What have been your benefits from learning about BPD?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Is it that the pieces fit together better by understanding these patterns?

Is it not feeling as alone? Is it easier to let go? Easier to face yourself?

All of the above and more? What would you say has helped you the most?

[myself]

Is it that the pieces fit together better by understanding these patterns?

Is it not feeling as alone? Is it easier to let go? Easier to face yourself?

All of the above and more? What would you say has helped you the most?

[Trog]

Top of the list, understanding that I have issues to except this kind of very poor show love on offer/drama\abuse. if she hadn't been such an extreme example I would have carried on in these so so relationships and not done the work I clearly need to do on myself.

I don't think I ever stood a chance of having a real partnership had she not shown up and blown my life to bits. I can feel myself growing up, putting down boundaries, knowing myself, I had none if that before, just wish it could have been her love to bring that ou instead of this horror show marriage.

They do say, god tries to teach you lessons gently at first, and then they just get more and more painful until you do learn your lesson! Thwack! Ok god, I got it. Now bring on the caring life partner who I can cherish and who cherishes me. Cheers!

[Tim300]

Is it that the pieces fit together better by understanding these patterns?

Is it not feeling as alone? Is it easier to let go? Easier to face yourself?

All of the above and more? What would you say has helped you the most?

Good question.  It has definitely helped me walk away without any attempt to try to re-engage.  It has helped alleviate any frustration I might have had about not having procreated with her.  It has helped me understand what was causing all of the chaos.  It has helped alleviate feelings I might have had about having personal shortcomings or about having made mistakes in the relationship -- I honestly do not believe there is anything I could have done to make the relationship work (and to the extent I spoke out of line and helped cause our engagement to end -- good!).  It has helped me to understand that there are humans who think much, much differently than I do about very basic thought processes (and that I should be wary of such types).  It has made me appreciate that I'm healthy.  It will hopefully make me greatly appreciate a future partner even more so than I would have without having had this experience.   

[Infern0]

For me the best part was that it highlighted my own issues and really gave me the kick in the rear that I needed to make positive changes and start looking after myself.

Codependency,  people pleaser syndrome etc. I suffer from all of them. I'm glad that this was finally bought to the fore and that I have been able to set about fixing them up.

It's certainly been an educational experience,  learning about personality disorders,  narcissism,  and all the rest of it. 

I think the main thing to take from the borderline experience is that there is something within us that needs fixing,  and then to make sure that we do the work and eradicate all these weaknesses that hold us back.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, I left her by fleeing because I thought I was literally going insane, I didn't understand anything about her and what the hell was going on , I just knew I couldn't take it anymore.  And then I spent some time blaming myself because I still couldn't understand her world, and maybe if I could just figure it out the relationship would have worked.  And then I found BPD on the internet and the lights came on; as I learned about the disorder everything she did started to make sense, not only that, there were a hell of a lot of people in the same boat, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.  Very freeing, immediately.

But the biggest benefit has been shifting the focus to me, owning my own issues and how they showed up in the relationship, and deciding to address them, not really deciding, life got very painful at that point, I had lived a false self for too long, and the pain gave me no other choice but to grow up.  They say growing up is hard to do, no sht, and I don't think we grow up because we want to, we do it because we end up in a place where we don't have a choice.  I went to that place after my relationship with a borderline; it takes what it takes.

[HappyNihilist]

First of all, it was very reassuring to find out that I was not in fact crazy.   Also, it was comforting to learn I was not alone.

Learning about BPD also helped me find my own closure, since there was no way my BPDex could give it to me. Early on, in the very raw stage right after the breakup, this knowledge helped me reframe a lot -- I realized that this was not a "normal" r/s, so I couldn't treat it or the aftermath as such.

Working towards radical acceptance of the disorder has really helped me understand the patterns of the relationship, and has made me "radically accept" that the only thing in my control is myself.

I have more understanding towards my BPDex and who he is. This has been vital in deepening my understanding of what role I played, what needs of mine were being fulfilled by him.

Once I understood more about BPD and our toxic dance, I was able to finally see my own deep, core soul wounds, and hear my own truths.

[startrekuser]

I realized how I need to improve and not accept being treated poorly by people, especially female romantic partners.  Currently, that is my wife, who is BPD.  I realize that I need to be on this board daily until I can stay in touch with reality on my own.  I often listen to my wife and feel responsible for her negative feelings when I am not responsible at all for creating those feelings.  I'm working on getting over the feelings of guilt.

[hope2727]

Made me examine my own BPD traits. This included a look back at a long ago marriage and how I could have been a better partner.

Allowed me to wrap my head around both the abuse and the love (sort of). The dichotomy of who I met and who I left was driving me crazy.

Reminded me that boundaries are critical in life. I knew this from previous experience but a refresher course in this was invaluable.

Helped me to understand my FOO and some of their erratic behaviours. Learning to use SET may keep me from going stark raving mad when dealing with them.

Allowed me to celebrate the good parts of my relationship with my ex. Even if it was the idealization phase it was lovely and I am grateful for it. He taught me how I want to be treated and how I don't want to be treated. So thats a plus too.

[hergestridge]

Contrary to many here, my greatest benefit from learning about BPD was understanding how much of the problem had been with my partner and how little had come from me. I was much healthier than I had thought.

[Hope0807]

What a wonderfully introspective post, songbook!

I too am MUCH stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.  I am a curious detective at heart.  I'm so glad to be free!

Yes, the pieces fit and the last 7 years now make sense…but the knowledge that the hope I held onto was a complete illusion is painful as hell.

I feel more alone, but I am working hard to remind myself that this status is temporary…and also working hard to remind myself that the "alone" I felt with the ex felt like a prison.  Today's "alone" just feels really sad and pathetic.  

Not easier, tougher to face myself…but I'll be stronger in the end.  I cannot erase the 7 years the ex is pretending he did, but I CAN unmask my own childhood wounds and insecurities that I have carried through my adult life.  I'm healing them NOW and FOR GOOD.  

The benefits from learning about BPD and PDs in general will shape me for the better for the rest of my life.  

Is it that the pieces fit together better by understanding these patterns?

Is it not feeling as alone? Is it easier to let go? Easier to face yourself?

All of the above and more? What would you say has helped you the most?

[Pingo]

The knowledge of BPD has allowed me to get real, let go of fantasy and stop any ideas that I could have done something more to 'fix' us.  It has shocked me into realising how important boundaries are and how I cannot afford to live any longer without taking care of myself.  It has allowed me to find compassion for my ex where there would likely be only blame and anger.  It has exposed core wounds I've spent a lifetime running from, denying or numbing.  It has allowed me to find compassion for myself.  No wonder I was so bloody miserable and confused!  I'm using this experience to become the healthiest me I can be.

As a bonus, it has exposed how ill my mother is mentally.  I had never considered she was actually mentally ill.  I always knew she was 'different' and a little crazy but since she functions in life and doesn't hallucinate or do any of the things I thought meant you were mentally ill, I had no idea.  I hadn't even heard of personality disorders before TBH.  It explains so much of my childhood and life with my parents.

[antjs]

Is it that the pieces fit together better by understanding these patterns?

Is it not feeling as alone? Is it easier to let go? Easier to face yourself?

All of the above and more? What would you say has helped you the most?

the pieces fit together after understanding the patterns yes/

feeling not alone in this helps but still your mind tricks you about how "special" you and her even if she has BPD and that your true love is different and more speical than anyone on this board with their SO.

not easier to let go at first because when u know enough about BPD the first reaction is that you blame yourself about not trying harder.

later its harder to face yourself. at first you direct your anger and focus on your ex and how evil and unfair they are. once you begin shifting the focus on urself its harder to face yourself. since ur ex is that bad and he\she is the son\daughter of satan what does it tell about me that i have enabled and encouraged all of his\her actions ?


i am completely healed from my ex's matter now. self improving is the long journey after you are done with grieving your ex and this where i am right now. trying to improve every aspect in my life. if i have one thing to tell you that might help you during these dark days (god ! just remembering how did it feel during these days gives me a heart attack now. i had ptsd and was suffering from panic attacks. i barely ate, slept, moved and was 24\7 smoking and drinking coffee) is HOPE. u need hope that everything is going to be ok. and it will. even better than before with all the lessons that you have learned. the emotional rape that you have been subjected to leaves you feeling helpless like a hostage literally. but in reality you are not. grieving and getting over it is the time taken between linking what the mind knows to what the heart is feeling. you will be there when you can be there. you just need hope  

[Blimblam]

I found Mary and Christ.    

[Deeno02]

I learned that I enable, I learned I dont like being alone, but i dont run out to the next person to remedy that, I just put up with ___ and become a door mat. I learned pain to my heart I never want to feel again.

[Whitebread]

Like many others, it finally gave an explanation for the things I just couldn't figure out with him.  Trying to make sense and understand him was driving me crazy.  I'd never met anyone like this, who's logic and reasoning defied explanation.  Who's temper tantrums were unlike anything I'd ever witnessed.  And who's cruelty had no bounds.

And assured me that I wasn't  incapable of communicating, that I wasn't overly sensitive to criticsm, that I have every right to have friends and spend time with my family even though he tried to isolate me. 

It helped me to understand his horrible treatment of his mother, even when she was stricken with dementia, he had no empathy, none.  And treated her with vindictiveness and anger.

Its provided me the opportunity to address my own caretaking and to make sure it is directed to those incapable of caring for themselves--my rescue dogs and my elderly mother and sister--who currently is showing BP symptoms following brain surgery.   I at least  have a better understanding of why she reacts as she does.

Its not how I'd choose to learn an important life lesson, but you can believe I won't forget it!

[hurting300]

Well, I left her by fleeing because I thought I was literally going insane, I didn't understand anything about her and what the hell was going on , I just knew I couldn't take it anymore.  And then I spent some time blaming myself because I still couldn't understand her world, and maybe if I could just figure it out the relationship would have worked.  And then I found BPD on the internet and the lights came on; as I learned about the disorder everything she did started to make sense, not only that, there were a hell of a lot of people in the same boat, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.  Very freeing, immediately.

But the biggest benefit has been shifting the focus to me, owning my own issues and how they showed up in the relationship, and deciding to address them, not really deciding, life got very painful at that point, I had lived a false self for too long, and the pain gave me no other choice but to grow up.  They say growing up is hard to do, no sht, and I don't think we grow up because we want to, we do it because we end up in a place where we don't have a choice.  I went to that place after my relationship with a borderline; it takes what it takes.

fleeing? Did you at least tell her you were leaving

[fromheeltoheal]

Well, I left her by fleeing because I thought I was literally going insane, I didn't understand anything about her and what the hell was going on , I just knew I couldn't take it anymore.  And then I spent some time blaming myself because I still couldn't understand her world, and maybe if I could just figure it out the relationship would have worked.  And then I found BPD on the internet and the lights came on; as I learned about the disorder everything she did started to make sense, not only that, there were a hell of a lot of people in the same boat, trying to figure out what the hell just happened.  Very freeing, immediately.

But the biggest benefit has been shifting the focus to me, owning my own issues and how they showed up in the relationship, and deciding to address them, not really deciding, life got very painful at that point, I had lived a false self for too long, and the pain gave me no other choice but to grow up.  They say growing up is hard to do, no sht, and I don't think we grow up because we want to, we do it because we end up in a place where we don't have a choice.  I went to that place after my relationship with a borderline; it takes what it takes.

fleeing? Did you at least tell her you were leaving

Oh yes.  I had just spent 7 days incarcerated on a cruise ship with her and in the stress of a vacation she was totally dysregulated, afraid to leave the cabin most days, raging at any and everyone, pure hell.  I made the best of it by hanging out with other people, huge ship, and we were supposed to drive 300 miles to her home after the cruise, but I booked a flight back to my home at a closer airport, drove there, said "GOOD! BYE!" and left her with the rental car.  That was the last time I saw her, and that's fine with me.

[downwhim]

"Like many others, it finally gave an explanation for the things I just couldn't figure out with him.  Trying to make sense and understand him was driving me crazy.  I'd never met anyone like this, who's logic and reasoning defied explanation.  Who's temper tantrums were unlike anything I'd ever witnessed.  And who's cruelty had no bounds."

This explains exactly how I feel. The relief I had reading about BPD made me feel sane again. I kept trying to figure him out. I kept feeling anxious and I began to realize it was not me. The temper tantrum, the secretiveness, the happy one minute and full of rage the next. I was exhausted and so confused. I could not read enough. I soaked it all in. Who he was started to make sense. Then I realized I have spent 8 years with a mentally ill man. It hit me.

I had done family of origin work before in my marriage of 22 years. I thought I knew myself really well. But I did not. My caretaking, codependency helped my ex BPD to trigger and I had no idea what I was actually doing. We were a toxic match. My sickness equated it to love.

This type of love involved sexual addiction.  This type of love involved changing who I was for him. I became a passive, uptight, fearful person that lived on his every mood swing. Staying on the rollercoaster and enmeshed was my goal. This type of love had me running to meet his needs and ignoring my own. I did all of this, I see now to avoid loneliness. To avoid the pain of my marriage ending and to avoid pain. Little did I know it was cause me more pain than I had ever experienced in my life.

It is my turn to re-learn me. Who am I? What do I want? How can I change to be a better well rounded person? Is my heart open to love again? How do I meet someone once I am "fixed" and feel whole? How can I set boundaries, honor the  's when they hit against my head and how can I move on?

[Infared]

After the fact, learning about BPD has helped me get "some" closure after suffering through a relationship and it's ugly ending that I feel damaged me emotionally quite significantly.

It has been a comfort finding out about this disorder and understanding a person that was soo erratic. Also... .coming here and finding others who have been in the same position in life and sharing with them and identifying has been invaluable as well! 

[jhkbuzz]

Is it that the pieces fit together better by understanding these patterns?

Is it not feeling as alone? Is it easier to let go? Easier to face yourself?

All of the above and more? What would you say has helped you the most?

It helped me sort through the blame that she consistently put on me for the problems in our relationship. That took a while... .for a long time I believed her pronouncements that I was "controlling" and "mean"... .my self esteem was in the gutter and I was so incredibly confused. I knew I loved her, I knew I was good to her (even though, like everyone, I have my flaws) and I knew I pragmatically encouraged her to become more independent. Understanding that a childhood dynamic was being played out (with me as a stand-in) has helped me let go of guilt.

Understanding the disorder also helps prevent me from become an angry, bitter person.  I still struggle with having empathy for her disorder while still trying to heal from the emotional abuse... .that balance is hard.  But in the end I don't want to allow her BPD to change who I am fundamentally - I don't want her lying and cheating (for example) to turn me into a bitter person who refuses to love or trust again.  So the understanding has helped a lot there.

And all of this understanding is slowly - SLOWLY - helping me to let go of the relationship.  Some days are better than others.

I'm in a place now that I know I need to shift the focus onto myself... .what hooked me into the relationship, what kept me in the relationship, and what I need to heal in ME before I enter into another relationship. That's the important work, I think, and a step that I can begin to take now that I understand the whirlwind of BPD.

[Infared]

Is it that the pieces fit together better by understanding these patterns?

Is it not feeling as alone? Is it easier to let go? Easier to face yourself?

All of the above and more? What would you say has helped you the most?

It helped me sort through the blame that she consistently put on me for the problems in our relationship. That took a while... .for a long time I believed her pronouncements that I was "controlling" and "mean"... .my self esteem was in the gutter and I was so incredibly confused. I knew I loved her, I knew I was good to her (even though, like everyone, I have my flaws) and I knew I pragmatically encouraged her to become more independent. Understanding that a childhood dynamic was being played out (with me as a stand-in) has helped me let go of guilt.

Understanding the disorder also helps prevent me from become an angry, bitter person.  I still struggle with having empathy for her disorder while still trying to heal from the emotional abuse... .that balance is hard.  But in the end I don't want to allow her BPD to change who I am fundamentally - I don't want her lying and cheating (for example) to turn me into a bitter person who refuses to love or trust again.  So the understanding has helped a lot there.

And all of this understanding is slowly - SLOWLY - helping me to let go of the relationship.  Some days are better than others.

I'm in a place now that I know I need to shift the focus onto myself... .what hooked me into the relationship, what kept me in the relationship, and what I need to heal in ME before I enter into another relationship. That's the important work, I think, and a step that I can begin to take now that I understand the whirlwind of BPD.

I identify with every thing you said... .and I so struggle with BPD's effect on me. Thanks for calling my attention to it.

[ADecadeLost]

Superficially, I'd say the ability to more readily identify red flags in the future has been a benefit.  But on a more important level, it has allowed a deeper level of self-reflection that in the end should help eliminate the need to identify red flags at all.

Beyond that, it has also helped me come to terms with the relationship.  I don't think we can ever have true closure in a BPD relationship, but at least understanding some of the dynamics at play make it easier for me to accept.