'I only slept in the same bed... For comfort' and why don't I care?

[Trog]

Quite soon after I left my ex she was trying to recycle me/salvage the marriage (whilst on dating sites I found out) and she told me about two people who she 'slept in the same bed with for comfort only' that she met after our marriage ended. Obv ... .This is rubbish. But it's such a pathetic lie as to be insulting. Secondly, she just volunteered that information, I hadn't caught her and I hadn't asked! Why tell me? Lastly, when she did tell me, I didn't even care or feel jealous about the act, but I was annoyed that she told me ... .Hoping to make me jealous I guess? I'd even forgotten or pushed this to the back of mind until today, but why tell your partner who you are chasing 24/7 and wanting to reconcile this obv lie? Either come totally clean or say nothing?

Crazy is as crazy does I guess, I didn't get angry with her over this admission because I wasn't angry, I didn't tell her I found it strange, I told her I am not interested as we are not together. I guess in that case she didn't get the reaction she was after, or maybe she thinks I believe her.

Ever get the insulting lie?

[Mutt]

Oh yes. I confronted my ex when red flags of her affair. I asked " Is there someone else?"

She chuckled and shrugged it off "No Mutt, there's no other man". Her and him were well into an emotional and physical affair.

Her attitude blasé. She told me what I needed to hear.

I was angry, insulted, hurt having been lied to.

After marriage ended. I trust nothing she says. I only look at her actions for truth.

[Infern0]

Mine used to do this before we got together.

I don't know HOW I wrote this off but she had this friend zoned orbiter who she used to hang with and she used to go on trips with him and sleep in the same bed or he'd stay at her house a lot.

Obviously this stopped when we got together but he still used to take coffee into her work and snapchat her all the time.  The one time I met him I gave him the crush handshake and solid eye contact just to let him know I had my eye on him

Actually I put it down to her being "naive and innocent" and this dude taking advantage of her fear of being alone.

She used to always say that she wasn't attracted to him which I belived actually because he looked like bilbo baggins,  and called him pathetic and she just felt sorry for him etc. Actually when our relationship got serious I was planning on finding this guy and not so politely tell him to f*** off, but I never got the chance

This dude ended up being my replacement after she got angry at me

[Trog]

Oh yes. I confronted my ex when red flags of her affair. I asked " Is there someone else?"

She chuckled and shrugged it off "No Mutt, there's no other man". Her and him were well into an emotional and physical affair.

Her attitude blasé. She told me what I needed to hear.

I was angry, insulted, hurt having been lied to.

After marriage ended. I trust nothing she says. I only look at her actions for truth.

Our is a little the opposite then, you confronted her and she out and out lied.

I didn't confront her, she volunteered this info after we were seperated and She was chasing me, I had ended it. It bugs me because I don't understand it. Why? To self sabotage? To make a 50% hash at coming clean with something I might find acceptable? to twist the knife?

Why tell me? This pattern repeats as on Xmas day she called me to tell me she had a crush on someone after a long period of NC! Why? I really don't need to know. Triangulation attempt?

It bugs me cos I don't understns the motive.

[Blimblam]

Trog it sounds like she just wants your attention to keep her on your mind. At the end of my rs with my ex we ran ino her ex at a concert she like got all PDA with me in front of him and she is not PDA at all.  When we were walking away I tapped him on the shoulder and said, " hey, no hard feelings your a good guy." He then gave me this look with like so much pain in his eyes. Later on when I finally snooped her phone and found evidence she was cheating I saw she had been likening his crap on social media around that time.  So basically her way of telling him she had been thinking about him was to rub the fact she was with me in his face.  It is all just very twisted.

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

Their ability to twist the truth is amazing.  Remember she has not lied to you.  Sleeping in the same bed for comfort only is no different to sleeping in the same bed for sex only when for her sex=comfort.  Just a contorted way of saying she fornicated but it had nothing to do with love.  They are master manipulators of the truth.

[Trog]

Their ability to twist the truth is amazing.  Remember she has not lied to you.  Sleeping in the same bed for comfort only is no different to sleeping in the same bed for sex only when for her sex=comfort.  Just a contorted way of saying she fornicated but it had nothing to do with love.  They are master manipulators of the truth.

Very likely! I remember her describing sex once as 'a massage', it is a deliberate misrepresentation in order avoid the truth, a truth she could assume I would not like. Yes I remember twisting words in order to cover lies, im 100% sure you are right on that, comfort = sex.

I remember when she told me we were on Skype and during that same conversation she got really upset and hung up on me because she believed she hear someone in my bathroom while I was talkin to her (there was no one in the house), clearly her guilt projected onto me. However at this time we were seperated, she can do what she wants, but I guess if she wanted to reconcile she would know that this attempt would be compromised if I knew what she was doing whilst all the while telling me something else. It's so devious, what a total waste of energy!

There's still one thing I don't get, why tell me at all! Do they exp guilt?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

There's still one thing I don't get, why tell me at all!

Perhaps to come clean and start the recycle off on an honest level.  I know it sounds weird but you just can't make this stuff up. 

[Trog]

There's still one thing I don't get, why tell me at all!

Perhaps to come clean and start the recycle off on an honest level.  I know it sounds weird but you just can't make this stuff up. 

'honest level' for her. Whereas sparing my feelings didn't come into it at all. Wow, I must have proved myself time and again to be a total gullible idiot and she thought I'd swallow that and take her back. I feel the need to take a shower!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

There's still one thing I don't get, why tell me at all!

Perhaps to come clean and start the recycle off on an honest level.  I know it sounds weird but you just can't make this stuff up. 

'honest level' for her. Whereas sparing my feelings didn't come into it at all. Wow, I must have proved myself time and again to be a total gullible idiot and she thought I'd swallow that and take her back. I feel the need to take a shower!

Keep in mind Trog this is only speculation.  The amazing thing for me, coming out of the FOG, is reflecting back on what she said and what I accepted - and how much of it was simply smoke and mirrors and half truths.  I have had to accept that when it comes to the opposite sex I am not the best judge of character.

[jhkbuzz]

Oh yes. I confronted my ex when red flags of her affair. I asked " Is there someone else?"

She chuckled and shrugged it off "No Mutt, there's no other man". Her and him were well into an emotional and physical affair.

Her attitude blasé. She told me what I needed to hear.

I was angry, insulted, hurt having been lied to.

After marriage ended. I trust nothing she says. I only look at her actions for truth.

My ex only admitted to cheating when I backed her into a corner with irrefutable evidence.  Up until then, she would simply lie, lie, lie.

I've been thinking about the high opinion I had of her, especially in the beginning of our relationship... .and how at certain points as the relationship progressed I refused to see what was right in front of my face because of the incongruity between who I thought she was (a decent, caring, faithful person) versus who her actions were revealing her to be (lying, manipulative, unfaithful).  There's a quote by Anias Nin:

"We do not see things as they are, we see things as we are."  

I've been thinking about this a lot lately... .how I projected my values onto her... .how I assumed that the things that were important to me (trust, faithfulness, a lifelong commitment) were important to her as well. I think I did this in the beginning of our relationship because I really wanted to relationship to work.  My high opinion of her was really a high opinion of the things I valued... .and it all came crashing down over time.

Hopefully I have learned that lesson... .to keep my eyes and ears wide open as I enter into another relationship... .