trips as the hotel phones were not blocked. They were met with a letter from a lawyer threatening a PPO and a call from her local police respectively. So, no, I have not attempted to ask her for my stuff back as I have no manner to do so. I am less concerned about her cycling as I am just getting my stuff back.

----Would you care to share how this works on Google Chrome? It sounds interesting.

-----Sounds like, in typical BPD fashion, she got close (moved in with you) and then got scared of the closeness, so pulled away abruptly after 3 weeks... .didn't she need some proof for getting the lawyer's letter to you? Your original idea of having your own lawyer send her a letter asking for the items back is the best one, considering this new info about her calling the police.  Do you have  a sense of why she hasn't returned the items already?

Shatra
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« Reply #46 on: January 03, 2015, 03:21:40 PM »

If someone has a gun, and shoots you in the head and kills you, I am uncertain how that is power that we gave them



If they randomly just walked up to you and shot you in the head? You haven't given them any power. You don't get to control the world. Bad things happen whether we want them to or not. But they didn't have any power over you. They didn't make you do anything, they didn't influence your actions or your choices. A flower pot gets blown off a high window sill by the wind, it falls on your head and kills you. Did the flower pot or the wind have power over your life?

Neither do I see how wanting to frustrate her or piss her off is giving power to her.

It's about making her frustrated. It's about pissing her off. You don't want to feed her sense of power. You're still focused on her. She's still the ultimate motivating force behind these choices. She's still making you do things. They may not be the things she wants, but you're still doing them because of her. How is that not giving her power in your life?

Maybe I am wired the wrong way, but it was only when I became angry that I turned the corner on getting over her and the horrible thing(s) that she had done and corresponding pain that she had caused. It will NEVER happen but punching her in the nose would make me feel REALLY better. Maybe I'm the bad guy... .

JRT, you aren't the bad guy, nor was I trying to imply that you were (and I'm quite sorry if you felt that I was). It's okay to be mad. It's a natural part of the healing process. And you have every right to be angry at someone that has hurt you. Anger can be healthy for us, if we use it in a healthy way. It really comes down to how we use it. We can use it as a catalyst for positive change in our lives. We can use it to carry us through some real bad times towards a better place. But while anger can move us forward, if it's focused on the wrong things, can just as easily keep us trapped in the past. It turns to rumination and hatred and obsession. You're not wrong to feel the way you do, I just don't want to see you get stuck.

My point with all of this is, instead of worrying about what it's going to mean to her, worry about how you feel. Do you really want to make your profile private? If you do, then that's fine, do it. If you don't really want to, then to hell with your ex, don't do it. You're the one that's important, not your ex. Whatever your choice, do it for you, not her.
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« Reply #47 on: January 03, 2015, 04:31:51 PM »

@Enlighten and Rise

Part of what we (at least I have been) devastated by is a feeling of helplessness….or powerlessness. That there is NOTHING that can be done. NC is a great example of this and one way to restore sanity to their lives as an aggrieved non. Some of us are not of that sort of constitution, I am the consummate action oriented person and have a job and lifestyle that reflect this. Those of us that are like this are highly bothered by inactivity especially where there is crisis or urgency that is involved. We want resolution even if it is not in our favor; at least in the former we are able to move on knowing that we did ALL that we could do, now we can rest easy.

Sometimes that thing is retribution and I am not suggesting that I find her and throw her in front of a train. But I gotta tell ya, for me: it would make me feel better if I knew that I pissed her off .It would be even better if she felt the power of splitting and the punitive nature of her disappearing act to be impotent after the fact. It would also be extremely fulfilling to me to have just one last conversation with her so that I could tell her what kind of pain that she inflicted on me and my daughter….a CHILD! A child who she dispensed with in as unceremonious a fashion as she did me who is now in therapy herself. If that conversation ever were to happen, I fantasize to make it perfectly clear for her to know that she was an accident to the world and that all the bad things that have happened to her and will happen were things that she earned.

These people do not deserve the benevolence of considerate and sensitive treatment from anyone.

@Lipstick and OortCloud

Congrats for learning the trick. Your opinion please: do you feel that your ex seeing the posts satisfies him or otherwise? What do you think the effect would be if you suddenly made all of your posts private?

That was really odd oortcloud. What do you think they were thinking?

@downtrodden

I think it just feels better that way. I think that anger is very much a natural and understandable emotion when it comes ESPECIALLY to relationships. If a relationship or breakup with a BPD does not result in anger, sainthood should be guaranteed!

@Shatra

I have to keep the method secret, sorry.

Yes, there were many stresses going on in her life at that point. Her 17 year old son had just moved into his dads house (he was constant chaos for her….a net loss given her craving for chaos and dysfunction), moving into my house, ceding absolute power over home and finances (etc), being alone for the first time in 18 years (I went out of town on a business trip), etc.

The letter from the lawyer was a matter of convenience; her son just got a job at a family friend’s law firm (fired since then) and I am sure that he asked a partner for a favor. I spoke to the lawyer and even he seemed to think the PPO to be without merit. I am certain that is why she skipped going forward with him to file a PPO and went to the cops – he probably would have 1)asked for a sizable check or 2) would have advised her that there were no grounds for a ppo.


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« Reply #48 on: January 03, 2015, 04:56:36 PM »

Hi JRT

I also have a strong sense of justice and dont like to sit around while people get away with stuff. I was married for ten years to a uBPD. she dumped me when I was in Afghanistan. Recycled me then dumped me when I went back. She moved my kids away and took me to the cleaners in court. Three years ago I was contacted by an exgf. We got together had a kid and have split up. She was where I learnt about BPD. I went through all the crazy with her before I left.

They both hurt me more than I thought possible. My exgf left me with PTSD. Something the IRA, Alquaida and the taliban never managed.

The thing I realised is yhat with my exwife I did all the counter smear campaign, rubbing her nose in it through social media and anything that I yhought would p her off. At the time it felt good but now I see that all it did was make me look like the sad crazy one. With my exgf I dont do anything. Its much less stress.

As I said before dont let her be the driving force behind your actions. Do things because you want to. By thinking about them when you do things you are empowrring them even if they dont know it. These are people who always trip themselves up. They will get their karma and you will feel better for not reacting even if you might not feel that way now. By not getting involved her friends have started questioning her actions and are slowly drifting away. She has no fuel for the fire.
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« Reply #49 on: January 03, 2015, 05:48:39 PM »

@Enlighten and Rise

Part of what we (at least I have been) devastated by is a feeling of helplessness….or powerlessness. That there is NOTHING that can be done. NC is a great example of this and one way to restore sanity to their lives as an aggrieved non. Some of us are not of that sort of constitution, I am the consummate action oriented person and have a job and lifestyle that reflect this. Those of us that are like this are highly bothered by inactivity especially where there is crisis or urgency that is involved. We want resolution even if it is not in our favor; at least in the former we are able to move on knowing that we did ALL that we could do, now we can rest easy.

Sometimes that thing is retribution and I am not suggesting that I find her and throw her in front of a train. But I gotta tell ya, for me: it would make me feel better if I knew that I pissed her off .It would be even better if she felt the power of splitting and the punitive nature of her disappearing act to be impotent after the fact. It would also be extremely fulfilling to me to have just one last conversation with her so that I could tell her what kind of pain that she inflicted on me and my daughter….a CHILD! A child who she dispensed with in as unceremonious a fashion as she did me who is now in therapy herself. If that conversation ever were to happen, I fantasize to make it perfectly clear for her to know that she was an accident to the world and that all the bad things that have happened to her and will happen were things that she earned.

These people do not deserve the benevolence of considerate and sensitive treatment from anyone.

@Lipstick and OortCloud

Congrats for learning the trick. Your opinion please: do you feel that your ex seeing the posts satisfies him or otherwise? What do you think the effect would be if you suddenly made all of your posts private?

That was really odd oortcloud. What do you think they were thinking?

@downtrodden

I think it just feels better that way. I think that anger is very much a natural and understandable emotion when it comes ESPECIALLY to relationships. If a relationship or breakup with a BPD does not result in anger, sainthood should be guaranteed!

@Shatra

I have to keep the method secret, sorry.

Yes, there were many stresses going on in her life at that point. Her 17 year old son had just moved into his dads house (he was constant chaos for her….a net loss given her craving for chaos and dysfunction), moving into my house, ceding absolute power over home and finances (etc), being alone for the first time in 18 years (I went out of town on a business trip), etc.

The letter from the lawyer was a matter of convenience; her son just got a job at a family friend’s law firm (fired since then) and I am sure that he asked a partner for a favor. I spoke to the lawyer and even he seemed to think the PPO to be without merit. I am certain that is why she skipped going forward with him to file a PPO and went to the cops – he probably would have 1)asked for a sizable check or 2) would have advised her that there were no grounds for a ppo.

These are just my thoughts JRT, but I think that the ability to view my profile gives my ex a feeling of control. If I suddenly blocked my profile, I think it would make her feel out of control, and she'd have a negative reaction.

With regarding to the blocking/unblocking... .I've concluded that either one of two scenarios happened:

1) she wanted to unblock me on facebook to ensure we don't go to the same events, and coincidentally my name was popping up on twitter under the "Who to follow" section. However, doing these two things at the same time seem weird to me.

2) She noticed that I removed myself from a meetup group that she runs on meetup.com, and as an act of revenge, unblocked and blocked me hoping that I'd notice and contact her.

In all honesty though, I have no way of knowing for sure... .so I've stopped trying to understand it.
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« Reply #50 on: January 03, 2015, 05:51:02 PM »

Hi JRT

I also have a strong sense of justice and dont like to sit around while people get away with stuff. I was married for ten years to a uBPD. she dumped me when I was in Afghanistan. Recycled me then dumped me when I went back. She moved my kids away and took me to the cleaners in court. Three years ago I was contacted by an exgf. We got together had a kid and have split up. She was where I learnt about BPD. I went through all the crazy with her before I left.

They both hurt me more than I thought possible. My exgf left me with PTSD. Something the IRA, Alquaida and the taliban never managed.

The thing I realised is yhat with my exwife I did all the counter smear campaign, rubbing her nose in it through social media and anything that I yhought would p her off. At the time it felt good but now I see that all it did was make me look like the sad crazy one. With my exgf I dont do anything. Its much less stress.

As I said before dont let her be the driving force behind your actions. Do things because you want to. By thinking about them when you do things you are empowrring them even if they dont know it. These are people who always trip themselves up. They will get their karma and you will feel better for not reacting even if you might not feel that way now. By not getting involved her friends have started questioning her actions and are slowly drifting away. She has no fuel for the fire.

Sorry to hear about your situation, I really feel the pain.

I have to be honest with myself: I spent that last 3 months in pain that felt like a herd of elephants sat on my soul. I think that everyone on this thread knows that feeling. It wasn't until I finally got pissed, I mean REALLY pissed that I snapped out of it. The last week since it happened has been liberating for me. I FEEL GREAT albeit I have some outstanding questions that are more curiosities than anything else. Reacting... .DOING something about it worked for me. Reading these posts regarding NC and 'moving on' and 'getting over it' or 'pay attention to you now' were mind boggling to me and served nothing more than to stress me even more than I already was. Releasing all that energy in the form of anger (no one has been hurt) was the right approach for me.
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JRT
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« Reply #51 on: January 03, 2015, 05:59:01 PM »

@Enlighten and Rise

Part of what we (at least I have been) devastated by is a feeling of helplessness….or powerlessness. That there is NOTHING that can be done. NC is a great example of this and one way to restore sanity to their lives as an aggrieved non. Some of us are not of that sort of constitution, I am the consummate action oriented person and have a job and lifestyle that reflect this. Those of us that are like this are highly bothered by inactivity especially where there is crisis or urgency that is involved. We want resolution even if it is not in our favor; at least in the former we are able to move on knowing that we did ALL that we could do, now we can rest easy.

Sometimes that thing is retribution and I am not suggesting that I find her and throw her in front of a train. But I gotta tell ya, for me: it would make me feel better if I knew that I pissed her off .It would be even better if she felt the power of splitting and the punitive nature of her disappearing act to be impotent after the fact. It would also be extremely fulfilling to me to have just one last conversation with her so that I could tell her what kind of pain that she inflicted on me and my daughter….a CHILD! A child who she dispensed with in as unceremonious a fashion as she did me who is now in therapy herself. If that conversation ever were to happen, I fantasize to make it perfectly clear for her to know that she was an accident to the world and that all the bad things that have happened to her and will happen were things that she earned.

These people do not deserve the benevolence of considerate and sensitive treatment from anyone.

@Lipstick and OortCloud

Congrats for learning the trick. Your opinion please: do you feel that your ex seeing the posts satisfies him or otherwise? What do you think the effect would be if you suddenly made all of your posts private?

That was really odd oortcloud. What do you think they were thinking?

@downtrodden

I think it just feels better that way. I think that anger is very much a natural and understandable emotion when it comes ESPECIALLY to relationships. If a relationship or breakup with a BPD does not result in anger, sainthood should be guaranteed!

@Shatra

I have to keep the method secret, sorry.

Yes, there were many stresses going on in her life at that point. Her 17 year old son had just moved into his dads house (he was constant chaos for her….a net loss given her craving for chaos and dysfunction), moving into my house, ceding absolute power over home and finances (etc), being alone for the first time in 18 years (I went out of town on a business trip), etc.

The letter from the lawyer was a matter of convenience; her son just got a job at a family friend’s law firm (fired since then) and I am sure that he asked a partner for a favor. I spoke to the lawyer and even he seemed to think the PPO to be without merit. I am certain that is why she skipped going forward with him to file a PPO and went to the cops – he probably would have 1)asked for a sizable check or 2) would have advised her that there were no grounds for a ppo.

These are just my thoughts JRT, but I think that the ability to view my profile gives my ex a feeling of control. If I suddenly blocked my profile, I think it would make her feel out of control, and she'd have a negative reaction.

With regarding to the blocking/unblocking... .I've concluded that either one of two scenarios happened:

1) she wanted to unblock me on facebook to ensure we don't go to the same events, and coincidentally my name was popping up on twitter under the "Who to follow" section. However, doing these two things at the same time seem weird to me.

2) She noticed that I removed myself from a meetup group that she runs on meetup.com, and as an act of revenge, unblocked and blocked me hoping that I'd notice and contact her.

In all honesty though, I have no way of knowing for sure... .so I've stopped trying to understand it.

Wow... .this stuff blows my mind it really does! Mine recycled me several times in the past so I am a bit surprised that she has not done so yet... .perhaps my public posts are staving her off for some reason.

I am pretty sure that going private on FB will cause her some distress. I am definitely going to do it but have one thing that I am going to do before making the change. She left a large trunk of keepsake items here; the kind of stuff you would rush into a burning building to save... .I am sure for a reason. I told her lawyer (he said it was ok to discard all property that she left now knowing what I had), her dad and her sister about the stuff but have not heard a peep from her. I am going to offer it to anyone who wants it to come pick it up or it is going into the trash on Friday. I'll let that fly until later in the week and then shut her down towards the end of the week. Maybe it would be a good idea along those lines to post a selfie with my new gf? If she thinks she has power... .
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« Reply #52 on: January 03, 2015, 06:03:19 PM »

I totally agree that anger is liberating. It is part of the healing process. Without going through the anger stage you cant fully heal. It serves a purpose. It motivates you and helps you detatch. It can only be held onto for a limited time before you have to go past it to reach your ultimate goal of indifference. When you become indifferent about your ex then you are truly over them. Having been through it twice now I know it to be true. Not quite got to indifference with the exgf but past the anger.
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« Reply #53 on: January 03, 2015, 06:03:27 PM »

I have blocked her on everything thing and I dont care if she likes it or not. We are done. What she does is not my business nor do I care what she does. Im really not sure why the hubris on this subject. To me IMHO, we are on here to break free from them. For me, not being exposed to her and anything she does is right for me. Already had that shock. Just sayin... .
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JRT
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« Reply #54 on: January 03, 2015, 11:39:23 PM »

I totally agree that anger is liberating. It is part of the healing process. Without going through the anger stage you cant fully heal. It serves a purpose. It motivates you and helps you detatch. It can only be held onto for a limited time before you have to go past it to reach your ultimate goal of indifference. When you become indifferent about your ex then you are truly over them. Having been through it twice now I know it to be true. Not quite got to indifference with the exgf but past the anger.

I am not sure that I am over my ex at this point, probably not fully. But I will respectfully disagree that indifference is my goal. I am hyperbolizing of course but Stalin, Pol Pot and Hitler did some really horrible things. I am not indifferent to them and what they did and I will never be. Still, I am a mentally and emotionally healthy person. My ex did despicable things but not to the magnitude of the above despots. I can hate her too and be over her.
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« Reply #55 on: January 04, 2015, 12:50:25 AM »

I am not saying to forgive her. I can never forgive mine. What I mean by indiference is that you dont even think about them but if you do its not triggering. You dont get that sinking feeling or panic or whatever you get now when you think of them. They have as much emotional effect on you as a road sign would.
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lipstick
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« Reply #56 on: January 04, 2015, 04:34:06 AM »

JRT,

How would my ex react if I locked down my page?  I think he would be saddened by it at first (he's a male Waif, BTW). Then he would probably just keep coming back to it every now and then to see if anything changed. And to see my profile picture.  He had a habit of saving my FB pictures to a private folder.

I don't believe he would have an outward reaction (ex: contacting me). He is very, very good at keeping up appearances. To contact me would be a sign of weakness and a loss of control. He allows neither.

Posting things on FB to bait or hurt them might feel good initially (I did it myself), but you wind up feeling like you've sunk to their level when you do it. One of our members here - "FromHeeltoHeal" said that indifference / ignoring them is the best payback. That's what I've been working on. I would say just go on with your life. Continue posting what you want to post on FB. Lock it down to Friends only if you just want to completely shut her out. I chose not to do that. Why? Because my ex would understand that it was directed at him. He would know that I was still thinking about him and he would like that. So I leave my page public. As I said in a previous post - it's his choice to snoop. If he sees something that bothers him, well - perhaps he shouldn't have hurt me. Then I would still be in his life. Instead he chooses to stay in an abusive, dysfunctional relationship. And spy on me from afar! At this point - I'm sure he's convinced that I hate him and he is too cowardly to reach out. They don't handle rejection well.

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« Reply #57 on: January 04, 2015, 05:19:51 AM »

I have blocked her on everything thing and I dont care if she likes it or not. We are done. What she does is not my business nor do I care what she does. Im really not sure why the hubris on this subject. To me IMHO, we are on here to break free from them. For me, not being exposed to her and anything she does is right for me. Already had that shock. Just sayin... .

And a final note as I've seen people mention, why do we care if they think it's directed at them or they'll get upset. I know there are those of you that have child custody issues and the like, I understand, but those of us who don't? Block, unfriend, and move the fu*k on. THEY lost the right to our hearts, why do them any favors?
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Perdita
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« Reply #58 on: January 04, 2015, 05:24:41 AM »

I deactivate my account several months ago, because his fantasy girl liked posting on his page and I believe she did it deliberately to hurt me as she would tell him about places for them to go to together!  So I decided to just get off Facebook and not give her the satisfaction.

Trust me, they do keep going back to your Facebook page if you are still there and haven't blocked them.  Mine still facebook stalks his previous ex everyday and it's been 5 years since she walked out and went NC!
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JRT
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« Reply #59 on: January 04, 2015, 09:01:47 AM »

I deactivate my account several months ago, because his fantasy girl liked posting on his page and I believe she did it deliberately to hurt me as she would tell him about places for them to go to together!  So I decided to just get off Facebook and not give her the satisfaction.

Trust me, they do keep going back to your Facebook page if you are still there and haven't blocked them.  Mine still facebook stalks his previous ex everyday and it's been 5 years since she walked out and went NC!

\

WOW!
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