I did something really stupid ( engaged in attempted recycle )

[blissful_camper]

What the heck is wrong with me?  I was feeling great, really close to feeling normal again, when X came back out of left field on the heels of his break up. That bed wasn't even cold yet. He began love bombing me. Calling a lot, texting, emailing.  I felt happy (sort of) but hesitant. He said that the same thing had happened with my replacement. The disorder had replayed. He said he had blamed me for our problems but then realized that I wasn't the problem, his "issues" were the problem. It all sounded really good like he had finally reached a place of acceptance and self-responsibility. This dialog about growth went on for weeks.  I was proud of him. I started believing him. Then he asked to visit. (I live out of state) I asked questions.  He lied about the length of his r/s with replacement, and when they'd split up. We had more dialog, and I agreed to allow him to visit, knowing he was lying to me.  A few days before he was due to drive out, I canceled. My gut was telling me "no" and I started getting that sinking feeling.  He seemed to respect my reasons for canceling, and said he'd wait until I felt more comfortable. Two days later he seemed insecure and called a few times that day, getting my voicemail twice. The next day he began devaluing me. He went cold. In the days that followed the disorder emerged completely.   I was worried. I reached out. I was met with silent treatment or anger.  Then he began making statements that led me to believe he was wanting to maintain me in limbo. I did something that I hardly ever do. I verbally unleashed on him. I let him have it. I don't feel good about doing that. But there's a part of me that doesn't care about how my words may have impacted him. I was not verbally abusive, I unleashed my truth. I said things I hadn't said to him before. It was the new Bliss calling b.s. I'm worried about that part of me that doesn't care. I feel like a complete idiot for nearly being duped again. I did believe him at first. That worries me. Why did I give him the benefit of the doubt again? That worries me as well. I made myself vulnerable, and I feel like a fool that he saw that. (Ego, I know) I'm just kicking myself that a) I was ever involved with him, and b) that I nearly got myself into a recycle.  I feel more detached from him now than I did before. I have days when I feel nothing for him. Just emotionally blank. Nothing. Not even compassion anymore.

[Mutt]

I'm worried about that part of me that doesn't care. I feel like a complete idiot for nearly being duped again.

Hi blissful_camper,

Don't be hard on yourself.

I verbally unleashed on him. I let him have it. I don't feel good about doing that. But there's a part of me that doesn't care about how my words may have impacted him. I was not verbally abusive, I unleashed my truth.

It's passed. Are these perhaps words, feelings, expressions that you hadn't vocalized before?

I'm worried about that part of me that doesn't care. I feel like a complete idiot for nearly being duped again.

The bottom line is you didn't get duped. It may not of been a desirable path to get to your truth and maintain your boundaries.

Is it something maybe next time may be easier? A learning curve? Less hesitation with listening to your intuition before you get that knot in your stomach?

I'm sorry to hear you feel this way, you may of said things you didn't get the chance to or perhaps you vocalized your no boundaries and you're fed up. Don't beat yourself up.

You don't care and lack compassion. Are you angry? Indifferent?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

I suspect by cancelling you triggered his fears of abandonment and so he devalued.  Well done for cancelling - it was the right thing to do.  As you said, he is spinning out lies so cannot be trusted.

[downwhim]

Blissful,

Way to go. You went with your gut feeling. You saw the   ! That is what we are all learning to recognize. YOU DIDN"T FALL FOR HIS TRAP. The hook was there and you started to bite but your knowledge of the disorder, his past behavior and your insight said NO! Imagine if you would have taken the bait and the pain you would be in now.

I admire your strength.

[Pingo]

  Good for you for speaking your truth!  Don't feel bad for that, you have a right to do so!  You have a right to be angry! 

I did something similar, I split with my uBPDexh last January and he did the same thing.  Admitted how he had screwed up and needed help and promised to get help, etc.  After 2 mths apart I let him come back.  Yet I knew it was too soon.  But I felt somehow powerless to stop it.  He came back and I immediately knew I had made a mistake.  All the old behaviours were still there only way more intense!  After about 2 mths I kicked him out again.  I really regretted letting him come back, I felt like a fool.  It was incredibly hard on my s10, very confusing for him.  My friends were upset.  But looking back (been almost 7 mths) I see that it was probably necessary for me to really see him for who he was and stop the fantasy that he could become someone different.  The abuse was never going to change.  I had to come to accept this.

So don't beat up on yourself, be proud that you stopped the cycle!  You will come out of this stronger and wiser!  It's a new year, new beginning, time for something great!

[blissful_camper]

What blew my mind is he replayed a script and didn't deviate from that core script.  It was as though he had forgotten that he had played that script with me before.  He used the same verbiage and lines that he did when he originally hooked me a few years ago, and I think that he expected that I would respond as I had before.  When I didn't, he became a little more creative going through the motions of demonstrating and verbalizing self-improvement.  I gotta hand it to him.  He's pretty good at it.  He almost had me fooled.  

There was the same carrot dangling, seeds he was attempting to plant that were intended to gain my sympathy and seal a commitment that I would hang in there with him.  "I have issues, I still have a long way to go."  "I have to work on those things if I'm going to have a successful relationship."   He used the same lines a few years ago.  It was offensive.  It was surreal that I was reliving the start of our r/s and was re-experiencing that as the person I am now.  He said that he viewed me as a "potential future partner."  That was the moment where it all came into focus.  I felt myself grieving for the parts of me that had previously fallen into the trap.  A few years ago, I had trusted him, felt sorry for him, and had given him the benefit of the doubt.  

Hearing "future partner" set off all of my alarms.   I was uncomfortable being viewed as a "potential future partner" and am uneasy living in the past or future.  I shared that with him.  I'd gone "off script."  What was odd was hearing how uncomfortable he is with the idea of now (where the living happens).  He can maintain a fantasy living in the future.  He can also maintain a fantasy living in the past rewriting experiences to create a history that he is more at ease with.  I saw it all, all over again through newer wiser eyes.  

Mutt, thank you.  Thank you for everything.  I've learned so much from your posts.  Thank God for this forum.  

Is it something maybe next time may be easier?  

Yes, it was a learning curve and it will be easier.  

Less hesitation with listening to your intuition before you get that knot in your stomach?  

Yes.  My weak spot is my willingness to give others the benefit of the doubt.  I was hesitant but I found myself giving that to him again.  I don't know how to balance that part of me so that I step back and hold that space before I give someone the benefit of the doubt.  Is that a trust thing?  Am I too trusting?  How do I work on finding balance there?  

You don't care and lack compassion. Are you angry? Indifferent?

During the r/s I was patient.  When I expressed how I felt I was careful about it.  I was direct but I was gentle.  I suppose I was bargaining at that time because deep down I wanted it to work.   I was not gentle this time.  Not at all.  I was direct and clear in my communication.  I didn't state my feelings in ways that I knew would be easy for him to hear as I had during the r/s.  

My inner dialog was: "This is ridiculous.  I shouldn't worry about displeasing him.  I won't alter what's basic adult communication, to suit him.  Communicate healthy, communicate like an adult, and if you can't that's it, you're out."  I felt impatient.  "Move him out of the way. I don't have time for this anymore.  I've outgrown this."  Then, "get out of my way."  I felt angry during my inner dialog.  I don't feel angry now.  I don't feel sorry for him as I once did.  I feel indifferent about the challenges he faces, now and in the future.  I used to worry about him.  I used to worry that his issues made him vulnerable to people who would hurt him.  I feel indifferent about that now.  I used to worry that his issues put him at risk for damage/hardship that is irreversible.  I feel indifferent about that too now.  Maybe I'm mistaking indifference for a lack of compassion.   I've felt sorry for him for so many years.  I've carried that with me for a long time. Not feeling sorry for him anymore is a strange sensation.  :)oes that make sense?  

MrConfused, and Downwhim, thank you for your support and insight.  

[Mutt]

Will work on the high road as much as I can.

An observation Blissful_Camper. You're a different woman than when you met him?

Eyes wide open?

When I didn't, he became a little more creative going through the motions of demonstrating and verbalizing self-improvement.

Mental illness is hard

A year ago I asked why are recycles harder?

The response: The idealization is more intense, the same goes with devaluation. What worked in the r/s before hand the pwBPD tries harder in a recycle, thus recycles more painful. After I got that response any idea of a recycle attempt went out the window. The pain my ex caused too much. I'm not strong enough to survive a second time. My limit.

Perhaps this was offensive? It's sad seeing  a person that is / was a part of our lives going through the same dysfunctional motions and you're seeing it through a different set of eyes. You've outgrown him?

[blissful_camper]

Will work on the high road as much as I can.

An observation Blissful_Camper. You're a different woman than when you met him?

Eyes wide open?

When I didn't, he became a little more creative going through the motions of demonstrating and verbalizing self-improvement.

Mental illness is hard

A year ago I asked why are recycles harder?

The response: The idealization is more intense, the same goes with devaluation. What worked in the r/s before hand the pwBPD tries harder in a recycle, thus recycles more painful. After I got that response any idea of a recycle attempt went out the window. The pain my ex caused too much. I'm not strong enough to survive a second time. My limit.

Perhaps this was offensive? It's sad seeing  a person that is / was a part of our lives going through the same dysfunctional motions and you're seeing it through a different set of eyes. You've outgrown him?

Yes, I'm a different woman now.  My eyes are wide open.  It's painful to see who I was at that time.  It's painful to see who he still is.  It's difficult for me to wrap my brain around the idea that someone can recognize that they have issues and do nothing about it to help themselves.  Is that mental illness?  It seems selfish to be aware of issues and do little to nothing to correct those issues. 

Thank you for your insight on why recycles are harder.  What you shared makes a lot of sense.  The idealization and devaluation were indeed more intense.  There was frantic desperation mixed in with his idealization that I hadn't seen previously.  The devaluation was similarly desperate and sudden. 

I couldn't go there with him again.  I was repelled by it. 

I've outgrown the role that I assumed while in the r/s.  I can't play the part that I played before.  The part of providing care in areas where he doesn't care for himself.  It sometimes felt like I was carrying the burden of caring for two people, myself and him.  Pretty soon that burden became heavy and I was setting aside my own self-care, stepping in to care for him.  It was a full time job and completely took over my life.  I've outgrown that.  I've outgrown thinking that I can help someone who is mentally ill and can't or isn't willing to help themselves. 

[Mutt]

I'm sorry it's painful.

I'd like to share something. I still care about my ex. Her mental illness is not my fault or hers. I had my emotional baggage in the r/s.

Our r/s, marriage, journey ended. She has her path, I have my path, 2 different constellations. I can't help as it enables, she's the only person that can help herself and the same goes for taking care of me.

I've outgrown her, I'm not a step up or she a step down, we're different. I wish her the best and there's someone else out there for me. I have my journey, she has hers. I hope that helps.