Would others agree with this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

The harder the BPD pushes us away in relation to their complete emotional cut off through the means of complete or abrupt blocking of contact (silent treatment) the more deep their emotional attachment was towards us? in other words the ones that do the complete cut off in terms of blocking and cutting us out of their lives are the ones that loved us the most, or maybe do still love us but the fear of being emotionally reliant on us drove them to run away, would others agree with this statement?  I red somewhere who was BPD said that, they still loved the ones they cut off completely and cutting them off was the only way they could cope with their emotions, and that, when they moved on straight away it wasnt out of spite or to hurt us but to soothe the negative emotions brought on by abandonment.    

[jammo1989]

The harder the BPD pushes us away in relation to their complete emotional cut off through the means of complete or abrupt blocking of contact (silent treatment) the more deep their emotional attachment was towards us? in other words the ones that do the complete cut off in terms of blocking and cutting us out of their lives are the ones that loved us the most, or maybe do still love us but the fear of being emotionally reliant on us drove them to run away, would others agree with this statement?  I red somewhere who was BPD said that, they still loved the ones they cut off completely and cutting them off was the only way they could cope with their emotions, and that, when they moved on straight away it wasnt out of spite or to hurt us but to soothe the negative emotions brought on by abandonment.    

[Xidion]

The harder the BPD pushes us away in relation to their complete emotional cut off through the means of complete or abrupt blocking of contact (silent treatment) the more deep their emotional attachment was towards us? in other words the ones that do the complete cut off in terms of blocking and cutting us out of their lives are the ones that loved us the most, or maybe do still love us but the fear of being emotionally reliant on us drove them to run away, would others agree with this statement?  I red somewhere who was BPD said that, they still loved the ones they cut off completely and cutting them off was the only way they could cope with their emotions, and that, when they moved on straight away it wasnt out of spite or to hurt us but to soothe the negative emotions brought on by abandonment.    

I tend to agree with this. I know my ex loved and still loves me. She isn't a cyborg,  she is still human. Each time she has run away,  she blocks all forms of communication and cuts me off, only to start getting curious a few weeks later. It seems that the more they love you, the more dysfunctional they are with you, since their struggle with love and the emotions it brings is the root of it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Depends what you mean by love.  Borderlines want to love, just like the rest of us, but the disorder they have creates emotions that make love unsustainable and intolerable.  Very sad when you think about it.  But yes, bailing to get rid of feelings of engulfment, followed by shame along with feelings of abandonment, all feelings too strong to deal with, so the drive that surfaces is the need to find a new attachment, or revive an old one.  It's much more about need, not love.

[Deeno02]

I dont know dude. I frankly just think they dont give a rats ass. Use you up, on to the next. Thats how I feel about it.

[myself]

It's much more about need

PwBPD need to stop acting so sh!tty to the people who are close with them, and need to stop being the ones who do so much of the abandoning. They need to read this site, face the damage done, and change their ways.

[hope2727]

It's much more about need

PwBPD need to stop acting so sh!tty to the people who are close with them, and need to stop being the ones who do so much of the abandoning. They need to read this site, face the damage done, and change their ways.

Amen.

Truer words have never been spoken. Anyone what to call mine and tell him that?

They also need to stop treating mean, loser friends like princes and good honourable people like trash.

[jammo1989]

A woman who suffers with BPD said this quote "One thing i can say is this: she still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have entirely cut you out of her life.  Such a drastic measure is taken in self- preservation, not out of apathy.  I have been in your situation and have come to regret my behavior.  I wished my boyfriend at that time had come to me and said "I understand you are afraid and that you sabotaged the relationship but i forgive you"

With that in mind are they hoping you reach out to them or? I dont know just feeling a bit confused about it, considering these were the words of a BPD woman.

[EaglesJuju]

A woman who suffers with BPD said this quote "One thing i can say is this: she still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have entirely cut you out of her life.  Such a drastic measure is taken in self- preservation, not out of apathy.  I have been in your situation and have come to regret my behavior.  I wished my boyfriend at that time had come to me and said "I understand you are afraid and that you sabotaged the relationship but i forgive you"

With that in mind are they hoping you reach out to them or? I dont know just feeling a bit confused about it, considering these were the words of a BPD woman.

My pwBPD is very self-aware and has told me exactly the same thing.  He explained to me that when he gives me the silent treatment/avoids me, he does it because he cannot cope with the feelings associated with hurting me. Also, he told me that when he is doing this behavior, he wants me to reassure him and reach out to him. It is a total contradiction and absolutely confusing.  

[Blimblam]

A woman who suffers with BPD said this quote "One thing i can say is this: she still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have entirely cut you out of her life.  Such a drastic measure is taken in self- preservation, not out of apathy.  I have been in your situation and have come to regret my behavior.  I wished my boyfriend at that time had come to me and said "I understand you are afraid and that you sabotaged the relationship but i forgive you"

With that in mind are they hoping you reach out to them or? I dont know just feeling a bit confused about it, considering these were the words of a BPD woman.

This is pretty much the conclusion I have come to.

[Blimblam]

The harder the BPD pushes us away in relation to their complete emotional cut off through the means of complete or abrupt blocking of contact (silent treatment) the more deep their emotional attachment was towards us? in other words the ones that do the complete cut off in terms of blocking and cutting us out of their lives are the ones that loved us the most, or maybe do still love us but the fear of being emotionally reliant on us drove them to run away, would others agree with this statement?  I red somewhere who was BPD said that, they still loved the ones they cut off completely and cutting them off was the only way they could cope with their emotions, and that, when they moved on straight away it wasnt out of spite or to hurt us but to soothe the negative emotions brought on by abandonment.    

I think it depends on the individuals and the circumstance.  A pwBPD do tend to recognize the pattern and some don't want to tarnish the way they see you and you see them by devaluing and just leave.  They can't really control it at least not without training.

[Deeno02]

A woman who suffers with BPD said this quote "One thing i can say is this: she still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have entirely cut you out of her life.  Such a drastic measure is taken in self- preservation, not out of apathy.  I have been in your situation and have come to regret my behavior.  I wished my boyfriend at that time had come to me and said "I understand you are afraid and that you sabotaged the relationship but i forgive you"

With that in mind are they hoping you reach out to them or? I dont know just feeling a bit confused about it, considering these were the words of a BPD woman.

Wow... mine must hate my effing ass! Im totally removed, except for when I broke NC and got an ass wiping via text...

[hope2727]

Thats funny that this thread should come up today. I have had the urge to reach out and send him a message of support today. I know I can't but I wish I could. I feel  for his suffering. I don't want him to hurt. I want him to be well and happy. He is such a lovely person when he is well. I wish he could find peace.

[Targeted]

I agree!

My exGF would block and unblock me on a daily basis depending on her dysregulation, after the break up she would email during the day and then get mad at night and say never contact me again, only to start emailing me again The next morning around 430, I reminded her once that she told me to not contact her any more and she keeps breaking her own rule, she got mad and said you are right and she took full control and did not email me again!  Well at least for about 48 hours!  I asked her why are you doing this? You said that I am all of these rotten things that you hate, why are you still contacting me if you Think of me that way and hate me so much?   She said- because I love you.   Weird huh?

When she said to me nobody will ever love me like she does I hope she's right!

Hope2727- I'll call yours and tell him if you call mine!  

[Deeno02]

A woman who suffers with BPD said this quote "One thing i can say is this: she still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have entirely cut you out of her life.  Such a drastic measure is taken in self- preservation, not out of apathy.  I have been in your situation and have come to regret my behavior.  I wished my boyfriend at that time had come to me and said "I understand you are afraid and that you sabotaged the relationship but i forgive you"

With that in mind are they hoping you reach out to them or? I dont know just feeling a bit confused about it, considering these were the words of a BPD woman.

Wow... mine must hate my effing ass! Im totally removed, except for when I broke NC and got an ass wiping via text...

Whipping... .

[hope2727]

Hope2727- I'll call yours and tell him if you call mine! 

deal!   

Like it would ever work out the way we wanted. Thats what so frustrating I suppose. That we are trying to come at this from a logical place and they just can't. We love them, they love us, they have a disorder, it has some effective treatments. Logially we should be able to work through this. But nope. They can't logic with their broken brains. Its all so sad really.

[Targeted]

BROKEN BRAINS! 

She told me her kids used to say to her- Sometimes your brain don't work so good mama.

[Perdita]

They also need to stop treating mean, loser friends like princes and good honourable people like trash.

WOW Could not have said it any better myself.  Been my experience.

[Mr Hollande]

A woman who suffers with BPD said this quote "One thing i can say is this: she still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have entirely cut you out of her life.  Such a drastic measure is taken in self- preservation, not out of apathy.  I have been in your situation and have come to regret my behavior.  I wished my boyfriend at that time had come to me and said "I understand you are afraid and that you sabotaged the relationship but i forgive you"

With that in mind are they hoping you reach out to them or? I dont know just feeling a bit confused about it, considering these were the words of a BPD woman.

My pwBPD is very self-aware and has told me exactly the same thing.  He explained to me that when he gives me the silent treatment/avoids me, he does it because he cannot cope with the feelings associated with hurting me. Also, he told me that when he is doing this behavior, he wants me to reassure him and reach out to him. It is a total contradiction and absolutely confusing.  

That would explain my ex's more and more infrequent contact attempts where my well being is brought up. "How are you feeling?", "I'm glad you seem to be doing OK" etc.

So in your opinion she needs to confirm my well being so she can feel better about her actions and ultimately herself?

[Trog]

Some of us totally cut the BPD ex out of our lives and went NC. That was indeed self preservation because in my case she hurt me with almost every action. These were not actions of love, they were emotional abuse. You can't be indifferent to someone blowing up your phone with abuse and threats.

[fromheeltoheal]

It's much more about need

PwBPD need to stop acting so sh!tty to the people who are close with them, and need to stop being the ones who do so much of the abandoning. They need to read this site, face the damage done, and change their ways.

Amen.

Truer words have never been spoken. Anyone what to call mine and tell him that?

Which are judgements and a desire to control, when radical acceptance of mental illness is easier and more live-and-let-live.  I'm sitting in a coffee shop in a seaside town right now, and there's a guy across the street standing in a plaza having an intense argument with people only he can see; it is not a stretch at all to imagine my ex doing that in a few years, no exaggeration.

They also need to stop treating mean, loser friends like princes and good honourable people like trash.

And of course losers allow people who don't like themselves very much to feel less ashamed, and honorable people just remind them how worthless they are; pretty easy to see the motivation behind the choices, accepting them is more challenging.

[fred6]

A woman who suffers with BPD said this quote "One thing i can say is this: she still loves you, otherwise she wouldn't have entirely cut you out of her life.  Such a drastic measure is taken in self- preservation, not out of apathy.  I have been in your situation and have come to regret my behavior.  I wished my boyfriend at that time had come to me and said "I understand you are afraid and that you sabotaged the relationship but i forgive you"

With that in mind are they hoping you reach out to them or? I dont know just feeling a bit confused about it, considering these were the words of a BPD woman.

I don't know if my ex wants me to tell her that. However, I do feel that if I did tell her something like that. She would just play it off and be sarcastic, making me look and feel like a fool. And probably tell me that there is something wrong with me. For some reason my ex acts tough and doesn't accept things that people offer her.

[billypilgrim]

Depends what you mean by love.  Borderlines want to love, just like the rest of us, but the disorder they have creates emotions that make love unsustainable and intolerable.  

Agree completely.  Mine always seemed to say all the cliche things.  She pinned quotes all over the place about love.  I could easily pick out the exact card in the hallmark store that she would gravitate to; the gushiest, wordiest, "sweetest," card in the stacks.  The more over the top, the better.  Even our wedding vows were basically a copy/paste job from other places rather than actually writing her own.  She wanted love very, very badly but the genuine feelings were never there.  Or if they were, they were fleeting.  

[Blimblam]

Depends what you mean by love.  Borderlines want to love, just like the rest of us, but the disorder they have creates emotions that make love unsustainable and intolerable.  

Agree completely.  Mine always seemed to say all the cliche things.  She pinned quotes all over the place about love.  I could easily pick out the exact card in the hallmark store that she would gravitate to; the gushiest, wordiest, "sweetest," card in the stacks.  The more over the top, the better.  Even our wedding vows were basically a copy/paste job from other places rather than actually writing her own.  She wanted love very, very badly but the genuine feelings were never there.  Or if they were, they were fleeting.  

I always felt my ex like skirting around the feeling like it was more of a longing for than the actual thing and when she did get to that place in herself it was triggering.

[Blimblam]

I want to add something though


I've had 2 relationships with pwBPD the first one lasted 2.5 years 2 years of it were rocky.  But that girl never trully loved me she got close and she cared about me she idealized me and all of that but I never got to that center in her. 

With my last ex I did and it was triggering for her. She loved me.

I had to come to this within myself and find the answers. 

No one can answer these questions for you. Ultimately that validation has to come from within. The answers are within you.

[Targeted]

I want to add something though


I've had 2 relationships with pwBPD the first one lasted 2.5 years 2 years of it were rocky.  But that girl never trully loved me she got close and she cared about me she idealized me and all of that but I never got to that center in her. 

With my last ex I did and it was triggering for her. She loved me.

I had to come to this within myself and find the answers. 

No one can answer these questions for you. Ultimately that validation has to come from within. The answers are within you.

I am 100% certain that my ex loved me as well, I have many questions about her actions but whether or not she loved me has never been a question.  But that's why I still have questions!  This disorder is so messed up.

[Rise]

There's two sides to everything, and I think it depends on the relationship. Sometimes we get pushed away because a person with BPD can't deal with being close, because they feel overwhelmed, or can't cope with the feeling of engulfment. That's what my ex did to me (or at least this is what she expressed during or therapy sessions). Sometimes though, the person with BPD just doesn't want to continue the relationship because they just aren't getting what they need out of it, same thing a normal person does. Just because they have BPD doesn't mean that every relationship would work out if they didn't have BPD.